I know the title of this post makes it sound like I’m going to talk about some totally awesome B-grade movie about two giant radioactive doughnuts that battle it out in some Japanese metropolis while destroying everything in sight until a super cool giant silver robot that is formed by the powers of five teenage samurais flies into the scene shooting lasers out of it’s hands while yelling “POWER OF THE SAMURAIS GO FORTH!!!” causing a barrage of lasers and lightning to fall from the sky destroying the radioactive donuts in an explosion of maple icing and different colored sprinkles, but I’m not.
No, this post is about the spelling of the word doughnuts. Should it be “doughnuts” or “donuts”? Pat?
Pat: Easy. “Doughnuts”. Done. Next topic?
Christian: Whoa slow down there premature-Patty. Why go with “doughnuts”? I know it’s the more traditional way of spelling it but we live in modern and hip times nowadays. It’s 2013. We have iPhones, HD TVs, and Tide has reached a level of stain fighting power that we never before dreamed imaginable.
Don’t you think “donuts” is a more 21st Century, and better, way of spelling it?
Pat: Yes, if the 21st century is to be defined by a dumbed-down illiterati! Are you trying to prove the magnificent film, “Idiocracy”, a historical documentary as opposed to the brilliant satire that it is?
Want to know how all this got started? The moment they started selling donuts at kwik-marts.
Just spell the entire goddamned word!
Hey, by the way, how are you doing? Did you have a nice day?
Christian: My day has been fine. Other than the fact that I fell off the wagon with regards to drinking scotch through straws I made out of Red Vines. It’s the straws made out of Red Vines part that I’m trying to quit so as you can imagine it’s been a very difficult time for me.
But you know what makes having to drink scotch through regular straws more bearable? Spelling “donuts” the easy way. There’s just no misspelling it when it’s that easy. It’s spelled just like it sounds. Do - nuts. You don’t call them do - ugh! - nuts.
Plus I don’t know if you have noticed but the spell checker robot - who will one day wipe out mankind from the earth using spell checking lasers - totally accepts both spellings. So both must be right. So if both are right why not go with the easier and better one? Carpe Diem.
Pat: Fine, then. As my homeboys* in Sublime would say, “f@#k it fight it, it’s all the same!” Spell it however you want. Just don’t blame me when our future president is asking you for their “voat” to “leed” you into the next “aira” of “uhmairican” progress. Damn...it was really hard figuring out how to spell those words incorrectly. Maybe you’re onto something.
*Just to be clear, the homeboys in Sublime would have totally kicked my ass in high school. Repeatedly. And I don’t think they swore with symbols. They used REAL swear words. That’s badass.
Christian: Hey I’m all for easier spelling. If words were spelled just as they sounded then maybe we wouldn’t have such a bad illiteracy problem in this country. I didn’t realize you were so pro-illiteracy. To be honest I find that quite shocking considering you’re a teacher.
Pat: No! Stop! You’re doing that weird vulcan twisto-logic thing. Stop it!
You have to stop trying to win the argument by distorting my words and making me think I’m an idiot. It works too well, and it kinda’ ruins my day.
Christian: OK, fine. We won’t debate whether or not you are for or against illiteracy. We’ll just agree the jury is still out on that one. But back to spelling donuts. Or doughnuts. Besides holding on to past outdated standards what’s the advantage of going with “doughnuts”?
Pat: Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but I believe what makes the nut is “DOUGH” and not “do”, so, umm, I guess I’m just one for accuracy.
‘Course, that argument gets skewed the moment you bring up hamburgers, so don’t bring them up, please.
Christian: OK, but exactly what part of the dough-nut is made of nuts then?
Pat: Quit trying to change the subject!
Umm...you’ve kinda’ got me on that one, though. Dammit. Fine. Call it a donut.
It’s too much work upholding civilization through grammar.
Christian: OK, cool. But now that I got you to agree that “donuts” is better than “doughnuts” what I really think they should be called are “hand cakes”. Because that’s really what they are.
Imagine if you had never seen a donut in your life and someone said “Hey would you like a donut?” You’d be like “Whaaaat? A donut? What the hell is that, jerkwad?”
But if someone said “Hey would you like a hand cake?” you’d be like “A cake I can fit in my hand?!?!?! YES PLEASE!!!”
What do you think?
Pat: Do you normally deep fry your cakes? I think that might be a key feature. Not sure, but I think so. How about “fryballs”? Or “doughrings”?
Christian: Not all donuts are fried are they? Anyways, to show you that I am able to compromise, why don’t we just go with “fried hand balls”? Sound good?
Pat: Nope. Not ready to compromise. And, yes, I am aware that many of our loyal followers are probably reading this slackjawed at the moment because they are so used to me being the more moderate, compromising and balanced member of the team. Well...to be perfectly honest, I was ready to concede until you hinted at the silly notion that not all DOUGHNUTS (oh yes I did!) are fried. Your utter lack of knowledge regarding that oh-so-crucial component of the fried-dough delicacy not only makes me want to continue this argument, it makes me want to go back a rescind my concession on your lazy spelling.
To quote my favorite movie villain: You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, little twerp? No, you had to push it. Well, now you're gonna pay!
It’s (back) on!
Christian: OK, I googled it and you’re right, all donuts are fried even the cake ones. Science is an amazing thing. You know what else is amazing? Fried hand balls.
But as for donuts vs. doughnuts, I guess we’ll just have to leave it up to our attractive and well styled, dearest cherished readers to decide. Which is it? Donuts or doughnuts?