Thursday, May 17, 2012

C is For Cholesterol

Here at PCPPP we’re not afraid to discuss controversial and polarizing issues that affect Sesame Street. For example, awhile back we did an expose on whether or not Snuffleupagus should be seen or not and to be honest with you, we really blew the lid off of that one.

This time around it has to do with Cookie Monster and the eating habits he promotes. A few years ago there were rumors going around that in hopes of promoting a healthier lifestyle, the Sesame Street team was going to change Cookie Monster to Veggie Monster or Broccoli Monster and maybe make him green too? I don’t know. But according to Muppet Wikia (a daily read for me) this was all just rumors and nonsense.

But should they have? Take it away Pat!

Pat:  Nah, I don’t think so. That would have been one of those cheap ploys that kids can see through so easily, like when Schoolhouse Rocks! tried to convince me that eating a bowl of cottage cheese with a pineapple ring and banana was just as good as eating a bowl of ice cream with sugar crap on top of it. And I knew, in all of my seven years of wisdom, that it doesn’t matter how many maraschino cherries you put on top of it, that “Saturday” was a bullshit version of my “Sundae”. I was old enough to roll my eyes at the cheap attempt at a pun, too!

No...I say, keep Cookie Monster, but introduce a NEW character to challenge him. Something like the “Soy Goy”, a vegetarian non-Jew who enjoys carob snacks and sesame sticks the way Cookie Monster enjoys his cookies. Maybe the Soy Goy could move in next to Cookie Monster, so that not only does he have to deal with his dietary habits being challenged, but he also has to confront the hard realities of urban gentrification and ethnic stratification.

Am I doing that thing again where I try to sneak in my social studies teacher habits? Sorry.

Christian: I see. Yes, I guess adding a new bizarro-Cookie Monster character would be a good alternative. Maybe they could fight each other with celery or something.  

But what if it was something a little worse for you than just cookies. Let’s say instead of Cookie Monster it was Fried Food Fiend. Do you still think they should keep him around?

 
Fried Food Fiend?
Man these muppets appear so life like
sometimes, they look kind of eerie.

Pat:  No, I think if there was a fight, the Soy Goy might use a celery stalk, but Cookie Monster would definitely wield a roll of that Pillsbury™ pre-made cookie dough. And he would win.

Fried Food Fiend, eh? Good idea! Do you mean INSTEAD of Cookie, or in ADDITION? I could picture a storyline where Cookie hangs out with the Fiend just long enough to get kinda’ skeeved out at how disgusting his dietary habits are, and then he is swayed by the power of his observational empiricism and becomes a raw foods junkie, downing nothing but freshly pressed juices. And then he would change colors as the natural pigments from all of the fruits and veggies change the very nature of his skin cells.

Is that kinda’ how you saw it play out?

Christian: No. I meant instead of Cookie Monster. Since cookies aren’t the worst thing in the world for you, I understand your opinion that there’s no need to get rid of him. But if originally he had been Fried Food Fiend instead of Cookie Monster, then would you think that maybe he should get the ax?

What if he was originally Nicotine Monster? A chain smoking yellowish brown muppet that had a very throaty voice? Should Nicotine Monster get the ax?

If not, then what about Meth Monster? Basically I’m trying to figure out at what point would you say that the show should get rid of the poor-role-model-themed muppet. Do I have to take it all the way to something like Vehicular Manslaughter Monster?

Pat:  STOP! You’re making me think about things that would make the people at the Children’s Television Workshop mean-spirited, manipulative, horrible people, and I simply WON’T HAVE IT! Those people are not capable of such baseness. Do not kill my heroes, Christian.  

I should have told you when we started this blog that I’m not a very critical thinker. None of that “outside the box” stuff for me, nosirree! Sorry. I understand if you want to break up now.

Christian: You do know that in the original season of Sesame Street, Oscar the Grouch was an Opium dealer? The street was originally named Poppy Street because of all the underground Opium dens it housed. They later changed the name but wanted to keep with the bagel flavor theme.

You also know that the Children’s Television Workshop were Nazi sympathizers, right? I’m not talking about during the 30’s and 40’s. I’m talking during the 70’s and 80’s and up to the present.*

Anyways, so which is it? Nicotine Monster or Vehicular Manslaughter Monster? Where’s the line where the muppet should get the ax?

Pat: I don’t know. Now that you’ve got me thinking about it, I would LOVE to see an alternative version of Sesame Street, one that would air on pay-cable channels late at night where only us old folks, and lots of Red Bull-ed up teenagers, could see it.

And the cast would include all of the muppet characters your sick mind dreamed up, and the humans would include at least one meth-head, a prostitute (male, female...doesn’t matter), a scary old grandma lady with a cigarette always in hand, and breath that smells of cheap whiskey THROUGH your TV screen, and one evangelical minister.

Whatcha’ think?

Christian: I don’t know. I really don’t think I want to see muppets having sex.

Pat:  That’s kinda’ taking it too far, Christian, ‘cause didn’t they use to use (still use?) Muppet-like puppets to help kids acknowledge and deal with sexual abuse? That’s just kinda’ icky, man.

Maybe this is a good time to turn our blog towards raising consciousness and publicity around a pressing social issue. I was thinking global warming, because, y’know, it’s timely and all. What do you say?

Christian: Sounds good. We can use a muppet as our mascot. Maybe this little guy:


We can call him Global Warming Goon or Dioxide Monster. Or maybe just Keith.


