Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Did Rudolf Uncover Santa's Cover Up?

Everyone is a fan of the classic Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer Christmas Special that airs every year. If you are not a fan you must be a real dick. I still try to watch it every year and I enjoy it now just as much as I did when I was 6 years old. Just like scotch.  

But one thing I have always wondered about is the origin of the misfit toys on the Island of Misfit Toys. Who originally made these toys? How did they get there? Whose responsible for all this?

HOOORAAAY! We’re not normal.

Unfortunately, all signs point to one person - Santa! Dun, dun, DUN!

Think about it. This island where the misfit toys are living, is awfully close to Christmas Town or wherever it is that Santa has his complex. Too close to be a coincidence if you ask me.

We also know he has a large staff of elves (or should we call them minions?) that make all the toys he delivers to the children around the world, so we know toys are being produced under his command. If someone else had made all those misfit toys why would they go through such great lengths to dump them all the way up near the North Pole?

And lastly, since Santa delivers toys throughout the world he must know the world pretty well. So how is it that there is an island right near his home called the Island of Misfit Toys that he supposedly knows nothing about? Shouldn’t the name of the island have tipped him off?

What are your thoughts?

Pat: I was always more struck by Hermey, the gay dentist elf (c’mon, we all knew it!). That woulda’ been a tough gig.

Christian: That doesn’t surprise me. Hermey always reminded me of you.


Pat: Never been a dentist. Never been an elf. ‘Nuff said. With regards to Santa, and his being a wayward father-figure god persona...we all make mistakes, man. So judgmental, Christian. So judgmental.

Christian: A mistake? This isn’t just a mistake. It’s a major cover up! Accidentally making a toy train with square wheels is a mistake and is not that big of a deal. Unless of course you are that train and somehow have the ability to experience feelings and emotions, specifically embarrassment. But to continuously make that mistake many times over and then attempt to hide them all on some deserted snowy island in the middle of the arctic is more than just a mistake.

And don’t forget, when Rudolf and crew made it back to Christmas Town and told Santa about all the misfit toys, did Santa own up to it? No. He acted as if this was all news to him and realized his only way out of it was to lie and deliver all those toys to kids who apparently only deserved broken toys. No, no, no, no. This was more than just a mistake.

And Santa couldn’t have been the only one in the know. A cover up this big had to involve many. I’m assuming pretty much all of his top level elves had to know. Dasher might have even been in on it too. It’s quite a travesty.

Pat:  Have you even butt-dialed someone? Posted on Facebook while chemically altered? Seriously, Christian, we ALL make mistakes, and NONE of us wants to revisit them!

So Santa may have fathered a few illegitimate toys...the point is he made up for it. Millions of children happy, right? In my book a few disgruntled and mis-shaped playthings are worth it. We tread a dangerous line when we hold our heroes up to standards that we ourselves could never live up to (a quick Google™ tells me that I mighta’ stolen that from Ayn Rand), in that we set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment (have you ever SEEN Ayn Rand? She’s kind of scary looking). Rather, if we establish a set of norms and mores based on our own objective reality while here on earth, we live according to an objective reality based on our own determination of right and wrong, one in which your irresponsible Santa might be depicted as more human that you currently allow.

Holy shit man, look what you made me go and do. I got all philosophical and shit just from thinking about Santa. What a downer!

However, if my rant above struck a cord, you might want to check out a little video of Mike Wallace interviewing Ms. Rand HERE. Just don’t do it as you respond to a blog post while simultaneously nipping at a bottle of white wine. Dangerous and dark roads await down that path, my friends.

Christian: Ayn Rand is the actress that played Alice on the Brady Bunch right? I haven’t read any of her philosophies.

However, I still don’t think you are understanding my argument with regards to Santa. Yes we all make mistakes (e.g. I totally put too much chocolate syrup on this ice cream I’m eating). And yes we might hold our heroes up to an impossible standard (I can’t believe it! I always pour the right amount of chocolate syrup!). But instead of just admitting to his mistakes, he tried to cover them up but dumping all those grotesque looking toys on that island. And the worst of all? He lied to poor little Rudolf when Rudolf told him about what he found on that island. What about that?

Santa Claus is a man who is obviously driven by greed.

“Rudolf with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Did Rudolf really have a choice?

