Both Pat and I are big fans of zombie movies. Not like super hard-core nerding out fans like this guy:
Spooky.
No,
we’re more just your typical fans, that really enjoy a good zombie
movie and never pass up a chance to see one. Like this guy:
Definitely more like Pat and I.
So Pat, I have a question for you. Do you prefer your zombies to be more of the classical sense where they are slow moving and clumsy or do you prefer the more modern day zombies that seem to have Olympic qualifying running speed?
Keep in mind I’m talking about within the context of movies. If/when we are indeed taken over by zombies I’m pretty much assuming everyone is going to vote for the slow ones.
Pat: Well, I used to be fine with slow zombies, but I think once you’ve seen fast ones in a movie you can’t go back. It’s like the slow ones are the gateway zombies, and the fast ones are the little speedballs that you liquidate your kids’ college funds for, just to keep the high going. Sorry, kids.
So, yeah, I go for the fast ones. But in real life? Like you say, I’ll take slow...even immobile maybe, if we get to have a say in the matter. There was a fun run held earlier this year where you can pay to get chased by other runners dressed up as zombies. You got a three minute head-start, but the zombie runners were GOOD runners. No way...that’s fucking terrifying, even if it’s not real. I’ll settle for this guy instead:
When I catch you, which might be in awhile,
THEN I’ll eat your brains.
Christian: Really? You prefer your zombie movies to have fast moving zombies? Wow. You’re really taking this being wrong thing to a whole new level.
Come on, slow moving zombie movies is where it’s at. If they are going to be fast it might as well be a movie about a bunch of rabid gazelles. Who wants to watch that?
The thing that is so great about slow moving zombies is that the survivors can easily handle one or two of them and can escape them with ease. But you get a horde of them together then things get dicey. Just like if you were to come across a couple of spiders. No big deal right? But if you came across a thousand spiders all grouped together than that would be frightening! AHHHHHH!
Plus slow moving zombies makes more sense from a realistic point of view. I’m guessing your bones and muscles won’t quite be at a 100% after suffering from a death. So naturally you would be much slower and less coordinated than your living self. That’s just Biology 101.
Pat: That’s just fine by me, man. You go ahead and focus on those slow zombies, and then if the time comes (WHEN the time comes, I say) you go ahead and saunter through town avoiding all of those slow zombies, while I prepare to run my ass off because I know that their slowness is just a ploy to lure suckers like you in. Be prepared. Thank you, scout master!
By the way...I think you really have issues with points-of-view different from your own. Y’ever thought of that, or were you too busy laughing at the many ways that fast-zombie aficionados were wrong? You know what ALL zombies value? An open mind. Oh my god...I didn’t even mean for that to be such a good joke, but it WAS! Because zombies like brains. So they would LOVE an open mind! That was awesome! And you should still learn to appreciate other perspectives.
Christian: I do not have issues with points-of-view that are different from mine. I just have issues with wrong points-of-view. This blog is called Point Counter-Point Point Point, remember? It’s all about presenting and arguing different points-of-view on a topic so that people can learn about both sides of an issue, allowing them to make their own informative decision that you are wrong.
Also, don’t worry about me. I’m pretty sure I’m plenty prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. But boy are you going to look foolish running around as fast as you can as they slowly meander about.
You’re going to unnecessarily tire yourself out, get a side ache, and then find yourself surrounded by a gaggle* of them. And as you try to catch your breath while being devoured, I’ll cruise by on my Segway, at a moderate pace, with not a worry in sight. I’ll probably be eating a nice snack too. Most likely a plate of some nice cheeses or something since I won’t need to worry about staying in shape with all these lethargic flesh eaters around.
Oh I’ll be prepared all right.
Pat: Like I said...that’s just fine by me! And, as a friend, I hope you’re right. I hope I work myself unnecessarily into a svelte gazelle-like physique while you fatten as you sup on gourmet deli items and fancy mustards.
BUT...there’s no way in hell that zombies, WHEN they attack, will be of the shambling variety. That’s exactly what they want us to believe! They convinced Romero to depict them that way, but I’m no fool--I know all about the corrupt Hollywood elite (hint: ZOMBIES!!).
* I don’t know if there is an official term for a group of zombies but “gaggle” seemed appropriate since being surrounded by a group of geese also scares me.
