Monday, December 3, 2012

Curious George Assassination

Today we are fortunate enough to get to take a ride on the
Character Assassination Carousel created by Ninja Mom. Those not familiar with this phenom should head on over to Ninja Mom's blog via any of these impressive links I’ve been laying down in this paragraph. I’m kind of the Leonardo da Vinci of inserting links, if you ask me.


In short the Character Assassination Carousel (BAM! Another well inserted link!) is where a blogger picks a popular children’s book and rips it to shreds. Not physically but literally, literally.

So today Pat and I will be pointing out everything that is wrong with Curious George and his friend the man with the yellow hit in the book Curious George Rides a Bike. I’ll start.

Christian: First off for those that are not familiar with the Curious George series of books the basic premise of each book is that this dude who is only known as “the man in the yellow hat” leaves George somewhere unattended, often in public where there are small children around, and takes off to go do something unimportant. Despite that fact that every time he has done this George has gotten into some kind of trouble often including destruction of public property.

So let’s see how “Curious George Rides a Bike” starts. 




And here we go, two minutes into the day and the man with yellow hat is already leaving George alone with a two-wheeled-taunting-monkey-menace-device-of-destruction - a bike.

Pat: Yeah, two minutes into the day and you know what we’ve already seen? A primate wearing pajamas, eating human food with human utensils at a human table with an actual human, and the delivery of a cargo box made of wood. Like THAT happens!

Y’know the worst part though?  

Christian: Not supporting local bicycle shops?

Pat:  No. Inside that box was a fully formed bicycle. I call bullshit. Ain’t not a one of the damn bikes my kids have gotten that I didn’t have to goddamned assemble my damn self, damnit.

Christian: So inevitably, George takes off into the unsuspecting public for a joyride on his new bike. He then comes across a male paper-boy of impressionable age I’m guessing his name is Waldo.


Pat:  You know what I see here? Early evidence of the downfall of the American economy, not to mention GROSS labor, human rights and child--err, monkey--protection laws. Who the hell is this slacker thinking he can just shrug off his responsibilities as a working member of society? Probably voted socialist.

Christian: And he doesn’t seemed to be concerned at all about rabies.

Pat:  Good point. Given the pink of his cheeks, it might already be too late for him.

George perseveres through the day though (even after the paperboy dies from rabies). After a few deliveries, he is distracted by the quaint beauty of a small stream and then, amazingly, the story turns into a how-to manual for origami battleships. See?


Christian: A nice little lesson for the kids on how to destroy public property. But wait that’s not all. Because move over Chernobyl, he then dumps his platoon of origami paper battleships into the stream.


Most likely killing multiple ducks, frogs, butterflies, and whatever that one thing is... a grasshopper?

Pat:  Yeah...I totally dig the nod towards animal cruelty.

Christian: Yeah, animal on animal cruelty to boot.

Pat:  Yep. Helps me assuage the guilt of death-by-magnifying-glass.

Christian: You’ve killed ducks with a magnifying glass?

Pat:  It took longer than I thought it would. I don’t like to talk about it. I missed dessert that night.

Christian: OK, so after polluting the river with his army of nature killing battleships, George starts showboating on his bike and eventually crashes it leaving it broken.


Pat:  Ooh! Are we at the part with the creepy traveling zoo?

Christian: You mean the two strange men who pick george up in a windowless van?

Direct quote from the book: “I have a bugle for you right here.”

Pat:  Never, EVER, get in a van with these two men, kids. And NEVER play with their horns.

Christian: So the two strange men with their horns kidnap George into their traveling circus-cult thing. And at this point we should point out that one of the strange men gave George his bugle. George then in turn tries to give it to an ostrich.

Pat:  TRIES to? He feeds the entire damn thing to him!  

That bear seems to be enjoying things a little too much.

Christian: I just re-read our last two comments and realized that I should make it clear we aren’t talking sexually.

Pat:  Oh my god, that is SICK Christian. How could you even THINK that? Gross! (hee hee...I was totally thinking about sex! Monkey-horn sex!)

Christian: When are you not? Anyways, as you can see George thrusts his horn down the ostrich’s happily accepting throat who seems pretty pleasure filled about receiving it.

Pat:  Wait a minute. Are you suggesting that the zoo is some sort of analogy for a bacchanalian love fest? Or is it just a zoo with a monkey who fed a horn to an ostrich? I’ve never been too adept at metaphor.

