Thursday, April 21, 2011

Vasecto-You Not Me

I enjoy having minor surgery just as much as the next guy. Especially when it involves receiving morphine. But when it comes to surgery on my “special purpose” - I’m not a fan. On the other hand, I am completely done with producing offspring (Man alive is that true!) and the only sure fire way for a man, like myself, to prevent future spawn is to have a vasectomy (I think women can have it done too but it’s called spaying).

Last summer Pat went under the knife to have.. oh my god! Just thinking about it... LA LA LA...  I CAN’T HEAR WHAT I’M TYPING ... LA LA LA.... Ok. Let’s just just say last summer Pat had this procedure done. He agreed to answer any questions I had and share them on our blog so that myself, and others, can get a better idea of what to expect from the experience.

Christian:  First off, I think what I, and everyone else really wants to know most is, were you given any morphine during or after the procedure?  

Pat: No, Christian...FIRST OFF, you are wrong. You say the only sure fire way to prevent future offspring is to get a vasectomy (there it is buddy. can’t hurt you. Go ahead...say it. That’s right, “vas...” let that soft “s” really draw itself out so it feels good, “ectomy”. There you go. Not so bad, right? Good job champ!), but our blog is going to go platinum with hits and responses from hard core religulous right-wingers if you don’t also acknowledge that you and your spouse could just quit making sweet sweet love. “You have your two”, sayeth the Honorable Rev. Smith-upon-Avon, “the lord is happy, and your loins shall henceforth be girded.” But not you, my Your loins are afire, and you want two things. Unfettered Biblical style “laying down” AND pre-pubescent biology, and for that, there is only one thing...THE VASECTOMY!

All said, it was a piece of cake. Not that I was cool throughout the procedure (and by “procedure” I mean the weeks leading up to it, the entire 24 hours of the day it occurred, and the weeks that followed), but all things considered it was pretty smooth.

No morphine. I think they stopped issuing that as anaesthetic when the last Union soldier came off the battlefield. No...instead, upon leaving my consultation, I was given two pills, described as “valium” and to be taken an hour before the procedure. I have a friend who now has twelve of these “valium” stocked up in his bathroom. He’s been through lots of consultations (but no procedures). Apparently that happens a lot.

So, the day of the severing arrives, and, being me, I did a little thinking about the day. Some problems were identified:

1.  My wife had to take the kids to school in the morning and thus could not get me to the 7:30 appointment. Yes, there are some issues there. No, we haven’t dealt with them yet.

2.  I had never taken “valium” but thought it might be a bad idea to drive myself the six or so miles to the clinic after taking them.

3.  Looking ahead at the day, it looked like I wouldn’t be getting any exercise, and I was going to be in a reclining position on the couch or bed for a good portion of the day. I’m not a good stagnant person.

So...I decided to ride my bike. Popped the pills, put on my helmet and iPod™, and made my way for northeast Portland. It was a nice morning, and I really enjoyed the ride. I REALLY enjoyed the last 1/2 mile or so of the ride, though apparently I was nearly sideways for it. It took me about as long to travel the last 1/2 mile or so as it did the first 5 1/2, though I had no idea of that fact. I locked my bike up at the clinic, and then went for a short walk as I got there too early and the clinic had not yet opened. It was a BEAUTIFUL walk, and I saw lots of flowers and butterflies, and I remember the colors green and blue for some reason. When I got back to the clinic, I checked in with the receptionist, who looked at my helmet, and then looked at me very strangely. Turns out she knew something I didn’t know. They say “valium” because people tend to be more familiar with that term. What I really popped was Diazepam, which might be different, I’m not sure. In any case, I would almost go so far as to say that the hour before the procedure, one that made up for all of my lack of pharmacological experimentation in college, was well worth any discomfort that would follow.  

And I hadn’t yet met the Vicodin that they’d prescribe for me later that day!  Next question?

Christian: Ok. No on the morphine but yes on the Diazepam and Vicodin. Got it. So if it’s not morphine that you get when having surgery what is it that Doctors give you that knocks you out and causes you to wake up so happy that you want to have the whole procedure done again the next day?

Pat:  Well, they don’t GIVE you anything. You take the Diazepam that I told you about, which gets you so sufficiently relaxed and stoned that you really don’t need anything else. I know this will make you cringe, but imagine someone saying to you, “We’re going to pierce your scrotum now with a needle and anesthetize your package”, to which you calmly and almost happily reply, “Okay”. That’s about how it went. I asked if he minded if I listened to my iPod™ as he worked his magic, he said okay, and 30 minutes later or so it was over. Sidenote:  I find the guys at the StuffYouShouldKnow podcast make for a GREAT vasectomy distracter!

There was a short period of a nurse taping parts of my body to other parts of my body (apparently they’re worried about parts of your body escaping), and comments from her about me not getting too excited by all of the physical contact, but I didn’t really get what she was talking about or what was going on. Refer back to the effects of Diazepam for an explanation.

Then you go home. Be sure to stop at the drugstore and pick up your Vicodin, because that stuff is key. I don’t really know what it does, but at the slightest sign of discomfort (gas? sideache?  headache? toothache? right-wing radio call in shows?) pop one and the world becomes a really nice place. In case former addicts read this, please know that I no longer engage in the use of such pharmaceuticals, nor do I recommend addiction to them, but god put them on this planet for a reason, so please respect my religion and let me enjoy my sacrament!

