"You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth" Review Extravaganza Bonanza-Palooza

It’s time for another PCPPP book review! As many will recall, a while back we did a review of the book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” which contained a plethora of essays written by women bloggers, about finding the humor in being a mother. Naturally they called on us to do a review.  This time around we’re reviewing “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” which is described as

“...39 (mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women.”

Again, a perfect fit for us. Of course we are assuming that they are trying to break into the macho chainsaw-mechanic type demographic that we are so often associated with. Or more likely… due to our slightly androgynous names they think we are two women. Either way we are super stoked to review the book!*

To the Amazon!

Our friend Meredith over at Mom of the Year was nice enough to send us a copy for review and once we got it we immediately tore into it. Now we know what you are thinking: “You two macho guys with incredible fashion sense only review books that people ask you to review.” This is not true. We did recently do a review of The Bible and despite all the rumors that are out there, God did not ask us to review it**.

Anyways let’s get to the reviewing...

Christian: First off, I just assumed there would be a lot of pillow fighting ending in kissing in this book but unfortunately not only was there very little of that there was none.

However the very first chapter was about breasts and I was like SOLD!!! Five stars! Let’s wrap this review up!

Pat: Yeah...sorry Christian. No cute pillow fights in this one, but you’re spot on with the breast talk! And lots of vaginas too, just like in the last book. Which is funny. Because I thought it was just us guys who liked to talk about our junk. I didn’t know that women talked about their junk too. Wait. Not that I think it’s junk. I think it’s beautiful. Beautiful junk. Wait. Vaginas...not junk.  

Wait.

I liked the book. There. Can we be done? I’m doing that thing again where I’m saying things that I’m going to have to apologize for later.

Christian: The last book we reviewed? The Bible? I don’t remember there being a lot of vaginas in it. Wait are you talking about the parting of the Red Sea?

Pat:  No. But I think you’re onto something. Moses and the Red Sea, AND every Georgia O’Keefe painting I’ve ever seen do a LOT to remind me of vaginas.

I’m talking about a lot of the stories in the book. Consider the premise. “You have lipstick on your teeth” is apparently something women say to each other in the “powder” room. And, apparently, after they say that, they then talk about their breasts and vaginas.

Turns out there’s a WORLD of vaginal breast talk going on behind closed doors in powder rooms. How do we get into one of those?

Christian: I have no idea but I bet Moses knew how. That guy was a traveler.

Pat:  Speaking of travellers, I’d like to jump right into some of my favorite quotations from the book. Number one goes to Kim Bongiorno (from Let Me Start By Saying) for making me think of travelers--clowns in particular-- when she described her “honey pot” in the following manner:  

“We don’t have uteruses. We have really wet clown cars.”

Revolting, terrifying...and weirdly sexy all in one sentence. Well played, Kim.

True dat.

Christian: Is that in Revelations?

Pat: Dammit Christian we’re not talking about the Bible anymore. Duh! We’re talking about the lipstick book.

Christian: Oh. Okay gotcha. Another cool aspect of the book (the lipstick book, not the Bible) is that despite the fact that I am a very manly man-dude, I still found it relatable. For example who can’t relate to Allison Hart’s (from Motherhood, WTF?) story of having the CEO of your company walk in on you in the bathroom as you use a tampon to floss out a piece of your very own business card from your own teeth. I mean I can’t. But it makes for a great story.

Pat:  Oh. I can.

Christian:  That’s unfortunate.

Pat:  Yeah. Well, maybe not. Whatever.  

Know what else is unfortunate? Imagine having a conversation with your grandma about playing with yourself. If I understood her story correctly, that is EXACTLY what Angela Shelton (from Angela Shelton) experienced. Consider:

“Well get into the shower with a soapy washcloth and take care of it then.”

“It”, it turns out, is the need to feel satisfied. And the soapy washcloth? That’s the...thing doing the satisfying (penis? hand? handsome cucumber?).

And the speaker? GRANDMA!!!!

THAT’S unfortunate.

Christian: Are you sure? Maybe you're just interpreting it sexually. It could have just been that there was a really tough spot of grime that was achingly hard in between some moist tiles, just begging to be cleansed?

Pat:  Hey man. I’m not one to judge what you and your wife consider “dirty talk”, so...yeah. It could have been that. Sure.

Christian: Our bathroom is very clean.

Pat: And speaking of masturbation, I kinda’ dug Dawn Weber’s (from Lighten Up) story about downloadable apps devoted to full utilization of the “vibrate” ring tone phones so intimately offer. Never knew a device could love you so much!

Christian: That poor phone. They should have added an 11th commandment that said “Thou shalt not seek pleasure from thy telephone devices.” Of course that would have made no sense back then since they hadn’t invented pleasure yet.

So did you only pay attention to the ones about sexual masturbation and vaginal breast talk?

Pat:  Yep. Pretty much. And...I think there were other stories--stories about sisterhood and friendship and commiseration and hardship and bonds and history--but they didn’t stand out to me as profoundly as the stories about boobs and vaginas. I don’t know...maybe they didn’t use enough adjectives.

Christian: And there was that one about how no part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any means without permission..

Pat:  Oh..no...that was just the copyright. They have those in every book. I don’t think they mean anything.

Christian: Well, I found it riveting.

Pat: So...BIG thanks go to Meredith at Mom of the Year for hooking us up with this fantastic piece of vaginal literature. If we convinced you to look into this book (psst!  clown-car vaginas! what more do you need?!), look for it in hardback, at the Library of Congress, and at places like Amazon...and it’s also available as an e-book.

(Christian, what’s an ‘e-book’?)

Christian: I think it involves electricity and stems from that story in The Bible where Ben Franklin brought light to the last supper with his magical kites. Which by the way is another example of a story from The Bible that makes no mention of vaginas.

If God is serious about making this writing thing a career he needs to take a lesson from these lipstick women and throw in a vagina here and there.

*’Cause it’s the second free thing we’ve ever gotten!!! How cool is that?! Pretty damn cool!

** Or DID he?