Christian: Jesus Pat get your head out of the gutter. George is just thrusting his horn into the ostrich’s mouth repeatedly in hope of making him happy and satisfied. Nothing sick. Anyways, after George attempts to murder the ostrich with his horn, (ostrich-slaughter), the strange men ringleaders of the circus-cult tell George he can no longer play with their horn.  

Pat:  Is that like Osgood–Schlatter? I had that once. It sucked.

Anyway, the voracious ostrich then eats a string that lets out the baby bear.


That sends George running off with his bugle, bike (miraculously repaired), circus-cult members in tow, to play rescue hero. Anyone else seeing a Rube Goldberg theme here?


Long story short, he saves the bear, saving the proverbial day, resulting in everyone showering him with accolades--man in the yellow hat included, wherever the fuck HE’S been, deadbeat dad!--despite the shit-storm he’s wreaked throughout the day!


Christian: Yeah, his monkey is loose out in the public and he decides to go catch a show at the circus? I’m starting to think he might be trying to get rid of George. Not that I blame him. George seems like a lot of work. Not to mention the rabies.

Pat:  Yep. Great lesson! Go fuck it up kiddos. As long as you save a cute bear in the end we’ll forgive you every single one of your goddamned trespasses.


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There you have it. To see other assassinations go here. The previous carousel assassin was Toulouse from Toulouse and Tonic and next up is Stephanie at Mommy, for Real.

43 comments:

  1. Y'know, that is a great lesson. If you can wantonly destroy things throughout the day, if you finish the day by saving something, you'll get hailed as a hero. Like the Incredible Hulk. Hulk smashes, then saves and people think he's cuddly.
    Also, I don't think you touched on the fact that George is like fifty times as smart as that ape who learned sign language. But yellow hat dude doesn't share this genius ape with the world? Also, how did he come into possession of George? Is he an international animal smuggler?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dunno...that hat is kinda' ominous. Be hard to get away with smuggling when you're drawing that much attention to yourself.

      He's more like the prototype for one of them Portland hipster pan-flute band members, what with the skinny clothes and the tucked-in boots.

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    2. I think in the next installment of the Character Assassination Carousel Kristin from What She Said is going to go after the origins of Curious George and how the man with the yellow hat kidnapped him.

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  2. visiting here with a smile. take care.. have a nice day ~ =)

    Regards,
    http://www.lonelyreload.com (A Growing Teenager Diary) ..

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  3. I think the difference is alcohol. If George did all of this while drunk, he'd be a trainwreck on a warpath of destruction that needs rehab. But he did this sober, so he's just a cute little innocent monkey having fun. Psssh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, the whole "but if I was sober you would think it's cute" argument that my wife never buys into.

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  4. It amazes me that I've never read this one. George in space/ Check. George making rabies pancakes? Check. George doing the Man in the Yellow Hat's taxes? Check.

    Well done, boys. I think this one is officially assassinated. And with wit, f-bombs, a Rube Goldberg reference, knee ailments, and gratuitous links to my blog(admittedly, my favorite part).

    Thanks for playing along!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for letting us play along. We are big fans of gratuitous links too. Actually gratuitous anything.

      Delete
  5. The man in the yellow hat (who name is Otis, which is why he prefers "the man in the yellow hat") is clearly trying to take a page from THE SCHOOL OF DOG DUMPING here. Old George just won't get the hint. Loved this!

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  6. What about the people who never got their news papers? I'd be ticked.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right? I'd kinda' like to see a parallel series of stories about all of the people George has pissed off over the course of his zany adventures. THAT'S what frivolity looks like, kiddos!

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  7. Monkey-horn sex is my new favorite phrase.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah! Dang you two and your funny phrases. I need a t-shirt that has monkey-horn sex in a squirrel fury on it. Get the head honchos at PCPPPCPPCPCPP on it right away!

      Delete
    2. We've recently fired all of our honchos, so we're going to need you to put this together for us. We'll e-mail you an address to send the profits to. Thanks!

      Delete
    3. Even the little honchos?? What about the feet honchos?? I can't be doing t-shirts willy-nilly, you know. I'm like super important now, what with all the buying and selling and making up stories about old stuff and whatnot.

