Thursday, August 29, 2013

I Hate Everything...

Hey buddy. So, the other day I was facilitating a meeting of high school social studies teachers--oh, sorry...lotsa people are fascinated when I say that and want to know what such a thing is like so I let them know it’s a lot like the Vatican conclave, only we allow some women and there’s no smoke because that’s against fire codes--and my colleagues let me know that they were a little tired of my “nice guy” shtick. See...I tend to be nice to people at the meetings I’m facilitating, and while usually that keeps me in good favor with the participants, apparently this time it ran its course.

So I tried being not nice, or the opposite of nice, or un-nice, or...just kinda’ dicky, and guess what? I really liked it!

Now, I know that you’ve come to think of me as synonymous with rainbows and koala bears and Desmond Tutu, but I’ve gotta’ warn you--you might start seeing more of dick-Pat, ‘cause I got a whiff of the bile and now I have a taste for it!

And you know what...it’s going to start RIGHT here, RIGHT now! I’m going to devote this post to all the things I HATE (yes, I know...that’s a very strong word), and indulge my inner dick. You can play along, but if you don’t want to, that’s cool. I completely understand.

Pat:  So...in this festival of hate, you know what I hate more than almost anything (until I think of the next thing I hate)? Stupid little annoying yipper dogettes. Hate the fuckers. Tried to get some reading done outside a coffee shop on a beautiful afternoon while my daughter was in a dance class next door, and this little vest-wearing chihuahua (<--hate that stupid name too! Not the state in Mexico, just the dog name) kept barking his miniature ass off ‘til his owner came out of the shop. I kinda’ wanted to kick it into the intersection, but I don’t think that’s legal to do. I was polite enough to turn off my cell phone; the least the dog could have done was silence his barker, or put it on vibrate.


Christian: You had a group of high school social studies teachers tell you that they are tired of you being nice? And now you hate tiny dogs?

Pat: No. I’ve always hated tiny dogs. It’s just that now--because of the teachers of our nations’ youth--I’m willing to say it out loud.  

Christian: Out of my way fuck-o! You’re full of crap!

Pat:  What?

Christian: You’re right. Being mean and hateful is fun.

I hate fancy water.

Wow! This IS exhilarating!

No.

Feel free to list off something else you hate but then can you give me an example of how you were not nice while herding those teachers.

Pat: Oh, don’t get me wrong. When I said I tried being not nice, it was a really lame attempt at trying. Like, I apologized afterwards for using harsh words and sounding so stern. But the 15 or so seconds between saying those harsh things sternly and apologizing, I felt REALLY good!

And get this--back at the same place where that little yipper dog was antagonizing me, I found a new thing I hate. I was trying to enjoy a nice afternoon while sipping a beer and reading a book, but was completely distracted by the couple at the table directly in front of me. Know what they were doing? Drinking beer, and MASSAGING EACH OTHERS NAKED FEET. Eww! And they were doing it in that gross, super tantric sexual kinda’ way, which made it so I couldn’t even finish my beer (‘cause it was kinda’ cloudy, and that made me think some of their toe or foot detritus had floated in there). Yuck! I HATED them!

Christian:  There should be laws against that kind of thing. Not finishing your beer is a crime against humanity.

Since you are all into hate right now maybe you could suggest something new and exciting for me to hate. As you may recall we did post awhile back where I talked about how I hate all bicyclists. Well I have recently purchased a bike and have now started biking to work and other places around town. Don’t get me wrong I still hate all bicyclists but to be honest, now that I’m a bicyclist, it’s kind of taken the fun out of hating them.

Do you have any suggestions for something cool and hip that I could start hating instead? I need something bigger than public foot massages or tiny dogs. Even bigger than public tiny dog foot massagers.

Pat:  Well...where are you lately on lawn-mowing, running or weather-people? We covered each of those earlier, though it seemed those were things you detested rather than hated.

(I don’t mean to parse words, buddy, but I want to make sure we’re talking about the same emotions)

Do you want to return to one of those topics?

Umm...I’ve had mixed feelings about testoster-rock bands like Insane Clown Posse. Not sure if I’d go so far as to say I hated them--as we all know the LAST thing you need working against you is a horde of juggalos--but I could pretend for the sake of argument.

Christian: Yeah I really don’t care for Insane Clown Posse and the like, but because of that they rarely cross my path. I need something that I will encounter regularly that gives me more opportunities for hate. That’s what I’m looking for.

How about our readers, do you guys have any good hate suggestions for me?

32 comments:

  1. Did they explain why they didn't like you being nice? Oh, maybe that's it, Christian, it's right in front of you, you can hate disingenuousness. No, wait, never mind, that sounds like a Miss America answer. If you want a hipstery thing to hate, you can hate Game of Thrones. If you want to be controversial you can hate handicapped drivers (Grrrrr, they're so terrible at driving because they're at a disadvantage!). Or you can hate those people who say, "hate is such a strong word." No crap, that's why I said it!
    Now I'm getting all flustered. I'm getting the hate-sweats.

