Children on Leashes. Bad Right?

I’ve never put either one my kids on a leash. I have too much... oh, what’s the word I’m looking for...oh yes, respect. Yes, I have too much respect for them to do that. But at the same time both my kids are rather well behaved out in public and neither are the type to run off on their own so who am I to judge? I’ll tell you. I’m perfect for judging. I’ve watched a lot of court room drama shows on TV (like Night Court), I’m pretty good with a hammer, and I really enjoy being super critical of other people.

So I judge thee, those who put their kids on leashes and take them out in public.

Why does my brother, Mr. Barkies, get to walk in front?

Pat, you’re with me on this one right?

Pat:  Well, you gotta’ judge someone, right, or you’re just gonna’ end up judging yourself and that ain’t gonna’ get you to anyplace you want to be. Might as well judge the child leash people.I suppose we could give them points for efficiency and ingenuity, and they do help teach a certain order and structure, but, yeah...it’s kinda’ hard to read an article about human trafficking and then see an image like the one above--someone en route to their daily double latte before the daily excursion to the dog park--and not do an ethically based judgemental double-take.

I’m with you. Human leashes are silly. And not very nice. But I’ve also always had a problem with sheepdogs. Even repeated viewings of The Shaggy D.A. couldn’t make me like them more. Ugly dogs, plain and simple.

Christian:  OK, so we are in agreement that these people should be judged (The leash people, not sheepdogs). But how harshly?

Let’s say you make some new friends, via work, or the neighborhood, what have you. They seem nice and you enjoy their company. You have them over for dinner and decide to go for walk and BAM! The leashes come out and the next thing you know their kids are roped up like cattle.

 

Everything is going fine, but then they put their kid on a leash

and things start getting weird.

Is this a deal breaker for you with regards to remaining their friends?

Pat:  I’m struggling a bit with the image above. Did we take acid?

Honestly...I’ve never had that experience, or one even remotely close to it, so I’m going to bag out of that argument and also suggest that you seek out new friends.

But, yeah...there are certain things that are deal breakers for me...and they are usually pretty superficial. Richard Marx CDs in the car. Voting republican. Swastika tattoos. Mike’s Hard Lemonade™ served at a hosted dinner in place of wine or beer. I am just judgmental enough to let those get in the way of a beautiful and lasting friendship. Might as well throw child-leash people into the mix...why the hell not?

Christian: OK. But now let’s say it’s a family member or relative. Since it’s hard to cast off family and you kind of have to accept them as who they are, we’ll go ahead and assume that you’ll keep them as family members.

But would you ever say anything to them about the leashes? Let’s say, for example, they are visiting for Thanksgiving and everyone decides to go for a nice post-turkey stroll about the neighborhood and then BAM! They unleash some leashes and leash up their kids. Do you say anything or just keep your mouth shut?

Pat:  Two things come to mind:

1.  In both of your hypothetical scenarios described above, you used the onomotopeia (geez, that’s a tough one to spell!) BAM! to describe the sound of the person bringing out the child-leash...or the leashed-child...not sure which one. Does it really make that sound? If so, I really want to meet some of these friends/families of yours. If not...why do you taunt me with such vivid and descriptive scenarios that can’t possibly live up to reality?

Christian: BAM! is not so much supposed to be a sound but more of a representation of a sudden shock or turn of events. It’s a way of injecting more suspense and excitement into the dialogue. BAM!

Pat: 2.  You say “...you kind of have to accept them as who they are...”  with regards to family members. Really? Is that written in stone somewhere? I’ve been working on changing the fundamental essence of my spouse for ‘bout near 20 years now. Far fewer years with the kids, but I’m still doing my best to mold them away from their base tendencies. Am I going against some universal family credo?

Christian: BAM! No it’s not written in stone. I was just trying to make the point that BAM! It’s not as easy to disassociate yourself with family as it is with friends. BAM!

So are you then saying that in the case of a family member being a leash user - or a leashy, as they are referred to in prison (I assume) - you would say something in the spirit of BAM! Changing the essence of loved ones? BAM!

Pat:  Absolutely! BAM!

Change those motherfuckers, family or not! Double BAM! Whether in prison--BAM!--or in the top bunk of your three year old’s room--toddler BAM!--tell those freaky people to get with the BAM! program, yo! BAM!BAM!BAM!

Christian: Wow, what an exhilarating paragraph Pat! I’m out of breath just from reading it. I even found myself reaching for my asthma inhaler until I remembered I’ve never had asthma. But check out this paragraph:

WICKACHI-POW! BLAMMO!!! So in conclusion KABOOOOM!!! we are in agreement that putting your kid on a leash is RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!!! bad.  And, WANG-CHUNG!!! if you come across someone doing so, SHAZAM!!! you should say something, WEEE-OOOO WEEE-OOOO!!! even if they are a close loved one. TORNADO POWER WINDS!!! Does that sound right Pat? AHHHHH!!!

Pat:  Yes.  Yes it does.