Christian: No, but please tell me you have.
Pat: Yeah. I had one attempt suicide right in front of me. Or it tried to attack me and missed horribly. Or it was just clumsy and slipped. But that last idea troubles me. I don’t like the idea of nature being clumsy. It’s like that old Far Side cartoon:
I’m not comfortable thinking that accidents can happen in nature. People, sure, as we’re awkward and uncoordinated and a little stinky, but not nature.
So not only did this squirrel hurl itself out of a tree right in front of me (as I was on one of my runs, by the way...feel free to use that in your diatribe against my chosen form of exercise), but it did a weird “floppy” thing on the ground in front of me while spinning around--like squirrely break-dancing--and then got up on all fours, peed in the road, and scurried off sideways, as if it was in a V-8 commercial geared towards rodents.
Don’t worry--I wouldn’t believe it either, but you have to believe that I couldn’t make that shit up.
What does it MEAN?
Christian: Actually a similar thing did happen to me once, but to be fair, the branch I was on really seemed like it should have been strong enough to hold my weight and I was holding a badminton racket at the time. I had seen a small creature up in the tree which I thought for sure was a Keebler Elf, whose existence I was determined to finally prove - thus the need for the badminton racket. I mean, I don’t just randomly climb trees with badminton rackets like an idiot. I’m not crazy. Anyway, the racket was to swat the elf out of the tree. I guess I hadn’t considered the potential harm to the elf as it fell to the ground so you can fault me there, but in my defense I was a lot younger back then last year.
So having gone through a similar situation I can tell you that the subsequent break dancing, followed with peeing on all fours, followed with running off to the side is perfectly normal. Although in my case I did trip over the badminton racket as I tried to “scurry off” - as you put it - which resulted in one of my feet being stuck through the strings of the racket, so it was more of a painful dragging of myself using only my arms and one leg.
But your situation involved a squirrel and not a badminton wielding hunter of Keebler Elves, which is weird. My first thought was that maybe this was a sign of an upcoming Apocalypse similar to raining frogs, but in your case a squirrel, not frogs. I did some research to find that raining frogs isn’t actually a sign of the Apocalypse but instead was a threat from the Lord towards some woman named Pharaoh. I don’t know why the Lord would be afraid of this woman whose parents though it clever to spell their child’s name oddly (it’s spelled “F-A-R-R-A-H” people), but let’s pray to the Lord that he needs to work on his threat giving.
Having ruled out a raining frogs type dealio, I decided to research signs of the Apocalypse, because I’m really determined to make this be a sign of the end of times (I think it would be good publicity for our blog if you were the one who received the sign. We would totally clean up with google ads!). Unfortunately, I had to cut my research short to due a sudden inexplicable craving for Fudge Shoppe Grasshopper Fudge Mint cookies but I didn’t really find anything. In short, the signs of the Earth turning into a fiery hellscape of burning souls appears to involve horses representing all the wondrous colors of the rainbow. Not suicidal break dancing squirrels. I know, what the hell, right?
Anyways, if you were worried that you had witnessed the beginning of the end, hold off on maxing out those credit cards and traveling to Sacremento to scratch it off your bucket list, I think we’re still good for awhile.
Pat: Really? The apocalypse involves My Little Ponies? (Y’know what’s scary? I just Googled™ “My Little Pony Apocalypse” and got a YouTube video from Adult Swim about...ah, shit, the world is just too weird a place!)
I don’t think the squirrel was a sign from god-- Or gods. Or goddess. I’m cool with either. Whatever-- but it feels like one of those things I wasn’t supposed to see. Like all of the animals have this agreement that humans just won’t see them screw up, and this one little squirrel goofed right in front of me. And maybe the reason he peed and then scurried off so quickly wasn’t related to the shock from the impact, but rather the fear of scorn, ostracization and ridicule that would surely result should any of his furry brethren have witnessed his blunder.
So I guess, really, I just felt some compassion for the little guy. We all screw up, y’know. Jesus, go easy on him, stone-thrower!
Christian: Oddly enough I’m now starting to see what you mean and now I’m a little unsettled by what you witnessed too. You’re right, we shouldn’t be seeing stuff like this. But I don’t think the issue is that this clumsy squirrel is going to get beaten by some master squirrel overlords. I think it’s a little less crazy than that. I think we might be seeing a break down in the structure of reality.
You remember how in the Matrix anytime Keanu Reeves saw two cats at the same time it meant it was a glitch in the Matrix which allowed him to realize he was inside of it? Well, I’m not sure I’m remembering that right either. But I do know that he eventually learned to surf and caught those bank robbers.
So maybe this squirrel incident is actually a sign that the fabric of our reality is collapsing? Or perhaps the reality we think we know, isn’t reality at all? I’m sure it’s one of these two.
Pat: We may be in total agreement on this one, buddy!
In the time since we started this conversation, a coyote has moved into the neighborhood (and decided to eat one of our cats...that was a bit awkward and may need to be another blog entry), and a skunk has moved in next door under our neighbor’s deck as though it just closed a deal and is now in escrow.
This was not part of the agreement I imagined our hunter-gatherer relatives made with the fauna of their time regarding how we were all going to move ahead on this planet. Coyotes don’t eat domestic cats, skunks don’t exist outside of cartoons, and squirrels don’t fall out of damn trees! I can take a lot, but I can’t take this sort of ripple in my fabric, man!
Christian: In addition to those signs look what I recently found on the internet!
That’s a fucking rabbit attacking a fucking cat.
Reality as we know it is about to collapse. There is no doubt about it now.