Thursday, December 12, 2013

Best Christmas Song

Tis the season to be tis-ing things and since we both have strong opinions on music I thought we should try and pin down what is the best Christmas song of all time. Plus I know how much Pat loves narrowing down an impossibly broad scope of work into a singular representative as the pinnacle of that medium.

I’m pretty sure I have the correct answer to this one Pat, so I’ll let you start.

Pat:  Can we do Columbus Day songs, instead?  I’m much better with those.

If not, I’m going with Band-Aid’s, Do They Know It’s Christmastime?  I’m going with that for two reasons.

1.  It contains the voices or instrumentation of nearly all of my favorite bands from my early teen years.  Those mostly British new wave-y bands (MUCH cooler than the USA for Africa people, anyway!  Well, except for Dylan and Springsteen).

2.  For you to refute it--which, given the slightly dated nature of it and the preponderance of far more “classic” tunes--would illuminate you as an insensitive jerk, blind to the plight of millions of now-40-something Ethiopians who might just have starved 30 years ago if it weren’t for Sir Bob Geldof and his friends.  You’re not going to be a jerk, are you?

Oh...if we’re going with Columbus Day songs, I’m going with Indian Reservation by Paul Revere and the Raiders.  More of an anti-Columbus Day song, I know, but it’s how I celebrate it.

Christian: I don’t know. There’s just something about Bob Geldof that doesn’t seem that Christmasy.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good song. I do like it and enjoy listening to it around the holidays but best Christmas song of all time? Not a Frosty the Snowman’s chance in hell.

You should try again.

Pat:  No, YOU try.  I’m sticking with it.  And PLEASE don’t suggest “Frosty…”  That song drives me nuts.

Christian: A Holly Jolly Christmas.

Just saying the title makes me hear Burl Ives in my earhole.  Ahhh…

I win, right?

Pat:  I do like me some Burl Ives, and I agree that to go with anyone else is near sacrilege, but…no.  You’re not going to win me over with the rotund bearded grandpa singing the folksy exit song from “Rudolph…”.

I’m sticking with Band-Aid.

But fine, if you don’t like that one, then I’m going pagan traditional on your ass and marking The Holly and the Ivy.  I’d like to see you just TRY to refute tradition (and pagans, man...please be careful when you’re refuting pagans!).

Christian: That song about berries and deer? Is Santa Claus even mentioned in it anywhere? How can you go with that one? Sure it’s a pretty song. But it’s not very fun. Or festive.

The Best Christmas song should put a smile on your face, not make you want to walk out into the woods alone, to second guess all of your life decisions.

Do They Know It’s Christmastime? was a much better choice than The Holly and the Ivy. You’re going in the wrong direction Pat.

Pat:  Where the hell did you get “deer” from The Holly and the Ivy?  Berries, sure, but I don’t think deer are even mentioned anywhere in the song.

Come to think of it, I don’t think anything is mentioned in the song.  I think it’s instrumental.

(Just fact checked this.  Kinda’ embarrassed.  Turns out not only are there words to the song--lots of them in fact--but holly, ivy, berries, and deer are all mentioned.  My bad.  Sorry.)

Yep, I’ll stick with my first gambit.  Do They Know It’s Christmastime it is!

And hey!  Did you know that Burl Ives played Big Daddy in Cat On a Hot Tin Roof?


Christian:  I always wondered what he looked like once all that snow melted off of him.

I went ahead and consulted with the judges (my two cats) and it has officially been decided that you are disqualified from choosing best Christmas song. I don’t know which is worse: The fact that you suggested a song that you thought was an instrumental song but wasn’t or the fact that you selected a song that you thought was an instrumental song.

How on Earth could you suggest an instrumental song (although mistakenly) as best Christmas song? You can’t sing along with an instrumental Pat.

I don’t think you are qualified enough to make this decision. In fact you are DISQUALIFIED!

Disqualified! Meow!


Pat:  I think we might celebrate Christmas differently.  Our celebrations involve no cats, and certainly no animals with man-hands.  Stars on treetops, garlands on mantles, nutcrackers on shelves...but no man-cats.

Christian: The man-cat Christmas tradition originates from the birth of Christ.

Very few people know this but there are actually two versions of this story. The more popular one is where the three wise men show up and hand out parting gifts and all, but there is another version that says there was zero three wise men. Just a bunch of feral cats running around. They were in a stable after all.

I think most scholars agree, it’s nearly impossible to figure out which story is correct so it is best to celebrate both by combining the three wise men and the feral cats into a few man-cats.

And that is how Jesus was born.

Zero three wise men.

Anyhoo, since you’re disqualified now we’re just going to go with A Holly Jolly Christmas as the best Christmas song of all time. I’d also be fine with going with Sleigh Ride, Here Come Santa Claus, Jingle Bells, It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas, Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow or Mele Kalikimaka.

Actually, how about this? Since our dearest cherished readers are some of the most intelligent and highly attractive people around, we’ll let them decide. Give us your vote. Any Christmas song you want. We’ll tally up the votes and declare the winning song next week. But just to be clear, no one is going to win anything.

Merry Christmas!

35 comments:

  1. I'm just glad neither of you suggested "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" or "Little Drummer Boy" the two most insufferable Christmas songs in existence. I think you're both forgetting the truly greatest Christmas song ever to tickle the eardrums of the world, "Christmas in Hollis" by the immortal Run DMC.

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    1. Okay, I guess "immortal" was a poor choice of words considering Jam Master Jay is no longer with us, but I stand by that song.

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    2. Was Jam Master Jay the drummer boy?

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  2. Best Christmas song of all time?

    Anything by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Imaginary rodents ROCK.

