The other day while listening to a solicitor who had come to my door trying to gather signatures and donations to help make our environment smaller or something - I really wasn’t paying attention - I couldn’t help but think to myself “What would be the best super power to have?”As he went on about wanting to decrease wildlife habitats and maybe something about the importance of keeping our lake and stream water from being contaminated by wildlife, I was thinking “Flying? Super strength? Telekinesis?”
So I finally said “Yes. Thank you. I am thirsty.” and took the signature notebook and pen that for some reason he had kept trying to give to me, slammed the door shut, got myself a glass of water and started writing out this post in my new notebook with the nice pen that he had just given me.
So Pat, if you could have any superpower what would it be?
Pat: The ability to solicit anything from anybody at any time? How does that sound? Good? Yes, I thought so too (and I knew YOU thought so).
No...I’ve thought about this a lot, probably more than is really appropriate given my age and esteemed position in society. Human mood ring. You?
Christian: Human mood ring? What the hell is that? The ability to tell if someone is sad or happy or hungry? You can’t already do that?
Pat: Not as well as I’d like to be able to (if my current relationship with my spouse is any indicator. Do you hear me husbands? Am I right?)! I actually even conceptualized an outfit for myself. It’d be woven from organic cotton of the highest thread count to ensure a form-fitting flexibility. No dyes, either. All natural! Whaddya’ think?
Christian: You mean something like this guy?
Pat: No. Not like him at all. His teeth are too terrifying, and that finger pointing is just abrasive. I would use my super power to make people feel more at ease, more comfortable. Perhaps something more like this:
...only the jeans and vest would be more of a neutral off-white. And I’m not sure about the headband. Can you dig it?
Christian: Well, good luck fighting crime with that.
If I could choose any super power I think I would go with the ability to heal quickly and not age, like Wolverine. Or maybe the ability to summon stuff. Like a taco. No, no, ability to heal and not age.
It would be like I was immortal. No need to worry about eating healthy or any crap like that since my body will always cure itself of anything bad. It would be sweet.
Although I must say the ability to fly would be pretty tempting, but I’ll stick with my ability to no longer need to take good care of my body. I think that’s the way to go.
You want to change yours now don’t you?
Pat: No, not at all. I already perfected that super power. It was in my twenties. I kept up running, but it was really just to fend off the ill-effects of all of the crappy food I’d been eating and the alcohol I’d been swilling. And it wasn’t really working, and I think that’s when “cholesterol” entered my vocabulary. Been there, done that.
I’m sticking with hippy-mood man. He’s innovative and unconventional. And he gives AMAZING hugs! The kind you don’t want to end.
It’s like he can melt evil with his hugs.
Damn, this keeps getting better!
Christian: When I asked you which superpower you wanted were you thinking along the lines that you would use this power to fight crime and save people from impending doom or were you thinking more about what superpower to have while you continue to live the normal life you are living now?
Pat: Think outside the existing paradigm, Christian! (by the way...that’s the kind of line Hippy-Mood Man would throw out at felons and nogoodniks to foil their evil intentions. And then he would hug them!) Imagine what would happen if the world were full of superheroes who lived each day without EXPECTING people to do dastardly things? Ever think about that? Maybe, just maybe, if that were the case, then superheroes and supervillains WOULD be able to live normal lives.
I’m assuming I have completely lost your respect at this point. Sorry...I can choose x-ray vision if that makes it easier for you (by the way, that sort of compromise is EXACTLY the kind of thing Hippy-Mood Man would do to ease the tension in a hostile situation).
Need a hug?
Christian: No thanks. Maybe an aspirin though.
So in recap. If the two of us were given our choice of super powers, I would have the ability to no longer need to work out or eat healthy and you would be a human mood ring. Pretty awesome.
Look out crime!