Thursday, October 24, 2013

Death Planning

“Los muertos”, I believe, is Russian for “I’m going to be dying soon, I should plan”. Well, we may not all be dying soon but according to everyone who sees me eat, I need to start planning for it here pretty soon.

Not plan how I’m going to die - we already talked about how I would prefer to die from an asteroid taking out the entire Earth so I won’t miss out on anything after I’m gone, but Pat pooh-poohed that idea claiming it was selfish of me to want to take down the entire human population with me.

No, the planning I would like to talk about is the plan for my body after it dies. Apparently if I don’t write down what I want done with it on my napkin-will then it’s going to be up to my loved ones to decide. And who can trust them?

Now ideally I would choose not to die. I’m one of those pro-lifer types that would prefer to abort death and live forever. But until they have a cure for dead I should probably make a decision. Of course there is the option of having my body, or just my head, frozen but I don’t trust any of those companies. What happens to my body/head if they go bankrupt? Does the bank now own my body/head? I don’t want a bank owning my body/head.

I think science has been able to freeze and then revive mice and burritos, but until one of those companies prove that they can reanimate a human, after being dead for several years, the only way they’re getting any of my money is by pulling it out of my cold dead hands. Or my cold dead teeth if I’m just a head at that point.

It worked for this guy.

That kind of just leaves either burial or cremation. They both sound so exciting I just can’t decide.

Pat, you appear responsible. Have you made this decision?

Pat: I’ve always been really impressed by cats when it comes to dying. They just look at you one last time, maybe to say “thanks” or “eat me!”, and then they just hobble into the hedge or trees or garage and die and become skin and bones, only to be found later on by little kids who can reassemble their remains for elementary school science projects.

So noble.

That’s kind of my plan as of right now.

Christian: But not only are you counting on knowing exactly when you are going to die, you are also assuming you’ll have the strength and ability to crawl into some hedges somewhere. I hate to burst your death bubble but I don’t think this cat-like dying plan of yours is going to work. Either way someone is going to find your body and then they’ll have to decide what to do with it.

What do you want them to do with your body?

Pat: I’m fine with waiting a bit. You’re right...I might hobble off to the hedge and realize that I’m not quite ready to die. I’ve thought of that already. If that’s the case, I’ll just lie down and wait. Seems pleasant enough.

If, alternatively, I don’t have enough energy to hobble, well ,then...I’ll just die right there. Yeah, it’ll be hard for the loved ones nearby, but easy enough for me.

And I don’t care what they do with my body. I don’t think I’ll know, either way. Wait!  Do you know something I don’t know?

Christian: Yes lots of things. But are you sure you’re OK with trusting your loved ones to do whatever they please to your defenseless body?

I’m torn. If I decide not to be buried then what if there is a zombie apocalypse that turns the dead into walking cannibals? I know what you’re thinking - that doesn’t sound good - so let me finish, dammit! You turn into the walking dead but what if they then find a cure for walking deadness which turns you alive again. Voila! You’re livin' large! Again! If I am to be cremated I would miss out on this golden opportunity.

But on the other hand if a zombie apocalypse never happens I’m not too sure how I feel about spending eternity in a box underground. In that case I guess I might prefer to be cremated and have my ashes spread out across some mighty forest and have myself become the trees or something. But now that I think about it, I guess in that case I would prefer to be spread out onto some young virile man so that I could become a young virile man. Again!

Have you not taken these issues into consideration?

Pat:  Oh, I have. Maybe not the zombie situation. At least not to the depth that you obviously thought about it. But I have.

I think you’re placing a lot of emphasis on the value of staying alive. That’s good and all, and I certainly understand why you would do so.

But I think at a certain point I’ll just find myself really...tired. And, you know, with not much to do. Crosswords are good and all, but if they’re the only thing you look forward to when you wake up, then I don’t know if waking up is all it’s cracked up to be.

Maybe if my life could be prolonged indefinitely at my current age. 41 ain’t half bad, y’know, and I could go on like this for at least another…well...41 years, I guess, since that’s the only frame of reference for time-on-earth that I have.

Oh...I’ve gone and gotten myself confused again.

Christian: Me too. To be honest that has been no help. I’m starting to think there’s no winning at this death thing.

Do any of our dearest cherished readers have some advice for me?

