Do We Really Need Weather People?

Pat, weather people are ridiculous, right? We don’t need them, right?

Pat: Agreed.

Wait! Were you talking about the people who tend to be homely looking fellas or snappy looking women who pretend to know about what the clouds are going to do tomorrow, or did you mean people who had superpowers that enabled them to harness the unlimited forces of the earth’s meteorological elements, like Storm from X-Men?

If it’s the former, then, yeah...trash ‘em. But if it’s the latter...man, I wouldn’t mess with them.

Christian: I’m talking about the former. Those self-proclaimed clairvoyant types that pretend to have the ability to predict the future with their Doppler6000 or StormBuster1000 weather machines which we all know are just expensive wind chimes.

Now don’t get me wrong. The “weather” people that try and predict and follow hurricanes and tornadoes and such provide a valuable service. People’s lives are at stake in those cases. Those people are professionals. The weather people I don’t care for are the local boobs.

The nightly news seems to devote half of their time to the weather which is ridiculous considering they are just guessing. At their best they can tell you what the current weather is - which I can too without even using a wind chime - and then they are just guessing at the rest. It should take them all of 30 seconds to deliver the weather. But instead they display a bunch of fancy maps while waving their arms pretending like they have a clue as to what the weather is going to be like in a couple of days. They might as well be telling me the final score of the next ten Super Bowls.

I’m annoyed by the whole thing.

Pat: I gotta’ be honest with you, man...I don’t really think about weather much. Try not to, anyway. And I guess that means I don’t pay attention to weather people. I kinda’ just walk outside and hope I dressed right.

Come to think of it, I really don’t watch the news. Or even read a newspaper.

I think I might have turned into a hermit somewhere in the last ten years. Shit. I gotta’ get out more.

Christian: Well you might not want to go out right now because despite the fact that there isn’t a cloud in the sky the weather people are saying that it will be pouring down rain in the next ten minutes.

See how horrible that is? Granted, you can just ignore them. To be honest I don’t remember the last time I watched the news. Although I have been meaning to check in to see if that O.J. Simpson trial ever ended.

But even if you don’t pay any attention to them, doesn’t it irk you that there are people out there getting paid good money pretending to be soothsayers and society just accepts it?

Artist rendering of a weather person.

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Pat: Well, I’d like to take you back even further. If you wonder who these yahoos on TV are, then consider: who the hell was Poor Richard and how did he know so goddamned much about everything at a time when I don’t think anybody knew anything except how to grow the food they ate and create countries?

And what, exactly, is an almanac?

I kinda’ think your weather-hatred might stem from him, so you might want to do a little research.

Christian: I googled who Poor Richard was and learned that it was the pseudonym used by Benjamin Franklin when writing his weather predicting almanacs. I did not know that.

So I then googled to see who Benjamin Franklin was and it turns out he was some kind of self-proclaimed wizard that claimed he could control electricity with his magic kites. Sounds like a complete lunatic if you ask me. But this just strengthens my argument that the whole idea of weather people is absurd.

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

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How are you not more outraged Pat?

Pat: Mmm...you gotta’ pick your battles, man. And I generally don’t battle with guys who can conjure lightning. Thunder, yes, but not lightning.

Don’t get me wrong...I’m with you. I think weather people are silly and unnecessary. I am slightly intrigued by the fact that the weatherperson demographic seems to be defined by inhumanly large and white teeth, though.

But I’m not gonna’ let ‘em get under my skin. They can’t use their Doppler 8 thingy to get under my skin, can they?

Christian: I doubt it since their dopplers always seem to have performance issues.

Other People's Kids? Booooo!

Pat I’m guessing you like yours, right? I like mine too. And I would go so far as to say that most people probably like their kids. But what about other people’s kids? Those I’m not sure about.

My little angels of sunshine hardly ever do anything wrong or bad. And if they do I assume it’s because they learned it from some other hellion kid that is not one of my kids. My kids are good learners by the way*.

So Pat, how do you feel about other people’s kids?

Pat:  Funny thing...when you said “...you like yours, right?” I wasn’t exactly thinking about kids right off the bat. I was thinking about...something else. (and, YES, I do like mine!)

