Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Golf and Other Ways I Can Physically Harm You

I’m not a golfer although I have played golf. Similar to how I’ve played monopoly but I’m not a real estate investor. Or maybe more similar to how actors play doctors on TV but they aren’t really doctors, nor do they have any skills that remotely resemble the skill set required to be a doctor.

Golf involves hitting a small ball across some grass, with a varying assortment of sticks towards a hole in the ground, and as one would expect, is very very expensive to play. But golf can be a dangerous game too. Actually, I should be more specific. Golf can be a very dangerous game when you are golfing with me. Wait... I should be even more specific. Golf can be very dangerous game, for you, when you are golfing with me.

In the minimal amount of times that I have golfed in my life, I’ve hit several people with my ball. Too many to remember in fact. I’ve never intentionally tried to hit anyone (that anyone can prove), but odds are if you have been golfing with me, I’ve hit you with one of my shots. I even hit a blind man once. Although to be fair, it did ricochet off of his golf cart before directly hitting him in the chest. His driver really should have made sure his cart was completely behind me instead of just partially behind me.

In addition to humans, I have also hit several houses, cars, both parked and moving, a large bird and a snack shack. But I have never hit a child. That’s where I draw the line. I think the reasons for my erratic inability to hit the ball straight can mostly be attributed to my complete and total resistance to following anyone's suggestions, advice, or instructions. Even if they are a golf instructor and I am currently taking a lesson from them. I mean, come on, I’m not here to learn. I’m here to spend some quality time outside, hitting this small ball around some nicely cut grass, and maybe if it was a good day, nail someone with my ball.

My instructor.

The thing about people that do play golf regularly is that they are always more than happy to give instructions and advice all the time; keep your left elbow in, slow down your back swing, keep your right heel up, stop aiming the ball at those people, you’re going to kill someone. It’s a headache trying to remember to do all this in the one second it takes to swing and hit the ball. It’s much more relaxing to just line up, swing away, and let the ball go where it goes.

Sometimes you just need to not care about the results of your actions and just go with the flow. That’s what my grandpa used to always say until he set fire to the canoe he was in and simultaneously drowned and burned to death.

And with all that being said, I find myself conflicted about golf. On the one hand I see how it’s a fun game to play and it gets you outdoors, but on the other hand it has such a country club white-rich-man’s stiigma too it.  Like if you play golf you must live off an inheritance and have a girlfriend named Muffy.

How do you feel about golf, Pat?

Pat: I feel golf is a great sport for those who enjoy it. And I feel that it falls into the category, “Things that make my life better by being absent from my life”.

I prefer to take my roughly six-mile walks through green spaces that are free from flying dense balls.

I prefer not to wear clothes that make me look like a Callaway model.

I prefer to stay away from places that charge you money to be there AND that have a name that ends in “Club”.

I prefer athletic activities that don’t require so much gear, expense, space, or histories of economic or racial supremacy.

So...yeah, I think golf is great. Why do you ask?

Christian: Have you ever played golf?

Pat:  Oh. No. Well...does the kind of golf you play with your host mother in Japan on a course that has holes that are all par-3 count? I’ve done that.

Christian: Whoa, slow down there Tiger Woods. You don’t need to get all technical with your “par-3’s” and “host mother” terminology. A simple “yes” would have been fine. No need to try and show off your expansive golf knowledge. We get it. You’re a well traveled and experienced golfer.


So did you enjoy it?

Pat:  I don’t know. It was all in Japanese, and I wasn’t very fluent yet. I’ve played it in English, though, and wasn’t crazy about it, so I bet if I had understood the Japanese version I wouldn’t have liked it very much either.

My host mother was great though...I enjoyed being with her very much. She taught me that there are two words in Japanese for poop. One for the hard kind, and one for the soft kind. She drew pictures to make sure I would understand. The soft kind looked like an ice cream from Dairy Queen.

Can we talk about Japan or poop instead of golf?

Christian: No.

And I’m starting to think that you’re confusing Japanese Golf with a visit to the doctor. Did your “host mother” have a stethoscope around her neck? Did she go by the name of Doctor? And didn’t you think it was odd that every time it appeared as if your host mother was coming on to you, she would ask you to cough?

But enough about your confusing Japanese sexual encounters. Basically I still feel torn about golf. I am a fan of games in general and the basic idea of golf appeals to me. But nonetheless I think the stigma it carries is what is turning me off. That and the ridiculous amount of money it costs to play.

I wish Croquet would become more popular. That’s a sport I could get behind. Maybe you and I should buy a nice lot of land and start a Croquet Club. We could charge enormous fees and make it very exclusive. Only let in those that hold a certain standard if you know what I mean. It would be amazing.

Here’s my family playing Croquet just last weekend.


  1. But what about the runny kind? Or the kind that floats, sinks, is a funny color, is torpedo shaped, is 7 feet long, or feels like an angry cactus coming out?

    The Japenese clearly know nothing about golf.

  2. I've never played golf but I have driven the cart, which I love. The way I do it requires quite a lot of vodka, though.

    1. Just added it to my list of things that requires a lot of vodka. This list is getting quite extensive.

  3. Ha! Not a day goes by that I don't wish croquet would hit it big. I'm right there with you. What I want to know is either of you button the top button your polos like golfers do?

    1. I can't speak for Pat but I don't button my polos at all and actually cut the neck out more so that they reveal a lot more chest. Some say too much chest but I say you're welcome.

    2. Hahahaaaaaaaaa!! That is hilarious. "Some say too much but I say you're welcome." You two are some of the funniest people on the planet. BTW, thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny this week!

    3. Thank you for putting on #findingthefunny every week! It's a great idea.

  4. I think if talking about different types of poop became an integral part of the game, that would make it seem less elitist.

  5. I would totally play croquet with you. I'm not very good though. My sister Erma is a croquet shark. You'd think she doesn't have the upper body strength to look at her, but she really quite adept with a mallet.

    1. I can't quite tell if you are genuinely offering to play croquet or threatening me with you mallet wielding sister body guard.

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