Pat, are you familiar with that board game “Sorry” where you draw cards and move little witnesses to mob crimes around a board trying to get them all into a safe house? This game:
Is it just me or does this image seem slightly crooked?
It’s making me feel kind of dizzy.
Pat: I remember that game! It’s connected to the mob? Really? Weird...I always assumed it was part of a Soviet training regimen designed to get people comfortable with the slow pace of inconsequential activities. I guess we’re all wrong some of the time.
Why do you ask?
Christian: Maybe it was just me that added the witness to mob crimes aspect to it. Anyways, this game was one of my favorites when I was a youth/in my twenties/thirties/now. However my five year old recently received this game as a gift. A brand new version.
It had some odd optional fire and ice things and rules that you can add to the game if you want to spice it up. Which of course I immediately threw down the garbage disposal. The game is perfect as it is. Everyone knows this.
Strictly out of curiosity though, I read the rules to know what these fire and ice abominations were all about. But I quickly learned that not only did they add these stupid fire and ice things/rules but they changed some of the core rules to the game! For example traditionally to leave your start circle you had to draw a one or a two. But nowadays you just have to draw a positive number. It’s almost impossible not to do this. What the pansy fuck?
Someone told me that at some point Parker Brothers changed the rules to some of their old school games to speed them up. By making these games easier I’m concerned we are raising a generation of weak sissies.
On a scale of terrifyingly concerned to there is no limit to the amount of concern I should have, how concerned should we be?
Pat: Fire and ice, eh? Just got some of that myself. Heh heh heh.
And I don’t know what the pansy fuck, Christian. Do you think they might be trying to speed up the games in an effort to get kids bored with them sooner so that they buy more and more games? If so, that seems pretty sneaky, sis! (game pun!)
Christian: I don’t know what their game (pun!) is. All I know is that they have ruined Sorry.
In addition to the start rules they also changed how the 8 sliders along the sides of the Sorry board work. Back in my day you could only slide down a slider that was the same color as you. And we loved it.
Nowadays the sliders are multi-colored which means anyone of any color can slide down them. I prefer the old days when they segregated people by color... Wait a second…
But sliders got me thinking about two things:
1. Slider burgers. Who invented those little, fucking annoying finger-burgers? And why the hell do we call them “sliders”? Where are they sliding to or from, besides from my index finger and thumb to my gullet in far too small a bite? Stupid finger-burgers!
2. Chutes and Ladders, ‘cause I used to think about how much fun it would be to slide down all those slides, ESPECIALLY the one that took you from way up near the top, where you were almost winning, to way down at the bottom, where you were guaranteed to lose. And it bummed me out, because I was smart enough to know that the goal of the game was to get to the top, but I was also smarter enough to know that who the fuck wants to spend all their energy climbing ladders when they could be zipping down slides? And then I would lose.
Christian: So what I’m hearing here is that you found the old school games difficult and would prefer them to be dumbed down. And that you don’t understand small hamburgers.
Is this what you’re saying?
Pat: I didn’t find them difficult so much as disappointing. The games, that is (but, actually, I suppose it’s true for the burgerettes as well). I understood that they were about competition and winning and ambition, but I just don’t didn’t have any of those qualities or desires. So, yeah...I tended to suck at old school games. I guess I kinda’ suck at new school games, too. You’re not going to invite me over for game night anytime soon, are you?
Christian: Don’t worry Pat, that wasn’t going to happen anyways.
So you have no opinion about Parker Brothers changing the rules to their games? Great. You are aware that this blog is called Point Counter-Point Point Point. The points mean point of views.
Pat: Right. Oh yes. I disagree with you wholeheartedly!
I can’t believe you would even think such an inane thing!
What the pansy fuck is the world coming to, Christian, when you can just willy-nilly have insane ideas about very important things like the one you just had!?
Christian: Yes, but you are completely wrong. Just wait. 20 years from now when we get invaded by Canada, our future sissy soldiers - who grew up playing easy to play and everyone “wins” type board games - won’t stand a chance against Canada’s strong willed horse mounted Army Mounties. You might as well get used to putting maple syrup on everything now Pat.