Thursday, January 12, 2012

Friendly Neighbors or Creepy Clones?

I consider myself a very open-minded person, especially when it comes to issues of culture, race, immigration, economic class and vegetarianism. I don’t believe anyone is inherently superior to anyone else, I’m all for gender equality, I believe people should orient themselves however they see fit, and I think walls between countries are just silly (and expensive!). That said, I’d be dishonest if I didn’t acknowledge that there is one specific group of people who just kind of raise the hairs on my neck and give me that skeptical feeling in my brain and tummy.

How do you feel about Canadians, Christian?  

Christian: I have no problem with Canadians. In fact I have a good friend that is one quarter Canadian. I just don’t see color. I mean, I don’t see race. Is Canadian a race? Probably not. I mean, I don’t see Canadians. No, that’s not right either. I mean, I don’t see differences amongst North Americans. Yes. Except Mexicans. Because they do look visually different than us. I do see that.  

Anyways, what is it about Canadians that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Pat:  First off, thank you for correctly assuming that I was not talking about geese. I’ll be more careful to specify next time. By the way, when it comes to geese, it’s not the Canada geese I have problems with, but those Hawaiian geese--the pompous and mean-spirited Nene!

Back to your question...I DON’T KNOW! And that’s precisely WHY Canadians kind of freak me out. I’ve never been good about listening to or using my intuition, but darnit if our friends (or ARE they?) to the north don’t set off my alarms. Petty, I know, but I liked Neil Young and Alex Trebek a little bit more when I thought they were as American as Stills and Crosby and Jeopardy, respectively.

They’re fine, I suppose, what with their historically less-valuable dollar, their slightly watery beer, and their anachronistic connections to the Queen Mum. It just seems they are like us, but a little less (your friend, of course, in only one quarter a little less in my book). Sounds harsh, I know, but sometimes you gotta’ just listen to what your tummy tells you.

Christian: I see. Are you sure this doesn’t have something to do with your fear of Latitudes? Since they are more north than us and you have that ridiculous sensible fear that everything, including people, get smaller and smaller the more north you go.

Pat:  Oh, you might be onto something there. I think that’s what analysts call “projection”, whereby I project (thus the name!) my discomfort onto those whom I deem it represents. I’ve never been to an analyst, though, so I really have no idea, but that sounds about right. Is it?

Have you been to see one? It’s okay...I won’t judge if you have. Well, not much.

Christian: I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I have no problem with Canadians. And I’m not just saying that because our blog stataticians have informed me that we do get the occasional Canadian reader. And I would just like to say to them “Hi there. You’re OK in my book!”

You have tremendously tasty bacon, police who ride horses, and …. and other Canadian things.

Don’t listen to Pat. He’s a little bit “off”, and should probably see an analyst, which I have never done, because I’m totally sane.

So if the question before us is whether they are Friendly Neighbors or Creepy Clones - I’m going with Friendly Neighbors, eh.

Pat:  Alright, alright...I’m not beyond being convinced otherwise on this one, but you have to wonder about a few things:

Do you think there are as many Americans who watch the Canadian Genie Awards as there are Canadians who watch and respect and revere and pay homage to the American Oscar Awards? The same can be asked using a Grammy/Juno comparison.

Christian: What is a Genie award?

Pat: Do you think Canadians eat more of their own bacon or more of ours? Ours, I bet!

Christian: Well yeah, but we’re talking about bacon here...

Pat: Why do so many super Canadian artists--such as Neil Young, Sandra Oh, and Carl Newman (who does a STELLAR cover of your favorite 80s song, “Take On Me”, by the way!)--decide to take up residence here in the U.S.?

Christian: Those people aren’t American? I thought they were...

Pat: Why do SO many of their geese choose to stay here and shit all over our parks?

Christian: Those aren’t our geese?

Pat: All of these things point to one thing for me...THEY WANT TO BE LIKE US!

I’m okay with that. But I wished they had the inner confidence to realize that they’re okay on their own. Do they even realize what they’ve got going with health care? And Poutine? Have you tried that stuff? Puts Frito-Pie to shame, I’ll tell you that!

Love yourself, Canada, that’s all I’m asking.

Christian: Or is it maybe that you want them to want to be like us? Or MAYBE it’s that you are projecting yourself onto them in wanting to be like us, which in turn means you actually want to be like them!!! A-ha! That’s it, isn’t it!

This isn’t the first time you’ve mentioned Poutine to me in recent past, which makes sense now.

Side-note: For those unfamiliar with Poutine it looks like this:

Those Canadians sure know how to put the Pou in Poutine.

Plus you seem to know an awful lot about Hollywood celebrities that were born in Canada but moved to the US and their geese. And now that I think about it, how do you even know about these Genie and Juno awards in the first place? It’s all clear now.  

You wish you were Canadian. Case closed. QED. La Fin.

Pat:  Dude! You are SO much cheaper than therapy! Thanks. Have you had poutine yet?

Christian: No way. I don’t trust foreign food.


  1. The only thing that bothers me about Canada is their bacon. It's HAM, which is all find and dandy if you are in the mood for it, but bacon it aint.

    Also, I googled Poutine, but spelled it wrong and up pops a picture of Putin and that dude does NOT have a soul, and now that I know he's Candadian, I am more against them than I was 5 minutes ago.

  2. So back when I was still doing customer service if someone called and asked really unforgivably stupid questions, then you knew they were Canadian. I mean even before the telltale mangling of the pronunciation of very basic words. I was unbelievable how incredibly insane these questions were.

    My theory about the celebs that defected to the US is that they were the only smart ones in the whole country and realized that they had to get out or risk being made into "bacon" and eaten by their countrymen. The only one that doesn't hold true for is Justin Bieber, but I attribute that to fact that he's a poorly made robot. Outwardly, they did a great job (they did mess up and make him look pretty feminine, but over all he looks human) , but his OS leaves a lot to be desired.

  3. @Tumbleweed - Interesting. I had no idea Poutine was a Russian dish.

    @Megiweg - Justin Bieber is Canadian? I wonder if he is related to Putin.

  4. This was so great! I'm still cracking up at your perception that people get smaller the farther north you go. Hahaha!!!

  5. Umm, Kelley. What do you mean my "perception" that people get smaller? It's proven fact! I can't prove it to you of course, for that would require travel too far north, but it's easily visible that most Canadians are smaller than me. I'm 5'7" by the way.


    Whew. That was a close one.

    My opinion on America Jr. is this: Who else is going to live in the frozen tundra? Seriously, who says to themselves? You know where would be super awesome to live? A place that the ground is frozen 80% of the year! Those people cannot be correct.

    Also here is my post about Canadia:

  7. @Anna - Excellent points there! And I love the term America Jr. Although it does make me crave a hamburger.