      Get Pat to do it. Hippies like to make things.

      Delete
  8. You've now officially crushed bedtime. I read George every night to my son and will now not be able to get through bedtime without some serious snorting, cringing, and terror, especially over the scenes at the zoo, which apparently are entirely sexual. The good news is, I'll be less likely to fall asleep while reading to him?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah it seems like the man with the yellow hat takes George to the zoo a lot. Maybe he's trying to remind George that if he doesn't shape up this is where he'll end up.

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  9. This would never happen in real life because as soon as the bike was pulled from the wooden crate, one of my kids would have run over there and stepped on one of those mangled, rusty nails and the rest of the book would have been about our trip to the ER to get tetanus shots.

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    Replies
    1. And they should probably go ahead and get their rabies shots while they're there if they are going to be spending any time with George.

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  10. It looks like that armada has actually been hijacked by the ducks, frogs, etc. Maybe George is secretly a rogue Planeteer, and is giving local wildlife the materials to fight back against encroaching industrialization.

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  11. Rampaging aside, George "saves" a bear and returns it to the crushing, depressing, abusive life at the circus? And George is popping wheelies to celebrate? I never realized how truly evil Curious George is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Popping wheelies!?!? People can we place stop with animal sexual innuendos... oh wait you're talking about him riding his bike. Never mind.

      Delete
  12. I am struggling because I was a Curious George fan (puzzle piece eating book, a fave) , but I like this post even more...so conflicted!

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    Replies
    1. It's a tough choice. But I would like to mention that neither Pat nor I have ever tried to kill an ostrich. Just saying.

      P.S. The puzzle piece eating one is one of my son's favorites.

      Delete
  13. I don't think I've ever read a Curious George book, but I have to say there's more melodrama in this one than in half a dozen episodes of Days Of Our Lives, and that's really saying something! I feel like I missed out as a kid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're not missing out on much. Seriously, each book goes as follows: George is left alone somewhere. George causes trouble by being curious. George solves some problem (often a problem caused by the trouble he got into). Everyone forgives George. The end.

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  14. What I love about you guys in the subtlety you weave throughout every piece. Totally got that Leonard da Vinci linked to Leonardo Dicaprio. Gratuitous indeed.

    And the first thing I thought when I saw that bike coming out of the box in one piece was No Simian Way! And where is the catalog for that store?

    Nice kill guys. Ellen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't know how excited I am that you noticed the Leonardo link! That kind of thing is what Pat and I like to call "Smart" humor, which pretty much means it's something that most likely only Pat and I will find funny and/or even remotely understand.

      We actually talked about that Leornardo link before publishing the post and said that only the smartest of the smartest will appreciate it. Congratulations!

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're studying babysitters caught playing with themselves? You might want to check to make sure your school is accredited.

      Delete
  16. You killed a duck with a magnifying glass? I'm impressed with the patience that must have took for a young boy (unless you did it recently - then I'm not so impressed). Frankly, if the duck was truly evil, I would have beaten the thing with the magnifying glass instead. Much faster and probably less painful in the long run. And you might have been back early enough for dessert.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ohmygawd! I love you so much right now that it hurts! How have I never been here before? I'm slightly disgusted with myself right now.
    Please excuse me for a moment while I go kick my ass.

    I've read a lot of the other assassinations and have always wondered why there aren't more about this evil little twit of a monkey. I was going to do something similar with the chocolate factory story on my page because it had become my 3 year old's obsession for a short time.
    I contemplated trying to have a bonfire in the rain because of George.
    Excellent job! Does this count as a double assassination, since there are two of you?

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! And yes it totally counts as a double assassination. Well at least 1-1/2, but we can round up.

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  18. Im drunk right now so I'm prolly overthinking this but I hated George as a kid and my ex looking like him didn't help. However my son discovered him on Netflix and runs to me every two seconds delighted by George's zany antics. I grin and nod then make snarky comments about the nature of yellow hat and George's relationship. Making sure they all go over my son's head. Thank you for saying what I've been thinking and snarking (that's not a word) about all along. Phew. I need another shot. On a Tuesday. Yep.

    ReplyDelete
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  20. I first read,
    Direct quote from the book: “I have a bugle for you right here.” as “I have a bulge for you right here.”

    Made the article just that much better.....

    ReplyDelete