* The authenticity of these facts may or may not hold factuality.

29 comments:

  1. They already got rid of Roosevelt Franklin, isn't that enough for you people!?? They should leave Cookie alone. He is a monster and therefore an all cookie diet is not harmful to him, as any child knows.

    The Muppets are pure innocents and do good in the world and to each other, something we could all use more of. And I will punch anyone in the throat who says otherwise.

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    1. Then that Muppet is obviously a pod-Muppet, whose Muppet-ness has been invaded by a body snatcher and therefore holds opinions of no merit whatsoever. And deserves a punch in the throat.

      Why am I always threatening bodily harm on your blog?

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    2. I don't know. And unfortunately the title of our next post is "Benefits Of Having a Violent Attitude and Leading a Bloodthirsty Lifestyle"

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  2. What if, instead of being neighbors, Cookie and Soy Goy live together, like a Muppet Odd Couple?

    Or Cookie, Soy Goy, and Meth Monster all shack up in a revival of Three's Company? Maybe Joyce DeWitt could play Vehicular Manslaughter Monster, although I believe in real life she was only charged with DUI.

    OH, by the way, I nominated you guys for some awards on my blog today. Mmmhmm, I sure did. Feel free to ignore them if you want to - I certainly won't be offended, though I might not invite you to the screening of Muppet Odd Couple: The Movie.

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    1. I want to see all of those shows now! I think you have hit a gold mine here!

      And thanks again for the award nominations! We don't know how yet but at some point in the future we will try and repay you. Most likely when you least expect it! You have been warned.

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    2. Noooooo! I'm hoping that hiding under my covers will protect me, much like how, in my childhood, hiding under the covers protected me from Freddy Krueger. And Mr. Roper.

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  3. Um, his name is Pepe and he will smack you like a bad, bad donkey...

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    1. Oh, you mean Keith? Somehow that guy to flew under my radar. I had never heard of him until this post. Apparently he is a King Prawn. And I think that is a cell phone in one of his four hands.

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    2. He's a new muppet. From "The Muppets Tonight". It didn't take. Sadness.

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  4. I would love to watch "Poppy Street" on public access. In fact, that's probably the only way that it wouldn't come off as tragic.

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    1. I agree. Like Pat said, a more serious adult themed (but no sex Pat!) Muppet show. Quick! Somebody get me HBO's phone number.

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    2. What about gentle Muppet fondling? I bet that felt material would feel so good!

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  5. My first thought on Fried Food Fiend was that if he ate fried food like Cookie Monster eats cookies, then he would burn his mouth. Then I thought, there's a weird specific-lesson-teaching muppet for you - the muppet that teaches the importance of waiting for fried food to cool before you eat it.

    I think there are a lot of current adults who may have benefited from that lesson as children. Yes, I'm talking about myself.

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    1. Well there are already other muppets have a weird specific-teaching-lesson. Like The Count.

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  6. I can't stand fun enjoyable children themed things turning manipulative. And anyway, you can't beat "C is for cookie, it's good enough for me" as a means for teaching the letter C. Cookie Monster is untouchable. No one should/will/can lift a finger against him!

    As a side note, I've come over from Hollow Tree Ventures - this was a great post and I'm looking forward to more of your wacky-ness!

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    1. Wasn't Cookie Monster underwritten by Pillsbury? Or Keebler? Or Hydrox? I thought Sesame Street was just the most recent manifestation of child manipulation? Hmm...maybe not.

      Welcome aboard, Lady In Red, and thanks for the compliments!

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  7. Cookie and Soy Goy would seperate when Soy Goy tries to sneak soy butter into Cookie's cookies trying to preserve his life so they can be together forever. Cookie CAN taste the difference. He is known for his impetuous behavior so he would leave Soy Goy.

    After weeks of apologies and promises to never sneak soy butter into Cookie's cookies again, they would get back together... but Soy Goy never made any promises about carob!

    I can see the tabloid headlines now.

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    1. Sweet! We now have a script for the first season of our spin off show. We could also do some crossover episodes with The Skeletors show. It's going to be amazing!

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  8. I think I just fell in love with Keith.

    And the Fried Food Fiend? Almost made scalding hot coffee come outta my nose. Lifelike, for sure!

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    1. Keep it in your nose, Kim. The caffeine doesn't take if it is exhaled nostrilly.

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    2. Sorry Kimberly but you don't want to get involved with someone like Keith. As you can see from his picture his is quite the player.

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  9. Two words: Fried cookies!!

    I love this, and I can't help but think that the possibilities are endless. I now want to rework every wholesome cartoon into something sinister.

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  10. Like maybe a cross between the Smurfs and The Walking Dead.

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  11. You two are definitely some of my favorites in the blogosphere. You crack. me. up. I love, love "Soy Goy". Haaaaaaaaa!!! That is awesome! It's so weird that we both have Sesame Street posts, right? I did see your CSI: Sesame Street FB post and maybe I had that in my subconscious when I was thinking of blog post topics. I don't know. Anyway, I loved this one. Sidenote: If you two ever want to write a guest post for me, I'd love to take it! I usually have one guest post per month. Let me know?

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    1. Yes! Yes! Yes! We would love to do a guest post over at the break room!

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  12. Who needs factual facts with a debate like that. When Sesame Street premiered "Cookies Are a Sometimes Food", I wrote them a letter that said "You killed the Cookie Monster". Nobody ever wrote me back. I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who was disturbed.

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