Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Christmas Trees: Real vs Fake

Like in most families, the Christmas tree is a staple for Christmas celebration in my family. Just like mistletoe and strong margaritas. And for the longest time I was an adamant advocate against fake trees. You wouldn’t take your kid to see a fake Santa Claus... um. wait no. I mean you wouldn’t have a fake baby Jesus in your nativity scene... Actually, forget that one. How about, you wouldn’t hang fake icicles from your house? Damnit! I did that one last year.

My point is, I was very much against fake trees for some reason. But as I got older and kids began to dismount I have completely changed my tune. Two years ago we bought our first fake tree and it was electrifying! I was overwhelmed with the convenience. We no longer had to fight the crowds and search and search only to end up with a very unsymmetrical tree like thing. More often than not, resembling a trapezoid more than a triangle. Plus we really like silver Christmas trees and it was becoming quite the hassle to have to spray paint our tree every year.

Thus a new era had begun in my household where fake trees were celebrated as if they were amongst the living. How do you fall on this fake vs. real issue Pat?

Pat:   I’ll get to it, but I am dying to know what a “dismounting child” is. I had some pretty funny images running through my head on that one. My favorites all included Mary Lou Retton. Funny.

Really? You really have to ask me this question? Your whole suggestion of the topic kinda’ makes me question your state-of-origin. While I consider myself an ardent environmentalist, and cringe every time I water my lawn, prune my trees, include non-native fruits or vegetables in our compost, or chuck an empty Big Gulp™ cup into the river, when it comes to Christmas trees, all bets are off.

I go back to that ad from our youth, the one that the Oregon Logging Industry or some such group put out as a response to the Spotted Owl issue. The one that included an expansive view from above of a forest, and the line, “Oregon will NEVER grow out of trees!” At Christmas time (or Hannu-Kwanzaa time), I feel like it’s my duty, as a lifelong Oregonian, to do my part to help rid the state of the invasive and threatening Christmas tree. Cut’ em down, and put ‘em in your house to let the other trees know you mean business, I say! Well, that, and to help bring the warm spirit of Christmas into your house.

Christian: First off, yes, the Mary Lou Retton image is an accurate image to have in regards to dismounting children. The dismounting of a horse is also accurate.

During their births, both my kids jumped out of the womb
and landed in this position.

But back to the trees. I wasn’t aware that cutting down Christmas trees helped out the Spotted Owls. I also didn’t know Spotted Owls were still around. I thought they didn’t make it. But hey, good for them.  

However, since there are no longer any TV commercials talking about them and how they are endangered we can safely assume they are doing just fine (probably too fine). So since there’s no need to buy a real Christmas tree for the owls’ sake, I say the convenience of a fake tree still outweighs any benefits of a real one.  

What? That can’t be a real owl. That’s an Ewok from Star Wars. Are we sure these
Spotted Owls ever existed in the first place?

While you and your family are out battling the cold and rain trying to tie a tree to your car, my kids and I are busting out our family Christmas wrenches to erect our celebrated tree. The tree is up and ready to go in 20 minutes. Beat that!

I’ve also noticed that our fake tree doesn’t require nearly as much water as a real one. So you save on water too!

Pat:  Yeah...we gave up on water years ago. Instead we tell the kids that the holidays are the time of year when we pray to the lord that s/he not take our house in a blaze of flame. It’s good to get the kids some religion now and then.

Back to your argument. You have good points, all of them. But what do you do about the smell? How do you get that wintry freshness from your pine of steel?

Christian: Excellent question. Yes, smell was always something I really enjoyed with regards to mortal trees, and was another reason why I had previously avoided purchasing an immortal one.

But have no fear, you do not have to go without smell. There are plenty of Christmas tree smell replication products out there for you. But you know what’s even better? The smell of grilled cheese sandwiches. Just take that delicious sandwich of yours and rub it all over the tree. There’s no pine scent to compete with so you’ll be smelling that sandwich all day long as you open presents! Be sure to make two so you still have one to eat. ;)

You see, another benefit of a fake tree is that you can make it smell like anything you want!

Like the smell of lemons? Spray some lemon scented Pledge on your tree. Not only will it give it that nice lemony smell, it will make it sparkle like a linoleum floor!

Or how about the smell of an old fashioned charcoal grill? No problem! Take those coals, light ‘em up, and pour ‘em under the tree. It’s fake so what could go wrong? I like mesquite.

If it doesn’t smell like how you want it to, it’s your fault, not the tree’s.

Side Note: I don’t recommend spraying it with any of that Axe Body Spray. It just ends up causing a bunch of sexy women to surround your tree while rubbing their hands all over it. Really makes it hard for the kids to enjoy the ornaments.

Pat:  This seems really inappropriate for a holiday themed blog post, but if you re-read your statement immediately above you’ll notice that the word “hard” causes a bit of a double entendrĂ©. Huh huh!

Christian: Pat, for the love of god will you grow up and get your head out of the... Oh wait I get it. “Hard” like an erection. He he. Erection. You totally nailed that one Pat!

And that is what Christmas is all about.

Pat:  Really?  I “nailed” it? 


  1. I have no opinion on the realness of Christmas trees but I do think Ewoks are the stupidest thing ever to grace the silver screen. Midgets dressed up as bears. Geez oh pete.

  2. @Anna - But they saved the Rebels. If the entire evil Empire hadn't been taken down single handily by all those tiny bears then the dark side would have prevailed!

  3. Real tree for me. I must have the smell. We can't fit a real tree in the truck, but a few rosemary twigs do the trick nicely and they don't spooge pine sap all over the place.

    I'm loving Holiday Pegicorn and the header, btw.

  4. Ok, I just need to clarify the kids did not dismount in such a peppy manner. There was some work involved on my part...

  5. Don't worry people. Yes Amy did have some involvement in the birthing of our kids, but her view was somewhat obstructed so she couldn't really see the kids dismount as well I could. If they didn't dismount like I described in the post above then why did all the judges give them 10.0 accept that pesky Russian judge that only gave them a 9.7?

  6. @Tumbleweed - Thanks! Pegicorn wears that stocking hat with pride.

  7. eh, The Dark Side had better clothes.

  8. Can't decide which is funnier, the owl bit or the erection...