Thursday, September 26, 2013

Best Most Embarrassing Concert

A little bit ago the Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms asked on their facebook page what was the most embarrassing concert you have ever attended. I gave my response and after looking at all the other responses I quickly, and silently, anointed myself the king of the most embarrassing concert attended.  

Both Pat and I are huge music fans and have been to many concerts/shows in our lifetimes therefore I thought we would see who wins at having attended the most embarrassing concert.   

You’re probably asking yourself why does it matter who wins since the winner isn’t really winning anything? WRONG! The winner will win victory. Victory is good.

So Pat, would you like to go first and then hear mine or should I say mine first? Either way I will win victory.

Pat:  Wait. Embarrassing for ME or embarassing for THEM, the artist/musician? In either case, I think it might involve Fishbone, but I want clarification.


Christian: Embarrassing for you. Also, keep in mind you aren’t going to win victory with Fishbone.

Pat:  Oh. Really? Well, define the terms of the contest then. What sort of embarrassing are we aiming for? Like, embarrassing that I paid money to see someone ridiculous, or embarrassing that I behaved a certain way at the show?

In either case, I think it might involve Fishbone.

Christian: Embarrassing that you paid money to see someone so ridiculous. I’m going to go ahead and assume you are going to go with Fishbone.

HAH! Fishbone, nice try. No, I’m pretty sure I’ve got you beat. I once went and saw a little old band that sang and danced around like dandelions in a summer’s breeze. Perhaps you know them. They were(are?) called MENUDO!

I did a image search for Menudo and every pic seemed to be of a different group of kids.
I think Menudo was one of those bands that would kill off their members when they got too old.

That’s right. I saw Menudo. In concert. On purpose.

I WIN VICTORY!

Pat: Hold on.

One, I don’t believe you. You may THINK you saw Menudo, but I don’t think it was Menudo. Couldn’t be. Because, whether you saw them when, like them, you were under 16 or more recently as an adult, the ramifications of you seeing Menudo BY CHOICE are enough to potentially bring an end to this blog partnership. Are you sure you weren’t just eating at a Mexican (sorry...Puerto Rican) restaurant with some bandera music playing in the background?

Two, while I have paid good money to see Fishbone during a couple of their questionable phases, I will stand by my sanity and declare those good decisions. When they’re on, they are REALLY on, and it makes the bad shows easier to swallow.

No...my most embarrassing would have to be last summer when, at my daughter’s request, I took she and her cousin to a Miranda Cosgrove concert at a local county fair. And it wasn’t cheap! You might know her better as iCarly (I sure didn’t!). And the worst part? Amid all of those pre-teeners and questionable adult county fair-goers...I kinda’ liked it. It was like aural bubble gum that you could dance to. And, man, did I dance. Not sure my daughter or niece will go to another concert with me.

Oh...and I’ve also seen Paul Williams and Sheena Easton. They’re pretty good contenders, yeah? ‘Course, I was young and I think my parents paid for those shows. Does that count?

Christian: Of course it counts. Although Paul Williams and Sheena Easton still don’t compare to Menudo. Come on we’re talking Menudo!

And yes I did see them. I believe it was during my middle school years or maybe late grade school, I don’t recall. It was at the Lane County Fair but I will admit that I’m pretty sure I only went because my friend wanted to go, but needless to say I did see them. Alive!  

As a side note I also saw Kenny Loggins during his Danger Zone tour at the Lane County Fair. That guy should have been the fifth Beatle!

As for your iCosgrove concert thing you went to; I’m not familiar with who or what that is but taking your daughter to it kind of alleviates the embarrassing part of it since you were going because of your daughter. You can’t be embarrassed for doing something for your daughter.

I WIN VICTORY!

Pat:  Man, you really want this one, don’t you? I’m tempted to concede and give it to you, simply to avoid a tantrum...but I can’t!

C’MON! Was Menudo ever in a Neutrogena™ commercial targeting young, zit-tastic pre-teen girls?

  

Alright...in a last ditch effort, I’ll just throw out some concerts I vaguely (or vividly) remember attending and let YOU decide if they come close to the shame you feel for attending the Menudo show:

-Howard Jones (by the way...I did my best to dress up like Howard Jones for that show)
-Simply Red
-Club Nouveaux (I could not tell you who or what they were, but their name stays with me)
-U2
-PIL (not normally shameful, but Johnny Rotten--a bit heavy at the time--wiped his ass with a dollar bill and then flung it at the audience...who all quickly ran away from it)
-Stovokor (not sure if you know them, but this is Portland’s all-Klingon metal band)


That’s about all I’ve got. Take your best shot!

Christian: Not even close.

