Revisiting Christian's Issues

Way back in May and June of 2011, Christian and I discussed two specific activities taken up by many an aging man in our hometown of Portland, Oregon--lawn-mowing and running. In those posts, I tried to convince Christian of the merits and benefits of each activity, firmly believing myself that each one makes me a more righteous, ethical, handsome and charismatic person. I couldn’t convince him. Also, while he once ranted against some of our town’s bicycle riders, he has now become one himself. Rather than call him a hypocrite, I thought it might be nice to see if, in the over two years since those first discussions, he’s changed his perspective at all.

Pat:  Well, Christian? What do you say. Have you had some time to break out those shoes and hit the pavement or trail? Or...have you reconsidered the joy inherent in a nicely mowed lawn? And tell me about your experiences on the bike. Please.

Anything you want to say that might indicate that I was right would be fine.

Christian: You couldn’t be more wrong. First off I’m not a hypocrite with regards to the bike thing. In that post, as you’ll recall, I talked about how I hate all bicyclists. Even though I have now become one, I still hate them all. So no waffling there.

As for running and lawn mowing, I still greatly dislike both but feel they are a necessary evil. Running because its important to exercise and lawn mowing because I’m tired of bringing my neighbor’s property values down. I did try to combine the two, to kill two birds with one stone, but it turns out I hate running while mowing the lawn even more.

And I still haven't experienced runner’s high. Although I did once have the entire left side of my body go numb, I then smelled sulfur and saw a bunch of dead relatives of mine trying to usher me towards a bright light. Is that runner’s high?

Pat: No, not really. At least not any high I’ve experienced.

(psst! By the way...I might have tried running in a state some might refer to as “high” one time. Not advisable.)

So it sounds like you have fully embraced the health-focused, landscaping lifestyle! I’m proud of you, Christian. Really. It takes a lot to change our patterns and lifestyles, and it sounds like you have made a truly mediocre and half-hearted attempt to embrace some new practices.

What do you have in mind for the next steps of your paradigm shift, buddy?

Christian: Nothing. That’s all there is.

Oh... I guess I did recently turn to a lifestyle of extreme religion and became a devout born-again snake handler. But other than that, nothing else.

Pat: Well, that’s a start. Are any of the snakes fast? Can you run away from them as a form of exercise?

Oh! Or can you sprinkle them across your lawn as a way to make mowing just a little bit more fun? If you see them as pets, then I’m really sorry. That last bit was maybe a little morbid. If not though...chunk ‘em up!

Christian: Well since I’m still relatively new to my Snake Church they haven’t let me handle any real snakes yet. Mostly just ropes and hoses right now. Although I have been bitten several times. Not by snakes.

One thing I have learned though is that you aren’t supposed to run from the snakes. Or hoses in my case. They are to be handled. Repeatedly. Lots and lots of handling. I think the idea is that if you can handle snakes you can beat the devil. Or something like that.

They speak a lot in tongues so I still don’t fully understand everything. I’ve had a hard time finding a translation app for my phone that does tongues to English so until then it will probably be slow going for me. Looking forward to that first real snake handling though.

Pat: The snakes speak? That’s weird. Or...wait. Do they do something with their tongues? Wait. Did you mean the snakes or the people. WHO THE HELL IS SPEAKING?!!?

Christian: Jesus Pat, the people are speaking in tongues not the snakes. We don’t talk to snakes. We just hold them deathly close to our major arteries as a way of showing Jesus we love him and that we are ready to fight cloven hooved demons for him. We’re not idiots.  

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go practice sucking poison out of puncture wounds.

I Hate Everything...

Hey buddy. So, the other day I was facilitating a meeting of high school social studies teachers--oh, sorry...lotsa people are fascinated when I say that and want to know what such a thing is like so I let them know it’s a lot like the Vatican conclave, only we allow some women and there’s no smoke because that’s against fire codes--and my colleagues let me know that they were a little tired of my “nice guy” shtick. See...I tend to be nice to people at the meetings I’m facilitating, and while usually that keeps me in good favor with the participants, apparently this time it ran its course.

