So it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction, you want? Then it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction you'll get! (maybe)

So awhile ago, Christian mentioned that he was working on a little project involving incorporating Jared and the other characters from Subway into some riveting literary narratives. Little did we know that our fan base would EXPLODE with enthusiasm at the mere mention of the mere possibility of the mere idea of something as merely ludicrously amazing as Jared from Subway fan fiction!

So now the easy part...actually writing the first installment of the Jared from Subway fan-fiction.

Pat:  Hey, so I see this as more of a “Hardy Boys” style mystery-adventure series, where Jared wakes up from his seemingly normal life, goes to work to make the sandwiches, and then gets caught up in some customer’s complicated situation. You like that?

Christian:  I do like that but Jared doesn’t really work at Subway in real life does he? I thought he just ate all their sandwiches so they put him on TV.

I’m just concerned that the hard-core Jared from Subway fans might not appreciate us changing anything about the Jared from Subway universe. That might be like writing some Star Wars fan fiction with having Yoda being a landspeeder mechanic instead of a Jedi Master.

But if you think it’s OK I’m cool with it.

Pat: No, I think you have a point there. Scrap the “Hardy Boys” schematic. We’re going “Charlie’s Angels” instead, with Jared popping into his local Subway franchise to receive his daily missive from the agency. The guy making his sandwich is like Bosley. But he NEVER sees the person actually telling him what to do. In that case, I guess it would be the franchise owner.

Think that’s a better way to go?

Christian: Yeah that might work. So Jared would walk in and order, say, a cold cut combo on wheat -  to go - and Bosley would slip his mission instructions into the sandwich? Then once Jared got outside he would wipe off the mustard and everything and learn about his mission.

But sometimes there wouldn’t be a mission in which case Jared would just eat the sandwich but we won’t write about those times.

I also thought it would be cool if at some point Jared had a love affair with Flo from Progressive Insurance. I mean like a super-hot, steamy and torrid love affair. How do you think we could work that in?

Pat:  Is that her name? At first I thought you meant Flo from “Alice”, which I thought was an AWESOME idea, ‘cause everyone loves those crossover TV shows, where stories intersect and characters from one show become part of another show.

I guess it would work with insurance-Flo as well, but she doesn’t really have as cool a tag-line.  “Kiss my grits!” just never gets old!

Besides, insurance-Flo seems so nice. I know Jared looks all milquetoast and safe, but I bet he’s got a secret dirty side to him. A side that only a fire-haired, fire-tongued vixen like “Alice”-Flo could understand and appreciate.

Whatcha’ think?

Christian: Is Alice-Flo even alive? I’m pretty certain our Jared from Subway fan-fiction is going to be huge with the teens, a big money making demographic I might add. I don’t think they are going to be into old Alice-Flo.

Just look at the size of that hat she’s wearing!

(source)

Insurance-Flo is who the teens are into today, what with their Insurance-Flo posters and Insurance-Flo bathroom products. Plus something tells me she turns into quite the little vixen when she’s not talking about car insurance rates.

Passion!

(source)

But either way I’m picturing Jared from Subway having many different lovers throughout our series so we don’t have to pick just one right now.

But what should be his first mission for our initial installment?

Pat:   Something having to do with pickles! I’ve always felt like pickles could be the center of a great caper!

Christian: Pickles could work. I was thinking more along the lines of stolen nuclear warheads, but I think you’re right. The first installment should be something simple. And then as the series goes along the stakes can slowly increase until eventually Jared from Subway is saving the world by stealing back nuclear warheads from sandwich terrorists.

But for now let’s go with pickles.

How about this; the Subway stores are dangerously low on their pickle inventory and they don’t know why. Therefore they call Jared from Subway into action! He’ll do some investigating, and learn that it’s the evil Quiznos corporation that is stealing Subway’s pickles under the guise of a haunted roller coaster or something. Somewhere along the way he’ll bang Insurance-Flo.

This stuff practically writes itself.

What do you think?

Pat:  NUCLEAR pickles! What could be more erotic than that?!

(Psst! If this blog thing doesn’t pan out, I really think we should pitch the idea of the “nuclear pickle” vibrator to some skeevy porn industry company. Just as a back-up, y’know.)

Christian: I just cashed in my 401k and reserved nuclearpickles.com. Hello early retirement.

Death Planning

“Los muertos”, I believe, is Russian for “I’m going to be dying soon, I should plan”. Well, we may not all be dying soon but according to everyone who sees me eat, I need to start planning for it here pretty soon.

Not plan how I’m going to die - we already talked about how I would prefer to die from an asteroid taking out the entire Earth so I won’t miss out on anything after I’m gone, but Pat pooh-poohed that idea claiming it was selfish of me to want to take down the entire human population with me.

No, the planning I would like to talk about is the plan for my body after it dies. Apparently if I don’t write down what I want done with it on my napkin-will then it’s going to be up to my loved ones to decide. And who can trust them?

