Thursday, November 14, 2013

"You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth" Review Extravaganza Bonanza-Palooza

It’s time for another PCPPP book review! As many will recall, a while back we did a review of the book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” which contained a plethora of essays written by women bloggers, about finding the humor in being a mother. Naturally they called on us to do a review.  This time around we’re reviewing “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” which is described as

“...39 (mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women.”

Again, a perfect fit for us. Of course we are assuming that they are trying to break into the macho chainsaw-mechanic type demographic that we are so often associated with. Or more likely… due to our slightly androgynous names they think we are two women. Either way we are super stoked to review the book!*


Our friend Meredith over at Mom of the Year was nice enough to send us a copy for review and once we got it we immediately tore into it. Now we know what you are thinking: “You two macho guys with incredible fashion sense only review books that people ask you to review.” This is not true. We did recently do a review of The Bible and despite all the rumors that are out there, God did not ask us to review it**.

Anyways let’s get to the reviewing...

Christian: First off, I just assumed there would be a lot of pillow fighting ending in kissing in this book but unfortunately not only was there very little of that there was none.

However the very first chapter was about breasts and I was like SOLD!!! Five stars! Let’s wrap this review up!

Pat: Yeah...sorry Christian. No cute pillow fights in this one, but you’re spot on with the breast talk! And lots of vaginas too, just like in the last book. Which is funny. Because I thought it was just us guys who liked to talk about our junk. I didn’t know that women talked about their junk too. Wait. Not that I think it’s junk. I think it’s beautiful. Beautiful junk. Wait. Vaginas...not junk.  

Wait.

I liked the book. There. Can we be done? I’m doing that thing again where I’m saying things that I’m going to have to apologize for later.

Christian: The last book we reviewed? The Bible? I don’t remember there being a lot of vaginas in it. Wait are you talking about the parting of the Red Sea?

Pat:  No. But I think you’re onto something. Moses and the Red Sea, AND every Georgia O’Keefe painting I’ve ever seen do a LOT to remind me of vaginas.

I’m talking about a lot of the stories in the book. Consider the premise. “You have lipstick on your teeth” is apparently something women say to each other in the “powder” room. And, apparently, after they say that, they then talk about their breasts and vaginas.

Turns out there’s a WORLD of vaginal breast talk going on behind closed doors in powder rooms. How do we get into one of those?

Christian: I have no idea but I bet Moses knew how. That guy was a traveler.

Pat:  Speaking of travellers, I’d like to jump right into some of my favorite quotations from the book. Number one goes to Kim Bongiorno (from Let Me Start By Saying) for making me think of travelers--clowns in particular-- when she described her “honey pot” in the following manner:  

“We don’t have uteruses. We have really wet clown cars.”

Revolting, terrifying...and weirdly sexy all in one sentence. Well played, Kim.


Christian: Is that in Revelations?

Pat: Dammit Christian we’re not talking about the Bible anymore. Duh! We’re talking about the lipstick book.

Christian: Oh. Okay gotcha. Another cool aspect of the book (the lipstick book, not the Bible) is that despite the fact that I am a very manly man-dude, I still found it relatable. For example who can’t relate to Allison Hart’s (from Motherhood, WTF?) story of having the CEO of your company walk in on you in the bathroom as you use a tampon to floss out a piece of your very own business card from your own teeth. I mean I can’t. But it makes for a great story.

Pat:  Oh. I can.

Christian:  That’s unfortunate.

Pat:  Yeah. Well, maybe not. Whatever.  

Know what else is unfortunate? Imagine having a conversation with your grandma about playing with yourself. If I understood her story correctly, that is EXACTLY what Angela Shelton (from Angela Shelton) experienced. Consider:

“Well get into the shower with a soapy washcloth and take care of it then.”

“It”, it turns out, is the need to feel satisfied. And the soapy washcloth? That’s the...thing doing the satisfying (penis? hand? handsome cucumber?).

And the speaker? GRANDMA!!!!

THAT’S unfortunate.

Christian: Are you sure? Maybe you're just interpreting it sexually. It could have just been that there was a really tough spot of grime that was achingly hard in between some moist tiles, just begging to be cleansed?

Pat:  Hey man. I’m not one to judge what you and your wife consider “dirty talk”, so...yeah. It could have been that. Sure.

Christian: Our bathroom is very clean.

Pat: And speaking of masturbation, I kinda’ dug Dawn Weber’s (from Lighten Up) story about downloadable apps devoted to full utilization of the “vibrate” ring tone phones so intimately offer. Never knew a device could love you so much!

Christian: That poor phone. They should have added an 11th commandment that said “Thou shalt not seek pleasure from thy telephone devices.” Of course that would have made no sense back then since they hadn’t invented pleasure yet.

So did you only pay attention to the ones about sexual masturbation and vaginal breast talk?

Pat:  Yep. Pretty much. And...I think there were other stories--stories about sisterhood and friendship and commiseration and hardship and bonds and history--but they didn’t stand out to me as profoundly as the stories about boobs and vaginas. I don’t know...maybe they didn’t use enough adjectives.

Christian: And there was that one about how no part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any means without permission..

Pat:  Oh..no...that was just the copyright. They have those in every book. I don’t think they mean anything.

Christian: Well, I found it riveting.

Pat: So...BIG thanks go to Meredith at Mom of the Year for hooking us up with this fantastic piece of vaginal literature. If we convinced you to look into this book (psst!  clown-car vaginas! what more do you need?!), look for it in hardback, at the Library of Congress, and at places like Amazon...and it’s also available as an e-book.

(Christian, what’s an ‘e-book’?)

