Thursday, April 17, 2014

Getting Sex-Murdered by Your Dental Hygienist

I would like to start out by mentioning that I have never had a cavity in my life. Does this make me special? Maybe. Does Thor’s hammer make him special. Also a definite maybe. So you would expect that I would be pretty popular with dentists and especially the hygienists. And for the most part you would be correct.

In fact I’ve had more than one hygienist compliment me on how strong my tongue is*.

But I have recently been seeing a new hygienist and things have taken a turn for the worse.  

First off, I’m not getting much praise from her. I’m used to getting a lot of compliments on my no-cavity Thor-esque mouth. I didn’t even get a simple “Good for you” from her.

Also, during my first appointment with her, after about 20 mins of silence as she examined and cleaned my teeth, out of the blue she stops and says. “Did you know that you are now older than how old the dad character from Family Ties was back then?”  

I need to have full confidence in the mental capacity of the people I have entrusted my health to, Pat. This is just not going to do.

I have additional issues with her but I wanted to get your thoughts so far.

Pat: Hate to tell you this buddy, but I was all set to tell you to just suck it up and deal with it. Not all hygienists are going to massage your ego (or tongue?) in order to make you feel dentally superior. And I’m not just saying this as a slightly jealous and bitter cavity-plagued patient. I think you need to stop being so needy, man.

But then you mentioned the comment about Family Ties, and I was like, “Whoa!”. There are limits, man! Lines you DO NOT CROSS for fear of breaching the social contract. And she did it. Right in your face. Or your ear. Or mouth. Whatever.

Not cool.

Christian: I know. This is not how someone who has never had a cavity should be treated. But to be honest I can live with the Mr. Keaton comment. There are other things that I’m having bigger issue with.  

For example the amount of mouth care she is wanting me to maintain. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a firm believer in brushing at least twice a day and flossing is always a good thing. But after my first visit with her she didn’t so much suggest as command that I purchase a electric waterpik and start using it. Naturally I asked “Do I need to still floss if I’m using a waterpik?”

She laughed a second and then became silent and said with a serious look “Of course you do”.


But upon my second visit with her (still no cavities!) she gave me a prescription for some mouthwash stuff she wanted me to rinse with every night and….AND… said I should start using rubber picks to clean in between my teeth each night. She even told me I should get them at Costco so that I can get large quantities of them for cheap. Naturally I asked, “Do I still need to use the waterpik then?”

“Oh definitely,” she replied as if I had asked if I still need to breath in oxygen on a regular basis.

So for the record, every night, she wants me to brush my teeth, floss, use the a waterpik, then clean with a rubber pick followed by rinsing with mouthwash.

Doesn’t this seem excessive for someone who has never had a cavity? My nighttime mouth cleaning routine now takes forever. I had to start leaving work early just so I would have enough time to get ready for bed.

What am I to do here?

Pat: She’s sounding a bit, umm, dentally aggressive, man. Gentle flossing...fine.  Inconvenient--yet polite--conversation...okay. Gritty polish-swill-spit routine...sure. Pokey metal pick probing into my soul gums...whatever. But c’mon, man...she’s just asking too much of your relationship.

Sounds like trouble. I might suggest you get out while you can.

Christian: But that’s just it. How? She told me that it’s important to see the same hygienist on each visit so they can track progress or some bullshit, so she makes sure to always schedule my next appointment on a day that she works.

And as of my last visit she wants me to start coming in every four months instead of every six months to 2 years like I had been doing beforehand.

And have I mentioned, I have never had a cavity?

I’m just going to cut to the chase and state my real concern with all this. I’m concerned she’s going to end up sex-murdering me. She’s obviously obsessed with me and my teeth, and sex-murdering is naturally the next step.

I’m going to end up in the bottom of some indoor well as she yells down to me “It puts the floss in the basket”.

Help, Pat.

Pat: Is sex murdering really a thing. Like, a common thing? Because you bring it up kinda’ often in our conversations, which makes me think it’s either a bigger thing than I know it to be, or you might be secretly fascinated with sex-murdering, in which case you…

Never mind. I wasn’t thinking anything. I don’t know. Just stay calm.

Have you checked with your insurance provider? I ask, because mine will only cover two check-ups a year as part of my plan. You might want to look into that, as it could be your out.

Hmm...who’d have thunk that bureaucracy could save your life?

Christian: Pat, I assure you sex-murdering is a real thing. In fact it affects 1 out of every 300 million Americans every year. I might be that American this year!

Even if my insurance only covers me for two appointments a year that’s only going to postpone the sex-murdering by a couple of months.

Dear god, I just noticed I have a dentist appointment in two days! Pat, if you don’t hear from me again just go ahead and assume I was sex-murdered. Call the police, the FBI, and Interpol (the band). And please tell my wife and kids something that will cheer them up. They’re gonna be bummed.

Pat: Will do. Good luck buddy.


Pat: How did your appointment go?


Pat: Christian? Did you have your appointment? Are you ok?


Pat: Dear god! Have you been sex-murdered!?!?!

Christian: Sorry. I ate a bad burrito. Put me out of comission for a bit.

Nope. I did have the appointment but no sex-murdering. This time. However within the first five minutes of the appointment she mentioned the movies Single White Female and Fatal Attraction. I’m not sure if it was a threat or not but I don’t like it.

I’m still afraid.

But, woohoo! Still no cavities!!!

