Manly Bucket List

As many of you may or may not know the current month is November. Honest. And every November is the month of Movember. Unfamiliar with Movember? Well Movember is a movement to help raise awareness and funds for men’s health to fight prostate and testicular cancer amongst other things.

Typically how it works is men can register at the Movember website and declare that they are going to grow a mustache for the entire month to help raise money and awareness. It’s a fun way to help out a great cause.

Which neither Pat nor I are doing. But not because it’s not a great cause.

First off Pat already has a beard right now so I don’t know how that’s supposed to work and I pretty much grow a mustache every day which needs to be shaved before going to bed otherwise there isn’t enough room in the bed for my wife, myself, and my mustache. Think Tom Selleck multiplied by that other dude from Hall and Oates. No not Hall. The other dude.

But another thing that is currently going around the internet to help support Movember is the Manly Bucket List. The idea being that you do a blog post listing five manly things that you want to do in November or at least before you die. Pat and I can both count to five so this is right up our alley.

Amy from Kid-Free Living is the one that turned us onto to this so please go see her list too. Yes women can also have manly bucket lists.

I’ll start.

Christian: I decided to list things I want to accomplish in my lifetime instead of in the month of November since I’m way too busy right now to get anything done. This also makes it easier since I already have a bucket list of things I want to do before I die. Plus I’m a man so by default they are manly.

The only downside was that there are only two items in my current bucket list so I had to add three more. Here they are:

1. Visit every continent in the world (Including Antarctica).

2. Visit every state in the US.

3. Do the running of the bulls in the opposite direction.

4. Rescue a half a dozen people from atop Mt Everest without using any sunscreen.

5. Bedsex me lady underneath a grand waterfall as a chorus of trumpeteers are heard off in the distance.

Your turn Pat.

Pat: Dammit, I think I did it wrong again. When you mentioned that we need to do our manly bucket list things before the end of November, I thought you meant we needed to actually DO them...not just write about them.  

So I went ahead and did them, and have spent the last week wondering just what in the hell I plan on doing with my life NOW. I’m all down for men’s health, man, but they need to think about the resulting ennui and malaise and other depressing French things that come after doing everything you wanted to do with your life.

To be honest, they weren’t really that manly or that buckety. Here they are:

-I bought a drywall repair kit at the hardware store. Don’t assume I know what to do with it.

-I trimmed my beard. Twice.

-I sweated. A lot. Man sweat.*

-I chopped wood. A lot of wood. Into kindling. Kindling has been scientifically proven to be the smallest and most precise--and therefore manly--size of wood you can hew with an ax. And I did it!

-I continued to pay taxes and toil daily in order to provide for my family and stay up-to-date on my mortgage.

I know. Not too impressive.  

Okay, so I need another list, huh? No problem...I can do this. Five things I’m going to do with all of my testosterone-driven, prostrate-inspired, testicularly-fueled manly power before I die include:

1.  Go places and traverse them on foot--at least partly--in order to discover for myself and possibly the rest of humankind, the lesser known wonders of the world. Places like the hydrangea covered hills of the Azores. Places like the salmon-stuffed streams of the Kamchatka Peninsula (and, NO, I was not a RISK dork in college!). Places like the great rhododendron forests of Bhutan. Places like the dizzying food-courts of the Mall of America of Minnesota.

2.  Kill something and then eat it. Preferably something more challenging and filling than a rutabaga, trout or game hen.

3.  Run for something and get elected by a wide margin and fulfill most of my campaign promises.

4.  Build a house.

5.  Bedsex me lady underneath a grand waterfall as a chorus of trumpeteers are heard off in the distance, while a couple doing the very same thing looks over at us with eyes that say, “Man, they REALLY know how to do that!”

How’s that sound?

*This occurred mostly after activities like running or chopping wood, but to be honest, it tends to happen even when I’m just sitting still. Guess I’m a bit of a perspirer.

"You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth" Review Extravaganza Bonanza-Palooza

It’s time for another PCPPP book review! As many will recall, a while back we did a review of the book “I Just Want to Pee Alone” which contained a plethora of essays written by women bloggers, about finding the humor in being a mother. Naturally they called on us to do a review.  This time around we’re reviewing “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” which is described as

“...39 (mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women.”

Again, a perfect fit for us. Of course we are assuming that they are trying to break into the macho chainsaw-mechanic type demographic that we are so often associated with. Or more likely… due to our slightly androgynous names they think we are two women. Either way we are super stoked to review the book!*

To the Amazon!

Our friend Meredith over at Mom of the Year was nice enough to send us a copy for review and once we got it we immediately tore into it. Now we know what you are thinking: “You two macho guys with incredible fashion sense only review books that people ask you to review.” This is not true. We did recently do a review of The Bible and despite all the rumors that are out there, God did not ask us to review it**.

