Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Quadracorn Winner!

Well today is the big day! The day that we announce the winner of our 100th Post-Quadracorn Artwork Giveaway!

In case you missed it we did our 100th post which can be found here, here, or here. Also here. In celebration of our 100th post we decided to give away an original piece of artwork by yours truly. It’s the coveted portrait of a Quadracorn I did with pencil on notebook paper.

Sorry Louvre, this one’s not yours.

But before we announce the winner we’re going to talk about how the winner was chosen to demonstrate the fairness and legality in choosing our winner. Hopefully this will help alleviate the inevitable rioting that will take place once the winner is announced.

Christian: First off we had to talk to our lawyers to make sure...

Pat: You mean Toby? That guy that’s always outside 7-11?

Christian: Yes. Toby. Anyways we had to make sure we took care of all the legal issues that typically come with giving away such a large and substantial prize. We wanted to make sure everything was sanctioned by the state, filed correctly and what have you. Maybe permits. Who knows.  

And once we bought Toby a Mickey’s Big Mouth™ he agreed to look over everything and told us we were good to go.

Now that the legal side of things were done, how were we to choose the winner? We wanted it to be fair and not show any special preference since we love all of our dearest cherished readers equally.

So we decided to gather up several neighborhood cats and attached a number for each entry to their tails. We then went to a local track and placed them all at the beginning of the hundred meter dash. They were in boxes at this point.

We then put several cans of Fancy Feast’s Flaked Salmon and Ocean Whitefish feast at the end of the finish line and decided whichever cat crossed the finish line first would decide the winner of the Quadracorn portrait.

We released the cats and they all took off running. Unfortunately they all took off running towards the woods nearby and no where near the finish line.

Pat:  Yeah...you know what they say about hindsight and 20 dollar bills, right? Well, so then we noticed that one of the cats didn’t really do anything and stayed behind at the starting line. And then we realized that it wasn’t one of our cats. Kinda’ scraggly and haggard looking. But it was really sweet!

So...we opted for a variation on good ole’ straw pulling. We decided that we’d pull hairs from the haggard cat, and each hair would be assigned to one entry, and the longest hair would win. Perfect!

Christian: Remind me again about how we knew which hair was for which entry?

Pat:  Duh! Simple numeration!

Christian: Oh yeah. Numeration. But it turned out that pretty much every hair on a cat is the same length, which we didn’t realize until the cat was about half bald. So we gave up on the hair pulling idea. But we did decide to name the cat Barbara.


Pat:  Yeah. What? Do they get haircuts or something? Geez!

So we then decided to get a bunch of quarters, and put an entry name on each one. Then, we filled up a little shot glass with, what, tequila? bourbon? vodka? I don’t know, but we filled it and then tried to throw the quarter into it. I remember throwing, like, four quarters.  

Christian: It was bourbon but the problem was that Barbara had drank the shot and knocked over the shot glass which we didn’t know until several hours and several quarters later.

Pat:  Hours? I thought we did that for fifteen minutes. Uh-oh.

In any case, quarters didn’t work either so we pinned each entry name to a night star, and then watched Barbara VERY closely to see which star she looked at first. But at that point in the night, a simple look wasn’t enough, so we decided that it had to be accompanied by an audible “meow” or “purr”.

Christian: And that is when we were attacked by a family of squirrels. I think they were going after all the Fancy Feast we had spilled on ourselves trying to open those damn cans. You know how hard it is to open a can of cat food without a can opener?

But fortunately for us Barbara was fueled with enough bourbon, hate, and lack of hair to fight most of them off. We did suffer a few squirrel bites and scratches, but on the plus side five of the squirrels now thought Barbara was their dad. And we knew we could use this to our advantage!

Pat:  Know why? Cause--weird as it sounds--this one squirrel seemed to REALLY glom onto us, like Barbara did before. Weird, huh? So we figured that we had to take our new cat and our new squirrel (by the way, we didn’t name him, because we didn’t want to become as attached to him as we had become to Barbara--squirrels die sooner, y’know!) to a new place and in Portland, Oregon that means Vancouver (Washington, not the cool Canadian one), in order to get new results.

Oh, if you’re confused at our logic at this point, read back a coupla’ paragraphs to the section on shots of alcohol.

Christian: I remember this. We had decided to go to Washougal up in Washington where they have BMX races and assign each biker to a racer and whichever racer won would be the quadracorn winner. It seemed like the next most obvious solution.

Unfortunately, we got pulled over just as we crossed the state border for doing an illegal pass on a four lane highway within a suburban designated area within a river bordering city limits while driving 30 mph over the speed limit.

It also turns out that it is illegal to transport more than one wild animal across the state lines and no matter how much we argued with the officer that Barbara was a cat he wasn’t convinced. I had told Pat we shouldn’t have brought the squirrel with us.