Sorry.

Umm...is this a trick? ‘Cause, technically, your kids are “other people’s kids”, so I kinda’ feel like I’m being set up here. Clarification, please.

Christian: No no. My kid’s are my kids. Not other people’s kids. God, that would be horrible if my kids were like other people’s kids. No, no, definitely not other people’s kids.

Other people’s kids.

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Clear now?

Pat:  Nope. Still not falling for it. Please clarify: if I refer to other peoples’ kids--say I claim to hate and absolutely despise them--do your kids fall into that group? Because from my vantage point, even though I know and, I guess, LIKE you...will it be construed that your kids drive me nuts? Hypothetically, that is. If so...then I refuse to answer. If not, then yes.

Christian: I can’t believe that you are even suggesting that my kids might be like other people’s kids. Have you ever spent any time with other people’s kids? They are a mess. My kids are like well domesticated politeness-ponies and if they ever misbehave it’s because some bad seeds got into the stable and corrupted them... So no, my kids are not included amongst other people’s kids.

Now please proceed with your answer.

Pat:  Sorry. I still feel like this is a set-up. Trying to trust my gut better these days. And right now my gut says, “Don’t answer!”. It’s also saying “Chile relleno burrito!” but that’s the part of my gut I’m still trying to resist.

I love other people’s kids. Actually, I love all kids. Even the ones who never stop smelling bad. Especially those ones.

And the ones who mess up my house when their parents stop by for a quick 5 minute surprise visit. Those ones are so darn cute! Case closed?

Christian: But how do you feel about other people’s kids’ influence on your kids? It seems like other people’s kids are everywhere nowadays so inevitably my kids are at risk of being influenced by them. Since your kids are older than mine have they been influenced? Are they complete disasters now?

Pat: Oh, that’s easy. I didn’t know that’s what you were getting at.

I don’t let other kids anywhere near my kids. Not even in the same room, for fear of contamination. My kids have heard of other children, but only as characters in fictional stories. Not like they really exist. TV has been WONDERFUL for that. We just tell them that those “other kids” are like the ones on TV, and not real.

Christian: What about the cast of The Real World? Do your kids think they are real or not real? Either way I wouldn’t want those dipshits anywhere near my kids. I guarantee you all of them were other people’s kids at some point.

Pat:  Is that show still on? Has Puck lightened up at all? He was a dick. I don’t let my kids watch TV shows with dicks in them. (<-- just realized that sentence can be read two ways, and I want to assure our readers that it is true in both readings)

Christian: Oh, I’m sure Puck is still on it. He was the only thing that made it interesting. And if MTV is about anything, it’s about keeping to its roots and not changing.

But you are right about him being a dick (and keeping your children away from dicks). I bet you anything he’s someone else’s kid, which totally proves my point. Who want’s their kids hanging out and playing with dicks? Not me.

Other people’s kids are no good. I’m going to follow your lead Pat and from now on I’m just going to tell my kids that other people’s kids are just characters on TV like the Skipper and Gilligan. They don’t really exist and should be feared.

We’re really kicking the ass out of this parenting thing.

* This paragraph was taken from a comment I left over at MOV’s blog mothersofbrothersblog and she suggested we turn it into a post. So you have her to thank or blame depending on your opinion of this post.

The Lucky Charms Marshmallow Epidemic

The other day I was doing some research in the name of science and discovered that there are now way too many different kinds of marshmallows in Lucky Charms (For those of you unfamiliar with Lucky Charms, it’s a breakfast cereal consisting of an assortment of marshmallow shapes mixed with some dry cat food).

Back in my kid days we only had five different kinds of marshmallows: pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, and blue diamonds.

Of course in 1984 they introduced purple horseshoes which ended up being a huge controversy turning this country upside down and causing the Russians to boycott the 84’ Olympics. But as a world we eventually healed.

But now I’ve learned that they have added all kinds of new absurd marshmallows. There’s shooting stars, balloons, rainbows, pots of gold, and something called cloverhats. I’m disgusted. 

They’re magically oversaturated with marshmallows is what they are.

