One at a Time, Please!

So, in the high school where I teach, students were just half a day past wearing their “sexy _____ “ costumes or prom dresses (the Halloween costumes of choice for high school girls and boys, respectively) when there was an announcement encouraging students to participate in this years “Holiday Sharing” program, whereby we provide toys to kids in need for the holidays. I assumed they were referring to Veteran’s Day presents for less fortunate kids, but NO! They were talking about Christmas (or Hanukkah, or the non-existent, December gift giving holidays for Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists and Zoroastrians).

I love holidays a lot. They make the other days bearable. And I am certainly NOT one of those curmudgeons who says that because we live in a wonderfully diverse country, with many ethnic and religious cultures, we should not celebrate any one particular holiday out of fear of leaving someone out. I say celebrate ALL of them!

But, there’s gotta’ be a line somewhere! I would like to offer a suggestion that we limit ourselves to focusing on only one holiday at a time, whatever that holiday is. And along those lines, to acknowledge or pre-lebrate any holiday before an earlier holiday has passed (such as Christmas before Thanksgiving), would be considered a social crime punishable by ostracization and utter banishment from the larger culture. Seems harsh, but I really can’t take listening to carols before I’ve even finished my hand turkey or extinguished my Diwali lights.

Christian, might a beg a farthing of your thoughts on this one?

Christian: I see your point but don’t Hanukkah and Christmas overlap one another? How are you supposed to only focus on one at a time if they are occurring at the same time? Same goes for my birthday month and Valentine’s day. If everyone is just focused on celebrating my birthday month then you can pretty much kiss Valentine’s day goodbye.

Seems like this plan of yours is full of holes.

Pat:  Oh, Christian. I think you’re suffering from “goylexia”. It’s okay...apparently a lot of us gentiles are ill-informed ignoramuses!

Christian: So Hanukkah and the 12 days of Christmas aren’t the same thing. Who knew.

Pat: But you raise a good point, and I should have clarified. IF two or more holidays overlap, then I think it is just fine to celebrate BOTH simultaneously. For example, when Ramadan extends over Columbus Day, then I think it is perfectly appropriate to eat food we stole from Native Americans before sunrise or after sundown. See? Multi-brations can be easy!

And with regards to February? Well, I think it stands to reason that a certain fellow blogger of mine should be receiving kisses all through the month! Are all you ladies out there ready for that?

Christian: OK, but what about Canadian Thanksgiving? It is in October and since they don’t celebrate American Thanksgiving, that means they could start celebrating Christmas in November but Americans wouldn’t be allowed to do so until December. 

I don’t know how Canadian Thanksgiving is traditionally

celebrated but I’m assuming it’s something like this.

This plan of yours seems kind of racist.

Pat:  I thought we’ve covered this in earlier blogs. I have no problems with Canadians, other than them as people, their oddly valued currency, and their latitudes. They don’t count in this discussion.

If you’d like to pose another question I would be happy to answer it.

Christian: Oh yeah. I forgot about your unnatural uneasiness towards Canadians (don’t forget, our glorious Canadian readers, I still love you. So direct all hateful comments towards Pat, eh).

Don’t get me wrong. I do like this concept of yours of only celebrating one holiday at a time. But it’s just one of those ideas that seems too good to actually work without any negative side effects. Like Cat Stevens.

Let me Google something really quick.

*several weeks later*

Aha! OK, what about Arbor Day? In my extensive research to prove your idea bad, I learned that Arbor Day can be celebrated on different dates depending on which state you are in. Typically they are in April.

So Mr. Big Shot Idea man, let’s say hypothetically Easter falls on April 20th for a given year.  What about people who live in a state where Arbor Day isn’t until, say  April 24th but are traveling to visit family for Easter in a neighboring state that had already celebrated Arbor Day. Under your rules they should all be killed. Oh wait, you said banished didn’t you? Not killed. Either way, with your rules this family can’t spend easter with their relatives.

This plan of yours seems very anti-family.

Pat:  Do we have a day honoring Cat Stevens? If not...that’s a really good idea. Before daybreak we could all gather together to watch morning break, and then sing out together (because we WANT to), and the big finale to the day would be when the Tillerman visits your house and deposits magical tea in your pot. Don’t read too far into that last idea.

I’m all for family, by the way. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for families to split apart and live in different states. And if they do they should not be able to celebrate holidays together. That’s all.

Christian: OK, I’ll concede. For now. We can go with your plan of only celebrating one holiday at a time, but I still feel like it’s too good to be true and will eventually lead to impending doom. In the meantime I’m just going to light up my Cat Stevens tree and enjoy the holidays.