So it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction, you want? Then it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction you'll get! (maybe)

So awhile ago, Christian mentioned that he was working on a little project involving incorporating Jared and the other characters from Subway into some riveting literary narratives. Little did we know that our fan base would EXPLODE with enthusiasm at the mere mention of the mere possibility of the mere idea of something as merely ludicrously amazing as Jared from Subway fan fiction!

So now the easy part...actually writing the first installment of the Jared from Subway fan-fiction.

Pat:  Hey, so I see this as more of a “Hardy Boys” style mystery-adventure series, where Jared wakes up from his seemingly normal life, goes to work to make the sandwiches, and then gets caught up in some customer’s complicated situation. You like that?

Christian:  I do like that but Jared doesn’t really work at Subway in real life does he? I thought he just ate all their sandwiches so they put him on TV.

I’m just concerned that the hard-core Jared from Subway fans might not appreciate us changing anything about the Jared from Subway universe. That might be like writing some Star Wars fan fiction with having Yoda being a landspeeder mechanic instead of a Jedi Master.

But if you think it’s OK I’m cool with it.

Pat: No, I think you have a point there. Scrap the “Hardy Boys” schematic. We’re going “Charlie’s Angels” instead, with Jared popping into his local Subway franchise to receive his daily missive from the agency. The guy making his sandwich is like Bosley. But he NEVER sees the person actually telling him what to do. In that case, I guess it would be the franchise owner.

Think that’s a better way to go?

Christian: Yeah that might work. So Jared would walk in and order, say, a cold cut combo on wheat -  to go - and Bosley would slip his mission instructions into the sandwich? Then once Jared got outside he would wipe off the mustard and everything and learn about his mission.

But sometimes there wouldn’t be a mission in which case Jared would just eat the sandwich but we won’t write about those times.

I also thought it would be cool if at some point Jared had a love affair with Flo from Progressive Insurance. I mean like a super-hot, steamy and torrid love affair. How do you think we could work that in?

Pat:  Is that her name? At first I thought you meant Flo from “Alice”, which I thought was an AWESOME idea, ‘cause everyone loves those crossover TV shows, where stories intersect and characters from one show become part of another show.

I guess it would work with insurance-Flo as well, but she doesn’t really have as cool a tag-line.  “Kiss my grits!” just never gets old!

Besides, insurance-Flo seems so nice. I know Jared looks all milquetoast and safe, but I bet he’s got a secret dirty side to him. A side that only a fire-haired, fire-tongued vixen like “Alice”-Flo could understand and appreciate.

Whatcha’ think?

Christian: Is Alice-Flo even alive? I’m pretty certain our Jared from Subway fan-fiction is going to be huge with the teens, a big money making demographic I might add. I don’t think they are going to be into old Alice-Flo.

Just look at the size of that hat she’s wearing!

(source)

Insurance-Flo is who the teens are into today, what with their Insurance-Flo posters and Insurance-Flo bathroom products. Plus something tells me she turns into quite the little vixen when she’s not talking about car insurance rates.

Passion!

(source)

But either way I’m picturing Jared from Subway having many different lovers throughout our series so we don’t have to pick just one right now.

But what should be his first mission for our initial installment?

Pat:   Something having to do with pickles! I’ve always felt like pickles could be the center of a great caper!

Christian: Pickles could work. I was thinking more along the lines of stolen nuclear warheads, but I think you’re right. The first installment should be something simple. And then as the series goes along the stakes can slowly increase until eventually Jared from Subway is saving the world by stealing back nuclear warheads from sandwich terrorists.

But for now let’s go with pickles.

How about this; the Subway stores are dangerously low on their pickle inventory and they don’t know why. Therefore they call Jared from Subway into action! He’ll do some investigating, and learn that it’s the evil Quiznos corporation that is stealing Subway’s pickles under the guise of a haunted roller coaster or something. Somewhere along the way he’ll bang Insurance-Flo.

This stuff practically writes itself.

What do you think?

Pat:  NUCLEAR pickles! What could be more erotic than that?!

(Psst! If this blog thing doesn’t pan out, I really think we should pitch the idea of the “nuclear pickle” vibrator to some skeevy porn industry company. Just as a back-up, y’know.)

Christian: I just cashed in my 401k and reserved nuclearpickles.com. Hello early retirement.