Pat, surely you are not a fan of all these new foreign marshmallows are you?

Pat:  I think I did a clover hat at a Dead show way back in college. Not sure, but that sounds familiar. And I hear shooting stars are what all the kids these days are trading their Ativan™ and Ritalin™ for when they go to those weekend parties.  

You can buy those in cereals now? Wow...things are getting progressive!

Christian: I’m not surprised at all that you are in favor of this free-for-all orgy of marshmallow recklessness. Weren't you also the one that argued that they needed more members in Menudo if they ever really wanted to reach true success? Pshhh.

So if you are in favor of this new marshmallow regime, let me ask you this; is there a point at which you’ll feel like there are too many marshmallows? Or do you think they should just keep adding new marshmallow after new marshmallow after new marshmallow until someone is killed?

Pat:  First off...don’t try to distort my words. What I said was that I thought it was pretty cool that they were putting DRUGS into Lucky Charms. Because I misunderstood and thought that those things you were talking about were drugs, and then I started thinking about how much more I probably would’ve liked cereal--and potentially life--if there were drugs in it.  

But anyway...now I get it. And I have to say I still think the more-marshmallow thing is okay. I mean, nobody ever buys that cereal for the bland grain-based non-marshmallow things, do they? Hell, I think it’d be cool if the cereal was nothing BUT those weird foamy marshmallows. Imagine the gloopy paste that would turn into when mixed with milk and saliva in your mouth. Mmmmmmmmmm!

Christian: Yes I agree, drugs or no drugs, the marshmallows are the best part.

Drugs

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However I do feel you need at least a little bit of the dry cat food part for texture’s sake but that’s an argument for another day.

My issue with these new age Lucky Charms is the constant changing of the marshmallow shapes. If they keep adding and removing marshmallows all willy-nilly like, it’s just going to confuse and frighten kids (like Menudo). And what if a kid gets particularly attached to a specific marshmallow but it’s then removed to make room for another new one?

How am I supposed to explain to my four year old that his favorite hot air balloon Lucky Charm marshmallow is now dead? Slaughtered into a cold pool of gooey blood by marketing marshmallow murderers who say the balloon marshmallow wasn’t trending well?

Pat, you are a monster.

Pat:   I suppose you struggle with the fact that “Small Wonder” and “Charles in Charge” aren’t on TV anymore, too. Yeah? Life moves ever forward, Christian, in people and in marshmallow-whole-grain(??) cereals. Embrace change or prepare to huddle in a small mass of quivering flesh on your kitchen floor. Forever.

Christian: Hey, I’m all for change. Without it technology wouldn’t advance and we wouldn’t grow as people. But it is also important to hold onto tradition and our roots. And change just for change’s sake is not something I’m always on board with. Especially at the frequency the marshmallow engineers at General Mills keep changing the Lucky Charms marshmallows.

Since 1986, they have added a whale-shaped marshmallow then got rid of it, a green tree-shaped one then got rid of it, sprinkled marshmallows then got rid of them, and don’t even get me started on the ludicrous number of freakish star and balloon hybrid marshmallows they have experimented with over the years.

I don’t remember this one.

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They are basically doing their market research on us. Can’t they just figure out what the best shapes are without having to experiment on us?

Pat, do you like having large corporations experiment on you? I don’t.

Pat: Marshmallow-dentata? That’s kind of fucked up. Gelatin balls shouldn’t have teeth. Or eyes, I suppose.  

Would this be a bad time to bring up the light brown M&M™  from our youth?

Christian: EXACTLY!!! That’s the perfect example of large corporations experimenting on us. I don’t remember all the facts as to why they eventually discontinued them but didn’t those light brown M&Ms kill a lot of people including wiping out the entire population of a small town in Nebraska? Again, I don’t remember the details but DON’T google it. We don’t want to break the momentum this post has going on right now.

And let us not forget the Coca-Cola recipe experiments of the 80’s which was the root cause of Baby Jessica falling down that well.  

In conclusion, I think it’s pretty obvious that constant changing of the marshmallows in Lucky Charms will only lead to the devastation of small midwest towns and babies falling down wells.