I bet if he was to be investigated, this misfit toy-Arctic island story would just be the tip of the iceberg (Wait! Was that a pun? I love those! It’s not a pun is it? Close though. Maybe next time.) I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out he’s been giving himself exuberant CEO bonuses and/or has been embezzling the elves’ retirement funds. These are the kind of actions we see from those with power that attempt to hide their “mistakes”. Or should I say “misfit-takes”? No? Maybe I don’t understand puns.

Pat:  No, it wasn’t a pun. Not for lack of trying, mind you. It’s just that you can’t physically have an iceberg on an island. One’s earth, and the other is water. And that second attempt was just kind of embarrassing.

Again, see what you did?! You took something happy and carefree--Santa--and made it all unhappy and uncarefree. And I feel like a dick now for correcting your puns. Or non-puns. I’m not having any pun at all! (<---now THAT’S a pun!)

I was just about to help you work through all of this angst by maybe finding someone at Rankin-Bass, the production company behind your troubles (remember, dear friend, that the Island of Misfit Toys is not a relic of traditional lore, but the product of a likely drunk or altered 1960s animation executive), to talk with and ask for an explanantion.

And then I found THIS guy: Rick Goldschmidt at Now THIS guy has some shit he’s upset with. So much so that your deadbeat-dad Santa exposé is just doggie kibble.

Feel better?

Christian: To be honest I don’t really care what Rankin-Bass and their 31 flavors of ice cream are having to deal with. All I care about is that Santa take some responsibility here. I’m not looking for him to be incarcerated. All I want is an admittance to what he has done and an apology. Ooooh, and a brand new X-Box 360!

And a pony.


  1. I'm officially hooked. God- I had way too much pun here to not come back religiously.

  2. That video is creepy. I couldn't watch more than the first 30 seconds because it felt like the title was trying to attack me.

    Christian, I'm with Pat, nee Poot, on this one. You're kinda harshing my Santa buz. And I'm not even a hippy. Although I do agree with you about the ice people, they need to get a life.

  3. I'm liking the Christmas posts guys. I really feel like you're really tearing this thing apart to get at the true meaning of the holiday. You've turned some Christmas classics on their heads and opened a few minds too.

  4. By the way, I'm a real dick. I don't like that movie. I find it seriously tedious.

  5. @Jayne - Welcome! Or should I say Well-pun? Damn, that's not quite right either is it?

    @Tumbleweed - You and Poot can go ahead and remain in denial. But don't come crying to me when Santa turns up on a 60 Minutes expose.

    @Megiweg - Tedious? Are you sure you're watching it right?

  6. This was hilarious! I loved the banter. I laughed out loud at the chocolate syrup discovery. You poured too much?!? Also, really loved the analysis about teh Misfit Toys. You guys are so right!!

  7. Why thank you, Kelley, and hats off to you for appreciating such a refined and sophisticated form of humour (SO humourous, in fact, that we deem it necessary to label it with a British spelling!).

  8. @ Jayne- Welcome! So you know, now that we've got you hooked, the prices go up and the side effects become more pronounced!

    @ Tumbleweed- So so sorry, dear. Upon second watching, I couldn't help but agree with you...that is one menacing title!

    @ Megiweg- Oh, honey, if you like these posts, just wait until Groundhog Day! And I think we might do a five-part interactive flag-day event!

  9. @Kelly - Thank you so much for the kind words. FYI, your How to Gift Wrap A Snake post was my favorite holiday post this year.

  10. I am just wowed you guys worked Ayn Rand into the same blog post as The Island of Misfit Toys. Crazy genius going here!

    1. It took us 18 months to figure out how to work Ayn Rand in there but it was worth it.

    2. Is that a big deal? I thought it was perfectly normal and natural to work Ayn Rand into everything. No?

  11. And how do they have a lion king? Is he a misfit because he has wings? And then I don't think he goes with Santa at the end, what's up with that? I also think that Bumble was treated pretty harsh and also why doesn't Yukon's tongue get stuck on his pickax? And in that particular story, Santa is kind of an ass - he's mean to Rudolph, disses the singing elves, and is just generally negative. I have no doubt he shuttled the misfits off to that island.

    1. And I'm assuming there was never a dentist at the North Pole (prior to Hermey) because Santa never gave the elves any dental benefits.

    2. And so skinny! This Santa needs some venison on his bones!