Thursday, June 21, 2012

Which Super Power?

The other day while listening to a solicitor who had come to my door trying to gather signatures and donations to help make our environment smaller or something - I really wasn’t paying attention - I couldn’t help but think to myself “What would be the best super power to have?”

As he went on about wanting to decrease wildlife habitats and maybe something about the importance of keeping our lake and stream water from being contaminated by wildlife, I was thinking “Flying? Super strength? Telekinesis?”

So I finally said “Yes. Thank you. I am thirsty.” and took the signature notebook and pen that for some reason he had kept trying to give to me, slammed the door shut, got myself a glass of water and started writing out this post in my new notebook with the nice pen that he had just given me.

So Pat, if you could have any superpower what would it be?

Pat:  The ability to solicit anything from anybody at any time? How does that sound? Good? Yes, I thought so too (and I knew YOU thought so).

No...I’ve thought about this a lot, probably more than is really appropriate given my age and esteemed position in society. Human mood ring. You?

Christian:  Human mood ring? What the hell is that? The ability to tell if someone is sad or happy or hungry? You can’t already do that?

Pat:  Not as well as I’d like to be able to (if my current relationship with my spouse is any indicator. Do you hear me husbands? Am I right?)! I actually even conceptualized an outfit for myself. It’d be woven from organic cotton of the highest thread count to ensure a form-fitting flexibility. No dyes, either. All natural! Whaddya’ think?

Christian: You mean something like this guy?

  
To the rescue!

Pat:  No. Not like him at all. His teeth are too terrifying, and that finger pointing is just abrasive. I would use my super power to make people feel more at ease, more comfortable. Perhaps something more like this:





...only the jeans and vest would be more of a neutral off-white. And I’m not sure about the headband. Can you dig it?

Christian: Well, good luck fighting crime with that.  

If I could choose any super power I think I would go with the ability to heal quickly and not age, like Wolverine. Or maybe the ability to summon stuff. Like a taco. No, no, ability to heal and not age.

It would be like I was immortal. No need to worry about eating healthy or any crap like that since my body will always cure itself of anything bad. It would be sweet.

Although I must say the ability to fly would be pretty tempting, but I’ll stick with my ability to no longer need to take good care of my body. I think that’s the way to go.

You want to change yours now don’t you?

Pat:  No, not at all. I already perfected that super power. It was in my twenties. I kept up running, but it was really just to fend off the ill-effects of all of the crappy food I’d been eating and the alcohol I’d been swilling. And it wasn’t really working, and I think that’s when “cholesterol” entered my vocabulary. Been there, done that.

I’m sticking with hippy-mood man. He’s innovative and unconventional. And he gives AMAZING hugs! The kind you don’t want to end.

It’s like he can melt evil with his hugs.

Damn, this keeps getting better!

Christian: When I asked you which superpower you wanted were you thinking along the lines that you would use this power to fight crime and save people from impending doom or were you thinking more about what superpower to have while you continue to live the normal life you are living now?

Pat:  Think outside the existing paradigm, Christian! (by the way...that’s the kind of line Hippy-Mood Man would throw out at felons and nogoodniks to foil their evil intentions. And then he would hug them!)  Imagine what would happen if the world were full of superheroes who lived each day without EXPECTING people to do dastardly things? Ever think about that? Maybe, just maybe, if that were the case, then superheroes and supervillains WOULD be able to live normal lives.

I’m assuming I have completely lost your respect at this point. Sorry...I can choose x-ray vision if that makes it easier for you (by the way, that sort of compromise is EXACTLY the kind of thing Hippy-Mood Man would do to ease the tension in a hostile situation).

Need a hug?

Christian: No thanks. Maybe an aspirin though.

So in recap. If the two of us were given our choice of super powers, I would have the ability to no longer need to work out or eat healthy and you would be a human mood ring. Pretty awesome.

Look out crime!

32 comments:

  1. I'd like to be invisible, but I don't want to fight crime. Or be hugged by a hippy, even an awesome one. (sorry Pat)

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    1. Ah yes invisibility. I actually have been thinking about doing an entire post just on it. I don't think it's a good choice because you can only do no good with invisibility. Like spy and and eavesdrop and stuff. So what were you planning on doing with this power? Hmmm. Case closed.

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    2. Nuh-uh. I could eavesdrop and spy *for good*. Remember a little thing called the Patriot Act, hmmmm??

