Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What do Dustin Hoffman, Chocolate and Caulking Have in Common?

Hey Christian, what is “tootsie”? I know it’s a candy, but it’s like the Goofy of candy... nobody seems to know exactly what the hell it’s supposed to be. Is it chocolate? Is it taffy? Can it be used to insulate drafty windows?

Penny for your thoughts, compadré?

Christian: That is a damn good question. But I think they are officially called “Tootsie Rolls” not “Tootsie”. I think “tootsie” was a term they used to call a woman that was sexually available back in the 1940s, during the renaissance period.  

I’ve never been a fan of them (Tootsie rolls, not sexually available women), even when I was a kid. It was always the one candy I dreaded getting when trick or treating. I would usually just hand it back and say “If this is the best you got then I’m just going to be moving on. Thank you.”

I would have guessed that Tootsie Rolls are some sort of toffee based candy but according to wikipedia there is no toffee. However there is Soy Lecithin, which must be what I remember tasting.

The internet defines Lecithin as “a generic term to designate any group of yellow-brownish fatty substances occurring in animal tissues” which to me describes Tootsie Rolls to a tee. In addition to Tootsie Rolls, Lecithin is also used in paints and motor lubricants. Yum! 

Mmmm... yellow-brownish fatty substance. 

And here is another pic... oh wait that’s McDonalds’ McNugget Sweet N Sour sauce.

Also, I can’t confirm this but I suspect that Tootsie Rolls were created and developed by the Department of Defense.

Are you a fan of them? As more than a weather sealant?

Pat: No. Like you, they were always the immediate buzzkill of the Halloween candy haul. So disregarded, in fact, that I would look my mom square in the face and tell her my stash of Halloween loot was gone, despite the massive mound of tootsie (<--is it okay to not capitalize it?) behind me. So unwanted it didn’t even merit consideration.

Never thought about the weather sealant aspect though? It has been drafty around here lately...

Christian: But you asked about using it to insulate drafty windows in your opening paragraph? Have you been eating a lot of Tootsie Rolls? They say that ingesting too many can effect your memory. Or maybe I’m thinking of paint thinner.

Pat:  Huh? What are you talking about? I thought we were on another post about Canadians. Do they eat tootsie? I bet they call it something different if they do. Probably something like “brown-chew”.

ps-  this might have been me right before that last entry:

Christian: Pat, you need to lay off the brown-chew. And the tootsie roll in that picture is frighteningly large.

We must not forget though that the geniuses over at the Tootsie labs weren’t satisfied with just delivering tootsie in the roll up format -  they decided to play God and defy the laws of nature by packaging them as Tootsie Pops too.

Now when it comes to Tootsie Pops I’m a little torn. Yes I appreciate them as the pinnacle of engineering achievement, that demonstrates that there is truly no limit to what the human mind can achieve through science, but also, I actually do like the lollipop part of them. As far as lollipops go they aren’t that bad. It’s just that they have the unfortunate side effect of leaving your mouth full of Tootsie when you are done, instead of the more traditional nothing.

And I think we agree, nothing is better than Tootsie. Wait that’s not right. What I’m trying to say is that I would rather have nothing than Tootsie. Meaning, if given the choice between having nothing or having Tootsie, I would choose nothing. Umm... Wait. You understand that I would be choosing something, right? The choice being choosing the nothing. Versus choosing the Tootsie. OK. Let’s say I have two boxes... Oh never mind.  You understand.

I wish they made a Tootsie Free Tootsie Pops.

Pat:  Clear as tootsie, there, buddy! I getcha and gotcha! “Just say ‘No’ to Tootsie!” Word!

You know what, though? That ad...the one from the early 80s that challenged us to try and try and try to figure out how many licks it took to get to that annoying center of the tootsie pop? That was advertising GENIOUS!  I must’ve gone through at least 400 pops trying to figure that one out...BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS BITE TOWARDS THE END! Still trying!

Did anyone else suffer from “cut up inner-cheeks” from that? It seemed like the moment you bit into that tootsie center, the blood just started flowing.

Christian: Can’t relate. I was always very cautious when it came to Tootsie Pops. That drugged up owl from those commercials made it very clear that it was all too easy to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop prematurely.

You can’t tell me he’s not on something.

Maybe it was my Miyagi-style Wax karate self training that gave me such precision. WAX OFF! But I rarely bit into the Tootsie portion of a Tootsie Pop. And to be honest I didn’t really care how many licks it took either. I left that to the scientists to figure out.

My only concern was that once I sensed any kind of tootsie penetration or that the tootsie pop was about to climax into it’s tootsie center, I got that thing out my mouth.

Nothing is worse than premature tootsie-lation.   

Pat:  Now that’s just gross. And now I feel a little icky, and kind of violated, and I can’t even think of a witty retort.

Tootsie porn? Really? 


  1. Brown-chew is the perfect alternate title for Tootsie. You know they now sell flavored Tootsie rolls? Like, lemon, and apple? They are colored, too. It is as horrible as you'd think.

  2. I don't understand you guys. How could you not love Tootsie Rolls? They are one of nature's perfect foods. Eggs and Tootsie Rolls- they have everything you need. Do you think it's because you're both so old? Has senility set in?

    1. Yep. I hate kids, too. Damn kids!

    2. Yes it must be that 3 year age difference between us that is causing you to state such absurd proclamations.

  3. You two are crazy! Ha! Tootsie rolls aren't nearly as bad as PEEPS!!!! Ugh. I laughed out loud at the part about having a mound of Tootsie rolls and telling your mom you had no more candy left. Also, I remember the movie Tootsie. Loved it.

    1. You're right, Peeps might be worse. But at least they only come around one time a year. And of course I'm talking about Thanksgiving time. My mom makes a mean peep potato salad.

  4. I'll admit, I like a Tootsie every now and then. (The candy not sexually available women. Except for maybe possibly Angelinga Jolie before she had 53 kids)

    But you have ruined that now with all your Tootsie porn and high owl talk!

    1. Ru-lightened?

      I actually have a t-shirt with that owl on it, so I can't quit him totally.

  5. Too funny! Thanks for linking up to finding the funny! :)