I thought it was a horde of zombies. But I'm not a zoologist or anything.
ReplyDeleteI like slow zombies. I don't mind fast zombies, but I prefer them to have something like the rage virus a la 28 Days Later.
The thing that makes me sad about fast zombies is that I wouldn't stand a chance either way. I'd get attacked because I couldn't keep ahead of the crowd, and unless I gained speed because of the virus, I'd be lagging behind and wouldn't get any fresh meat. Woe is me.
Life, I mean death, as a Zombie can be hard.
DeleteYou know what I find scary about zombies? Being one.
ReplyDeleteI'm out of the loop of the whole zombie genre, except for I Am Legend, and the thing that terrified me about that was being one of the the creatures. I would rather be eaten by a zombie than feel driven, compelled -to the point of having no control over myself-to eat the flesh of others.
So if I had to *be* one, I would be slow and then maybe I would never catch anyone and have to eat them.
Interesting theory. But have you ever watched a zombie find some fresh human flesh? They seem pretty excited. So maybe they are happy the way they are. In which case you would be miserable as a slow moving one. And no one wants to be an unhappy zombie.
DeleteThe thing is, that if you are a zombie, you're already dead. You don't need to eat, you just want to. I'd just start eating cats and squirrels. And gourmet cheeses and fancy mustard.
ReplyDeleteIt would really suck to be zombie if you were vegan.
DeleteI prefer the slow zombies too. My only concern is that statistics have shown that they are the ones that prefer to attack in large groups. Those zombie swarms will use up your ammo. Sprinter zombies have an every-man-for-himself attitude and tend to be selfish loners. You can pick them off one at a time as long as they don't get too close.
ReplyDeleteI'm making a note to contact you if/when the zombie apocalypse comes.
DeleteI would go for slow zombies in experience and fast zombies to look at in pictures. Actually, no. I want fast in both scenarios. Why drag out the torture of being zombified?
ReplyDeleteThat is an excellent point. The fast ones probably do eat faster too which would be more preferable if you were to be eaten by one.
DeleteI believe zombies act more like a bellwether; a single zombie steers the heard slowly in one direction with such precision and stealth that none of the others realize they are followers. The bellwether is always the zombie who gets to partake in his or her brain feast first.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I had never known there was term for those leading animal types. Who would have ever thought I would learn something from the internet?
DeleteI think I dated the guy in that first picture back in high school. Oh my, how we used to chase people and eat their brains. Sigh. And to think he grew up to be Donald Trump. You just never know, amiright?
ReplyDeleteThat's an interesting non-fact.
DeleteI don't much care what speed they are; I'm only afraid of the zombies wearing traffic cones on their heads.
ReplyDeleteOf course, my greatest fear *NOW*, thank you very much, is running into herds of head-munching rabid gazelles. Tonight I sleep with BOTH eyes open.
OK, now that you put it that way maybe a horror movie about herds of rabid gazelles would be good idea. I don't think it's been done before. And maybe they get infected with some disease that gives them super-human, I mean super-gazelle strength. Some kind of radioactivity should probably be involved too.
DeleteI'm not a fan of zombies of any speed. When they come, I'll probably just grab a stack of decent books, hide out in my tornado shelter until the end of the world, then start it all over again with the one carrot seed I find in my pocket.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the perfect plan except I'm not a fan of carrots. But no one said the zombie apocalypse would be easy.
DeleteSince the whole option of not having to deal with any zombies at all doesn't appear to be on the world's radar, the preference( if by preference I mean what was the most anxiety inducing to my 8 year old self )has gotta be the slow ones - the very fact that they don't have angry eyes or superstrength that kinda makes em look like they still know what they're doing on some level, just that plodding implacable shuffle-y brain hunger of the undead...ack!
ReplyDeleteExactly! The slowness just adds to their creepiness.
DeleteI really like gaggle. I think you're going in the right direction with that term. This argument about slow vs. fast moving zombies was hilarious, as usual. I am forwarding this to my husband because he's all about The Walking Dead. I wonder what his opinion is on the whole subject. Thanks for giving my husband and me something new to discuss!
ReplyDeleteI'm a huge fan of The Walking Dead too so your husband sounds like a really intelligent, sophisticated, good-looking, and impeccably dressed individual.
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