Best Christmas Song

Tis the season to be tis-ing things and since we both have strong opinions on music I thought we should try and pin down what is the best Christmas song of all time. Plus I know how much Pat loves narrowing down an impossibly broad scope of work into a singular representative as the pinnacle of that medium.

I’m pretty sure I have the correct answer to this one Pat, so I’ll let you start.

Pat:  Can we do Columbus Day songs, instead?  I’m much better with those.

If not, I’m going with Band-Aid’s, Do They Know It’s Christmastime?  I’m going with that for two reasons.

1.  It contains the voices or instrumentation of nearly all of my favorite bands from my early teen years.  Those mostly British new wave-y bands (MUCH cooler than the USA for Africa people, anyway!  Well, except for Dylan and Springsteen).

2.  For you to refute it--which, given the slightly dated nature of it and the preponderance of far more “classic” tunes--would illuminate you as an insensitive jerk, blind to the plight of millions of now-40-something Ethiopians who might just have starved 30 years ago if it weren’t for Sir Bob Geldof and his friends.  You’re not going to be a jerk, are you?

Oh...if we’re going with Columbus Day songs, I’m going with Indian Reservation by Paul Revere and the Raiders.  More of an anti-Columbus Day song, I know, but it’s how I celebrate it.

Christian: I don’t know. There’s just something about Bob Geldof that doesn’t seem that Christmasy.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

(source)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good song. I do like it and enjoy listening to it around the holidays but best Christmas song of all time? Not a Frosty the Snowman’s chance in hell.

You should try again.

Pat:  No, YOU try.  I’m sticking with it.  And PLEASE don’t suggest “Frosty…”  That song drives me nuts.

Christian: A Holly Jolly Christmas.

Just saying the title makes me hear Burl Ives in my earhole.  Ahhh…

I win, right?

Pat:  I do like me some Burl Ives, and I agree that to go with anyone else is near sacrilege, but…no.  You’re not going to win me over with the rotund bearded grandpa singing the folksy exit song from “Rudolph…”.

I’m sticking with Band-Aid.

But fine, if you don’t like that one, then I’m going pagan traditional on your ass and marking The Holly and the Ivy.  I’d like to see you just TRY to refute tradition (and pagans, man...please be careful when you’re refuting pagans!).

Christian: That song about berries and deer? Is Santa Claus even mentioned in it anywhere? How can you go with that one? Sure it’s a pretty song. But it’s not very fun. Or festive.

The Best Christmas song should put a smile on your face, not make you want to walk out into the woods alone, to second guess all of your life decisions.

Do They Know It’s Christmastime? was a much better choice than The Holly and the Ivy. You’re going in the wrong direction Pat.

Pat:  Where the hell did you get “deer” from The Holly and the Ivy?  Berries, sure, but I don’t think deer are even mentioned anywhere in the song.

Come to think of it, I don’t think anything is mentioned in the song.  I think it’s instrumental.

(Just fact checked this.  Kinda’ embarrassed.  Turns out not only are there words to the song--lots of them in fact--but holly, ivy, berries, and deer are all mentioned.  My bad.  Sorry.)

Yep, I’ll stick with my first gambit.  Do They Know It’s Christmastime it is!

And hey!  Did you know that Burl Ives played Big Daddy in Cat On a Hot Tin Roof?

Still feeling holly and jolly?

Christian:  I always wondered what he looked like once all that snow melted off of him.

I went ahead and consulted with the judges (my two cats) and it has officially been decided that you are disqualified from choosing best Christmas song. I don’t know which is worse: The fact that you suggested a song that you thought was an instrumental song but wasn’t or the fact that you selected a song that you thought was an instrumental song.

How on Earth could you suggest an instrumental song (although mistakenly) as best Christmas song? You can’t sing along with an instrumental Pat.

I don’t think you are qualified enough to make this decision. In fact you are DISQUALIFIED!

Disqualified! Meow!

(source)

Pat:  I think we might celebrate Christmas differently.  Our celebrations involve no cats, and certainly no animals with man-hands.  Stars on treetops, garlands on mantles, nutcrackers on shelves...but no man-cats.

Christian: The man-cat Christmas tradition originates from the birth of Christ.

Very few people know this but there are actually two versions of this story. The more popular one is where the three wise men show up and hand out parting gifts and all, but there is another version that says there was zero three wise men. Just a bunch of feral cats running around. They were in a stable after all.

I think most scholars agree, it’s nearly impossible to figure out which story is correct so it is best to celebrate both by combining the three wise men and the feral cats into a few man-cats.

And that is how Jesus was born.

Zero three wise men.

(source)

Anyhoo, since you’re disqualified now we’re just going to go with A Holly Jolly Christmas as the best Christmas song of all time. I’d also be fine with going with Sleigh Ride, Here Come Santa Claus, Jingle Bells, It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas, Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow or Mele Kalikimaka.

Actually, how about this? Since our dearest cherished readers are some of the most intelligent and highly attractive people around, we’ll let them decide. Give us your vote. Any Christmas song you want. We’ll tally up the votes and declare the winning song next week. But just to be clear, no one is going to win anything.

Merry Christmas!

"You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth" Review Extravaganza Bonanza-Palooza

It’s time for another PCPPP book review! As many will recall, a while back we did a review of the book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” which contained a plethora of essays written by women bloggers, about finding the humor in being a mother. Naturally they called on us to do a review.  This time around we’re reviewing “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” which is described as

“...39 (mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women.”

