"The Bible" Review Extravaganza Bonanza-Palooza

A little while ago we did a review of the book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” which turned out to be one of our most popular posts to date. So we thought maybe we should ride this book review gravy train a bit more and do another book review.

My initial thought was to review another book that had several authors, which is probably one the biggest reasons why our review post was so popular, not to mention all those authors are also bloggers. Therefore, I suggested to Pat we review the Declaration of Independence. But he argued that the Declaration of Independence isn’t actually a book and that none of it’s authors have a blog. And they’re all dead.

New strategy.

Since “I Just Want to Pee Alone” is a popular book we decided to just pick another similar popular book so we went with “The Bible”.

Pat, I’m still trying to get through this thing so why don’t you go first.

Pat: This might be a bit controversial.  

Suggesting that the Bible has an author, or multiple authors, might be enough to send those who believe it to be the written word of God into fanatic mode.

Yes. God spoke English. (psst!  I’m just saying that to keep them at bay)

I mean, do you know of any other book with enough of a fan base to free it from the common grammatical rule of underlining titles? Man...this book has POWER. Do you really wanna’ go through with this?

Christian: Don’t worry I have the utmost respect for the Bible and I agree that we need to make sure we don’t offend anybody. I strongly believe, that as long as you aren’t harming anyone, everyone’s beliefs should be respected.

Now the first question I have about it is where in the Lord of the Rings storyline is the Bible supposed to have taken place? Is it before or after The Two Towers?

Pat: Well, it’s more like a parallel story, Christian. You know the Shire? Well, the Bible has a place called Eden. They’re very similar.

And all of those dark and evil things, like Mordor and Sauron and Saruman and Orcs and Morgoth and Azog? Well, the Bible has lots of those things too, and I think they’re all called Satan.

And Hobbits, with their hairy little feet? Well, I don’t think anything like that is in the Bible, but it DOES say that God (he...she...It...is one of the main characters) created everything, which kinda’ includes me, and I’m a pretty hairy fella, so...it fits.

I feel very uncomfortable being the authority on this one, just so you know.

Christian: Don’t worry. I don’t mind.

I’m going to go ahead and be honest here and admit that I’ve switched over to reading the cliff notes of The Bible. Okay, to be even more honest it’s more of a skimming than a reading but I think I’m getting the gist.

Under the character description for God it says:  

“God appears in many different forms, including an angel, a wrestler, a burst of fire, and a quiet whisper.”

A wrestler? I did some more skimming and learned that God and Jacob wrestle at some point.

God must be the one on the bottom.

(source)

So not only is it historical but it’s also action-packed! It explains Christmas at some point too right?

Pat:  I’m not sure I want to be part of this conversation anymore. I don’t really believe in hell, but I’m a little worried about radical members of the Westboro Baptist Church or the Taliban right now. But since we’ve already gone there, I suppose I should go ahead and say that I always pictured God as more of a Lucha Libre style wrestler.

Yep...pretty much sums it up!

Umm...where, exactly, did you get this Cliff’s Notes version of the Bible? I’m curious about Cliff’s authority to abbreviate the text.

Christian: Why? Was God not a wrestler? Dammit. I’ve been going around telling everyone that God is a wrestler. If that’s not true, all my neighbors are going to think I’m crazy now.

I found Cliff’s notes online here. But don’t worry I sent him an angry e-mail about his God wrestling lies.

Pat:   Wow. Sparknotes™ really does have everything covered. Impressive!

Umm...I suppose viewing God as a wrestler has a certain holiness and reverence to it. Kind of like the SUPREME wrestler. Like, there’s no way that Hulk Hogan, André the Giant, Superfly Jimmy Snooka, or, hell, even the Undertaker could take him down.  

Come to think of it...know what would make the greatest show ever? “Wrestlemania Second Coming”, where all of the world’s greatest wrestlers, past and present, get into a cage with God-the-Wrestler to see if they can wrangle the title away from him. I’d definitely pay to see that.

Sorry...did you ask a question back there somewhere?

Christian: So he was a wrestler? I’m confused.

Anyways, what did you think of the stuff where it’s just so-and-so begat so-and-so who begat so-and-so etc. To be honest I felt like that stuff really slowed down the story momentum and brought the whole plot to a snail’s crawl.

Begatting is boring.

(source)

Also, maybe it’s just me but there seems to be a lot of religious overtones in this thing. Did you notice that?

Pat:  Yes...VERY religious! I suppose they should put in a disclaimer at the beginning alerting you to the fact that the book will ring of Christian values. Values from the organized faith, that is. Not from you.

And honestly...I just kinda’ skimmed the begat section (I think they call it Genesis, but it was from before Phil Collins or Peter Gabriel were involved). Once I heard that there wasn’t going to be a test on it -- in THIS life, at least -- and that all it did was connect every single one of us back to Adam and Eve, I was like, “No thanks, Gideon!”

Hey! If I understand the term correctly though, I just realized that I begat my kids! That sounds so cool!

Christian: Yes. Congratulations on the begatting.

So in conclusion, while I will admit I did skip a lot of sections of The Bible, it did seem rather informative. Therefore if you are looking for a long read and can get past the heavy religious overtones, I would recommend it. How about you Pat?

Pat:  Yeah, sure. Go ahead and read it, I say. Might help you understand some things that are going on in the world (hint:  humanitarian efforts, necklaces with crosses on them, war, wine, comedy, Satanists, etc.). I’d probably wait for the paperback version, or even ‘til it appears at the library, but it should DEFINITELY have made your summer reading list. Or you might burn in hell.