Pat:  Yep. Maybe not the best idea. But, c’mon buddy, keep going! It turned out pretty good, didn’t it?

So...we ended up in jail, and that kinda’ sucked. But because of some bureaucratic glitch--seriously, it was bureaucracy...it was NOT us!-- we ended up in the WOMEN’S jail.  

It certainly was not a result of my androgynous name and the fact that Christian’s name is often confused with an entire faith.

Christian: It also didn’t help that we were in our robes.

Pat:  No, or the fact that we both imagined that women's prison was going to be a lot like some of the, umm...adult (for lack of a better word) films we’d seen. Lesbians, man...LOTS of lesbians!

Christian: There were lesbians. Two actually. A lovely couple, named Gloria and Pat. They were quite friendly.

Pat:  I think they said they were arrested for illegally blocking the logging of Washougal’s last remaining stand of old growth firs. Pretty badass, yeah?

Christian: Totally. And I think they were pretty intimidated by us for having been arrested for transporting a squirrel across the state line along with an unidentified rat like creature (Barbara).

Pat:  Yep. That’s badasser! Even crazier, hard as it is to believe, one of them--Gloria I think--had a tattoo on her inner right thigh. Know what it said?

Christian:  I do. Because I was there. It said, “The Winner is Jeneral Insanity”

It was as sign from the Quadracorn portrait giveaway gods!

Jeneral Insanity is our winner! Congratulations Jeneral Insanity!

Pat:  So, umm...hey Christian. How do we get your drawing to them? Are you going to email them a copy? Isn’t that a little insincere?

Christian: No. Remember I said thee original was to be woneth. That’s right. The original! So Jeneral Insanity, assuming you are OK with us knowing your mailing address (don’t worry we will never send you more than three or four of our diary entries a month. Five tops.) go ahead and e-mail it to us (see our contact us page) and we’ll send you the coveted Quadracorn portrait, pencil on notebook paper. We haven’t talked to the post office yet but we are assuming they’ll automatically provide some kind of squad of armed guards to transport it to your address. We’ll request extra snipers too.

Congratulations! And thanks to everyone that entered. You are the bestestses!

39 comments:

  1. Wait, I did not enter. Is it too late to win? Because I could totally get in my time machine and go back to Toby and the feral cats and the lesbians and then I *COULD* win! Who the heck is this Jeneral Insanity, and does she not even know that General is with a "G" and not a "J" so how goofy is that (unless her real name is "Jen" and then it is actually a very clever play on words, Miss Jen, so my hat is off to you, please scratch what I just said or implied about you not being a goode speler).

    Maybe the Jeneral and I could split the portrait of the Quadracom, just rip it right down the middle, that seems fair, right? (I want the side with more teeth, so that is the left side as you are facing it, unless you ARE the Quadracom in which case it would be the right side of his face.)

    Geesh, I am hopped up on Valium and Vicodin from a back injury the other day, so that is why I am rambling. Sure, MOV, blame the drugs.

    What I meant to say, is "Congratulations to the lucky winner!"

    xxo
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
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    1. QuadraCORN. Not COM.

      Drugs, I tell you.

      Delete
    2. Back injury? That sucks.
      Valium? That's awesome.

      P.S. Hope you're feeling 100% soon. :)

      Delete
  2. That seems like a reasonable way to pick a winner. The imagery here was so great. I can't stop picturing you trying to open a Fancy Feast can above your head like you've never seen a can being opened before then having a family of squirrels flinging themselves at you from above. Also, I really really really want to see cat racing.
    Is Toby accepting new clients? I have this thing in North Dakota involving a hermaphrodite prostitute, eight grams of cocaine, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, a pygmy moose, Cardinal Steve Ranazzizi, ice fishing, and an underground yoga tournament that I need help clearing up.

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    1. It took us over 4 hours to open that can of Fancy Feast.

      Also, good news! Not only is Toby available but he happens to specialize in things in North Dakota involving a hermaphrodite prostitute, eight grams of cocaine, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, a pygmy moose, Cardinal Steve Ranazzizi, ice fishing, and an underground yoga tournament that I needs clearing up.

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  3. What? How come I didn't win? I bribed all the judges and eliminated the competition (my deepest condolences to the families), and yet I STILL didn't win?

    Never mind, at least the tale was hilarious. I have to thank you guys for all you've gone through to choose a winner. You're a pair of heroes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "...eliminated the competition (my deepest condolences to the families)"

      Sounds like you might be in need of Toby's services pretty soon here too. I'll send you his number. Wait.. who am I kidding, he doesn't have a phone.

      Delete
  4. Bah, Quadracorn poop! I was really looking forward to a romantic evening on the town with Quirky the Quardracorn. Yes, I already had a name picked out and everything.

    You know what? I'm glad you guys had so much trouble picking a winner! I hope you're super tired and your muscles are just a little bit sore! I also hope that squirrel made it back home okay.

