Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Cat Makes a Much Better Agent Cooper Than Your Dog

The other day as I was reenacting scenes from Twin Peaks with my two cats, I thought to myself; “Dog people are so ridiculous”.  It happened as I was putting plastic wrap on my boy cat who was portraying Laura Palmer and sleeping at the time. I know, I know... it seems like odd casting for a boy cat, but unfortunately for him he looks a lot more like Laura Palmer than my girl cat, who is a dead ringer for Special Agent Cooper, and was also sleeping at the time.  

The plastic wrap was what made me think about how dog owners have to follow their dogs around cleaning up their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. It’s just that they are so high maintenance. Cats on the other hand sleep about 18 hours a day and can be left alone days, if not months at a time, without ever knowing you were gone.  

Pat, despite the fact that he has two cats and no dogs, claims to be a dog person. Why?

Pat:   Alright, let’s clear the air on a couple of things first.

I’ve never seen Twin Peaks. The TV show or the movie. Sorry. I know-- how can anyone who claims to be a member of the tail end of Generation X consider himself relevant when he has not experienced the mastery of Lynchian TV? I don’t know, but I haven’t seen it, I was never much into Nirvana (and still aren’t, though by god I’ve tried), and I’ve never experimented with Veganism.

Assuming it’s okay to proceed, I also need to let you know that, though you are correct in describing me as a dog person who happens to own cats, I need to correct one important detail:  we did in fact own TWO cats until about two months ago. At that time we learned that one of our cats had been eaten by a coyote. Yes, tragic. Yes, hard for the kids to deal with. Yes, life is a bit easier with one less cat. Yes, I am an insensitive asshole.

Assuming it’s still okay to proceed, I’ll address the dog issue.  

Yes, they are high maintenance, but only if you are what I call a “new generation” dog owner, which is the kind I guess groups like PETA and the ASPCA endorse. These are the people who treat their dogs as equal or MORE revered members of their families, such as every pet owner in Boulder, Colorado (heres a link). I am not one of those people.

Yet I still love dogs. For the very selfish reason that dogs love me. Stupidly, without question, and with undying loyalty...dogs love me. Looking at me with excited adoration every time they see me, as though it’s the first time or as though I am rescuing them from certain doom, and longing to cover my face with slobbery licks...dogs love me. More than cats. Or at least more than my cats--excuse me, my CAT-- show me. I need direct, overt love, not the kind of cat-love that requires inference and trust.

Christian: That’s funny. Cats, in general, tend to really love me, which is maybe why I really like them. But actually dogs tend to really love me too, so maybe not. Actually almost all animals seem to really love me. Except fish. They seem rather indifferent.  

What I’m basically saying is that cats can love you just as much as dogs can. In fact I don’t think there is anything dogs can do that cats can’t.

Want to go for a walk? Grab that leash...

 
Slow down Mr. Whiskers!

Want to teach them to do tricks? Go right ahead...

 
Not quite sure what the trick is but just look at the effort!

Want to play frisbee? No problem...

 
Score!

So why go with a dog?

Pat:  Y’know...you’re right. Dogs might be either overrated or too much of a commitment, what with this new era of responsible pet-ownership. But you know what? I don’t want a cat. Know what I want? A pet OTTER!

 
Aww...

 
Oh!
 
But the best part?

 
YES!

Christian:  OK, I’m convinced. Sea otter it is. I mean just look how adorable they are. Maybe put a glass of scotch in that last one’s hands instead of beer. It’s like having your own little aquatic butler.

Questions though. How much work are they? I’m cool with filling the kiddie pool out back with some water and pouring some salt in it (kosher salt is fine right?). But do I need to do anything else?

What about when I go on vacation? Of course I’ll leave them with a can of sardines or something but can I leave them at home or do we have to take them with us? Can you take them on board a plane?

 
Uh oh.

Pat:   Yeah, that’s the thing. I heard that they are the most expensive animal to keep at our local zoo...even more than elephants and walking sticks and red pandas. Apparently it’s because they are VERY finicky about the freshness of their seafood. Not sure that can of sardines is gonna do the trick.

Planes? Completely not sure.

Leave ‘em at home alone? Sure...why not? This one was left alone and he did just fine:

 


Christian:   OK, so they are incredibly expensive to maintain and may not travel well but they can be left home alone. Sign me up. The ability to be left home alone is actually the most important quality I look for in a pet. That and it must not have any desire to eat me.

Pat:  Hey, guess what, man? Since we started this conversation, we’ve acquired two new cats. Kittens, technically, but I know they’re going to turn into cats in due time. Wanna’ know something? Never, EVER, use the words “maybe”, “kittens”, and “for” “your” “birthday” in the same sentence. Especially without consulting the other parent of your children.

Want our old one? He’ll make a GREAT Laura Palmer!

Christian: No thanks. But if you have one that looks like Sheriff Harry S. Truman I’ll take it!