So I tried being not nice, or the opposite of nice, or un-nice, or...just kinda’ dicky, and guess what? I really liked it!

Now, I know that you’ve come to think of me as synonymous with rainbows and koala bears and Desmond Tutu, but I’ve gotta’ warn you--you might start seeing more of dick-Pat, ‘cause I got a whiff of the bile and now I have a taste for it!

And you know what...it’s going to start RIGHT here, RIGHT now! I’m going to devote this post to all the things I HATE (yes, I know...that’s a very strong word), and indulge my inner dick. You can play along, but if you don’t want to, that’s cool. I completely understand.

Pat:  So...in this festival of hate, you know what I hate more than almost anything (until I think of the next thing I hate)? Stupid little annoying yipper dogettes. Hate the fuckers. Tried to get some reading done outside a coffee shop on a beautiful afternoon while my daughter was in a dance class next door, and this little vest-wearing chihuahua (<--hate that stupid name too! Not the state in Mexico, just the dog name) kept barking his miniature ass off ‘til his owner came out of the shop. I kinda’ wanted to kick it into the intersection, but I don’t think that’s legal to do. I was polite enough to turn off my cell phone; the least the dog could have done was silence his barker, or put it on vibrate.

Don't try that cute shit on me, you little fucker!

Christian: You had a group of high school social studies teachers tell you that they are tired of you being nice? And now you hate tiny dogs?

Pat: No. I’ve always hated tiny dogs. It’s just that now--because of the teachers of our nations’ youth--I’m willing to say it out loud.  

Christian: Out of my way fuck-o! You’re full of crap!

Pat:  What?

Christian: You’re right. Being mean and hateful is fun.

I hate fancy water.

Wow! This IS exhilarating!

No.

(source)

Feel free to list off something else you hate but then can you give me an example of how you were not nice while herding those teachers.

Pat: Oh, don’t get me wrong. When I said I tried being not nice, it was a really lame attempt at trying. Like, I apologized afterwards for using harsh words and sounding so stern. But the 15 or so seconds between saying those harsh things sternly and apologizing, I felt REALLY good!

And get this--back at the same place where that little yipper dog was antagonizing me, I found a new thing I hate. I was trying to enjoy a nice afternoon while sipping a beer and reading a book, but was completely distracted by the couple at the table directly in front of me. Know what they were doing? Drinking beer, and MASSAGING EACH OTHERS NAKED FEET. Eww! And they were doing it in that gross, super tantric sexual kinda’ way, which made it so I couldn’t even finish my beer (‘cause it was kinda’ cloudy, and that made me think some of their toe or foot detritus had floated in there). Yuck! I HATED them!

Christian:  There should be laws against that kind of thing. Not finishing your beer is a crime against humanity.

Since you are all into hate right now maybe you could suggest something new and exciting for me to hate. As you may recall we did post awhile back where I talked about how I hate all bicyclists. Well I have recently purchased a bike and have now started biking to work and other places around town. Don’t get me wrong I still hate all bicyclists but to be honest, now that I’m a bicyclist, it’s kind of taken the fun out of hating them.

Do you have any suggestions for something cool and hip that I could start hating instead? I need something bigger than public foot massages or tiny dogs. Even bigger than public tiny dog foot massagers.

Pat:  Well...where are you lately on lawn-mowing, running or weather-people? We covered each of those earlier, though it seemed those were things you detested rather than hated.

(I don’t mean to parse words, buddy, but I want to make sure we’re talking about the same emotions)

Do you want to return to one of those topics?

Umm...I’ve had mixed feelings about testoster-rock bands like Insane Clown Posse. Not sure if I’d go so far as to say I hated them--as we all know the LAST thing you need working against you is a horde of juggalos--but I could pretend for the sake of argument.

Christian: Yeah I really don’t care for Insane Clown Posse and the like, but because of that they rarely cross my path. I need something that I will encounter regularly that gives me more opportunities for hate. That’s what I’m looking for.

How about our readers, do you guys have any good hate suggestions for me?