Thursday, October 13, 2011

Which is More Insulting: Job Rejection or Coors Light?

Several years ago I had a job interview that lasted eight hours. In a row. Each hour a new person would come in with their own slew of questions, while I got to continue to be the only person answering them. Several of the interviewers also gave me white board problems to solve (I’m in the tech industry). I was supposed to be given a lunch break but the guy that took me to lunch continued to ask me interview type questions all through it. Relentlessly.

Overall I thought I did OK, especially considering the length of the interview, and the ridiculous range of questions I received. However by the time I got home, coming straight from the interview, there was already an e-mail in my inbox saying that they weren’t interested in hiring me.  

I could not believe that they had me answer questions and solve problems for eight hours straight and then decided within five minutes to not hire me. They could have at least given the illusion that they had to think about it, and let me know a day or two later. But no.

For some time now I have felt like this was one of the biggest insults to my intelligence, if not the biggest, I have ever received. But recently Coors Light has been airing commercials boasting about how their can has a label on it that will tell me when the can is cold, so now I don’t know.  

How am I suppose to know if this ice is cold? There’s no label on it.

What do you think Pat? Which one is the worst insult: the job interview rejection or Coors Light?

Pat:  When I first saw that Coors Light commercial, I hoped to god that it was part of a new social responsibility campaign where Coors was appealing to burn victims and those with genetic mutations that rendered their sense of feel useless. But then I saw how foolish that was, and that they were really only trying to prevent really really drunk people from ingesting WARM beer.

Sorry about that interview though, buddy. That sucks. I hope they gave you a conciliatory case of refreshing Coors Light as a consolation prize though.

You know what really sets me off as an insult to my intelligence? Fucking magicians! I don’t care how cool it is. I don’t care where it went. I don’t care how mysterious your eyes can get. I KNOW it’s not real, so please quit wasting my time.

Whew...sorry.  I feel better having gotten that out.

Christian: I hate to be a nit-picking nancy, but you didn’t answer my question. I understand what you’re saying about magicians, although I happen to like them (They’re like real life Harry Potters!) but this post is about me not you. There is no ‘you’ in ‘me’, is how the saying goes, I think.

Expecto Cold-detecto-armus!

Pat:  Well, if you insist upon picking nits, Nancy, I can easily answer the question for you, but know that I was just trying to deflect the ultimate feelings of inferiority and shame that your question brings up.

The Coors Light blue can technology is just plain DUMB. Well, actually, it’s not really dumb...I mean somebody came up with that idea and I bet it wasn’t easy. And I bet it could be put to good use and benefit the world in some way (ideas, anyone?). And I bet if it were a better beer in the container, one with a much hipper reputation and which cost about three times as much in a bottle and four times as much from a tap, I would be totally excited about it. Yes, I am THAT easily swayed by brand recognition and trends.

Anyway...that thing that happened with you and the interview...that’s just horrible man. I don’t know if I would have been able to bounce back from such a soul-crushing experience. I mean, do you have any sense of self-worth after that experience, or did it bleed you of all ambition and will-to-power?

Shit, Christian...forcing me to think about this has SERIOUSLY bummed me out, man. Why’d you have to be so insistent? Why couldn’t we just talk about bad beer in cool cans and call it good? Y’know, sometimes life is easier when you don’t think about things too hard. Thanks a lot!  I can kinda’ see why they didn’t hire you.

Christian: So you think the job rejection is more insulting? Because I was really leaning towards the Coors Light can. Think about it. At some point there were a bunch of Coors executives sitting around a board room talking about getting their yachts cleaned and their polo ponies shaved and brainstorming ideas on how to get more people to drink their beer so that they could buy more yachts and shaved polo ponies.  

Someone may have suggested improving the taste of the beer but it was quickly shot down as it would ruin their bottom line on profit margining incentives or other fancy finance terms. Then someone suggested putting a label on the can that would tell people that the can was cold. Some may have questioned, “But can’t people already tell when the can is cold?”

But the response was “After they see that our can is the only one that has a cold detection label those stupid commoners will all fall in line and soon forget that they even have the ability to detect temperature on their own! Then all will be ours and everything will come together just as we had foreseen it! BWAHAHAHHAHHAHA!”

Then they all went to deposit large bonus checks in their bank accounts before riding their perfectly shaved polo ponies over to the yacht club.

That’s exactly how it happened.

I’m part of the 99% so I can only afford to get my polo pony partly shaved.

Pat:  Okay, I think I get it. Yes, the Coors Light deal is more YOU! But that’s exactly the problem.  I tend to identify with the common man (hint:  it is SO much easier than trying to keep up with the uncommon man!). In that vein, I recognize the glory of the “cold beer= blue label” gimmick because I know that there are a lot of shallow dipshits in the world whose lives just got immeasurably better because of that innovation.  

You, my good friend, are NOT one of those dipshits, and thus are rightly offended by such an assumption of ignorance.

Get over it though, man. Think about what you’re doing. Do you REALLY want a level playing field? If so, you best be polishing those interview skills even more!

Christian: I see your point. I’ll add to my resume “Has ability to detect coldness of beverage cans without visual aid.”


  1. I have one question. When has a beer ever wasted 8 hours of your time? Other than when you drink it all day in your driveway. I mean, it's not like you spent 8 hours working out math problems to get the crap beer to turn cold. I say that the interview was waaaay more insulting. In fact, I hope that business went bankrupt in September of 2008.

  2. When I read the title, my gut reaction was, Coors Light. I am insulted by any light beer regardless of container. That hour interview though, damn, that's rough.

    Given the fact that you had to solve problems (wtf? like math? *shudders*) and the interview involved so many people, I'm thinking, A: that the interviewers were nerdy social morons who lived in their parents basements and 2: they all had a big fight after you left because you freaked them out with your amazing interviewee skills and they were scared that you would take over the company if hired.

    Ipso facto: Coors Light beer cans are more insulting.

  3. @Megiweg - Wow, I didn't realize this topic was so polarizing. It's just like abortion.

    @Tumbleweed - I think you totally nailed it with both A and 2. And I'm pretty sure the Coors Light can isn't insulting because of its jealousy. But then again I'm no scientist.

  4. @ Christian- Was that really a shaved pony? How do you find those pictures? And how has PETA not been alerted to such a....weird phenomena?

    @ Megiweg- Yes!

    @ Tumbleweed- I'm right there with you. I know that Bud and Bud Light are no more worthy of accolade, but somehow Coors Light seems to be the sweat pants of the beer world--a sure sign, as St. Costanza would say-- of "giving up".

  5. Am I gonna be the only person to acknowledge Pat's call of ideas on a more globally beneficial application for the temperature detection and display technology?

    Actually... I got nothing.

  6. @nrvs - The only application idea I came up with was to use it to determine how cold your polo pony was which would help you figure out how much to shave it. But PETA said no.

  7. Oh, at first I thought you were going to discuss their new ad strategy of making the image tougher by having Ice Cube argue with a bucket. But this is also a valid point. (:

  8. @Anna Gray - Maybe arguing with buckets is something kids do nowadays and they're trying to look cool to the kids? I have no idea what's going on at Coors HQ but obviously they don't have me in mind for their beer.