* Totally true.


  1. Wha...? Strong tongue? Were you aggressively making out with the hygienist or her equipment? "Aww yeah, gimme that weird spinning plastic thing with the awful tasting paste and haunting sound. Mwah mwah make out mwah."
    It sounds like you have a hygienist with oral OCD. While tracking progress might seem important, maybe getting a fresh perspective and new eyes to examine your gaping maw might be just as fruitful.
    I once had a dentist with sausage fingers. That was the last time I went to her, because I sex-murdered her. Wait, there's a statute of limitations on sex-murder, isn't there?

    1. Our founding forefathers made it very clear that sex-murdering laws should be handled at the state level. Therefore the statute of limitations will depend on your home state. Good luck!

  2. Sounds like it's time for the "It's not you, it's me" or a last minute reschedule in hopes that she is totally booked...although I would not be surprised if she sees only you.

    1. I have to be honest. I couldn't help but be be a little flattered if I was the only one she wanted to sex-murder.

  3. I bet she's into cavity-free BDSM too, Christian. She probably doesn't know how astute you are. Once she has you in the chair in another three months, she'll stick it to you with the type of grinding and drilling that keeps Michael Gross smiling through decades of syndication. Beware.


  4. That's sort of spooky.

    But it seems to be a good rule of thumb to compare things in my life to the Family Ties cast. I might start doing that. I wonder how old I am right now compared to Mallory's Sly Stallone-wannabe boyfriend with the earrings...

  5. Have you considered that your life-long cavity-free record is what started her obsession? Think about it. She's stalking your teeth! She probably wants to keep them perfect forever... preserved in a jar, still inside your severed head, after she sex-murders you.

    Quick! You need to get a cavity! That will dispel her delusion... or it could send her over the edge & also make her kill you (albeit very slowly) with that tiny drill.

    1. So you're saying I need to eat more sweets? Alright I'll do it!

    2. Eat an ENTIRE bag of Oreos right before you go in to your next appointment.

  6. I agree with Vinny. She wants to keep your teeth perfect, and then take credit for your cavity-free life's work! Oh, and I'm wondering if she just might be getting a cut every time one of her patients buys a Waterpik and/or those rubber toothpicker thingies from Costco. There could be some serious conflict of interest going on here!

    Oh, and just because your sex-murderer dental hygienist tells you to do something...Listen carefully here...You don't actually have to do it. Break away from that tooth tyrant's irrational demands! FREEEEEDOOOMMM!!!

    1. I do like the sound of freedom. Does this include not doing what the receptionist asks me to do when she says I have a $20 co-pay?

  7. You should preemptively sex-murder her. Unless that's illegal in your state and some self righteous DA is going to come after me on conspiracy charges. In which case you should just stop going to the dentist, because you have perfect teeth anyway, so what you need a dentist for?

  8. I agree with both Vinny and Flip. Get some cavities, then sex-murder her for good measure. And I think you should stop basing your self-esteem on your lack of cavities. You're going to be devastated when you get one. You have many other admirable qualities. You can count to at least 11, your cats seem to like you (or maybe just tolerate you, but either way-win!), Amy hasn't killed you yet. I'm sure there are others, but I'm pretty tired and can't think of them right now.

  9. You have never had a cavity in your life? You must be that guy in Unbreakable. How could I have missed that? A strong tongue too? You mean like that thingie in Alien? Well, maybe not. You are now older than how old the dad character from Family Ties was back then? Well, who isn't? That smart ass mouth doctor of yours must think you've got sexy teeth.

    1. So now I'm wondering... how come I don't have sexy teeth?

  10. As someone who DOES floss, brush, rinse, waterpik, etc, and still gets at least one cavity a year, I can tell you it has nothing to do with how much you brush.

    Also I can tell you that I hate you, because why is life so cruel to me?

  11. If at some point she mentions that the appointment would go some much better if your hands were strapped down, I would suggest not letting your hands get strapped down. Or if she says you have to move your appointment to an abandoned warehouse, perhaps you shouldn't go to the warehouse. Hope you appreciated these common sense tips to avoiding sex-murdering.

  12. Sex murder reminds me of Futurama's women of Amazon Planet and their "Death by Snoo-Snoo" seems like a good way to go?
    At least she didn't compare you to the dad from Growing Pains. That would have been justifiable for toothbrush murder, in which you sharpen a toothbrush to the point of a prison shank and flay away her gums forever.

  13. I'm averaging at about one cavity per visit. Not to mention, my hygienist is trying to murder me, too. He filed one of my teeth down to the nerve. I have an exposed nerve because of that pervert sex-murdering murderer.

  14. If your next appointment starts off with "Saw" or "Silence of the Lambs" you may want to consider a new dentist, in another state, under an assumed name. Or just start wearing a Michael Gross mask.

  15. You know, you could just be like a monkey in the jungle who doesn't get cavities but still has really bad banana gums or whatever. Maybe your teeth are about to fall out of your head (cavity-less!) because you aren't doing all those things she suggested and she's just trying to help.

    Still. I think a preemptive sex-murder might be in order.

    1. If you two have both been sex-murdered by Christian's hygienist, can I have Schmoo and Floyd? Oh and Pat's hidden hippy stash?

    2. I just realized that that's not Floyd but Zoot. But I'd take Floyd if you had him up there too.

    3. Actually, I call myself Dumbass or Magnificent Genius, depending on the day.