Last Meal

I don’t know about you Pat, but I plan on never getting arrested and then executed on death row. It’s one of the items on my empty bucket list (things I don’t want to ever do before I die). Sure there’s the off chance I’ll get framed for a crime I didn’t commit. But my plan for that is to just execute a harrowing escape from prison. Which is why I schedule weekly escaping practices for myself from my basement. Granted I have never been able to successfully escape from my basement in the allotted time - 3 hours - but that’s most likely because I keep all the beer down there.

Anyways, another area of the being-put-on-death-row-for-a-crime-I-didn’t-commit scenario I have put a lot of thought into is my last meal (assuming my harrowing escape works out the same way as trying to escape from my basement -There’s beer in prison right?).

Pat, have you put any thought into what your last meal would be if for some reason you could only have one more meal before you died?

Pat: Man, buddy, when you nail it you REALLY nail it!* I have thought about this one, a lot!

And it might surprise you, me being the grand gourmand I am. Forget the idea of filet mignon and lobster with beurre blanc, with macerated roots and tubers. If it’s my last meal, I want a gut-stuffing platter of all the shit that experts said would kill me if I didn’t stop eating it.

That’s right...we’re talking gravy--LOTS of it!--on top of fried balls of anything covered in cheese that comes out of a tube. Might as well throw some crispy bacon on top of all that and try to squeeze it all into a giant tortilla in order to make the giantest crap-food chimichanga the world has ever seen. Cover it with some crema and some guaca-sauce, and I might just be swimming in a little pool of heaven.

Yep...kinda' like that.

Christian:  Seems like you should add an item from 7-11 on top of that thing too. Doesn’t matter what the item is as long as it’s from 7-11.

But Pat I think we are on the same page on this one. Yes, the naive and foolish answer would be to select something like lobster or steak. And I’ll be the first to admit that some of my favorite meals of all time were such things. But the kicker here is that lobster and steak aren’t always really good.

Even the top elite chefs from the finest Sizzlers around don’t always get it right. Are you going to want to risk it on your last meal ever? No.

As for me my last meal would be a large sausage pizza from my favorite pizza place, Papa’s Pizza (Sorry non-Oregonians, they’re a Willamette Valley only establishment). I’ve probably had over 1500 of these pizzas in my lifetime and I have never been unhappy with one. Their cheese is thick and melts with flavor while their crust falls perfectly between not too thin and not too thick. Perfection. And what is the only way to improve upon perfection? Put sausage on the perfection.

I think I really hit this one out of the park.

Pat: Something about the image of a sausage pizza always makes me vurp a little. I had a bad experience with an over-sausaged Chicago style pizza (I was in Chicago at the time, so I guess it was just “pizza”), where, in order to be able to eat it I had to pick out a lot of the sausage, which left me with a big ball-like thing of sausage and cheese, flecked with little spots of red.

Somewhere between...

this

and

this.

But that’s cool...if that’s what you want for your last meal, then who the hell am I to argue. (vurp!).

I know that this isn’t the time or place to get a little self-righteous or preachy, but do you want to think about having even a little something green on your last meal Christian?

What if we play the airplane game as I feed it to you?

Christian: Something green? Pat, do you even understand what we are talking about here? This is our last meal. EVER. We’re going to die shortly after eating it (which is why I’m ordering a large pizza. It’s going to take me awhile to finish that baby off).

Why would you want to eat some greens? Are you planning on doing some exercising afterwards too? Don’t forget to floss while you’re at it.

Sheesh Pat, you really know how to take the fun out of being executed on death row.

Pat:  No, you’re probably right. It’s just that I think I might get a tiny bit nostalgic right at the end, and I might feel a twinge of regret about not eating something that connects me with this beautiful green planet that has nurtured me and helped me grow.

You don’t want to throw even a sprig of parsley on there? Just for fun, fresh breath...and a final taste of mother earth?

Christian: Stacey is right. You are a hippy.

*for all of our followers playing the “that’s-what-she-said” game, I just helped you get 100 points!