Thursday, February 14, 2013

It's the End of The World As We Know It, and I'm Down With That

Who’s excited about death? No one, that’s who. It’s a major downer. No one likes to think about or really even discuss it, which now that I think about it, probably makes for a very poor blog post topic. Oh well, that’s never stopped us before.

For me the big bummer about dying is all the stuff I’m going to be missing out on as the world continues on without me. Family and friends going on with their lives, amazing new technologies being invented, new variations of Aquafresh toothpaste being released. I could on and on.  

A common philosophical questions that is asked is “If you could choose, how would choose to die?” For me it’s easy. I would choose to die from the Earth being destroyed by a runaway asteroid. Why? Because there is something comforting about knowing that everyone else would die too so not only do I not need to worry about all my love ones grieving over me, but I’m also not going to miss out on exciting new Aquafresh advancements. Win-win.

 
Comforting.

So Pat, is it selfish of me to want the entire world to be destroyed if I were to die?

Pat:  Umm...yes. Entirely. Completely. You selfish son of a bitch.

Me? I was content to simply have a plaque placed in my honor near a vista somewhere atop a mountain.

You kinda’ obliterated that idea, yeah?

Christian: Oh don’t get me wrong. A plaque is nice. And if knowing you are going to get a plaque makes it easier for you to accept the end of your entire existence then more power to you.

But be honest. If you knew you were going to die in a year wouldn’t you find it a little more comforting and easier to accept if it was because the Earth was about to be obliterated?

Pat:   Umm...still no. Because then it wouldn’t be about ME, it would be about US. And when I die, I want YOU to be sad because you are going to miss ME.

In your scenario, there is absolutely no room for self-serving sympathy. Instead we would all be fighting about who should have more sympathy directed towards them...a sort of sympathy battle royalé. And no one would win, ‘cause we’d all be dying.

So...given that my death is all about the sadness and distress everyone else will be in after my departure from earth, I have to say that I want all of the attention to myself, and I do not want to share it with an earth shattering asteroid.

Christian: OK, who's being selfish now? Sounds like you want all the attention and everyone else to feel bad while they fawn all over you because you are going to die. In my scenario everyone gets to feel terrible for everybody. Much better.

Plus to be honest, if I knew I only had a little bit of time left to live I think I would hate getting all that sympathy. Not to mention everyone walking on eggshells around you trying to not to discuss what’s going to happen on the next season of Mad Men or say something like “I’m dying for a cheeseburger” or speculate on what the next round of Aquafresh improvements are going to be. Who wants that?

In my scenario everyone is equal and in the same boat. The same sinking boat. So maybe choosing to have an asteroid from deep space on a collision course with Earth isn’t so selfish after all?

Artist's rendering.

Pat:   I hated that game. Once you used the thrusters you were screwed. Couldn’t stop moving. Damn anti-gravity! And in real life my spaceship would be way cooler than an arrow.

I’ll take the sympathy and eggshells. Hands down.

Christian: OK, how about this; If we go with the asteroid demolishing Earth scenario we’ll make sure everyone that wants it can have one weekend where everyone else mourns them and they don’t have to mourn anyone else. That way you can have a full weekend of nothing but people being sad for you and walking on eggshells. We’ll even make your’s a three-day weekend. How’s that sound?

Pat:  Are you really going to try to organize that? Remember when we used to struggle to get six people to agree what to do on a Friday night, or even what to order on the pizza after we realized that we weren’t going to do ANYTHING?  

Don’t forget the inhibiting power of human indecision. I’ll choose a sudden, untimely and unmourned death, thank you.

Christian: Fine. Have it your way, but if you think I’m not going to talk about future Aquafresh improvements just because you’re dying you are going to be bummed.

46 comments:

  1. I know how I will die for sure, accidental suicide. As I already slit my wrist and stabbed myself this week...all accidental! Any way I am with Pat on this, but I am also afraid on missing out on new things so I will become a highlander!BOOM!

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    1. I would definitely choose the highlander option if it was presented to me.

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    2. I didn't realize Highlandering was a choice. That kinda' forces me to re-evaluate my life plan just a bit. How, pray tell, does on inquire?

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  2. I'm with Christian. I can't even stand the sympathy I get when I have an upset stomach or a splinter in the my finger. The sympathy of dying is probably worse than actual death.

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    1. Oh, I totally agree! I can't stand sympathy, and I often refute it when offered. Which is exactly why I want TONS of sympathy upon my death. It's kinda' like cashing in on a lifetime IOU of sympathy!

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  3. I have the perfect solution to both arguments. Aim to be the one actually responsible for destroying the Earth. That way everybody dies AND their last thought will be about you. True, they'll probably all be hating you but, at least you'll get all the attention.

    Now there's a win-win scenario if there ever was.

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    1. Vinny C you are a genius! I have a lot of planning to do now.

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    2. Vinny didn't have enough hugs when he was little. Just a guess. Vinny...want a hug? I'm pretty good at 'em.