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    1. Actually the squirrel is missing. Well, we know he's in my desk somewhere, but beyond that he's missing.

      Delete
  5. I can't believe I didn't win.

    I mean, I failed to enter... But still.

    :-)

    Pearl

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    Replies
    1. The one thing that Toby was sure about, besides his beer choice, was that the winner had to be someone that actually entered. Sorry.

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  6. I would argue about the result, but with such a highly scientific process to decide the winner, Jeneral won fair and square.

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  7. Oh guys! Thank you so much! I'm Jeneral Insanity! I was just pretending I didn't want the damn thing 'cause I thought I wouldn't get it. But now! Ohhhh. Lovely. Just lovely. I'll be sending you my snail mail address.

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    Replies
    1. Nice try. But because of the severe amazingness of the prize we are requiring the winner to provide us with a passport, original birth certificate, four other pieces of ID, and a DNA sampling from themselves and five strangers.

      Delete
  8. Damn. Damn. Damn. Could you send me a picture of you both instead? :P *wink*

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    1. We're assuming the *wink* part is implying that you want it to be a picture of both Pat and I, shirtless, riding a Qauadracorn up a partially erupting volcano somewhere in southern France. We'll get on that.

      Delete
    2. I would like to see that picture!

      Delete
    3. We're currently trying to save some money for airfare to France. Also trying to find a real living Quadracorn. We'll let you know once the picture is done.

      Delete
  9. I just died of sheer happiness. I squealed so hard when I read that you found the tattoo that I put on Gloria's leg when she was passed out at that bus station that I choked on excitement and died. But then I came back, because dead people can't hang pictures on the wall.

    Please tell me that you're going to autograph it... That would make it even more priceless than it already is.

    I know it's asking a lot, but could I possibly have the squirrel too? I already have a pair of underwear for him! It might take a lot of convincing to get ALF to take them off, but I'm sure it can be done. He has a drinking problem and frequently blacks out.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Look at you and your efficient ways! Getting a signed original AND possibly the squirrel to finally fill the underwear.
      *sniff* I am so proud of you! Congratulations!
      And also, you're still a jerk for not sending me your address even though I've asked. Damn you. I see, now, I should have ponied-up a picture of a four-horned unicorn. Gah.

      Delete
    2. Congratulations! The good news is, yes we can sign it. The bad news is, like I mentioned in a comment above, the squirrel has gone missing somewhere in my desk. If we ever find it though we'll ship it your way. I'm assuming FedEx as some kind of squirrel rate.

      Delete
  10. Jeneral Insanity, congrats, but you do realize you're also going to get Barbara and a squirrel, right?

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    1. The squirrel is still missing somewhere in my desk and Barbara has run off into the woods to raise that family of squirrels as her own. It's just like Old Yeller*.

      * I've never seen Old Yeller so I don't know if that is true or not.

      Delete
  11. To quote Luke Skywalker, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Well okay then. Congratulations Jeneral Insanity!

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    1. Look Trina, trying to butter us up by quoting Star Wars isn't going to change anything. Jeneral Insanity is the winner. But please continue with the Star Wars quotes.

      Delete
  12. I really thought it was the squirrel...a ninja squirrel from her army that had come to take the prize by force...that would have been the winnering of Le Jeneral.
    I was surprised to find it was really an inmate's thigh, though that totally makes sense, also.

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    1. So you're saying that the squirrel we tried to take across the border was one of Jeneral Insanity's ninja squirrels? And it was an inside job to rig the contest? We'll send this info to PCPPP's Rules and Regulations department to see what they say. Keep in mind we don't have said department so it could take awhile.

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  13. I guess I will just hold out for the octocorn...that;s coming, right?

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  14. I used to have a CAT called Barbara! True story! Barbara had 'tude, dude. As I'm sure yours does. Congrats Jeneral and um....all the best to that poor squirrel.

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    1. That's is awesome. This summer my sister's family got two kittens and I was this close to convincing them to name one of them Barbara but they went with some other lame name.

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  15. I hope you both were wearing clean underwear under those robes when you were arrested. Although after your stint in the pokey they probably weren't all that clean.

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    1. Underwear? It's 2013, who still wears underwear nowadays? Amiright?

      Delete
  16. Watch out, Jeneral. They might try to send you a rabid squirrel with that picture. Make sure you open the box with a hockey mask and a couple of oven mitts on.

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    Replies
    1. Don't be silly. We're going to include a hockey mask and oven mitts in the package too.

      Delete
  17. Oh gosh durn it! I didn't enter and thus, I didn't win the quadracorn! Five minutes ago I didn't even know it existed, but now I am not sure I'll ever be happy again because I don't have it. Sigh.

    But good job picking anyway. It definitely topped all of my giveaways :)

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