Now ideally I would choose not to die. I’m one of those pro-lifer types that would prefer to abort death and live forever. But until they have a cure for dead I should probably make a decision. Of course there is the option of having my body, or just my head, frozen but I don’t trust any of those companies. What happens to my body/head if they go bankrupt? Does the bank now own my body/head? I don’t want a bank owning my body/head.

I think science has been able to freeze and then revive mice and burritos, but until one of those companies prove that they can reanimate a human, after being dead for several years, the only way they’re getting any of my money is by pulling it out of my cold dead hands. Or my cold dead teeth if I’m just a head at that point.

It worked for this guy.

(source)

That kind of just leaves either burial or cremation. They both sound so exciting I just can’t decide.

Pat, you appear responsible. Have you made this decision?

Pat: I’ve always been really impressed by cats when it comes to dying. They just look at you one last time, maybe to say “thanks” or “eat me!”, and then they just hobble into the hedge or trees or garage and die and become skin and bones, only to be found later on by little kids who can reassemble their remains for elementary school science projects.

So noble.

That’s kind of my plan as of right now.

Christian: But not only are you counting on knowing exactly when you are going to die, you are also assuming you’ll have the strength and ability to crawl into some hedges somewhere. I hate to burst your death bubble but I don’t think this cat-like dying plan of yours is going to work. Either way someone is going to find your body and then they’ll have to decide what to do with it.

What do you want them to do with your body?

Pat: I’m fine with waiting a bit. You’re right...I might hobble off to the hedge and realize that I’m not quite ready to die. I’ve thought of that already. If that’s the case, I’ll just lie down and wait. Seems pleasant enough.

If, alternatively, I don’t have enough energy to hobble, well ,then...I’ll just die right there. Yeah, it’ll be hard for the loved ones nearby, but easy enough for me.

And I don’t care what they do with my body. I don’t think I’ll know, either way. Wait!  Do you know something I don’t know?

Christian: Yes lots of things. But are you sure you’re OK with trusting your loved ones to do whatever they please to your defenseless body?

I’m torn. If I decide not to be buried then what if there is a zombie apocalypse that turns the dead into walking cannibals? I know what you’re thinking - that doesn’t sound good - so let me finish, dammit! You turn into the walking dead but what if they then find a cure for walking deadness which turns you alive again. Voila! You’re livin' large! Again! If I am to be cremated I would miss out on this golden opportunity.

But on the other hand if a zombie apocalypse never happens I’m not too sure how I feel about spending eternity in a box underground. In that case I guess I might prefer to be cremated and have my ashes spread out across some mighty forest and have myself become the trees or something. But now that I think about it, I guess in that case I would prefer to be spread out onto some young virile man so that I could become a young virile man. Again!

Have you not taken these issues into consideration?

Pat:  Oh, I have. Maybe not the zombie situation. At least not to the depth that you obviously thought about it. But I have.

I think you’re placing a lot of emphasis on the value of staying alive. That’s good and all, and I certainly understand why you would do so.

But I think at a certain point I’ll just find myself really...tired. And, you know, with not much to do. Crosswords are good and all, but if they’re the only thing you look forward to when you wake up, then I don’t know if waking up is all it’s cracked up to be.

Maybe if my life could be prolonged indefinitely at my current age. 41 ain’t half bad, y’know, and I could go on like this for at least another…well...41 years, I guess, since that’s the only frame of reference for time-on-earth that I have.

Oh...I’ve gone and gotten myself confused again.

Christian: Me too. To be honest that has been no help. I’m starting to think there’s no winning at this death thing.

Do any of our dearest cherished readers have some advice for me?

The Signing

So...we gave away the Quadracorn. Little did we know that parting ways with said artwork would prove so traumatic. There’s a lot of thought that goes into giving a piece of invaluable artwork away, as we’re sure Picasso and Cobain and Sendak fully know...or would, if they were alive.

The Quadracorn Portrait

But unlike them, we ARE alive, and we were there when the Quadracorn was signed (‘cause, y’know, we’re the ones who signed it, so we kinda’ had to have been there, or that would be weird and have to involve physics and wizardry), and we witnessed firsthand the hardship. Christian cried.

Christian: That may or not be true even though it is.

Yes, it was surprisingly hard to give away the Quadracorn portrait to Jeneral Insanity. But she did win it fair and square in our 100th Post Quadracorn Giveaway Bonanza Palooza.

And signing it was almost as hard.

Since at some point in the distant future we know the Quadracorn portrait will inevitably end up in the Smithsonian or on some satellite-rocket thing being sent, as a token of peace, to an alien species that Earth is first making contact with, we wanted to make sure our signatures were top notch. This put a surprising amount of pressure on us.

But instead of describing the process to you, using our traditional poetic word-blasting we thought we would walk you through it using the devil’s soul cages. I mean using pictures. Here we go...

When I arrived at Pat’s he had the lights dimmed and candles strewn about.