What else do you want to know? When are you getting one? Can I have some of your Vicodin?

Christian: With my luck they would probably accidentally prescribe Viagra instead of Vicodin. Either way you can’t have any.  

Wait, you were conscious during the procedure? No morphine and no unconsciousness? This is just getting worse and worse all the time. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that you can’t have sex immediately afterwards.    

Pat:  I think you can have sex whenever you want afterwards, seconds afterwards even. But I think the medical professionals SUGGEST you wait a few days for the appropriate healing to take place. Relax...healing simply means letting the massive gaping wound come to complete suture. Or maybe they use staples. Not sure.

Interesting for me to learn was that it is advised you use a condom for about two months after the procedure. That seemed odd to me, as I thought that was the precise reason I got the avoid such actions. Turns out, logically enough, that there are still some live fellas inside, and you have to get them out of there before going freestyle. It got me thinking...imagine how lonely that would be. To know that you are the last of your kind, and that your entire life and legacy was in the hands (maybe literally) of some being you had no influence over. I think there’s a deep philosophical and ethical discussion to be had there. Perhaps another blog entry.

Christian: Yes, just like Fanta!

I think that’s all the questions I had. I’m kind of disappointed with the whole being conscious situation, but I typically have that complaint about most things. Anything else I should know?

Pat:  Ooh!  I think Fanta would make an excellent blog entry. I have LOTS to say on that topic.  Yeah...looks like we brought non-closure on this one, but talked it through well enough. I think our blaudience will be dying to know whether I convinced you, however. Might I suggest a physician?

Christian: Well, I am married and my wife doesn’t want anymore kids, which means I will eventually have this done whether I want to or not. One way or another. And yes I was planning on having a physician do it. Thanks for the suggestion.


  1. Do you guys remember that show called "Operation"? It was on back in the early 90s. Well, for some reason they showed vasectomies all the time. And since I watched that show when nothing else was on (which means I watched it everyday) I saw a lot of blurred wangs. It got to the point that I could/would recount for my friends how to do a vasectomy. They thought I was hilarious! I guess what I'm getting at is that kids are gross and everyone should avoid them at all costs.

  2. Megiweg - I'm looking for someone with a little stronger resume to do mine. Thanks for the offer though.

  3. you lost me at "The day of the severing..."

  4. I think I am with Christian about the "staying conscious" issue. I made it through some dental procedures fine, but my junk is precious. I don't know how I wouldn't instantly grab a surgical tool and murder the physicians, who, in my drugged state, would look like "little green men" to me. Afterall, no human male would willingly do this to another male. Right?

  5. You men are so funny. Not that I plan to do it, but lots of women squeeze a baby out of their junk...can you imagine doing that? Me neither. That's why Sol got a vasectomy in December. And Christian, he seemed to get through it just fine (yay drugs!) and for the record, had sex four days later. Did Amy want to have sex four days after giving birth? Don't answer that. I don't want to picture it, attractive as you both are.

    And I do understand that hormones do amazing things to get a woman's body to give birth, and that there are no corresponding hormones that make a man's body ready to have his vas deferens snipped. But again, yay drugs!

  6. I'm with Trina..quit being a bunch of weenies, fellas! (<--Ooh...the potential for double-entendre jokes is RIPE with that last zinger!)

    One important detail I forgot to mention, though, is that I have absolutely NO libido anymore. It's like my mojo went with my vast difference. Oh well...still, at least no more kids.

  7. Chris - Wasn't "The Day of the Severing" the subtitle to Hellraiser 2?

    Dedrick - Good point. I had never thought about the unintentional murder aspect of it.

    Trina - But what about the possible unintentional murder?

  8. Dudes and their "junk", I just don't get it. I could understand the attachment if you guys had a beautiful flower between your legs, but a trouser trout? Yech.

  9. oh Pat....tmi for this cousin!! NOT visualizing this one! Maybe a good topic for your students : )

  10. Pat,
    Drugs before the procedure sound like a good idea. I was completely sober when my doctor punctured my junk and stabbed a needle in each little guy. It didn't hurt terribly but it was very concerning.

  11. This was so great!! I love the insider's perspectives. Didn't know much about the vasectomy before. Love the image of a few swimmers hanging out until they're finally all catapulted out of there. Ha! So glad you linked this up with #findingthefunny!

  12. First of all, I don't know how I missed this. I only happen to see it on your side bar thingy. What other secrets are you two hiding?

    Secondly, Pat--did you ride your bike home after?!?!! You must be a god among men. Or else that Vallium is some really good stuff.

    1. I wish, Tumbleweed. You can call me a "god" again though...that was nice.

      No...while I probably WOULD have been happy to ride my bike home, my more sensible wife came to pick me up and suggested I go with her. There's a good chance, though, that I wore my bike helmet throughout the entire procedure. Can't remember.

  13. That is hilarious! Haha! Kudos on getting a vasectomy. Most men would chicken out, but you did it for your ladies, and maybe your wallets but whatever the reason, you are all so brave. It's not easy mentally and physically, having to endure the fact that you got a vasectomy and all. Anyway, good job guys. I love reading your articles. :)

    Harold Judelman