Thursday, March 21, 2013

I'm Real! (really!)

It has come to my attention that some members of our loyal blaudience have started posting comments that question whether or not I exist. No...that’s not right. It’s more like they just don’t acknowledge me.  

I think they think I’m a literary alter-ego used by Christian to engage in conversations or arguments with himself. That seems weird, but...whatever.

Having spent some time thinking on it, I’ve realized that it’s a really weird feeling to have people not aware of your actual existence.

Pat:  Christian, before I slip into a deep, dark existential fit of angst-ridden malaise, would you mind assuring our friends and followers that I do in fact exist?

Christian: Well to be honest with you I hadn’t put much thought into it before, but you bring up some pretty good points here. How do I know that you aren’t just a figment of my imagination? I have a pretty strong imagination. For example: Laser-shooting butterflies soaring through heaps of asteroid dust. See? I totally just made that up.

Pat: Hmm. Well, that’s a good question. Let me think on it...

Got it! If I were a figment of your imagination, then I should be able to come up with some weird-ass sentence like you did above.

Let me try:

“Peanut butter sandwiches on wheat bread”

Is that comparable? If so, then I might just in fact be a figment of your imagination. If not, then I am likely my own self, right? My own dull, unimaginative, boring self.

Christian: I don’t know, that seems unnecessarily confusing. Which is totally something I would do, so that doesn’t really help your case. What else ya got?

Pat:  I pinched myself and it hurt (not real bad...don’t worry--just a little twinge), and I doubt you felt it. If I were a figment of your imagination, I think you might have gotten a headache or something.


Christian: But I do have a headache. Granted I’ve only eaten cheez-its and scotch for the past five meals but how do I know the headache isn’t from you pinching ourselves?

Pat: You EAT scotch? How? Does it involve gelatin? I’ve heard of frat boys doing that. Hmm....interesting.

Hey...did you have any gas today? I ate WAY too many roasted veggies last night--y’know, like broccoli and cauliflower and beets and stuff--and they haven’t been too friendly to me. Anyway, assuming we are the same person now, I just wanted to apologize for any inconvenience--or embarrassment--I mighta’ caused you.

Christian: OK, you’ve convinced me. I hate cauliflower to no end therefore would never have eaten it. Well done.

But now how do we convince our dearest cherished readers that you are real? Sure there’s pictures of two different guys up there in our banner but I’m guessing a lot of our readers just assume we stole a couple of photos of some underwear models and threw them up there.

Pat: You don’t think they’re getting me confused with Maya Angelou, do you? I know it sounds funny, but I actually get that alot.  

Should we put name tags on our pictures? That always makes a person look more official. Y’know, like at professional conferences.

Christian: We could but does that really prove that you are real? I mean don’t get me wrong, you have convinced me, but I could slap a name tag on a picture of anybody and call it Pat. How do we convince our dearest cherished readers that you are real?

This is a tough one.

What about posting a picture of you holding today’s newspaper?

Pat: Naked?

Christian: No.

Pat: Please? I can hold it in the right spot. (and by “the right spot”, I think you and I both know what I’m talking about, yeah?)

Christian: Dammit Pat, but I don’t want to know what you’re talking about! That’s the point.

Fine. If the only way you are willing to post a picture of yourself with today’s newspaper is to be naked then go ahead. I guess it would be fine since it’s for the benefit of our readers.

Pat:  Should it be a newspaper with color pictures or should we just stick with the classic black-and-white?

Christian: Ugh... I don’t care.

Pat:  ‘ we go...

What do you think? Proof enough?

Christian: Hmmm... I guess so. I appreciate how it’s lacking in nudity but there is something off with the picture that I just can’t put my finger on. I guess it’s up to our readers to decide if you really exist or not. And I’m going to be upfront with you, I plan on just going with whatever they decide.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

I'm Inadvertantly Stalking a HGTV House Hunters Couple, What Do I Do?

Here at PCPPP we often like to have a healthy discourse on a wide range of topics in hopes of presenting multiple sides of an issue until everyone is in agreement that I am right and Pat is wrong. But other times we use this forum to seek advice. This post is the latter.

