I know the title of this post makes it sound like I’m going to talk about some totally awesome B-grade movie about two giant radioactive doughnuts that battle it out in some Japanese metropolis while destroying everything in sight until a super cool giant silver robot that is formed by the powers of five teenage samurais flies into the scene shooting lasers out of it’s hands while yelling “POWER OF THE SAMURAIS GO FORTH!!!” causing a barrage of lasers and lightning to fall from the sky destroying the radioactive donuts in an explosion of maple icing and different colored sprinkles, but I’m not.
This is the best picture I could find of two donuts fighting.
What I was picturing was a little more exciting. And violent.
No, this post is about the spelling of the word doughnuts. Should it be “doughnuts” or “donuts”? Pat?
Pat: Easy. “Doughnuts”. Done. Next topic?
Christian: Whoa slow down there premature-Patty. Why go with “doughnuts”? I know it’s the more traditional way of spelling it but we live in modern and hip times nowadays. It’s 2013. We have iPhones, HD TVs, and Tide has reached a level of stain fighting power that we never before dreamed imaginable.
Don’t you think “donuts” is a more 21st Century, and better, way of spelling it?
Pat: Yes, if the 21st century is to be defined by a dumbed-down illiterati! Are you trying to prove the magnificent film, “Idiocracy”, a historical documentary as opposed to the brilliant satire that it is?
Want to know how all this got started? The moment they started selling donuts at kwik-marts.
Just spell the entire goddamned word!
Please don’t sue us, Matt Groening
Hey, by the way, how are you doing? Did you have a nice day?
Christian: My day has been fine. Other than the fact that I fell off the wagon with regards to drinking scotch through straws I made out of Red Vines. It’s the straws made out of Red Vines part that I’m trying to quit so as you can imagine it’s been a very difficult time for me.
But you know what makes having to drink scotch through regular straws more bearable? Spelling “donuts” the easy way. There’s just no misspelling it when it’s that easy. It’s spelled just like it sounds. Do - nuts. You don’t call them do - ugh! - nuts.
Plus I don’t know if you have noticed but the spell checker robot - who will one day wipe out mankind from the earth using spell checking lasers - totally accepts both spellings. So both must be right. So if both are right why not go with the easier and better one? Carpe Diem.
Pat: Fine, then. As my homeboys* in Sublime would say, “f@#k it fight it, it’s all the same!” Spell it however you want. Just don’t blame me when our future president is asking you for their “voat” to “leed” you into the next “aira” of “uhmairican” progress. Damn...it was really hard figuring out how to spell those words incorrectly. Maybe you’re onto something.
*Just to be clear, the homeboys in Sublime would have totally kicked my ass in high school. Repeatedly. And I don’t think they swore with symbols. They used REAL swear words. That’s badass.
Christian: Hey I’m all for easier spelling. If words were spelled just as they sounded then maybe we wouldn’t have such a bad illiteracy problem in this country. I didn’t realize you were so pro-illiteracy. To be honest I find that quite shocking considering you’re a teacher.
Pat: No! Stop! You’re doing that weird vulcan twisto-logic thing. Stop it!
You have to stop trying to win the argument by distorting my words and making me think I’m an idiot. It works too well, and it kinda’ ruins my day.
Christian: OK, fine. We won’t debate whether or not you are for or against illiteracy. We’ll just agree the jury is still out on that one. But back to spelling donuts. Or doughnuts. Besides holding on to past outdated standards what’s the advantage of going with “doughnuts”?
Pat: Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but I believe what makes the nut is “DOUGH” and not “do”, so, umm, I guess I’m just one for accuracy.
‘Course, that argument gets skewed the moment you bring up hamburgers, so don’t bring them up, please.
Christian: OK, but exactly what part of the dough-nut is made of nuts then?
Pat: Quit trying to change the subject!
Umm...you’ve kinda’ got me on that one, though. Dammit. Fine. Call it a donut.
It’s too much work upholding civilization through grammar.
Christian: OK, cool. But now that I got you to agree that “donuts” is better than “doughnuts” what I really think they should be called are “hand cakes”. Because that’s really what they are.
Imagine if you had never seen a donut in your life and someone said “Hey would you like a donut?” You’d be like “Whaaaat? A donut? What the hell is that, jerkwad?”
But if someone said “Hey would you like a hand cake?” you’d be like “A cake I can fit in my hand?!?!?! YES PLEASE!!!”
What do you think?