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    1. No...they just said, "Quit being so fucking nice."

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  2. I hate people who say "well, that's your opinion." Yes! Yes it is my opinion! Now, are you going to further the discussion with a counter point or opinion of you own, or are you going to stand there like a vacuous waste?

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    1. That's a good one.

      "well, that's your opinion." == "you're wrong and I don't want to talk about it anymore"

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  3. When I was in first grade a couple of centuries ago, there was little girl in my class who I really liked. I told her I liked her and she said na na na, I hate you!. So I told her I hated her. And we all began hating each other. I'm never telling anyone I like you again. I hate you guys!

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    1. Oh jeez! Why didn't you guys just take a knife and stab me in the heart? Okay, I'll come clean. I like y'all too. But sometime in the future I better not show up on your hate list!

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    2. David...I hate you. But I teach high school, and the kids today tell me that the kids today say "hate" when they mean "like". It's like "bad" means "good", and "dope" means good, and "fly" means good. I guess a lot of things are "good". And I guess I teach a lot of students from 1992.

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  4. I hate the word "panties" and I also hate liver. I hate when people go on gluten free diets even though they aren't allergic to gluten and expect me to do the same even though I am also not allergic to gluten. I hate when I am trying to paint and my husband comes into my studio to watch Asian news on PBS because he turns it up louder than a rock concert. Then he yells for me to "come see this" but it's never anything interesting.

    This hate-list talk does feel good. Also, if my husband ever reads this I am totally just kidding, Honey.

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    1. Ooooh, there are some good ones here. I'm going to refrain from commenting on the gluten free one since it strikes rather close to home and I don't want to name any names and my wife might read this.

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    2. I really like the word "panties". But I bet you knew that already.

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  5. You know how when you're walking, obeying logic and traffic rules and some Minorcan stops the flow of traffic so you can cross the street? They give you that wave of feigned politeness but really they're just trying to tell you what to do and have all the power. Man, that pisses me off.

    Also, feet are gross Pat but there is NO EXCUSE to not finish a beer.

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    1. Also also, I don't mean real Minorcans I'm just trying not to say the word retard. Don't you think Minorcan is a good substitute???

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    2. Not quite sure what a Minorcan is. I googled it and a bunch of stuff about some Spanish island came up. Therefore I'm assuming that you hate people that stop traffic on this Spanish island as you are trying to cross it by foot. Thanks. I'll add that to my list.

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    3. I think that's Majorca (The Spanish spell it "M-A-L-L-O-R-C-A). Know what I hate. Geography know-it-alls!

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  6. I hate that they changed the SciFi channel to SyFy which relates to my next hate - spelling and grammar errors, especially on signs, like the Historcial Marker on the side of the highway that was paid for with our tax dollars, that wasn't hysterical or historical. I hate whiners but I like wine. I like cursing but only when I do it, otherwise it's just trashy. I'm venting. I hate double-standards too.

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    1. I hate the SyFy thing too. I'm not sure how you are supposed to say it but here at work a few of us now call it the Sifee channel.

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  7. I have a lot of things I hate right now---- So this post was perfect for my mood. I think it's hilarious that you hate bicyclists and are one. Epic! :)

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    1. Oh they are a horrible bunch of people. All of them. Just the other day I blew through a stop sign. I absolutely hate it when bicyclist do that.

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  8. I hate when people respond to unrelated Facebook posts with questions. Like, someone shares, "my dog has cancer" and then some person is like, "Shelly! Are you going to McDonald's tomorrow?" WRONG.

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    1. Pat, have you figured out which day next week works best for you to grab a beer?

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    2. Thursday is just fine. How is your dad's chronic fibromyalgia? Terminal still?

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  9. I hate indecisiveness... I think... Well, maybe not completely, since you can't rush really important decisions like which which type Hot Pockets you want when you only have enough money for one or something like that. So, maybe, I guess I don't hate indecisiveness... But it really annoys me when people do it so I probably think I do...

    That aside, I totally love this idea. From now on I'm going to be more of a dick at work too. Of course, I'm the only one who has actually been showing up at the office for almost a month now and I don't expect that to change anytime soon...

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    1. I'm not sure yet if I like your post. I need some time to think it over. I'll get back to you.

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  10. Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.

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    1. Nah...they're fine. It's the Indiana Nazi's that really get my goat.

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  11. When people say "well, it is what it is."
    Congratulations, you just wasted breath on NOTHING.
    Hopped over from Finding the Funny!

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    1. Yeah...that's certainly how things go. Not much we can do about it. Whatever. My bad.

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  12. Let's hate bloggers!! We'll only like those who do it in the 'cool' way, but we'll be the only ones who know what the cool way is. Then we can patronize everyone and they won't even know why. It will be so fun!

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    1. I kinda' assumed that's how we were already operating.

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  13. You know, my wife has one of those little vest-wearing chihuahuas. And its name is Jonathan. And I hate that as much as I hate chihuahuas, I can't hate him. I just can't.

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