I have also seen U2 and Stovokor (not at the same time. plus I know a couple of the Stovokor guys) and none of the others come even close to touching Menudo. They wish they could touch Menudo in their dreams! That didn’t come out right.

I WIN VICTORY!!!!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

"The Bible" Review Extravaganza Bonanza-Palooza

A little while ago we did a review of the book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” which turned out to be one of our most popular posts to date. So we thought maybe we should ride this book review gravy train a bit more and do another book review.

My initial thought was to review another book that had several authors, which is probably one the biggest reasons why our review post was so popular, not to mention all those authors are also bloggers. Therefore, I suggested to Pat we review the Declaration of Independence. But he argued that the Declaration of Independence isn’t actually a book and that none of it’s authors have a blog. And they’re all dead.

New strategy.

Since “I Just Want to Pee Alone” is a popular book we decided to just pick another similar popular book so we went with “The Bible”.

Pat, I’m still trying to get through this thing so why don’t you go first.

Pat: This might be a bit controversial.  

Suggesting that the Bible has an author, or multiple authors, might be enough to send those who believe it to be the written word of God into fanatic mode.

Yes. God spoke English. (psst!  I’m just saying that to keep them at bay)

I mean, do you know of any other book with enough of a fan base to free it from the common grammatical rule of underlining titles? Man...this book has POWER. Do you really wanna’ go through with this?

Christian: Don’t worry I have the utmost respect for the Bible and I agree that we need to make sure we don’t offend anybody. I strongly believe, that as long as you aren’t harming anyone, everyone’s beliefs should be respected.

Now the first question I have about it is where in the Lord of the Rings storyline is the Bible supposed to have taken place? Is it before or after The Two Towers?

Pat: Well, it’s more like a parallel story, Christian. You know the Shire? Well, the Bible has a place called Eden. They’re very similar.

And all of those dark and evil things, like Mordor and Sauron and Saruman and Orcs and Morgoth and Azog? Well, the Bible has lots of those things too, and I think they’re all called Satan.

And Hobbits, with their hairy little feet? Well, I don’t think anything like that is in the Bible, but it DOES say that God (he...she...It...is one of the main characters) created everything, which kinda’ includes me, and I’m a pretty hairy fella, so...it fits.

I feel very uncomfortable being the authority on this one, just so you know.

Christian: Don’t worry. I don’t mind.

I’m going to go ahead and be honest here and admit that I’ve switched over to reading the cliff notes of The Bible. Okay, to be even more honest it’s more of a skimming than a reading but I think I’m getting the gist.

Under the character description for God it says:  

“God appears in many different forms, including an angel, a wrestler, a burst of fire, and a quiet whisper.”

A wrestler? I did some more skimming and learned that God and Jacob wrestle at some point.

God must be the one on the bottom.

So not only is it historical but it’s also action-packed! It explains Christmas at some point too right?

Pat:  I’m not sure I want to be part of this conversation anymore. I don’t really believe in hell, but I’m a little worried about radical members of the Westboro Baptist Church or the Taliban right now. But since we’ve already gone there, I suppose I should go ahead and say that I always pictured God as more of a Lucha Libre style wrestler.

Umm...where, exactly, did you get this Cliff’s Notes version of the Bible? I’m curious about Cliff’s authority to abbreviate the text.

Christian: Why? Was God not a wrestler? Dammit. I’ve been going around telling everyone that God is a wrestler. If that’s not true, all my neighbors are going to think I’m crazy now.

I found Cliff’s notes online here. But don’t worry I sent him an angry e-mail about his God wrestling lies.

Pat:   Wow. Sparknotes™ really does have everything covered. Impressive!

Umm...I suppose viewing God as a wrestler has a certain holiness and reverence to it. Kind of like the SUPREME wrestler. Like, there’s no way that Hulk Hogan, AndrĂ© the Giant, Superfly Jimmy Snooka, or, hell, even the Undertaker could take him down.  

Come to think of it...know what would make the greatest show ever? “Wrestlemania Second Coming”, where all of the world’s greatest wrestlers, past and present, get into a cage with God-the-Wrestler to see if they can wrangle the title away from him. I’d definitely pay to see that.

Sorry...did you ask a question back there somewhere?

Christian: So he was a wrestler? I’m confused.

Anyways, what did you think of the stuff where it’s just so-and-so begat so-and-so who begat so-and-so etc. To be honest I felt like that stuff really slowed down the story momentum and brought the whole plot to a snail’s crawl.

Begatting is boring.

Also, maybe it’s just me but there seems to be a lot of religious overtones in this thing. Did you notice that?

Pat:  Yes...VERY religious! I suppose they should put in a disclaimer at the beginning alerting you to the fact that the book will ring of Christian values. Values from the organized faith, that is. Not from you.

