No Thank You on the Thank You, Thank You

Everyone likes receiving gifts. I’m not talking about silly imaginary gifts like freedom or the gift of life, I’m talking about tangible consumer product gifts. Stuff you can return for cash refunds if needed.

But there comes a price with receiving gifts. Thank yous. Writing thank yous is such a major chore. As a child I dreaded it so much that I seriously contemplated whether or not it was worth getting the gifts in the first place (It was).  

And now I have to help write thank yous for my kids. Their birthdays are one month apart from one another and by the time we finally finish off the thank yous for one birthday we have to start all over again with the next one.

And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous amount of thank yous we had to write after our wedding. It took about five months to write out all the thank yous for our wedding gifts. I can’t speak for my wife but I plan on never getting married again because of this.

Sickening.

(source)

So Pat, how do you feel about writing thank yous? Am I an ass if I suggest that we just get rid of them for good? I think its safe to assume that we are all thankful for the tangible consumer product gifts we receive. Do we really need to waste time writing out tiny notes stating the obvious?

Pat: Easy. I’m a traditionalist on this one. Not sure why. Not sure where it came from. But I am near fascist-esque when it comes to the discipline of writing customary thank you’s. I’m open to the idea of a “thank you” via a text or email or skywriting, but regardless of medium, a thank you is a right and proper must.

I’m kind of horrified and surprised that you would even ask. P’shaw!

Christian: It doesn’t surprise me that you are into these archaic customs. You probably still shave with a razor that only has one Mach, right? My razor is at Mach 3. I need the extra Machs because I’ve got things to do and can’t waste my time shaving or writing notes to people telling them something that surely they already know.

How about this: Since it’s safe to assume anytime you give a gift to someone they are thankful for it, how about we only send the notes when we aren’t thankful? No Thank You notes! That way if you don’t receive a note from someone you can assume they are thankful for it. And if you do receive a note, well,  then you obviously blew it.

What do you think?

Pat: I’d rather just give them a Johnny Cash style finger upon receipt and forgo the written unpleasantries. I mean, they suck, right? So we’re going to reward them with our time and energy writing a note? Nope. Not me.

That's an impressive digit!

I’m sticking with the traditional thank you. And mine will likely be handwritten on a nice, thick-grade paper, maybe even with a graphic on it. Or a phone message.

You do know that there are customary and accepted periods of time in which you’re able to write thank yous, don’t you? For instance, you have a year after your wedding to get all your thank yous out. About the same for condolence cards or gifts.

Not sure who came up with the rules, but I bet it was a group like the League of Nations, or the Hall of Justice or something. And who are we, really, to argue with them?

Christian: It was Batman wasn’t it? Thank you note deadlines totally seems like a Batman and Robin thing. Most people would probably assume Aquaman, but I’m pretty sure he’s illiterate. And Batman and Robin have a surprising amount of free time. They probably put the little bat emblem on all their thank yous too. Robin probably begins each one with something like “Holy great gifts, Batman!” and then they laugh.

Disgusting.

But what happens if you don’t make the deadline? Also - completely unrelated - can you send me your mailing address again? I still need to send you a thank you from my wedding. It’s been roughly 120 months so I need to get that out soon.

Pat:  I don’t know. I don’t think anyone has ever tried that. I think at this point you should just recognize that you’re an inconsiderate ingrate and wait for the next opportunity to redeem yourself. Probably safer than trying to send a “Thank You” past the customary deadline.

Christian: Cool. No need to send you a thank you then. Got it.

Pat: Why do you think people feel so comfortable dissing on Aquaman? I always liked him, but now I get the sense I wasn’t supposed to. Poor guy.

Christian: If you don’t know why Aquaman is lame then you are part of the problem and not part of the solution Pat.