Anyways let’s get to the reviewing...

Christian: First off, I just assumed there would be a lot of pillow fighting ending in kissing in this book but unfortunately not only was there very little of that there was none.

However the very first chapter was about breasts and I was like SOLD!!! Five stars! Let’s wrap this review up!

Pat: Yeah...sorry Christian. No cute pillow fights in this one, but you’re spot on with the breast talk! And lots of vaginas too, just like in the last book. Which is funny. Because I thought it was just us guys who liked to talk about our junk. I didn’t know that women talked about their junk too. Wait. Not that I think it’s junk. I think it’s beautiful. Beautiful junk. Wait. Vaginas...not junk.  

Wait.

I liked the book. There. Can we be done? I’m doing that thing again where I’m saying things that I’m going to have to apologize for later.

Christian: The last book we reviewed? The Bible? I don’t remember there being a lot of vaginas in it. Wait are you talking about the parting of the Red Sea?

Pat:  No. But I think you’re onto something. Moses and the Red Sea, AND every Georgia O’Keefe painting I’ve ever seen do a LOT to remind me of vaginas.

I’m talking about a lot of the stories in the book. Consider the premise. “You have lipstick on your teeth” is apparently something women say to each other in the “powder” room. And, apparently, after they say that, they then talk about their breasts and vaginas.

Turns out there’s a WORLD of vaginal breast talk going on behind closed doors in powder rooms. How do we get into one of those?

Christian: I have no idea but I bet Moses knew how. That guy was a traveler.

Pat:  Speaking of travellers, I’d like to jump right into some of my favorite quotations from the book. Number one goes to Kim Bongiorno (from Let Me Start By Saying) for making me think of travelers--clowns in particular-- when she described her “honey pot” in the following manner:  

“We don’t have uteruses. We have really wet clown cars.”

Revolting, terrifying...and weirdly sexy all in one sentence. Well played, Kim.

True dat.

Christian: Is that in Revelations?

Pat: Dammit Christian we’re not talking about the Bible anymore. Duh! We’re talking about the lipstick book.

Christian: Oh. Okay gotcha. Another cool aspect of the book (the lipstick book, not the Bible) is that despite the fact that I am a very manly man-dude, I still found it relatable. For example who can’t relate to Allison Hart’s (from Motherhood, WTF?) story of having the CEO of your company walk in on you in the bathroom as you use a tampon to floss out a piece of your very own business card from your own teeth. I mean I can’t. But it makes for a great story.

Pat:  Oh. I can.

Christian:  That’s unfortunate.

Pat:  Yeah. Well, maybe not. Whatever.  

Know what else is unfortunate? Imagine having a conversation with your grandma about playing with yourself. If I understood her story correctly, that is EXACTLY what Angela Shelton (from Angela Shelton) experienced. Consider:

“Well get into the shower with a soapy washcloth and take care of it then.”

“It”, it turns out, is the need to feel satisfied. And the soapy washcloth? That’s the...thing doing the satisfying (penis? hand? handsome cucumber?).

And the speaker? GRANDMA!!!!

THAT’S unfortunate.

Christian: Are you sure? Maybe you're just interpreting it sexually. It could have just been that there was a really tough spot of grime that was achingly hard in between some moist tiles, just begging to be cleansed?

Pat:  Hey man. I’m not one to judge what you and your wife consider “dirty talk”, so...yeah. It could have been that. Sure.

Christian: Our bathroom is very clean.

Pat: And speaking of masturbation, I kinda’ dug Dawn Weber’s (from Lighten Up) story about downloadable apps devoted to full utilization of the “vibrate” ring tone phones so intimately offer. Never knew a device could love you so much!

Christian: That poor phone. They should have added an 11th commandment that said “Thou shalt not seek pleasure from thy telephone devices.” Of course that would have made no sense back then since they hadn’t invented pleasure yet.

So did you only pay attention to the ones about sexual masturbation and vaginal breast talk?

Pat:  Yep. Pretty much. And...I think there were other stories--stories about sisterhood and friendship and commiseration and hardship and bonds and history--but they didn’t stand out to me as profoundly as the stories about boobs and vaginas. I don’t know...maybe they didn’t use enough adjectives.

Christian: And there was that one about how no part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any means without permission..

Pat:  Oh..no...that was just the copyright. They have those in every book. I don’t think they mean anything.

Christian: Well, I found it riveting.

Pat: So...BIG thanks go to Meredith at Mom of the Year for hooking us up with this fantastic piece of vaginal literature. If we convinced you to look into this book (psst!  clown-car vaginas! what more do you need?!), look for it in hardback, at the Library of Congress, and at places like Amazon...and it’s also available as an e-book.

(Christian, what’s an ‘e-book’?)

