Thursday, November 21, 2013

Manly Bucket List

As many of you may or may not know the current month is November. Honest. And every November is the month of Movember. Unfamiliar with Movember? Well Movember is a movement to help raise awareness and funds for men’s health to fight prostate and testicular cancer amongst other things.

Typically how it works is men can register at the Movember website and declare that they are going to grow a mustache for the entire month to help raise money and awareness. It’s a fun way to help out a great cause.

Which neither Pat nor I are doing. But not because it’s not a great cause.

First off Pat already has a beard right now so I don’t know how that’s supposed to work and I pretty much grow a mustache every day which needs to be shaved before going to bed otherwise there isn’t enough room in the bed for my wife, myself, and my mustache. Think Tom Selleck multiplied by that other dude from Hall and Oates. No not Hall. The other dude.

But another thing that is currently going around the internet to help support Movember is the Manly Bucket List. The idea being that you do a blog post listing five manly things that you want to do in November or at least before you die. Pat and I can both count to five so this is right up our alley.

Amy from Kid-Free Living is the one that turned us onto to this so please go see her list too. Yes women can also have manly bucket lists.

I’ll start.

Christian: I decided to list things I want to accomplish in my lifetime instead of in the month of November since I’m way too busy right now to get anything done. This also makes it easier since I already have a bucket list of things I want to do before I die. Plus I’m a man so by default they are manly.

The only downside was that there are only two items in my current bucket list so I had to add three more. Here they are:

1. Visit every continent in the world (Including Antarctica).
2. Visit every state in the US.
3. Do the running of the bulls in the opposite direction.
4. Rescue a half a dozen people from atop Mt Everest without using any sunscreen.
5. Bedsex me lady underneath a grand waterfall as a chorus of trumpeteers are heard off in the distance.

Your turn Pat.

Pat: Dammit, I think I did it wrong again. When you mentioned that we need to do our manly bucket list things before the end of November, I thought you meant we needed to actually DO them...not just write about them.  

So I went ahead and did them, and have spent the last week wondering just what in the hell I plan on doing with my life NOW. I’m all down for men’s health, man, but they need to think about the resulting ennui and malaise and other depressing French things that come after doing everything you wanted to do with your life.

To be honest, they weren’t really that manly or that buckety. Here they are:

-I bought a drywall repair kit at the hardware store. Don’t assume I know what to do with it.
-I trimmed my beard. Twice.
-I sweated. A lot. Man sweat.*
-I chopped wood. A lot of wood. Into kindling. Kindling has been scientifically proven to be the smallest and most precise--and therefore manly--size of wood you can hew with an ax. And I did it!
-I continued to pay taxes and toil daily in order to provide for my family and stay up-to-date on my mortgage.

I know. Not too impressive.  

Okay, so I need another list, huh? No problem...I can do this. Five things I’m going to do with all of my testosterone-driven, prostrate-inspired, testicularly-fueled manly power before I die include:

1.  Go places and traverse them on foot--at least partly--in order to discover for myself and possibly the rest of humankind, the lesser known wonders of the world. Places like the hydrangea covered hills of the Azores. Places like the salmon-stuffed streams of the Kamchatka Peninsula (and, NO, I was not a RISK dork in college!). Places like the great rhododendron forests of Bhutan. Places like the dizzying food-courts of the Mall of America of Minnesota.
2.  Kill something and then eat it. Preferably something more challenging and filling than a rutabaga, trout or game hen.
3.  Run for something and get elected by a wide margin and fulfill most of my campaign promises.
4.  Build a house.
5.  Bedsex me lady underneath a grand waterfall as a chorus of trumpeteers are heard off in the distance, while a couple doing the very same thing looks over at us with eyes that say, “Man, they REALLY know how to do that!”

How’s that sound?

*This occurred mostly after activities like running or chopping wood, but to be honest, it tends to happen even when I’m just sitting still. Guess I’m a bit of a perspirer.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

"You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth" Review Extravaganza Bonanza-Palooza

It’s time for another PCPPP book review! As many will recall, a while back we did a review of the book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” which contained a plethora of essays written by women bloggers, about finding the humor in being a mother. Naturally they called on us to do a review.  This time around we’re reviewing “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” which is described as

“...39 (mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women.”

Again, a perfect fit for us. Of course we are assuming that they are trying to break into the macho chainsaw-mechanic type demographic that we are so often associated with. Or more likely… due to our slightly androgynous names they think we are two women. Either way we are super stoked to review the book!*

Our friend Meredith over at Mom of the Year was nice enough to send us a copy for review and once we got it we immediately tore into it. Now we know what you are thinking: “You two macho guys with incredible fashion sense only review books that people ask you to review.” This is not true. We did recently do a review of The Bible and despite all the rumors that are out there, God did not ask us to review it**.

Anyways let’s get to the reviewing...

Christian: First off, I just assumed there would be a lot of pillow fighting ending in kissing in this book but unfortunately not only was there very little of that there was none.