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    3. But you said you didn't want to fight crime? Who would you be eavesdropping and spying on then? Case re-closed.

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    4. Oh. Yeah.

      Maybe logic should be your superpower?

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    5. See, Tumbleweed and Christian...y'know what you need to settle this angry dispute? A hug!

      And...I win (but feel no need to gloat about it...that's not what hippy mood man is about).

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    6. Come at me with a hug, hippy, and I'll take you down. (and then bake you a cake because I'd feel bad about it.)

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    7. Baking a cake because you feel bad is exactly what Human Hippy Mood Ring man wants you to do. Don't fall for it!

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  2. I would choose healing anyone (including myself) though I would like to age some and eventually die (seriously, seeing a bunch of sick people all the time would get old, so I should too).

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    1. That's why you vacation where all the healthy people are. Problem solved.

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  3. I'm pretty sure that just from the sole fact that Pat wants his super hero outfit to be off-white tells me that his goal is to be left alone and his super power will help achieve that. The cleaning bills for an active super hero with an all-off-white costume would be huge. That's a color chosen by someone who's not going to get his hands dirty, which is ironic because he'd be a dirty hippy.

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    1. Yeah I think it' pretty clear Pat hasn't thought this through enough.

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    2. Not so! Thought it through a whole bunch. My suit is made of a magical "karmic-teflon", and deflects any tarnish.

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  4. I'm having trouble envisioning a world in which I would want a never ending hug. Even from Pat dressed up as Yeti/Hippy.

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    1. Have you ever had a hug from a super yeti? They are to die for.

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  5. All I want is to fly. Actually, I already do fly. It my dreams - but it's so real that I know exactly what it's like. So there!

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    1. Nice! You're lucky. In my dreams I can't even run. Anytime I'm being chased in a dream I'm constantly falling down. Which probably isn't a good super hero trait.

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  6. If wanting to live in a world where crime is stopped by a human mood wrong is wrong...I don't want to be right...

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    1. Well when you put it that way it makes me think that maybe Pat is onto something. Or at least on something. It's usually hard to tell the difference.

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    2. Whoa! I had to read that about seven times before I understood it. Now THAT is a cool superpower-- confusing wordsmithery!

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  7. although i would love to see Wolverine tear through a dirty hippy i lean towards pat's superpower choice. mine would be more specific, though - i want to know who will appreciate my sense of humor and more importantly, who will not...if i could spend the time i spend explaining and arguing over things which i feel should not have been found offensive on good deeds?? my philanthropy would rival Bill Gates... and 'nogoodniks'? should be in the dictionary!

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  8. I think dirty old hippy's power to change his power to facilitate a peace treaty makes him the most powerful superhero of all. I would argue Pat won this round.

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    1. Oh yeah sure if world peace is your goal. But with my super power you don't have to exercise.

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  9. You may recall that my super power is the ability to revoke potty training at will for embarrassment purposes, but I think that only works on the people I've personally potty trained. For the rest of the population, I choose invisibility. Theirs, not mine. Because I'm sick of lookin' at 'em.

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    1. That's is awesome. Yes, the ability to make others invisible would be a great power to have. Especially when you are at work. Or when you are on the bus. Or really in public anywhere. OK, all the time.

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    2. You guys, I totally have that super power. All it took was moving to the middle of nowhere. And actually, it only works in the winter time, when we don't have any campers here. During the summer months, when group after group of very-visible people rolls through here, I turn it off so I can do my job.

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    3. Trina, just be sure to only harness that power for good and not evil. Unless you are getting even with some jerk that wronged you. Then by all means evil it up.

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  10. Just wanted to let everyone know that I really honor and appreciate the civil discourse that's going on around this topic. Very cool, people. Very cool.

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  11. As a recovering X-Men comic reader, I (embarrassingly) have a ready made answer for this question. I'd want Jane Grey's powers which include Telekinesis and Telepathy. I think it would be the most useful in every day life, since I could pour myself a glass of wine without moving and mindtrick the wine sellers into giving me cases for free anytime I like. And she can fly (thanks to the telekinesis) so I'd save a ton on travel. Only trouble is the aging... but I could trick everyone into believing I was young and ravishing...

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    1. I think we may have a winner hear. I now want to change my answer to a telekinesis telepathy combo.

      I'm also wondering if I had telepathy, if I could use it on myself to convince myself that I wasn't aging. Problem solved.

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