Christian: I think it involves electricity and stems from that story in The Bible where Ben Franklin brought light to the last supper with his magical kites. Which by the way is another example of a story from The Bible that makes no mention of vaginas.

If God is serious about making this writing thing a career he needs to take a lesson from these lipstick women and throw in a vagina here and there.

*’Cause it’s the second free thing we’ve ever gotten!!! How cool is that?! Pretty damn cool!

** Or DID he?

So it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction, you want? Then it's Jared from Subway fan-fiction you'll get! (maybe)

So awhile ago, Christian mentioned that he was working on a little project involving incorporating Jared and the other characters from Subway into some riveting literary narratives. Little did we know that our fan base would EXPLODE with enthusiasm at the mere mention of the mere possibility of the mere idea of something as merely ludicrously amazing as Jared from Subway fan fiction!

So now the easy part...actually writing the first installment of the Jared from Subway fan-fiction.

Pat:  Hey, so I see this as more of a “Hardy Boys” style mystery-adventure series, where Jared wakes up from his seemingly normal life, goes to work to make the sandwiches, and then gets caught up in some customer’s complicated situation. You like that?

Christian:  I do like that but Jared doesn’t really work at Subway in real life does he? I thought he just ate all their sandwiches so they put him on TV.

I’m just concerned that the hard-core Jared from Subway fans might not appreciate us changing anything about the Jared from Subway universe. That might be like writing some Star Wars fan fiction with having Yoda being a landspeeder mechanic instead of a Jedi Master.

But if you think it’s OK I’m cool with it.

Pat: No, I think you have a point there. Scrap the “Hardy Boys” schematic. We’re going “Charlie’s Angels” instead, with Jared popping into his local Subway franchise to receive his daily missive from the agency. The guy making his sandwich is like Bosley. But he NEVER sees the person actually telling him what to do. In that case, I guess it would be the franchise owner.

Think that’s a better way to go?

Christian: Yeah that might work. So Jared would walk in and order, say, a cold cut combo on wheat -  to go - and Bosley would slip his mission instructions into the sandwich? Then once Jared got outside he would wipe off the mustard and everything and learn about his mission.

But sometimes there wouldn’t be a mission in which case Jared would just eat the sandwich but we won’t write about those times.

I also thought it would be cool if at some point Jared had a love affair with Flo from Progressive Insurance. I mean like a super-hot, steamy and torrid love affair. How do you think we could work that in?

Pat:  Is that her name? At first I thought you meant Flo from “Alice”, which I thought was an AWESOME idea, ‘cause everyone loves those crossover TV shows, where stories intersect and characters from one show become part of another show.

I guess it would work with insurance-Flo as well, but she doesn’t really have as cool a tag-line.  “Kiss my grits!” just never gets old!

Besides, insurance-Flo seems so nice. I know Jared looks all milquetoast and safe, but I bet he’s got a secret dirty side to him. A side that only a fire-haired, fire-tongued vixen like “Alice”-Flo could understand and appreciate.

Whatcha’ think?

Christian: Is Alice-Flo even alive? I’m pretty certain our Jared from Subway fan-fiction is going to be huge with the teens, a big money making demographic I might add. I don’t think they are going to be into old Alice-Flo.

Just look at the size of that hat she’s wearing!

(source)

Insurance-Flo is who the teens are into today, what with their Insurance-Flo posters and Insurance-Flo bathroom products. Plus something tells me she turns into quite the little vixen when she’s not talking about car insurance rates.

Passion!

(source)

But either way I’m picturing Jared from Subway having many different lovers throughout our series so we don’t have to pick just one right now.

But what should be his first mission for our initial installment?

Pat:   Something having to do with pickles! I’ve always felt like pickles could be the center of a great caper!

Christian: Pickles could work. I was thinking more along the lines of stolen nuclear warheads, but I think you’re right. The first installment should be something simple. And then as the series goes along the stakes can slowly increase until eventually Jared from Subway is saving the world by stealing back nuclear warheads from sandwich terrorists.

But for now let’s go with pickles.

How about this; the Subway stores are dangerously low on their pickle inventory and they don’t know why. Therefore they call Jared from Subway into action! He’ll do some investigating, and learn that it’s the evil Quiznos corporation that is stealing Subway’s pickles under the guise of a haunted roller coaster or something. Somewhere along the way he’ll bang Insurance-Flo.

This stuff practically writes itself.

What do you think?

Pat:  NUCLEAR pickles! What could be more erotic than that?!

(Psst! If this blog thing doesn’t pan out, I really think we should pitch the idea of the “nuclear pickle” vibrator to some skeevy porn industry company. Just as a back-up, y’know.)

Christian: I just cashed in my 401k and reserved nuclearpickles.com. Hello early retirement.