This is going to be like one of those Dear Abby things where someone, me in this case, finds themselves in some awkward social situation and doesn’t know what the proper behavior should be. Granted, that describes the majority of my daily interactions but for this post I have a very specific situation that I have found myself in a couple of times now and I’m not sure I’m handling it correctly.

Basically the title of this post says it all. I’m inadvertently stalking a HGTV House Hunters couple. Here’s the backstory.

Many moons ago I was watching an episode of House Hunters and it turned out the couple was from Portland (the one in Oregon. Where Pat and I live). As I got into the episode I noticed that not only were they looking for a house in my city but they were also looking for a house in my neighborhood.

Anyhoo, they eventually bought a house so I turned off the TV and went back to working on my Cap N’ Crunch fan-fiction*.

A few months later I was at a neighborhood tacqueria** when I noticed a couple that looked familiar to me but I couldn’t remember from where. I didn’t say anything but on my way home I realized I recognized them from the show.

Artist rendering of what the couple did not look like.

Over the next year or so I’ve randomly bumped into them multiple times around our neighborhood. Mostly at our local park. They have kids around the ages of my kids so I have even spoken with the wife a couple of times.

The first time I spoke with her (and it should be noted that she began the conversation) I thought about mentioning House Hunters but by that time it had been a couple of years since I saw the show so that seemed weird.

But the conversation was odd because I already knew stuff about them from the show, like what they do for a living, how long they have lived in the neighborhood, etc. which if I hadn’t kept randomly seeing them around town I probably would have long forgotten. But I pretended to not know that stuff while I talked to her.

So Pat, should I have mentioned that I recognized them from House Hunters right away, even though it had been years since the episode aired, or did I handle the situation correctly by not saying anything? Or should I have coyly said something like “Hey House Hunters is a fun show right?” or “Hey, you ever wonder what happens to those House Hunters couples?” and see where that takes me?

Pat:  Yes. You should have. I’m a firm believer in the act of airing the awkwardness early on in the relationship, even if the relationship is largely centered around toddlers at a park.

‘Course, believing in the act doesn’t always bear the fruits I hope it does. I think I have a tendency to freak people out with my creepy knowledge of their lives. Kinda’ the inverse of oversharing. makes ME feel better. So...whatcha’ gonna’ do?

Christian: Ah yes like on the occasion where we met for the very first time and you told me how much you admired the way I organized my underwear drawer. That was creepy indeed.

So are you advising that the next time I inevitably run into them that I tell them that I remember them from the House Hunters show? Or did I miss that opportunity? If you think I should, how should I broach the topic?

Pat:  What about leading in with something like, “Hey, I think I just figured out why you seem so familiar to me...

Wait...I think I just gave you actual advice, free from humor or sarcasm. Hmm. That’s no fun.

How ‘bout this? Next time you see them, say “Hey, how are you?” and then swiftly kick them in the crotch.

Yeah...that one seemed much more fun! Give it a go and let me know what happens.

Christian: OK, there’s another aspect to this that I haven’t mentioned that may change things. Since seeing this couple on House Hunters I have learned that House Hunters is rigged. My wife met a different couple awhile back that reached the interview portion of getting on the show. They told her that to qualify to be on the show you have to have already bought a house. The show then picks a couple of other houses and then films you going through those two and the one you already bought. The couples then pretend to debate over which one they are going to “buy”.

Additionally there was an article that came out last year sometime that talked about how the show is rigged. I would google it to get a link but the search bar is so far away. Practically all the way on the other side of the screen, so I’ll pass.

Anyways, does this change your opinion on how I should handle the situation? Maybe I should lead in with “Hey, I just remembered how I know you are a total sham...”

Pat:   Fuckers, man, they’re all just a bunch of lying fuckers. I hate people. Don’t talk to me anymore. Just for a little while.

Christian: OK got it. Call them lying fuckers and then move on. Thanks for the advice.

* Don’t worry everyone. This was before I started working on my Jared from Subway fan-fiction which is now my top priority.

** Spanish for taco purchasing location.