Thursday, October 31, 2013

So it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction, you want? Then it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction you'll get! (maybe)

So awhile ago, Christian mentioned that he was working on a little project involving incorporating Jared and the other characters from Subway into some riveting literary narratives. Little did we know that our fan base would EXPLODE with enthusiasm at the mere mention of the mere possibility of the mere idea of something as merely ludicrously amazing as Jared from Subway fan fiction!

So now the easy part...actually writing the first installment of the Jared from Subway fan-fiction.

Pat:  Hey, so I see this as more of a “Hardy Boys” style mystery-adventure series, where Jared wakes up from his seemingly normal life, goes to work to make the sandwiches, and then gets caught up in some customer’s complicated situation. You like that?

Christian:  I do like that but Jared doesn’t really work at Subway in real life does he? I thought he just ate all their sandwiches so they put him on TV.

I’m just concerned that the hard-core Jared from Subway fans might not appreciate us changing anything about the Jared from Subway universe. That might be like writing some Star Wars fan fiction with having Yoda being a landspeeder mechanic instead of a Jedi Master.

But if you think it’s OK I’m cool with it.

Pat: No, I think you have a point there. Scrap the “Hardy Boys” schematic. We’re going “Charlie’s Angels” instead, with Jared popping into his local Subway franchise to receive his daily missive from the agency. The guy making his sandwich is like Bosley. But he NEVER sees the person actually telling him what to do. In that case, I guess it would be the franchise owner.

Think that’s a better way to go?

Christian: Yeah that might work. So Jared would walk in and order, say, a cold cut combo on wheat -  to go - and Bosley would slip his mission instructions into the sandwich? Then once Jared got outside he would wipe off the mustard and everything and learn about his mission.

But sometimes there wouldn’t be a mission in which case Jared would just eat the sandwich but we won’t write about those times.

I also thought it would be cool if at some point Jared had a love affair with Flo from Progressive Insurance. I mean like a super-hot, steamy and torrid love affair. How do you think we could work that in?

Pat:  Is that her name? At first I thought you meant Flo from “Alice”, which I thought was an AWESOME idea, ‘cause everyone loves those crossover TV shows, where stories intersect and characters from one show become part of another show.

I guess it would work with insurance-Flo as well, but she doesn’t really have as cool a tag-line.  “Kiss my grits!” just never gets old!

Besides, insurance-Flo seems so nice. I know Jared looks all milquetoast and safe, but I bet he’s got a secret dirty side to him. A side that only a fire-haired, fire-tongued vixen like “Alice”-Flo could understand and appreciate.

Whatcha’ think?

Christian: Is Alice-Flo even alive? I’m pretty certain our Jared from Subway fan-fiction is going to be huge with the teens, a big money making demographic I might add. I don’t think they are going to be into old Alice-Flo.

Just look at the size of that hat she’s wearing!

Insurance-Flo is who the teens are into today, what with their Insurance-Flo posters and Insurance-Flo bathroom products. Plus something tells me she turns into quite the little vixen when she’s not talking about car insurance rates.

Passion!

But either way I’m picturing Jared from Subway having many different lovers throughout our series so we don’t have to pick just one right now.

But what should be his first mission for our initial installment?

Pat:   Something having to do with pickles! I’ve always felt like pickles could be the center of a great caper!

Christian: Pickles could work. I was thinking more along the lines of stolen nuclear warheads, but I think you’re right. The first installment should be something simple. And then as the series goes along the stakes can slowly increase until eventually Jared from Subway is saving the world by stealing back nuclear warheads from sandwich terrorists.

But for now let’s go with pickles.

How about this; the Subway stores are dangerously low on their pickle inventory and they don’t know why. Therefore they call Jared from Subway into action! He’ll do some investigating, and learn that it’s the evil Quiznos corporation that is stealing Subway’s pickles under the guise of a haunted roller coaster or something. Somewhere along the way he’ll bang Insurance-Flo.

This stuff practically writes itself.

What do you think?

Pat:  NUCLEAR pickles! What could be more erotic than that?!

(Psst! If this blog thing doesn’t pan out, I really think we should pitch the idea of the “nuclear pickle” vibrator to some skeevy porn industry company. Just as a back-up, y’know.)

Christian: I just cashed in my 401k and reserved nuclearpickles.com. Hello early retirement.

28 comments:

  1. YES! MAKE IT PICKLE-CENTRIC YOU MAD GENIUSES! Not that I'm obviously pickle-biased and have a weird obsession with brined vegetables or anything. Somehow I feel like "nuclear pickles" is somehow a breach of my trademark.
    Is Jared still their spokesman? I haven't seen a Subway commercial in years. Jared should investigate why all Subways have that super-weird, ultra-nasty, impenetrable smell.
    What did Flo mean by "Kiss my grits"? Is she implying that her ass is gritty? Or worse, her vagina? Either way, "kiss my grits" is nastier than early censorship realized.