Pat: Do you normally deep fry your cakes? I think that might be a key feature. Not sure, but I think so. How about “fryballs”? Or “doughrings”?
Christian: Not all donuts are fried are they? Anyways, to show you that I am able to compromise, why don’t we just go with “fried hand balls”? Sound good?
Pat: Nope. Not ready to compromise. And, yes, I am aware that many of our loyal followers are probably reading this slackjawed at the moment because they are so used to me being the more moderate, compromising and balanced member of the team. Well...to be perfectly honest, I was ready to concede until you hinted at the silly notion that not all DOUGHNUTS (oh yes I did!) are fried. Your utter lack of knowledge regarding that oh-so-crucial component of the fried-dough delicacy not only makes me want to continue this argument, it makes me want to go back a rescind my concession on your lazy spelling.
To quote my favorite movie villain: You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, little twerp? No, you had to push it. Well, now you're gonna pay!
It’s (back) on!
Christian: OK, I googled it and you’re right, all donuts are fried even the cake ones. Science is an amazing thing. You know what else is amazing? Fried hand balls.
But as for donuts vs. doughnuts, I guess we’ll just have to leave it up to our attractive and well styled, dearest cherished readers to decide. Which is it? Donuts or doughnuts?
I know people who call them cookies,which is just cruel wrong and terribly misleading! Rings of joy? (I guess that doesn't account for filled ones). How about donuts if I am in a hurry with no time for extra letters, but I will add the ugh if things are more relaxed. I think I had better go have some cereal.
ReplyDeleteI really like Rings of Joy. Screw the filled ones.
DeleteI never thought about how what you're adding is the "ugh". That seems weirdly appropriate.
DeleteHow about "Circle-Fats"? Well, not all of them are circular. How about "put it down fatty fat fats"? What, we need to do something to discourage the obesity epidemic, right? They try to shame smokers, so why not shaming doughnut chugging arterie cloggers? Who am I kidding, they're delicious. Also, wouldn't a cupcake technically be a "hand cake"?
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you'll next solve the "ketchup vs. catsup" debate.
And I'm totally stealing your movie idea.
If we switch donuts to fried hand cakes, then cupcakes would become mini-cake rounders. Or maybe cake sliders. Still open for discussion.
DeleteWhat's catsup?
DeleteI don't have time for spelling, I have things to do! Very important things! And I can't be bothered to spell out your long fancy words like 'doughnuts.'
ReplyDeleteAlso, 'illiterati' may be my new favorite word of all time.
Totally, doughnuts is how the spell it on Downton Abbey. Donuts is how they spell it on Breaking Bad.
DeleteScore one for Pat! Thanks A Beer For The Shower!
DeleteIlliterati is my new favorite word, too. How about "Shoparazzi" for people who like to shop a lot? Oh...... I feel a blog post of my own coming on now with that new word.
DeleteYes! Score one more! You keeping count, Christian?
DeletePat, you know I'm on your side, but I'm not sure how A Beer For The Shower's (love the handle, by the way) comment is a vote in your favor. Wait, are votes in favor of the word "illiterati" (also love that word!) automatically counted as votes in favor of "doughnut"? Pretty clever, Pat.
DeleteUmm...I pretty much count as a vote in my favor any word or hint or nod or remote indication that I in fact exist. So...yes. And thank you. And I think that's another point.
DeleteThe word is pronounced dough-nuts not do-nuts. Really Christian, I'm surprised at you. You're normally my rock of sanity. Today it seems, you are my rock of insanity. Plus, you know how much I hate agreeing with Pat. Sorry Pat, you're just such a good arguer. Is that even a word?
ReplyDeleteFine. How about doe-nuts then?
DeleteP.S. Rock of Insanity was my favorite Scorpions album.
I believe that's another point for me! And Megiweg, it's a word now!
DeleteI think Doe-nuts would have been ruled out earlier, unless you are filling these Doughnuts with deer meat.
DeleteIf it can't be fried hand balls it has to be doughnuts.
ReplyDeleteAlso, in remembrance of the great "whoreing" debacle of 2012, not to mention whichever one of you tries to spell it "pegacon" ( I assume it's Pat who hates literacy), let's take a moment of silcnce for the spell checking lasers to eat your brains.
Also, also, is Red Vines another prep school thing? Are they the same as Twizzlers?
I love that we've somehow given the impression that we went to prep school.
DeleteActually, now that I remember it, not only did we go to prep school, but we did so in the 1950s, and Robin Williams was our teacher. Yeah! Those were some crazy years, man!
