Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Time Traveling: Which Way Should We Go?

Who knows if we will ever have the ability to time travel. With the amount of time our scientists spend trying to build better toothpastes, advancing laundry detergent technology, and working on that NASA thing, I’m guessing not.

But assuming we did have time traveling capabilities, if you could only travel in one time direction  - into the future or into the past - which direction would you want to go? Also, assume that you would have the ability to come back to your current time as much as you wanted. I know it doesn’t make sense because if you could do that it means you could travel in both directions, but this is hypothetical science damnit!

Pat:  So, I can only travel ONE way? And I know you said you can come back to the present as many times as you like, but doesn’t that mean you’d be going both ways? said that in the preface. Well, I still don’t get it, and I’m not comfortable making such a big choice when I don’t feel like I understand the question. I don’t know, Christian...I don’t think I can take this one on.

Christian:  Pussy.  

Pat:  Okay, fine...BACK! I can’t really see what could be good about travelling forward. It’s not like I’m super excited to see what goes gray first- my head or my back. Travelling back I could at least try to influence myself a bit. I’d sure as hell make sure I didn’t buy those fringe leather boots!

Christian:  Slow down there Marty McFly. No one said anything about being able to change your past to benefit your future self. I’m a firm believer that once you time travel into the past you are now in an alternate time line separate from the past you had previously experienced. Thus eliminating that whole kill your parents and cease to exist paradox that causes you to be photoshopped out of pictures. I think Einstein once said, “Paradoxes don’t happen because of math.” Although I might be paraphrasing. Therefore you can forget about heading to the past to try and improve your now life. That ship has sailed buddy.

Also why is time traveling all about you? You’re telling me that if you could travel in time, forward or backwards, all you would do is go see what you are/were up to? You’re just going to stalk yourself? Interesting. Vain. But interesting.

As for me I want to see the future in all its glory. I want to know if we ever start living on the Moon or have robot butlers. I want to see the wonders the future brings us. Don’t you want to know what Mach level Gillette reaches with their razors? Just imagine how many Machs it’s going to be. It’s going to be amazing!

Pat:  Well then what the hell is the point? If I can’t make those little fine-tuning adjustments that will result in a cooler and more refined me, then, again, what’s the point?

No. Y’know, I hadn’t thought about it that much, but you totally hit it. It would be all about me. I’m not really interested in seeing what anything else in the world is like. I just want to know what I WAS up to or what I WILL BE up to. Total self-voyeur. Sorry. Does that ruin your time-travel game?

Christian: (Warning: I’m about to do some pretty advanced and dangerous verb conjugation. It is required if one is to discuss, properly, the time traveling arts. This should only be attempted by those of us who are scholared in this advanced super field, who are pushing the boundaries of verb conjugation on a daily basis. We areing pioneers indeed.)

Pat, your future self will be going to have been really ashamed of your pre-future past self when time traveling was finally possible and you are having visiting him then.  

Your future self is going to be all “Don’t you have anything better to do? Stop following me! What are you doing with that camera? Just let me shave with my new Mach 27 razor in peace! Get him out of here iJeeves3000! (your future robot butler)”

And because Machs will be so plentiful in the future they’re going to start throwing Machs at you as you run off with your severely outdated camera (probably not even HD! Jesus Pat, the 90’s are over, get with the times). And as you are pounded with Machs, head to toe, you’ll be thinking; My future self and past Christian are/were right!

Pat, I think you’re going to have regretted this decision in the future past. It’s not too late, there’s still going to have been time to eventually changing-ed your mind.

Pat:  Fuck, dude...seriously? I don’t even know what comes after a double-negative (probably a triple-negative now that I think about it), but you did a negative to the fourth power in there or something.

So, I think what you were trying to say is that I’m wrong. Y’know, if you’re going to condemn me to being wrong in the past, present AND future, you might want to take into consideration the future of this blog. You are beating your blog-partner into the ground with this dehumanizing future-past criticism. I have feelings too, you know, even if they won’t manifest until the next century.

And I’m starting to worry that you either have a weird fetish for Mach razors, or that you’re getting some kickbacks from Gillette. Are you screwing me out of some endorsements?

Christian: Pshhh. No. What? I don’t have any secret endorsements going on. I just really enjoy getting the closest and most comfortable shave ever, due to Gillette’s 3 Blade Shaving Technology combined with Anti-Friction blades that gently glides over my face. It’s guaranteed to be your closest shave ever.  

I also really enjoy, Dr. Pepper - Because There is Nothing Like The Taste of Dr. Pepper - and Geico car insurance, which reminds me - We’ve got great news!  We can save you even more on your car insurance today! But you don’t see me mentioning those products.

But as for deciding which one of us is right in this time traveling debate, only the future will tell. Which means I must be the one that is right since I was the one that said traveling to the future would be better. You can’t argue the math, Pat. It’s science. But don’t worry, in the future you’re going to be too busy fighting the restraining order your future-self filed against you to really care.  

P.S. Remember you always have a friend in the diamond business with The Shane Company!

Pat:  I’m sticking with my vote, and I refute the idea that we can’t go back and change things, ‘cause you know what I’m going to change right off the bat? I’m going to make sure that the blog by-laws state very clearly that any and all endorsement deals related to said blog be split evenly between all blog writers. You probably got a kickback from Nabisco for that Triscuits vs. Wheat Thins post too, didn’t you? Man, I’m getting screwed!  

Can we really save money on car insurance? Because I’ve been thinking mine is a little steep.


  1. Funny stuff gentlemen! This was the funniest thing I will read next/last week!

  2. This time travel stuff has is been gave me a headache (I'm no friend of math) and I have a strange desire to shave in my car while drinking Dr Pepper.

  3. Rent the movie "Primer" if you haven't already.

  4. Christian, I don't know if we're using words effectively to convey our ideas. We're getting credit for humor, when we SHOULD be getting credit for amazing scientific thinking and paradigm shifting. Let's try to edit a bit better next time, yeah?

  5. Megiweg- thanks.

    Tumbleweed- be careful...Dr. Pepper, while tasting good, really isn't good for your teeth. Swallow quickly!

    Anonymous- will do! But you probably already know that from the future, don't you? Clever!

  6. @Megiweg - Thanks! Your supporteding in the past, present, and future will is be appreciateding.

    @Tumbleweed - Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Uh... I mean, I have no idea why you have such an odd desire.

    @Anonymous - Have I seen it? I own it! It's required viewing for those of us that dabble in the time traveling arts. I've probably watched it about 4 or 5 times too, which is necessary if you want to try and understand what's going on.

    @Pat - Yes. I too am concerned that people aren't taking this seriously.

  7. I don't think that you guys took this seriously enough. “Paradoxes don’t happen because of math.” You can't drop bombs like that and not expect me to find it funny.

  8. Awesome. Too bad you didn't put this ad in your post:

    I gave you an award, come to my blog to pick it up.

  9. @Yvonne - Ah, you found our wanted add. Sweet! I'm assuming that means you are interested. Remember, don't forget to bring your weapons.

    P.S. Thanks for the award. I'm heading your way now.

  10. Remember: Wibbly wobbly. Timey wimey.
    (Dear god, I hope you get that reference...)

  11. @nikki - Unfortunately I had to google it to know the reference. Never got into Doctor Who. But after doing the research I now know that that is a good reference for the topic at hand. Looks like I just got a double barrel blast of learning. Thanks!