T-to-the-ANK-to-the-TOPS

Pat:  Hey Christian...what are your thoughts on these:

 

Christian: They seem fine. But I’m not really into boy bands. It’s cool that you are but it’s just not my thing.

Pat:  No, that’s not a boy band, or at least not one that I like. LOOK, Christian! What else do they have in common?

Christian: They’re all kind of look like potential douchebags? Oh I know! The last two on the right are twins? Twin douchebags. Right? What do I win?

Pat:  No...I think that’s actually the same guy. I’ll give you one more try.

Christian: Is this the new cast of that reality show “Meet the Jersey Shoredashians” that I keep hearing everyone talking about but have never seen? That’s cool that they are casting a pair of twins.

Pat:  No...just stop it! (I STILL can’t figure out how Bruce Jenner got into that mess...remember when he KILLED it hosting Battle of the Network Stars in ‘78?)

The tank tops. What do you think about the tank tops. I ask because I can’t wear them and every now and then I get a little desirous to do so. Ooh...that was a fun word to type, “desirous”.

Christian: Oh the tank tops. I see them now. And I kind of agree with you. I too don’t feel like I can pull off a tank top and I am envious of those who can. They seem so freeing.  

But maybe it’s a good thing because if I did, the picture below would most likely be an all too common occurrence for me:

 

Is he wearing a tank top or not? This guy is the

David Copperfield of upper body apparel.

But when you say you can’t wear them is it because you feel like you don’t look good in them or is there something else preventing you from letting those glorious shoulders of your’s breathe?

Pat:  No, there’s something else preventing me (although your picture has done nicely at dissuading me from the allure of the tank top!). It’s called the “I love you less” clause.

My spouse-wife-woman-partner and I have a mutual agreement that we each get one thing that makes us love the other less, just a little bit. For her, it’s me wearing tank tops. Or it’s the tank tops themselves. Or what they represent. I’m not sure. All I know is that I can’t wear them in her presence.  

One time, when she was out, I donned a tank top and went for a run (it was AWESOME, by the way! It just felt so goooooooooooood!). But I went too far, and when I got home she was already here. Didn’t go well, and I had to kowtow a bit.

I miss them. I know they look cheesy and might contribute to an underestimation of my educational background or financial status, but I think that, given the chance of being stuck on a desert island with only one upper-torso apparel item to choose from, you’d surely find me in a tank top enjoying desperation and solitude. Eating burritos. Listening to Paul Simon’s “Graceland” or Wilco’s “Being There”. Oh, wait. I got stuck in other desert island games there!

Christian:  Although very difficult - I’m going to go ahead and bite my tongue and ignore your desert island album choices.

It’s sounding like you’re in a little bit of a tougher spot with regards to this tank top issue than I am. In my case, I would greatly love myself less if I wore them, even though I wish I could. But unfortunately for you, you have the additional outside pressure that.... Oh Jesus I can’t take it. Paul Simon’s “Graceland”?!?!? Really?

Is this desert island in 1986? I could maybe understand picking that album back then when it was such a huge hit, but haven’t you matured since then? Who wants visions of Paul Simon dancing around with some exploited African tribesman when you are stuck on a desert island? Actually forget the tribesman, who wants visions of Paul Simon?

 

What the? He thinks he’s Indiana Jones now?

Paul Simon. Please. Are you sure this isn’t the reason why your wife loves you a little less? Were you listening to Graceland when she found you in that tank top?

As for Wilco, I have not heard much from them but have liked one or two things that I have heard. They don’t strike me as desert island worthy though.  

Pat: Dude! How uncool was that to stray from the topic?!? I NEVER do that! Back off on Paul Simon. Good man. Good album. Leave it at that. Plus, I was 14 and going through some tough times. Vulnerable. Unless you’ve been there, step off, stonethrower! Paul was my rock. My island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries. ‘Nuff said.

And don’t even THINK about fucking with Wilco.

Answer the question (which now has been changed): if given free tickets to a Paul Simon concert, would you stay through the encore if he, and all of his exploited South African backup singers in Ladysmith Black Mambazo, were wearing tank tops?

Christian: I think the exploited South African backup singers would look fine in tank tops. As for Paul Simon, probably not. I’m assuming that since I had made it all the way to the encore he must have changed into this tank top between songs, just before the encore. At this point, if he started into a Simon & Garfunkel song (In my opinion their name should have been The Garfunkel Explosion Experience)  then I would stick around. If he started singing about diamond shoes and changing his name to Al then I’m out of there.

I just went back and reread your last paragraph and realized you probably meant would I stay through the whole concert vs. me having sat through the concert up until the encore and then wondering whether I would stay based on who was wearing tank tops, which was how I interpreted it. I could have gone back and changed my answer but I thought it would be easier just to type out this long winded explanation instead. Here’s Richard Simmons:

 

The Elvis of tank tops.