Twizzlers are a horrid injustice to taste. Red Vine on the other hand are delicious licorice strands of joy and hope.
DeleteP.S. Pat, I'm assuming it's YOU that has given the impression that YOU went to prep school. I'm guessing everyone just assumes I grew up and learned everything I know on the streets.
I prefer d'oh-nuts.
ReplyDeleteIs that d'oh as in Homer Simpson or do you pronounce them dee-oh-nuts?
DeleteDorkgasm 2013! You managed to reference The Simpsons, Idiocracy and Sublime in one post AND made me rack my brain until i figured out that your favorite movie villain brought people home in a body bag (am i right??? i need to know and googling it would be cheating)...then i had to go back and re-read the whole thing because i had already forgotten what the post was about in the first place. i vote that donut is the ghetto-ized version and should only be used for things that suck. like donuts for your car, which always suck because it means you got a flat. also, if you took your Doughnut vs. Donut movie idea and put it together with the movies Robyn came up with at HTV the other day, the Syfy channel would never have to resort to Piranahconda again ;)
ReplyDeletejust kidding - Piranahconda was AWESOME
Delete"Wax on, wax off"...that's all I'm gonna' say, Shannon.
DeleteI have not read what the other people wrote yet, but frankly, it doesn't matter. It's DONUTS. If you don't want to call them that (and spell them that way), then call them Holey Cakes. That would be the best.
ReplyDelete(Think of the possibilities! People can eat them in church! Or at home while they think about not going to church! Or on the drive to Target Sunday morning when everyone else is going to church! Then they could argue about spelling them "Holey" cakes or "Holy" cakes.)
xxo
MOV
p.s. can you make your next blog post be about (dis)organized religion?
Has there been a disorganized religion? They all seem pretty neat and tidy to me.
DeleteWe can do a post about (dis)organized religion. But keep in mind that it takes months and months for us to formulate a proper PCPPP post (just like it does for baby!) so we can guarantee it won't be out next post. Unless we don't post anything new for awhile.
DeleteI prefer "wholly cakes" anyway.
DeleteI think you would have had a more effective "Doughnut" vs. "Donut" fight illustration by having a couple of radioactive jelly donuts fighting to the death. Lots of jam spillage. It could be gory and tasty at the same time.
ReplyDeleteNotice I said "donuts." That's my vote. But Andrea almost nailed it. For the diet relapsers out there, they should be called "rings of shame."
mmmmmm... jam spillage.
DeleteI have never known which way was correct, and now I'm only more confused. Thanks guys. And don't be so hasty trying to boot that red vine habit--why ruin it when you've got a good thing going?
ReplyDeleteI've cut back to only using one red vine as a straw at a time instead of three. It makes the scotch last longer too.
DeleteThis is so funny and then the comments...even made it funnier.
ReplyDeleteThanks! We're hoping to eventually get to the point where people will just leave entertaining comments without us having to post anything. Cuts out a lot of work for us.
DeleteDoughnut but I'm stodgy like that.
ReplyDeleteI do think we will soon learn that Idiocracy is prophetic. Watch for the Seven Blobs of the Apocalypse (hint: one of them is Mama June)
I've always assumed that Idiocracy is more of a documentary than fiction.
Delete"Donuts" looks better to me for some reason but that may be because I watch A LOT of tv and get advertised to a whole bunch and that's how people who want me to buy doughnuts spell donuts.
ReplyDeleteWhy am I wanting to go buy some donuts right now?
DeleteI'd say donuts, because nuts-o-dough just makes no sense.
ReplyDeleteHere in Michigan, we have Paczkis (filled donuts) and Paczki day (today, Fat Tuesday!). Real fun to spell, and just try to pronounce that one!
OK I'll take a stab: Pah-cheekey-eyes? Nailed it didn't I?
Deletewell, where I come from we call them Berliner, so we all should just call them Berliner it is way easier that way!
ReplyDeleteI like Berliner. Sounds cool. Like an airline or something. I'll take one chocolate berliner with sprinkles please.
DeleteI think Donuts are the free ones they give to the cops that stop by for free everything, They are extra dry for dipping in the free coffee.
ReplyDeleteDoughnuts are the ones us paying customers get, we get flavors and stuff with filling, and sprinkles, it's amazing what you get when you don't expect it for free.
Interesting theory. I like everything you described in that second paragraph except for the having to pay part. And of course now that I've read the words flavors, filling, and sprinkles I have to go get a doughnut now.
Delete