    Devil Horns,

    Pearl

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    1. Anything by the Chipmunks make me want to harm children. and move to Canada.

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  3. Give me Jingle Cats any day. Do I win any points with the cat judges?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQlr_QRDrz8

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    1. You do, but their votes don't count for anything more than kibble.

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  4. “Do They Know its Christmastime” gives me anxiety. I find it traumatic because every year—without fail—this song is playing over the mall speakers when I’m out doing my last minute shopping. I have no choice but to associate it with violence and chaos.

    I think “Dominick the Donkey” should be on the list. Everyone loves when I sing it. “Oh, Chiz, it’d be splendid if you can bless our ears with your lovely rendition of Dominick the Donkey! We’d love it ever so much!”

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    1. Never heard of it. Is it from the Rankin-Bass "Little Drummer Boy" special? The one about the disgruntled little kid? I recall there was a donkey in that one. It might have been the source of disgruntlement.

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  5. Just don't let it be Baby, It's Cold Outside. I loathe that song! I worked for one Christmas season at a department store and that's basically all they played over the speakers. Wanted to kill that adorable little couple singing it.

    My vote would be with Pearl...Alvin and the Chipmunks..."Don't Be Late!"

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    1. Anyone else considered the parallels between "Baby, It's Cold Outside" and "Blurred Lines". Both have some rather questionable lines.

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  6. The Pogues "Fairytale of New York" is the best Christmas song in the history of ever. It's not traditional, sure, but it's smelly, dirty, gritty and poignant. Traditionally, "Let it Snow" is always awesome and I enjoy "Do They Know It's Christmaas" particularly when the Barenaked Ladies did it. I have spoken. :)

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    1. Oh...dammit, the Pogues. I forgot them. Probably 'cause I was drunk. Like them. Yep, they win. At least until the next time I black out.

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    2. This. Fairytale of New York is the best Christmas song because it actually stands up as a decent song for the rest of the year. A great song for cynical gits like me.

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  7. No, no, no! Pat is not disqualified! He's correct in that it's the best modern holiday song. Christian, stop being so mean. Don't you know it's Christmastime?

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    1. I love you, Megiweg. If you're ever in need of marrying please let me know.

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  8. Merry Christmas from the family...none of those others mention tampons OR Marlboro Lights!!

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    1. I'm glad you mentioned Marlboro Lights. I need to remember to get stocking stuffers for the kids.

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  9. I would, because I'm a shameless self promoter, say this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icy_lcKebD4
    Also, any Christmas song with tampons in it will get my vote.

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    1. Ooh...I'm always a sucker for a haunting whispery baritoney carol from Canadia!

      That scared the shit out of me.

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  10. I think we should have a Most Loathed Christmas Song contest because I'm totally surprised no one brought up that old favorite Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Death for the holidays, for an innocent old woman, perpetrated by the fat, jolly man himself and his evil herd of minions.
    And I LOVE Burl Ives. It's just not Christmas until I hear It's a Holly Jolly Christmas. But I may be scarred for life with that tub pic. I'm scrubbing my eyes with mistletoe.

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    1. Nothing says yuletide like vehicular manslaughter!

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  11. I don't know. I might have to go with Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire. It's my new fav for funny songs. Otherwise, since it's Christ's birthday we're talking about, I would want a song that has anything to do with that subject. But if you're being funny, clearly it's Chipmunks Roasting.

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    1. I hadn't ever heard "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire" before. And now that I see it's about Alvin and his friends I think we might have a winner.

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  12. One year, a co-worker and I changed all of our co-workers' names into Christmas-themed versions for the holiday party...for example, one co-worker named "Cheryl Reca" became "Cheryl Wreath-a", etc. etc. We were successful in coming up with names for everyone until we got to a kid whose last name was Fox. We could think of nothing, so he became "Bill Fox's nuts roasting on an open fire". <--- HR not amused. And for the record "Adeste Fidelis" (yes, Latin version -- beautiful) is the best Christmas song, ever. (Well, after the Pogues' Latin version of "Fairytale of New York"). And that "Last Christmas" BS by Wham (exclamation point) should be illegal in 49 states. (Florida is allowed to have it, because, really? How much more damage can you do to that state?)

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    1. Ok, I've spent the last several minutes trying to think of a Christmas name for Bill Fox and you're right, there isn't one. What a jerk.

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  13. When I was in my late teens I worked in a store where the owner's wife played Mariah Carey's Christmas album over... and over... and... over... all day, EVERY DAY! I think she pioneered the music torture techniques they use to break terrorists at Gitmo. Now I can't listen to any of those songs she covered without the horrible, horrible memories coming back. I got nuthin'.

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    1. Hey don't put down Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Thanks to it we found Bin Laden.

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  14. How could you fail to mention Southpark's Lonely Jew on Christmas, performed by Kyle? It's the best.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP1gNYU27Tk

    Happy holidays, sillies.
    xoRobyn

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    1. We'll be meeting with our PCPPP Holiday Songs and Cheeses Department to see how this oversight came to be. Someone is getting fired over this.

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    2. Good, then I've done my job. Do keep me posted. I'll relay any updates to Kyle. Thank you.

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  15. Um...how about "The Christmas Song" as performed by the extraordinarily amazing Nat King Cole? Oh yes indeed. You just got owned! Blam!

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  16. To be honest I haven't been subjected to christmas songs this year, I am just not feeling it.

    I go with "Last Christmas" because it is annoying but they keep playing it so it must be good.

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    1. Last Christmas by WHAM? I just watched the video to get a reminder. Nothing says Christmas like watching George Michael flirt with women in a ski lodge.

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