Curious George Assassination

Today we are fortunate enough to get to take a ride on the
Character Assassination Carousel created by Ninja Mom. Those not familiar with this phenom should head on over to Ninja Mom's blog via any of these impressive links I’ve been laying down in this paragraph. I’m kind of the Leonardo da Vinci of inserting links, if you ask me.

In short the Character Assassination Carousel (BAM! Another well inserted link!) is where a blogger picks a popular children’s book and rips it to shreds. Not physically but literally, literally.

So today Pat and I will be pointing out everything that is wrong with Curious George and his friend the man with the yellow hit in the book Curious George Rides a Bike. I’ll start.

Christian: First off for those that are not familiar with the Curious George series of books the basic premise of each book is that this dude who is only known as “the man in the yellow hat” leaves George somewhere unattended, often in public where there are small children around, and takes off to go do something unimportant. Despite that fact that every time he has done this George has gotten into some kind of trouble often including destruction of public property.

So let’s see how “Curious George Rides a Bike” starts. 

And here we go, two minutes into the day and the man with yellow hat is already leaving George alone with a two-wheeled-taunting-monkey-menace-device-of-destruction - a bike.

Pat: Yeah, two minutes into the day and you know what we’ve already seen? A primate wearing pajamas, eating human food with human utensils at a human table with an actual human, and the delivery of a cargo box made of wood. Like THAT happens!

Y’know the worst part though?  

Christian: Not supporting local bicycle shops?

Pat:  No. Inside that box was a fully formed bicycle. I call bullshit. Ain’t not a one of the damn bikes my kids have gotten that I didn’t have to goddamned assemble my damn self, damnit.

Christian: So inevitably, George takes off into the unsuspecting public for a joyride on his new bike. He then comes across a male paper-boy of impressionable age I’m guessing his name is Waldo.

Pat:  You know what I see here? Early evidence of the downfall of the American economy, not to mention GROSS labor, human rights and child--err, monkey--protection laws. Who the hell is this slacker thinking he can just shrug off his responsibilities as a working member of society? Probably voted socialist.

Christian: And he doesn’t seemed to be concerned at all about rabies.

Pat:  Good point. Given the pink of his cheeks, it might already be too late for him.

George perseveres through the day though (even after the paperboy dies from rabies). After a few deliveries, he is distracted by the quaint beauty of a small stream and then, amazingly, the story turns into a how-to manual for origami battleships. See?

Christian: A nice little lesson for the kids on how to destroy public property. But wait that’s not all. Because move over Chernobyl, he then dumps his platoon of origami paper battleships into the stream.

Most likely killing multiple ducks, frogs, butterflies, and whatever that one thing is... a grasshopper?

Pat:  Yeah...I totally dig the nod towards animal cruelty.

Christian: Yeah, animal on animal cruelty to boot.

Pat:  Yep. Helps me assuage the guilt of death-by-magnifying-glass.

Christian: You’ve killed ducks with a magnifying glass?

Pat:  It took longer than I thought it would. I don’t like to talk about it. I missed dessert that night.

Christian: OK, so after polluting the river with his army of nature killing battleships, George starts showboating on his bike and eventually crashes it leaving it broken.

Pat:  Ooh! Are we at the part with the creepy traveling zoo?

Christian: You mean the two strange men who pick george up in a windowless van?

Direct quote from the book: “I have a bugle for you right here.”

Pat:  Never, EVER, get in a van with these two men, kids. And NEVER play with their horns.

Christian: So the two strange men with their horns kidnap George into their traveling circus-cult thing. And at this point we should point out that one of the strange men gave George his bugle. George then in turn tries to give it to an ostrich.

Pat:  TRIES to? He feeds the entire damn thing to him!  

That bear seems to be enjoying things a little too much.

Christian: I just re-read our last two comments and realized that I should make it clear we aren’t talking sexually.

Pat:  Oh my god, that is SICK Christian. How could you even THINK that? Gross! (hee hee...I was totally thinking about sex! Monkey-horn sex!)

Christian: When are you not? Anyways, as you can see George thrusts his horn down the ostrich’s happily accepting throat who seems pretty pleasure filled about receiving it.

Pat:  Wait a minute. Are you suggesting that the zoo is some sort of analogy for a bacchanalian love fest? Or is it just a zoo with a monkey who fed a horn to an ostrich? I’ve never been too adept at metaphor.

Christian: Jesus Pat get your head out of the gutter. George is just thrusting his horn into the ostrich’s mouth repeatedly in hope of making him happy and satisfied. Nothing sick. Anyways, after George attempts to murder the ostrich with his horn, (ostrich-slaughter), the strange men ringleaders of the circus-cult tell George he can no longer play with their horn.  

Pat:  Is that like Osgood–Schlatter? I had that once. It sucked.

Anyway, the voracious ostrich then eats a string that lets out the baby bear.

That sends George running off with his bugle, bike (miraculously repaired), circus-cult members in tow, to play rescue hero. Anyone else seeing a Rube Goldberg theme here?

Long story short, he saves the bear, saving the proverbial day, resulting in everyone showering him with accolades--man in the yellow hat included, wherever the fuck HE’S been, deadbeat dad!--despite the shit-storm he’s wreaked throughout the day!

Christian: Yeah, his monkey is loose out in the public and he decides to go catch a show at the circus? I’m starting to think he might be trying to get rid of George. Not that I blame him. George seems like a lot of work. Not to mention the rabies.

Pat:  Yep. Great lesson! Go fuck it up kiddos. As long as you save a cute bear in the end we’ll forgive you every single one of your goddamned trespasses.

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There you have it. To see other assassinations go here. The previous carousel assassin was Toulouse from Toulouse and Tonic and next up is Stephanie at Mommy, for Real.