Christian: I think it involves electricity and stems from that story in The Bible where Ben Franklin brought light to the last supper with his magical kites. Which by the way is another example of a story from The Bible that makes no mention of vaginas.

If God is serious about making this writing thing a career he needs to take a lesson from these lipstick women and throw in a vagina here and there.



*’Cause it’s the second free thing we’ve ever gotten!!! How cool is that?! Pretty damn cool!

** Or DID he?

36 comments:

  1. You got a free vagina? Where? I want one. Dammit, I WANT ONE!

    If you learned how to get a free one from the book, then hey, this book is a must read!

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    1. Now we're not saying this book will get you a free vagina. However we aren't saying it won't either. Wait are you talking about the lipstick book or The Bible?

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    2. Oh I'm talking about the lipstick book. I know how to get a free one using the Bible method. You just tackle a guy, cut a rib out and mix it with some soil. voila!. Trouble with that is you can get a bad rep.

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  2. You can really only call a vagina a clown-car if the woman is giving birth to triplets or greater. Just because they have the capacity to squeeze out eight kids at a time, until they do it, it's not a clown car, just as any car has the potential to be suitable for clowns but until a plethora of clowns climb out of it, it's not a clown car. One clown does not a clown car make, is what Grandma always said. But she also used to try to communicate queefing in Morse Code, so take from it what you will.

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    1. You're wisdom never seizes to amaze me Pickleope. You're like Confucius. But greener.

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  3. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission? Tell that to the clown car vaginas. Those things are UNSTOPPABLE when it comes to reproduction.

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  4. I have to say, this is an incredibly comprehensive review which informed me about boobs and vaginas, and left me confused as to which passages were from the book or the bible. Overall, I'd give your review 9/10. Excellent work.

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    1. Thank you. Your comment was very informative and I learned a lot about our review from it. The pacing of it was spot on and I found the ending very satisfying. I give your comment 5 thumbs up.

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  5. You are so very welcome for the visual. I find the best way to charm my way into a fella's heart is to talk about a massive uterus.

    Thanks for your review of "You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth"!

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  6. Nice review boys! And thanks for providing the visual that the book was lacking. You always come through. Ellen

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  7. Awww. How lovely. Glad you liked it. Though since you didn't mention MY story specifically I might have to have to teeny tiniest little British flounce. Only the teeny tiniest though cos I mostly loved you.

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    1. There were several other stories we wanted to mention but the review was getting too long. Plus we were running out of vagina-bible jokes.

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  8. We love to talk about our junk, too! Clearly. Thank you for the hilarious review.

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  9. Dammit, once again your review contains more boobs and vaginas than the book itself - I think you're trying to write your own anthology, containing all the posts you write reviewing vagina books, in an attempt to publish the most boob-and-vagina-y tome EVER. Well played, fellas. Oh, and thanks for the spiffy review! (Boobie! There, that was a bonus in case you decide to include comments in your anthology - now you're one boobie closer to your goal.)

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    1. That's funny, this is the exact business plan we just took into our bank to apply for a business loan. Boobie indeed!

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  10. Well, I for one am very happy to have provided you some data on cell phone vibrator apps. As you can see, I am full of valuable information. And stuff.
    Srsly, guys - thanks for the great review. So creative - and hilarious. :)

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    1. Thanks! That's the kind of information you just can't learn in those fancy schmancy University of College schools.

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  11. You guys are awesome. I'm sure Moses would have been proud of the write up as well. So, you weren't horrified by what goes on in the Women's Locker Room? Hmmmmm.......

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    1. Moses did like it. He's our editor. Oh wait. I'm talking about that guy named Moses that is always outside 7-11. Not the biblical one.

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  12. Actually, we did have a big naked pillow fight, did each other's lipstick, listened to a lot of Katy Perry and said "Hey, let's write a book!" And then we single-filed into our clown car vagina, drove to a UFC fight and got tattoos of your faces. And if we didn't, WE SHOULD.

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  13. There was some junk talk in that book, too, like the guy who took it out. You probably skipped that story. I liked it. I also liked Dawn's and several others. Come to think of it, I don't think those ones mentioned boobs or vaginas. Does the clown car vagina have a spare? How many can fit in it? Does it run on batteries? Oh...so many questions.

    You guys are funny, and your review was thoroughly entertaining.

    xoRobyn

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    1. I'm sorry I skipped the rest of your comment once you said something about a guy taking his junk out.

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  14. And gentlemen, I am sure your mailboxes will now be bombarded with books begging for reviews. Stand guard. And thank you :)

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    1. We sent some letters to JK Rowling saying that we are pretty much the experts in the modern literally world now and that he should send us all of his future books for review. Especially those about that wizard boy competing in the hungry games.

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  15. Thanks for the great review. Women are so much more open than men, don't you think? And that can be taken two ways.

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  16. I'm pretty sure Ben Franklin's "magical kite" is just a euphemism for a vagina.

    (Now go read Poor Richard's Almanack to find for more! I'll start: "Fish and visitors smell in three days." Am I right?)

    Thanks for the awesome review. You guys rock. Like Moses.
    But with fashion sense.

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  17. That photo is unbelievable. But aside from that, listening to you try to review a woman's book filled with vaginas and boobs and masturbations is quite the ride! I'm not sure if I should laugh or choke or what? I'm sure God (and Moses) would really appreciate how you wove them into your review! LOL

    Hilarious...as usual!

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    1. Thanks. We appreciate you saying it was "quite the ride" but would you say it was a thrilling ride? Like a "thrill ride"? One of our lifetime goals is to be described as a "thrill ride". We've gotten "nice ride" and "donkey ride" but never "thrill ride".

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