And honestly...I just kinda’ skimmed the begat section (I think they call it Genesis, but it was from before Phil Collins or Peter Gabriel were involved). Once I heard that there wasn’t going to be a test on it -- in THIS life, at least -- and that all it did was connect every single one of us back to Adam and Eve, I was like, “No thanks, Gideon!”

Hey! If I understand the term correctly though, I just realized that I begat my kids! That sounds so cool!

Christian: Yes. Congratulations on the begatting.

So in conclusion, while I will admit I did skip a lot of sections of The Bible, it did seem rather informative. Therefore if you are looking for a long read and can get past the heavy religious overtones, I would recommend it. How about you Pat?

Pat:  Yeah, sure. Go ahead and read it, I say. Might help you understand some things that are going on in the world (hint:  humanitarian efforts, necklaces with crosses on them, war, wine, comedy, Satanists, etc.). I’d probably wait for the paperback version, or even ‘til it appears at the library, but it should DEFINITELY have made your summer reading list. Or you might burn in hell.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

No Thank You on the Thank You, Thank You

Everyone likes receiving gifts. I’m not talking about silly imaginary gifts like freedom or the gift of life, I’m talking about tangible consumer product gifts. Stuff you can return for cash refunds if needed.

But there comes a price with receiving gifts. Thank yous. Writing thank yous is such a major chore. As a child I dreaded it so much that I seriously contemplated whether or not it was worth getting the gifts in the first place (It was).  

And now I have to help write thank yous for my kids. Their birthdays are one month apart from one another and by the time we finally finish off the thank yous for one birthday we have to start all over again with the next one.

And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous amount of thank yous we had to write after our wedding. It took about five months to write out all the thank yous for our wedding gifts. I can’t speak for my wife but I plan on never getting married again because of this.

Sickening.

So Pat, how do you feel about writing thank yous? Am I an ass if I suggest that we just get rid of them for good? I think its safe to assume that we are all thankful for the tangible consumer product gifts we receive. Do we really need to waste time writing out tiny notes stating the obvious?

Pat: Easy. I’m a traditionalist on this one. Not sure why. Not sure where it came from. But I am near fascist-esque when it comes to the discipline of writing customary thank you’s. I’m open to the idea of a “thank you” via a text or email or skywriting, but regardless of medium, a thank you is a right and proper must.
I’m kind of horrified and surprised that you would even ask. P’shaw!
Christian: It doesn’t surprise me that you are into these archaic customs. You probably still shave with a razor that only has one Mach, right? My razor is at Mach 3. I need the extra Machs because I’ve got things to do and can’t waste my time shaving or writing notes to people telling them something that surely they already know.
How about this: Since it’s safe to assume anytime you give a gift to someone they are thankful for it, how about we only send the notes when we aren’t thankful? No Thank You notes! That way if you don’t receive a note from someone you can assume they are thankful for it. And if you do receive a note, well,  then you obviously blew it.
What do you think?
Pat: I’d rather just give them a Johnny Cash style finger upon receipt and forgo the written unpleasantries. I mean, they suck, right? So we’re going to reward them with our time and energy writing a note? Nope. Not me.
I’m sticking with the traditional thank you. And mine will likely be handwritten on a nice, thick-grade paper, maybe even with a graphic on it. Or a phone message.
You do know that there are customary and accepted periods of time in which you’re able to write thank yous, don’t you? For instance, you have a year after your wedding to get all your thank yous out. About the same for condolence cards or gifts.
Not sure who came up with the rules, but I bet it was a group like the League of Nations, or the Hall of Justice or something. And who are we, really, to argue with them?
Christian: It was Batman wasn’t it? Thank you note deadlines totally seems like a Batman and Robin thing. Most people would probably assume Aquaman, but I’m pretty sure he’s illiterate. And Batman and Robin have a surprising amount of free time. They probably put the little bat emblem on all their thank yous too. Robin probably begins each one with something like “Holy great gifts, Batman!” and then they laugh.
Disgusting.
But what happens if you don’t make the deadline? Also - completely unrelated - can you send me your mailing address again? I still need to send you a thank you from my wedding. It’s been roughly 120 months so I need to get that out soon.
Pat:  I don’t know. I don’t think anyone has ever tried that. I think at this point you should just recognize that you’re an inconsiderate ingrate and wait for the next opportunity to redeem yourself. Probably safer than trying to send a “Thank You” past the customary deadline.
Christian: Cool. No need to send you a thank you then. Got it.
Pat: Why do you think people feel so comfortable dissing on Aquaman? I always liked him, but now I get the sense I wasn’t supposed to. Poor guy.
Christian: If you don’t know why Aquaman is lame then you are part of the problem and not part of the solution Pat.