Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Triscuits vs. Wheat Thins

I like crackers. I like putting things on crackers and then eating them. I recently asked Pat if he had a preference between Wheat Thins and Triscuits.

Pat:  I'd probably opt for Wheat Thins over Triscuits.

Christian:  Oh dear god. You’re not a risk taker are you?

Pat:  Ease up, yo!  

I just said that because I knew that I liked Wheat Thins when I was younger, and that Triscuits felt like a bundle of hay in my mouth (which made me always envy cows with their cud and their ruminant stomachs), but in reality I hadn’t eaten either cracker in a long time.

But I just had a fancy Triscuit and it was really good. It was triangular and it tasted like stuff. I think it was supposed to be “garlic and herb” or something, but it was just really salty and tangy with a little dust on it, the kind you get to scrape off your fingers later as a second helping.

Can I change my vote?

Christian:  OK, I’ll concede it’s a tough choice. Both have great qualities. You can equate it to trying to decide if you like Paul McCartney or John Lennon more. Obviously Paul McCartney is Wheat Thins, with their more traditional cracker format and widespread mainstream appeal. While John Lennon is Triscuits, since they have a slight edginess too them and are more likely to protest something. Both are amazing once in a lifetime talents/crackers.      

As for me, I prefer John Lennon and thus prefer Triscuits. Wheat Thins can go to hell.

Pat:  Why do all of these dichotomous problems always get reduced to a Beatles comparison? I have nothing against them, really, they wrote some very fine jingles (though my jury is still out on the Plastic Ono Band and Wings...sometimes “better together” is more than a cliché), but must all problems be compared to which Beatle was better?

Why not Daltrey or Townshend?

Why not Ray or Dave Davies?

Why not Martin Luther or Martin Luther King, Jr.?

In fact, I’m going to venture a guess that we’ve moved on enough to change the standard for problem-comparisons:

I’d like to suggest that, by today’s standards, you have two choices, American or British:

Triscuits= Kurt Cobain OR Noel Gallagher

Wheat Thins= Eddie Vedder OR Liam Gallagher.

What say you?

Christian:  Townshend, Ray Davies, Jr., Cobain, Vedder, Triscuits.  Wait, which Gallagher brother is the annoying one and which one is the talented one? Or is it vice-versa?  

Either way the Gallagher brothers, and Eddie Vedder for that matter, are more Ritz crackers than Wheat Thins or Triscuits; fine for a cheap whorish cheese spread when you absolutely need to put it on a cracker. But I just don’t think their body of work is in the same category as a Triscuit or Wheat Thin. I mean come on, have you heard some of the later Oasis albums? Do you really want to put a nice cheese or quality artichoke dip on them? No. Definitely Ritz material.

Pat:  You got me totally curious: what does a “quality artichoke dip” look and taste like, and where can I acquire one? Is that part of what makes people “feel good in the neighborhood” at Applebee’s? And “whorish cheese spread” just ruined my appetite -- for food and for prostitution!

You know, I’ve learned something in my 38 years of living, and that is that you can find yourself thinking on something for a long time, unable to come to a conclusion, and then, when your brain quiets down and you STOP thinking on it, the answer comes to you, like the ray of light coming through the clouds in one of those velvetty god paintings. That just happened to me. I removed myself from this question long enough to realize that I too appreciate Triscuits more than Wheat Thins, not for the taste or texture or nutritional value, but for the shear artistry of their creation. Have you ever seen the weave on those things, like really looked at it? I don’t know what kind of grain-loom they have there at Nabisco, but it must be amazing! In that sense, our analogies are all wrong. It’s more like a cotton t-shirt vs. a shetland wool sweater, and the sweater will always get my vote. Triscuits win!

By the way, Noel was said to have the talent. You’d think though, with all of that supposed talent and style, they’d both have had better hair. That stuff just looked silly!

Christian:  Yes, like a Ritz cracker.


  1. I didn't realize how tragically unable I am to make this choice myself. If I could only rescue one of these to take with me to the island, my first instinct is Wheat Thins. But what if there's some spreadable cheese or something there. Then I would be kicking myself for not grabbing the Triscuits. Oh, woe is me.

  2. Dedrick - If we are talkin' which cracker to take with us on a deserted island I might have to go with Wheat Thins. I think it would be much easier to build a shelter out of Wheat Thins than Triscuits. They would keep the rain out better too.