31 comments:

  1. Okay, here's my advice: have a heart attack at the precipice of a rousing speech, then, right before you actually die, get flash-frozen until they find a cure for heart attacks and death then they can revive you. Here's the key detail, though, leave an orifice accessible and allow necrophiliacs to have their way with you. That way you're doing something noble in your suspended animation, not just being a popsicle. You'd be saving the rectums and mouths of dead people who are somehow against the idea of having their corpse violated. You're welcome.

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  2. If all goes according to plan I'm having my body turned into a super frozen popsicle. Hopefully sometime in the future they'll thaw me up, make me young again so I can keep reading your blog. Oops...well anyway, read somebody's blog. Do you guys have any suggestions? I don't want to wake up a hundred years from now with nothing to read.

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    1. You think people will still know how to read in 100 years?

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    2. No I don't think the people who are buried or cremated will be able to read in 100 years.

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  3. I've been planning for Death since the day I was born. If Death comes round my house to try and take me, I'll simply kick him in the nuts and run away, and that will be the end of it.

    Yes, I have thought this plan through and yes, this is the best possible outcome for all parties involved (excluding Death's future children, but if he's not had any by now then he's probably infertile anyway).

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  4. Once I get too old, I want to die in the most badass way possible. So that when people ask that stupid, obvious question, "Awww, how did he die?" (You know, at age 85) my grandchildren can say, "Grandpa rolled his Vette at 150 mph."

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    1. "Grandpa drowned while saving orphans from a burning ship"

      I like it. Now the hard part of finding some drowning orphans.

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  5. I want to be buried under an apple orchard. I want my nutrients to flow up the trees and into the luscious fruit. I want the apple pickers to grab hold of my life force. I want people to eat the apples. I want to be inside people. I want to be inside everyone. I want to be inside you. Er, I mean I'd be fine with cremation.

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    1. You might be on to something here. Or on something. Either way I wouldn't mind being inside an apple pie right about now.

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  6. Good ideas, all.

    My sister and I plan on dragging chairs out onto the ice just outside an ice-fishing house, getting quite drunk, and then trying to freeze in a "RAWR" kind of position. A little sumpin' for the guys in the morning.

    I hear freezing to death is actually quite comfortable.

    Pearl

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    1. Oooh I like that. I mean that I like that from the guy's point of view.

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  7. I am with you on the asteroid thing or living forever. Other than that, my loved ones can do what they want with the body, I will be dead, what will I care?

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    1. But can trusted loved ones truly be trusted? And thanks for a vote in favor of the asteroid scenario. I haven't gotten much support on that one.

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  8. I am currently reading the "Top 5 regrets of the dying" - and i think i'd like to go out in a big bang...none of that nursing at home stuff. No thank you - now excuse me I need to cry and curl up in a ball.

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    1. Is one of the regrets not being careful about where your body ends up? I'm guessing it nurmero uno.

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  9. I saw a Japanese anime once where this company offered luxury "burials" where they launched people's loved ones into space... But then the rockets got destroyed by all the space garbage mankind left in Earth's orbit and the coffins just floated in the upper atmosphere... Then the spirits of all the dead came back as giant battle robots (I'm not really sure how or why).

    All-in-all, I think that's how I'd like things to turn out for me.

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  10. I don't think I'd want to go out in an asteroid explosion. I plan on coming back as a ghost, and I don't think it'd be very fun to haunt a floating pile of rubble in space.

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    1. Excellent point. But on the other hand just think about all the peace and quite there would be. Haunting it would be a piece of cake.

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  11. How are you guys missing the obvious? The Smithsonian will of course snatch you both up to mummify you as astounding specimens of blogging acumen to preserve you for future generations. You've got nothing to figure out.

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    1. Well that's a relief. Thanks. I added "See Smithsonian" to the section of my napkin-will that says what to do with my body.

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  12. I laughed so hard when you said you wanted to die like a cat. You realize all the cat-hater/dog-lover people are going to find this and take offense? I am a cat lover so you are in luck. They are noble dyers. Diers? Whatever. Die like a cat.

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  13. I'd like to be hidden in a parking deck foundation and have my whereabouts be a decades long mystery a la Jimmy Hoffa.

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    1. You always have the perfect solutions to all of our problems Carrie. You should become a life coach. And obviously an after-life coach too.

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  14. I'd like to be spread over a young, virile man, too...but preferably while I'm still alive :)

    But really, I think I want to be turned into one of those diamonds that they make out of people's ashes. Then no one can ever say I was worthless again!

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    1. You can be made into a diamond? Is this also true for deceased pets? Dammit I could have made a fortune.

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