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    1. We were concerned with infringing upon your pickle market with the development of our Nuclear Pickles products. But we told our web development squad to make sure it gets all sorted out on our Nuclear Pickles website. Hopefully they succeeded. Otherwise there is going to be some firings.

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  2. Let me see if I've got this right. Subway Jared was fooling around with some stolen nuclear warheads that were hiddend in Subway sandwiches and he got his pickle nucked? Yuck! I bet he hated that. But Progressive Flo is going to make it all better by playing with his pickle? Works for me.

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    1. If/when we get the book published can we use this as the description on the back cover?

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  3. When you guys launch the Nuclear Pickle vibrator I think Pickleope is the obvious choice for your spokespers- spokespickle. Then you can on the ground floor to start a series of fan fictions about Pickleope's adventures, saving the world with some sort of nuclear pickle omni-tool device. This is a marketing cash cow!

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    1. I think you're right! Should I be opening up multiple bank accounts now?

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  4. I don't know who Subway Jared and Insurance Flo are, but I'm sure they're both very sexy and very deserving of sex with Pickleope.

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    1. How odd. Do they not have sandwiches or insurance in the UK?

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  5. I really have a feeling that Insurance Flo is a dominatrix. Just sayin' Oooh, I know, how about Insurance Flo and Jared have sex (she being in charge, of course) and THEN you find out that Insurance Flo is actually a villain and Jared has to fight her. Kind of like Bat Man and Cat Woman. It'll be so hot.

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    1. I think you are dead on with your take on Insurance-Flo. And I love the idea of her having some kind Cat Woman like persona. Sometimes she'll be helping Jared but other times she'll be working against him. That's because she works for no one but herself. And Progressive Insurance.

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  6. Jared IS dirty, and he DOES have that side to him. When in college and morbidly obese, he rented out his enormous collection of pornos to fellow students for $1. He then used the money to eat at Subway, and managed to lose weight that way. I'm actually not joking about this.

    Jared Fogle totally sold porn

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    1. So he has a sorted past huh? That's perfect for our series! He'll be like one of those superheros with a checkered past that will slowly be revealed over time. There's almost too much material here.

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  7. :-)

    And now, having learned more about Jared than I needed -- thanks a lot, A Beer for the Shower -- I have to go boil my head.

    Pearl

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    1. Just remember not to think about it the next time you order a cold-cut-combo on wheat.

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  8. Sounds like someone has a pink agenda.

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  9. Someone told me the other day that one of her neighbors was dressed as Flo at a Halloween party and I was so excited to hear that Flo still had it after years at Mel's Diner....yes, I was wrong and it was the OTHER Flo! As long as everyone is eating FRESH!

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    1. This Alice-Flo vs. Insurance-Flo debate has been going on since the dawn of time.

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  10. Guys, if you're going to go into the cutthroat world of fanfiction writing, there's one thing you need to learn ... homoerotica is like money in the bank. Seriously, give him a gay love interest and you're home and hosed. Trust me, this is more than ten years of Harry Potter, NCIS, Stargate Atlantis and Glee fanfiction reading speaking here.

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    1. Interesting. Maybe instead of Insurance-Flo as the love interest we'll bring in that "Can you hear me now?" dude.

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  11. All I can say here is, if you don't get on this and start writing this exact fan fiction, then someone else definitely should. This NEEDS to exist in real life! What are you doing on Blogger? Get to writing this fanfiction, people! The world needs more Jared from Subway!

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    1. We know, we know. But since the Jared from Subway universe has such a huge fan base there is a lot of pressure to get it right. That and we're kind of lazy.

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  12. I'd buy a nuclear pickle vibrator. I mean, for a "friend" and to support you guys.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Thank you for your support. Tell you friend-self to sign up for our nuclear pickles news letter which we don't have yet. More info at the website though: www.nuclearpickles.com

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  13. I feel the insurance-Flo bedroom scene would be interesting. She'd find everything about their physical engagement awkward and pause the love-making in order to fire out a few witty jokes or puns. You've got a lot to work with. Also, Jared could be tempted by the dark forces of Quizno's and momentarily change sides until Ronald McDonald comes to the rescue and reminds him of his roots, thereby breaking him from his trance.

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  14. I thought I missed some comedy show but you are talking about ads right? I haven't seen a Subway ad in ages. Are they still in business?

    Your show should be the same length as the ads itself...that should cut down on costs and writing.

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