Again, a perfect fit for us. Of course we are assuming that they are trying to break into the macho chainsaw-mechanic type demographic that we are so often associated with. Or more likely… due to our slightly androgynous names they think we are two women. Either way we are super stoked to review the book!*

To the Amazon!

Our friend Meredith over at Mom of the Year was nice enough to send us a copy for review and once we got it we immediately tore into it. Now we know what you are thinking: “You two macho guys with incredible fashion sense only review books that people ask you to review.” This is not true. We did recently do a review of The Bible and despite all the rumors that are out there, God did not ask us to review it**.

Anyways let’s get to the reviewing...

Christian: First off, I just assumed there would be a lot of pillow fighting ending in kissing in this book but unfortunately not only was there very little of that there was none.

However the very first chapter was about breasts and I was like SOLD!!! Five stars! Let’s wrap this review up!

Pat: Yeah...sorry Christian. No cute pillow fights in this one, but you’re spot on with the breast talk! And lots of vaginas too, just like in the last book. Which is funny. Because I thought it was just us guys who liked to talk about our junk. I didn’t know that women talked about their junk too. Wait. Not that I think it’s junk. I think it’s beautiful. Beautiful junk. Wait. Vaginas...not junk.  

Wait.

I liked the book. There. Can we be done? I’m doing that thing again where I’m saying things that I’m going to have to apologize for later.

Christian: The last book we reviewed? The Bible? I don’t remember there being a lot of vaginas in it. Wait are you talking about the parting of the Red Sea?

Pat:  No. But I think you’re onto something. Moses and the Red Sea, AND every Georgia O’Keefe painting I’ve ever seen do a LOT to remind me of vaginas.

I’m talking about a lot of the stories in the book. Consider the premise. “You have lipstick on your teeth” is apparently something women say to each other in the “powder” room. And, apparently, after they say that, they then talk about their breasts and vaginas.

Turns out there’s a WORLD of vaginal breast talk going on behind closed doors in powder rooms. How do we get into one of those?

Christian: I have no idea but I bet Moses knew how. That guy was a traveler.

Pat:  Speaking of travellers, I’d like to jump right into some of my favorite quotations from the book. Number one goes to Kim Bongiorno (from Let Me Start By Saying) for making me think of travelers--clowns in particular-- when she described her “honey pot” in the following manner:  

“We don’t have uteruses. We have really wet clown cars.”

Revolting, terrifying...and weirdly sexy all in one sentence. Well played, Kim.

True dat.

Christian: Is that in Revelations?

Pat: Dammit Christian we’re not talking about the Bible anymore. Duh! We’re talking about the lipstick book.

Christian: Oh. Okay gotcha. Another cool aspect of the book (the lipstick book, not the Bible) is that despite the fact that I am a very manly man-dude, I still found it relatable. For example who can’t relate to Allison Hart’s (from Motherhood, WTF?) story of having the CEO of your company walk in on you in the bathroom as you use a tampon to floss out a piece of your very own business card from your own teeth. I mean I can’t. But it makes for a great story.

Pat:  Oh. I can.

Christian:  That’s unfortunate.

Pat:  Yeah. Well, maybe not. Whatever.  

Know what else is unfortunate? Imagine having a conversation with your grandma about playing with yourself. If I understood her story correctly, that is EXACTLY what Angela Shelton (from Angela Shelton) experienced. Consider:

“Well get into the shower with a soapy washcloth and take care of it then.”

“It”, it turns out, is the need to feel satisfied. And the soapy washcloth? That’s the...thing doing the satisfying (penis? hand? handsome cucumber?).

And the speaker? GRANDMA!!!!

THAT’S unfortunate.

Christian: Are you sure? Maybe you're just interpreting it sexually. It could have just been that there was a really tough spot of grime that was achingly hard in between some moist tiles, just begging to be cleansed?

Pat:  Hey man. I’m not one to judge what you and your wife consider “dirty talk”, so...yeah. It could have been that. Sure.

Christian: Our bathroom is very clean.

Pat: And speaking of masturbation, I kinda’ dug Dawn Weber’s (from Lighten Up) story about downloadable apps devoted to full utilization of the “vibrate” ring tone phones so intimately offer. Never knew a device could love you so much!

Christian: That poor phone. They should have added an 11th commandment that said “Thou shalt not seek pleasure from thy telephone devices.” Of course that would have made no sense back then since they hadn’t invented pleasure yet.

So did you only pay attention to the ones about sexual masturbation and vaginal breast talk?

Pat:  Yep. Pretty much. And...I think there were other stories--stories about sisterhood and friendship and commiseration and hardship and bonds and history--but they didn’t stand out to me as profoundly as the stories about boobs and vaginas. I don’t know...maybe they didn’t use enough adjectives.

Christian: And there was that one about how no part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any means without permission..

Pat:  Oh..no...that was just the copyright. They have those in every book. I don’t think they mean anything.

Christian: Well, I found it riveting.

Pat: So...BIG thanks go to Meredith at Mom of the Year for hooking us up with this fantastic piece of vaginal literature. If we convinced you to look into this book (psst!  clown-car vaginas! what more do you need?!), look for it in hardback, at the Library of Congress, and at places like Amazon...and it’s also available as an e-book.

(Christian, what’s an ‘e-book’?)

Christian: I think it involves electricity and stems from that story in The Bible where Ben Franklin brought light to the last supper with his magical kites. Which by the way is another example of a story from The Bible that makes no mention of vaginas.

If God is serious about making this writing thing a career he needs to take a lesson from these lipstick women and throw in a vagina here and there.

*’Cause it’s the second free thing we’ve ever gotten!!! How cool is that?! Pretty damn cool!

** Or DID he?