I don’t know what his intentions were but I was just there to sign the Quadracorn Portrait.

We first needed to select the proper writing instrument considering

the historical importance of this signing.

And then we did a few practice signatures.

Followed by a few more practice signatures.

Then it was time to do the real signature on the real portrait. We each had our own technique.

Pat tried the not looking technique...

…while I tried a different technique.

And our signatures! It should be noted that despite the fact that

Pat’s name is significantly shorter than mine his signature

took up about half the space. Not to mention

the majority of his signatures is just a straight line.

And we decided to include a personalized note that

can later be used as authentication of the Quadracorn Portrait when

Jen tries to sell it to the Louvre.

Everything ready to go. But we needed something sturdy

and strong to put everything in so that nothing would get damaged

during transport.

Voila!

Nice and safe.

Picture of the manila envelope we put the

fruit bars safety box in for shipping.

Took both of us, using awesome PCPPP teamwork to put

it in the envelope.

Unfortunately not everything fit. Sorry Jen.

There you have it: history.

Hopefully everything made it to Jeneral Insanity safely. If not feel free to sue the United States Postal Service. Just remember to list our names down as part of the plaintiffs so we can also receive some of that sweet sweet settlement cash.

2013 PCPPP Corporate Retreat

Like many of our nation’s top corporations, Christian and I have a firm commitment to keeping our staff happy. We like to “pay it forward”, as it were, in order to strengthen our working relationships. So, taking cues from many of the top corporate consulting companies, we took it upon ourselves to treat our staff to a retreat, one that would focus on team-building, visioning and branding, and three hour hugging-it-out intimacy experiences. In this post, we set out to reflect on what ended up being quite a day.

Us retreating.  Kind of.

Pat:  So, Christian, now that it’s been a few months since our corporate retreat, would you mind taking a few moments to reflect on what you found most valuable as it relates to the future prospects of our co-blogging venture?

If it helps, I would like to chime in that I LOVED that you drove. It was a generous offer, and it allowed me to not worry about getting really tanked right before we left.

Not Pat (but easily could have been)

Christian: Are you talking about that time I drove you home from 7-11 because those teenagers were harassing you?

Pat:  No, silly! I’m talking about our first ever soon-to-be annual (Right? You promised!) trip into the dangerous and trying mountains of our own Oregon, to challenge ourselves by engaging in team building, limit pushing, horizon expanding, and food eating. We talked about the future of PCPPP--the IPO that we’re looking at for next year, the movie/book option the year after, and the co-memoir after that.

Our ski trip. Remember?

Christian: Oh yeah. I wore a new pair of high performance underwear for that trip. That was our corporate retreat? I remember talking about those things but wasn’t aware that was our official retreat. Where were all of our young attractive interns?

Pat: Yes, that was our retreat! I told you that like three times on the way up. Were you listening?

And didn’t you see all of those other people on the mountain? It was kinda’ hard to see their faces, what with the helmets and ski masks, I guess, but I assumed those were our interns. I was really impressed with how many we have!

Christian: Wow, that is a lot! It’s hard to keep track of how many we have since we are constantly firing and hiring them all the time. But it’s good to know they came too.

So yeah... that was a good ski trip. A lot of quality team implementing and good re-grouping of our go-forward basis and such.

Pat:  Agreed! We didn’t really get to revisit our respective roles at PC-PPP, though, and I was, umm, wondering if we could continue that conversation. You mentioned awhile ago, at one of our many bourbon enhanced meetings, something about stock options or profit sharing as symbolic token of our partnership. I mean, it IS a partnership, right?

‘Cause sometimes it just feels a little bit like I’m Laurel to your Hardy, or Tom to your Jerry, or...I think I’m confusing myself again.

We’re equals, right? That’s what I’m trying to ask.

Christian: I guess it depends on what you mean by equal. If you mean similar but with drastic differences then yes, by all means we are complete and total equals. You’ve got nothing to worry about.

Pat: Yeah...I guess that’s what I mean. But...umm...what are some of those drastic differences? Just so I know where I stand within our organization, y’know.

Which one of these is a more apt illustration of our relationship:

 

Option 1?

--or--

    

Option 2?

Christian: Yes.

Pat: Yes? Ummm…”yes” what, exactly. I don’t want to pester you, but I don’t think you really answered anything. Are we more like Option 1 above, or like Option 2?

And if it’s Option 2, you can just lie and say Option 1. Or you can say Option 2 but with me as the bigger guy. Those are really your only options. Thanks.

Christian: Yes, like I said, the above option.

OK, I think we’ve covered this issue enough, let’s move on. How about our future goals? When are we going to be able to retire with enormous wealth? By Christmas?

Pat: I’m depressed. Sure. By Christmas. That’s fine. I can do that. Or try to, at least. We probably won’t. And it will probably be my fault.

Christian: HOT DOG!!! I can’t wait! It’s going to be the best Christmas ever!!!