28 comments:

  1. Dog person. All the way. For the same reason of liking the attention they give you.

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    1. Yeah it is nice how much attention they will give you and how devoted they are to you. But then there's all the slobber.

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  2. Excellent conversation about cats and dogs. I have to admit, my favorite pet used to be a "roommate". I heard they were quite self-sufficient and even helped pay the bills. It turns out, that was a lie.

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    1. Oh yes a roommate can make for a very good pet. But as you know, it's hard to find a good one that will work for you and has already been neutered.

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  3. I'm a dog person. As far as self-sufficiency goes, I can see it as a toss-up. I don't do outdoor cats, so that means a litter box, which is less pleasant than a house-trained dog (with a fence, when it's not raining). On the other hand, we can just set up the automatic feeder and leave the cat a couple of days. On the third hand, only our cat has scarred one of us, but that's really a singular cat issue, not an entire species problem.

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    1. Yup each definitely has its pros and cons. For example I like the idea that you can take a dog on vacation (at least on some vacations) but at the same time I don't want to have to always take me dog on vacation with me.

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  4. Hey folks...that link to Boulder pet owners is a bit faulty. Try this one instead:

    http://www.animalsheltering.org/resources/magazine/nov_dec_2000/boulder_pet_guardian.html

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  5. I'm a dog person. I get the appeal of cats, but like Brad Pitt, they just don't do it for me.

    Although, putting tinfoil on a cat's feet is a lot funnier than doing it to a dog, because dogs cannot be shamed.

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    1. There are not many things in this world that are more enjoyable than an embarrassed cat.

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  6. After living with both dogs and cats, I can say I prefer fish. The complete indifference is great, much like chasing a guy who "isn't that into you."

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    1. Yup there is something to be said about the whole no emotional attachment thing. That's probably why I get along so well with my thermos.

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  7. I'm a dog guy, but as my mutt gets older and increasingly incontinent, I'm leaning toward pet rocks. A lot.

    I think you're in the right area with the otter idea, though. Maybe try a ferret -- from what I understand, they're like little non-finicky land otters. And everyone I've ever known who owns the little turd-dropping rodents goes nuts over them. So there's got to be something good there.

    Either that, or they've figured out how to hypnotize people.

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    1. Oooh, I love the idea of a land otter. Mostly because I really like the term land otter.

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  8. Do you guys mean to be funny? Or is it just my tweaked mind that finds funny where funny is not meant to be? Loved this conversation... I just love the style.

    I'm a no pet person. I had cats when I was a kid but they had a life expectancy of about a year (there were no vets here back then) so it was just too heart-breaking to keep them.

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    1. Yes, definitely the worst thing about having any pet is that you always outlive them. :(

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    2. Hey there, I've given you an award. If you're into that sort of thing then drop by to pick it up :)

      http://abozosabbozzo.blogspot.in/2012/06/more-awards-yay.html

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  9. I want everyone to know that Christian is lying when he says that dogs love him. I have not met a dog yet who can stand him.

    Cats, on the other hand, do love him. I have wondered from time to time if it's truly love or if they're trying to eat him. I'm guessing it's the latter due to his habit of using olive oil instead of lotion.

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    1. Nonsense! Your dog loves me! As all dogs do. I usually have to turn down the charm a little bit when I'm around her so that she doesn't maul me with love. Plus it softens the blow a little when I inevitable have to leave.

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  10. My cat looks like Scott Baio (the Charles In Charge years) and eats medium-sized dogs for lunch. Do you have a part that might be appropriate for him? (Be forewarned, he's kind of a diva.)

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    1. He sounds like he might be kind of a big guy so maybe he could play the giant? But on the other hand if he has Scott Baio looks (Charles in Charge was his prime years too!) maybe he could play the roll of Billy Zane's character John Wheeler. I'll let you know when the auditions are.

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  11. That is SO interesting about otters. Is that really true? They're the most expensive animal to keep at the zoo? You're lying, right? I hate thinking I'm a good joke getter and then don't get the joke. I could barely make it through this post because I was laughing so hard at the part about you the reenactment of Twin Peaks with cats. I thought I was the only one to do that. I do mine withe the opossums that sneak into our yard, though.

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    1. Although I did not do the research myself I'm assuming Pat is telling the truth. Or at least what he thinks is the truth. I have heard in the past that aquatic animals are very expensive for zoos because of all the upkeep needed on their water tanks.

      And oooh, I had never thought about using opossums. That sounds epic!

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    2. Total truth, at least as far as our local zookeeps can be trusted! And it has not to do with their water tanks, but, instead, with their finicky penchant for only the freshest of seafoods. Consider them like über snobby sushi mavens!

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    3. I'll never look at those little snots the same.

      (Thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny last week!)

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  12. Okay, I've been convinced. I'm getting a pet otter. "Aquatic butler" sold me on it. Thank you kind sirs.

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    1. I know, wouldn't an aquatic butler solve all of life's problems.

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