However the very first chapter was about breasts and I was like SOLD!!! Five stars! Let’s wrap this review up!

Pat: Yeah...sorry Christian. No cute pillow fights in this one, but you’re spot on with the breast talk! And lots of vaginas too, just like in the last book. Which is funny. Because I thought it was just us guys who liked to talk about our junk. I didn’t know that women talked about their junk too. Wait. Not that I think it’s junk. I think it’s beautiful. Beautiful junk. Wait. Vaginas...not junk.  


I liked the book. There. Can we be done? I’m doing that thing again where I’m saying things that I’m going to have to apologize for later.

Christian: The last book we reviewed? The Bible? I don’t remember there being a lot of vaginas in it. Wait are you talking about the parting of the Red Sea?

Pat:  No. But I think you’re onto something. Moses and the Red Sea, AND every Georgia O’Keefe painting I’ve ever seen do a LOT to remind me of vaginas.

I’m talking about a lot of the stories in the book. Consider the premise. “You have lipstick on your teeth” is apparently something women say to each other in the “powder” room. And, apparently, after they say that, they then talk about their breasts and vaginas.

Turns out there’s a WORLD of vaginal breast talk going on behind closed doors in powder rooms. How do we get into one of those?

Christian: I have no idea but I bet Moses knew how. That guy was a traveler.

Pat:  Speaking of travellers, I’d like to jump right into some of my favorite quotations from the book. Number one goes to Kim Bongiorno (from Let Me Start By Saying) for making me think of travelers--clowns in particular-- when she described her “honey pot” in the following manner:  

“We don’t have uteruses. We have really wet clown cars.”

Revolting, terrifying...and weirdly sexy all in one sentence. Well played, Kim.

Christian: Is that in Revelations?

Pat: Dammit Christian we’re not talking about the Bible anymore. Duh! We’re talking about the lipstick book.

Christian: Oh. Okay gotcha. Another cool aspect of the book (the lipstick book, not the Bible) is that despite the fact that I am a very manly man-dude, I still found it relatable. For example who can’t relate to Allison Hart’s (from Motherhood, WTF?) story of having the CEO of your company walk in on you in the bathroom as you use a tampon to floss out a piece of your very own business card from your own teeth. I mean I can’t. But it makes for a great story.

Pat:  Oh. I can.

Christian:  That’s unfortunate.

Pat:  Yeah. Well, maybe not. Whatever.  

Know what else is unfortunate? Imagine having a conversation with your grandma about playing with yourself. If I understood her story correctly, that is EXACTLY what Angela Shelton (from Angela Shelton) experienced. Consider:

“Well get into the shower with a soapy washcloth and take care of it then.”

“It”, it turns out, is the need to feel satisfied. And the soapy washcloth? That’s the...thing doing the satisfying (penis? hand? handsome cucumber?).

And the speaker? GRANDMA!!!!

THAT’S unfortunate.

Christian: Are you sure? Maybe you're just interpreting it sexually. It could have just been that there was a really tough spot of grime that was achingly hard in between some moist tiles, just begging to be cleansed?

Pat:  Hey man. I’m not one to judge what you and your wife consider “dirty talk”, so...yeah. It could have been that. Sure.

Christian: Our bathroom is very clean.

Pat: And speaking of masturbation, I kinda’ dug Dawn Weber’s (from Lighten Up) story about downloadable apps devoted to full utilization of the “vibrate” ring tone phones so intimately offer. Never knew a device could love you so much!

Christian: That poor phone. They should have added an 11th commandment that said “Thou shalt not seek pleasure from thy telephone devices.” Of course that would have made no sense back then since they hadn’t invented pleasure yet.

So did you only pay attention to the ones about sexual masturbation and vaginal breast talk?

Pat:  Yep. Pretty much. And...I think there were other stories--stories about sisterhood and friendship and commiseration and hardship and bonds and history--but they didn’t stand out to me as profoundly as the stories about boobs and vaginas. I don’t know...maybe they didn’t use enough adjectives.

Christian: And there was that one about how no part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any means without permission..

Pat: was just the copyright. They have those in every book. I don’t think they mean anything.

Christian: Well, I found it riveting.

Pat: So...BIG thanks go to Meredith at Mom of the Year for hooking us up with this fantastic piece of vaginal literature. If we convinced you to look into this book (psst!  clown-car vaginas! what more do you need?!), look for it in hardback, at the Library of Congress, and at places like Amazon...and it’s also available as an e-book.

(Christian, what’s an ‘e-book’?)

Christian: I think it involves electricity and stems from that story in The Bible where Ben Franklin brought light to the last supper with his magical kites. Which by the way is another example of a story from The Bible that makes no mention of vaginas.

If God is serious about making this writing thing a career he needs to take a lesson from these lipstick women and throw in a vagina here and there.

*’Cause it’s the second free thing we’ve ever gotten!!! How cool is that?! Pretty damn cool!

** Or DID he?