Well today is the big day! The day that we announce the winner of our 100th Post-Quadracorn Artwork Giveaway!
In case you missed it we did our 100th post which can be found here, here, or here. Also here. In celebration of our 100th post we decided to give away an original piece of artwork by yours truly. It’s the coveted portrait of a Quadracorn I did with pencil on notebook paper.
Sorry Louvre, this one’s not yours.
But before we announce the winner we’re going to talk about how the winner was chosen to demonstrate the fairness and legality in choosing our winner. Hopefully this will help alleviate the inevitable rioting that will take place once the winner is announced.
Christian: First off we had to talk to our lawyers to make sure...
Pat: You mean Toby? That guy that’s always outside 7-11?
Christian: Yes. Toby. Anyways we had to make sure we took care of all the legal issues that typically come with giving away such a large and substantial prize. We wanted to make sure everything was sanctioned by the state, filed correctly and what have you. Maybe permits. Who knows.
And once we bought Toby a Mickey’s Big Mouth™ he agreed to look over everything and told us we were good to go.
Now that the legal side of things were done, how were we to choose the winner? We wanted it to be fair and not show any special preference since we love all of our dearest cherished readers equally.
So we decided to gather up several neighborhood cats and attached a number for each entry to their tails. We then went to a local track and placed them all at the beginning of the hundred meter dash. They were in boxes at this point.
We then put several cans of Fancy Feast’s Flaked Salmon and Ocean Whitefish feast at the end of the finish line and decided whichever cat crossed the finish line first would decide the winner of the Quadracorn portrait.
We released the cats and they all took off running. Unfortunately they all took off running towards the woods nearby and no where near the finish line.
Pat: Yeah...you know what they say about hindsight and 20 dollar bills, right? Well, so then we noticed that one of the cats didn’t really do anything and stayed behind at the starting line. And then we realized that it wasn’t one of our cats. Kinda’ scraggly and haggard looking. But it was really sweet!
So...we opted for a variation on good ole’ straw pulling. We decided that we’d pull hairs from the haggard cat, and each hair would be assigned to one entry, and the longest hair would win. Perfect!
Christian: Remind me again about how we knew which hair was for which entry?
Pat: Duh! Simple numeration!
Christian: Oh yeah. Numeration. But it turned out that pretty much every hair on a cat is the same length, which we didn’t realize until the cat was about half bald. So we gave up on the hair pulling idea. But we did decide to name the cat Barbara.
Pat: Yeah. What? Do they get haircuts or something? Geez!
So we then decided to get a bunch of quarters, and put an entry name on each one. Then, we filled up a little shot glass with, what, tequila? bourbon? vodka? I don’t know, but we filled it and then tried to throw the quarter into it. I remember throwing, like, four quarters.
Christian: It was bourbon but the problem was that Barbara had drank the shot and knocked over the shot glass which we didn’t know until several hours and several quarters later.
Pat: Hours? I thought we did that for fifteen minutes. Uh-oh.
In any case, quarters didn’t work either so we pinned each entry name to a night star, and then watched Barbara VERY closely to see which star she looked at first. But at that point in the night, a simple look wasn’t enough, so we decided that it had to be accompanied by an audible “meow” or “purr”.
Christian: And that is when we were attacked by a family of squirrels. I think they were going after all the Fancy Feast we had spilled on ourselves trying to open those damn cans. You know how hard it is to open a can of cat food without a can opener?
But fortunately for us Barbara was fueled with enough bourbon, hate, and lack of hair to fight most of them off. We did suffer a few squirrel bites and scratches, but on the plus side five of the squirrels now thought Barbara was their dad. And we knew we could use this to our advantage!
Pat: Know why? Cause--weird as it sounds--this one squirrel seemed to REALLY glom onto us, like Barbara did before. Weird, huh? So we figured that we had to take our new cat and our new squirrel (by the way, we didn’t name him, because we didn’t want to become as attached to him as we had become to Barbara--squirrels die sooner, y’know!) to a new place and in Portland, Oregon that means Vancouver (Washington, not the cool Canadian one), in order to get new results.
Oh, if you’re confused at our logic at this point, read back a coupla’ paragraphs to the section on shots of alcohol.
Christian: I remember this. We had decided to go to Washougal up in Washington where they have BMX races and assign each biker to a racer and whichever racer won would be the quadracorn winner. It seemed like the next most obvious solution.
Unfortunately, we got pulled over just as we crossed the state border for doing an illegal pass on a four lane highway within a suburban designated area within a river bordering city limits while driving 30 mph over the speed limit.
It also turns out that it is illegal to transport more than one wild animal across the state lines and no matter how much we argued with the officer that Barbara was a cat he wasn’t convinced. I had told Pat we shouldn’t have brought the squirrel with us.
Pat: Yep. Maybe not the best idea. But, c’mon buddy, keep going! It turned out pretty good, didn’t it?
So...we ended up in jail, and that kinda’ sucked. But because of some bureaucratic glitch--seriously, it was bureaucracy...it was NOT us!-- we ended up in the WOMEN’S jail.
It certainly was not a result of my androgynous name and the fact that Christian’s name is often confused with an entire faith.
Christian: It also didn’t help that we were in our robes.
Pat: No, or the fact that we both imagined that women's prison was going to be a lot like some of the, umm...adult (for lack of a better word) films we’d seen. Lesbians, man...LOTS of lesbians!
Christian: There were lesbians. Two actually. A lovely couple, named Gloria and Pat. They were quite friendly.
Pat: I think they said they were arrested for illegally blocking the logging of Washougal’s last remaining stand of old growth firs. Pretty badass, yeah?
Christian: Totally. And I think they were pretty intimidated by us for having been arrested for transporting a squirrel across the state line along with an unidentified rat like creature (Barbara).
Pat: Yep. That’s badasser! Even crazier, hard as it is to believe, one of them--Gloria I think--had a tattoo on her inner right thigh. Know what it said?
Christian: I do. Because I was there. It said, “The Winner is Jeneral Insanity”
It was as sign from the Quadracorn portrait giveaway gods!
Jeneral Insanity is our winner! Congratulations Jeneral Insanity!
Pat: So, umm...hey Christian. How do we get your drawing to them? Are you going to email them a copy? Isn’t that a little insincere?
Christian: No. Remember I said thee original was to be woneth. That’s right. The original! So Jeneral Insanity, assuming you are OK with us knowing your mailing address (don’t worry we will never send you more than three or four of our diary entries a month. Five tops.) go ahead and e-mail it to us (see our contact us page) and we’ll send you the coveted Quadracorn portrait, pencil on notebook paper. We haven’t talked to the post office yet but we are assuming they’ll automatically provide some kind of squad of armed guards to transport it to your address. We’ll request extra snipers too.
Congratulations! And thanks to everyone that entered. You are the bestestses!