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  4. I like Vinny C's plan. All the best supervillains try to destroy the world, so maybe there are more people with Christian's philosophy than one might think?

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    1. Not cool, kids, not cool at all. That's like the polar opposite of the Environmental Club at school which, ironically, is trying it's best to preserve all things polar.

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  5. I don't know. I think I like the asteroid demolishing the earth idea. Quick. Painless. Unexpected. Everyone goes. No sadness or crying or sympathy. I hope that doesn't make ME a selfish bitch. Oh, well. Wouldn't be the first time.

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    1. Yeah the quick and painless (hopefully) part is the frosting on the cake.

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    2. i read "painless" as pantless. And I was all "Hell yeah, I want to die pantsless." but only if it was the good kind of dying pantless.

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    3. All I know is that the second I hear that the Earth is about to be destroyed by an asteroid my pants are coming off.

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    4. Pantless IS painless. That's what my mom always used to tell me.

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  6. Well as much as I like the earth asteroid idea, I think it would be a bit terrifying those last couple of days. I'd prefer to die in my sleep thank you very much...about 12 days before the Earth is destroyed. That way, I can die peacefully and painlessly and then the rest of the world will join me in heaven in less than two weeks. The only way this would work though is if I knew there was an asteroid coming so I could have the peace about meeting all my family soon in the after-life. But then, no one else on Earth could know because I wouldn't want to die in the middle of all the panic and mayhem.

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    1. I like this plan. But I bet those NASA drunkards would ruin it.

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  7. I don't like the asteroid idea, because when I come back as a ghost, who the heck am I supposed to haunt??

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    1. This is an excellent point that I hadn't considered. I know it's not the same but I guess you could go haunt some alien planet. (Mental note: pitch movie idea about an alien ghost to Hollywood this weekend)

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    2. Does no one else see the screaming potential for...

      SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE GHOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSST!?

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  8. Oh god just this kind of talking and thinking is giving me a pit in my stomach.....

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  9. I hope I die by choking on poisoned Aquafresh. That way I get all the attention, AND Aquafresh goes out of business, so I don't have to miss their re-release of New Improved Cinnamon Berry Blast Minty-riffic Tartar Control formula (now with the extra whitening power of bleach).

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    1. You are totally one of those people that gets three wishes and then wishes for another three wishes with the last wish, aren't you? Super smart lady thinking around all of the angles! This is the perfect plan.

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    2. Robyn, Cinnamon Berry Blast Minty-riffic with Tarter Control formula?!?!? I heard that the Cinnamon Berry Blast Minty-riffic wasn't going to have any tartar control. Where are you getting your information? I may need to find a new source.

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  10. I didn't read this post, but I for one welcome our new asteroid overlord.

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    1. Ah yes, often our words are even more powerful when unread. Actually, that's probably true most of the time.

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    2. Asteroid Overlord? Reminds me of that game-hog Dwayne at the pizza joint who used to kick my butt at Asteroids at the arcade, but only 'cuz he'd been skipping school since 1978 and had focused all of his potential on digital lording!

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    3. Interesting.

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  11. I have absolutely no intention of missing out on things once I'm dead. I intend to come back as a ghost. I'm thinking haunting the internet is my best bet, pretty much everything I want is on there. I'll be the ghost in the machine!

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    1. This is the best idea...I mean it's practically what I do now and I am alive.

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    2. I agree withe Lillian. This is a fantastic plan. Makes me kind of rethink wanting to have the whole world destroyed by an asteroid.

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  12. I wonder if the dinosaurs argued about this and then when the meteor came some of them had a good laugh right before impact.

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    1. I like to think that the dinosaurs laughed about a lot of things.

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    2. Hah ha..."dinosaurs"! Silly...like those existed.

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  13. It never occurred to me that there would be new aquafresh flavors and fancy toothpaste improvements after I die. That opens up an entirely new anxiety to obsess over...thanks a lot, guys!

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    1. And let us not forget about new marshmallow shapes that will be added to Lucky Charms after we are gone.

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    2. Think Veggie Pebbles will ever take up next to its brethren Fruity and Cocoa?

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  14. Pat, I'm with you on this one. I want people to be sad that I am dying and to finally admit how hard it is to be me and stuff. But no hugging please.

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    1. If you are the only one dying I think it's going to be hard to avoid being hugged. The asteroid is looking a little bit better now isn't it?

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  15. If for no other reason, Christian's got this on the basis that no one should ever have to feel bad speculating about the next season of Mad Men. God-given right. Pat, I'm shocked that you would even entertain this possibility.

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    1. I don't want to soil Pat's internet reputation any further but I don't think Pat watches Mad Men.

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  16. I once dated a dumbass who asked me what I do if there was a nuclear bomb about to hit my town. I said I die, duh. He said he didn't respect that answer because I didn't try and survive, jump in the bay and start swimming... Survive a nuclear bomb to my head??? Idiot.

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