Thursday, February 23, 2012

Whose World Is It?

I like science. And philosophy. Or at least I think I like those things. I like them until they make my brain hurt, and then I don’t like them anymore, but after awhile I forget about the painful stuff and I go back to them. Kinda’ like the girls I liked unrequitedly in middleschool-highschool-college-adulthood-dreamtime. And then it makes me happy again.

But some of this early Greek stuff and modern quantum physics stuff has been freaking me out a little lately, what with the whole idea of reality simply being MY reality, and different (or even non-existent!) for everyone else. Aside from realizing that I’ve been watching NOVA too much, what do I do when my thoughts get mucky? Why, I turn to my good buddy Christian for advice.

Pat:  Sometimes the idea that I get my own reality sounds really cool--like when Greg got to move into the den, and then the attic, to get away from pesky Peter and Bobby and be his own cool self. But sometimes it gets really lonely, like I’m the only one in my reality, and even though others are there, they really only MIGHT be there, and that leaves me feeling not very comforted.

What do you think?

And just so you know, if I don’t like your advice, I want to warn you in advance that this is MY reality, so I don’t have to heed it. Proceed.

Christian: Who are Greg, Peter, and Bobby?

Pat:  Brady Bunch. Duh. C’mon, man...stay with me.

You know what, though? This mighta’ been a first for our blog--I’m not sure what the hell I was talking about in the intro and paragraphs above. I might have been drinking a bit, and/or this might be a sign that I really should go see a doctor. But it’s like another person was writing those words, man. I’ve tried like four times, but I’m not even sure what those words MEAN.


...this is EXACTLY the kind of alternate reality the drunk me was talking about!

We might have tapped into something very dangerous here, buddy!

Christian: What’s the Brady Bunch? You mean Gary, Paul, and Billy from the the old TV show the Gilbert Gang? The one about the man with three boys who marries a woman with three girls and no one ever talks about or mentions their former spouse/parent?

Pat: and they have a dog, Tiger (but only in the first season)? and Alice, the live-in maid? and Sam, the butcher who disappears with Alice into the live-in quarters between the oven and the fireplace?


And you know what? There is a house on the way to my local grocery store that looks EXACTLY like what I imagine the Brady (or...Gilbert) house looks like. Not from the outside of course, as we already have that image. But we all know that one wasn’t their real house. No, the house I’m talking about is the house that I imagine is what their house looked like on the outside from what the inside looked like. Right? It’s PERFECT! And I want to live there.

And you know what I would do if I lived in that house? I would rig a system whereby I could freak the neighbors into thinking they heard and saw UFOs floating around in their backyards. And I would throw a football into my sister’s nose...when she visited, I guess. And I would punch any asshole in the face who made fun of my sister’s, err--I guess my daughter’s--lisp!

Wanna’ move in with me?

Christian: OK, I’m going to go ahead and just admit that I was joking around with the whole Gilbert Gang thing. I was just trying to mess with you to try and make it seem like you were living in a different world than me. But based on those last couple of paragraphs of yours, you might already be doing that.

You seem dangerously close to slipping into a false reality where you think you are a member of the Brady Bunch. But I’m here to help.

I’ve posted some images below from the show. Remember these are images of a TV show called the Brady Bunch. Not reality. When looking at them try to concentrate on the fact that you are not part of this fictitious family. 


Hopefully that helped.

Pat: OH. MY. GOD. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I haven’t felt that excitement since Santa brought me my new Schwinn Varsity Deluxe Ten Speed bike, only four years after I asked for it!

Do photo-shopped pictures enlarge and frame well?

Christian: Stop it. You are not part of the Brady Bunch and never will be. Accept it. I’m tired of having to keep telling you this all the time.

Now let’s get back to your original ramblings. Your own reality huh? Interesting concept. Here’s a question for you: If you knew without a doubt that you were in your very own reality and that everyone else in your reality was only there as an “actor” to facilitate your reality, would you live/had lived your life any differently? Or behave any differently?

For example, if you knew that every person you came in contact with was only there to participate in your reality as extras, or characters, would you care about what they thought about you? Would you ever be concerned about embarrassing yourself or failing at something? Do you think you would be more apt to talk to strangers? Lots of things to explore here.

What are your thoughts Greg... I mean Pat?

Pat: I think you might have just watched “The Truman Show”.

Christian: No. But you get my point. If you found out that your entire reality, including the entire Earth, Universe, what have you, was all set up just for you and everyone else was just there to participate in your story (but without the reality TV part like in The Truman Show) would you behave any differently? I for one might think about shoplifting more.

Pat: I would eat more Twinkies and other Hostess snack cakes. Unabashedly, and with wild abandon. Other than  I think it’d all be pretty much the same.

No actually, there’d be a couple more things.

I’d stare at people more, and not worry about them catching me doing so. And I might spend more time looking at their specific parts that I usually have to remind myself to avoid staring at. ‘Cause I can, you know. Without getting caught or slapped.

I’d wear the same clothes every day, until I couldn’t stand my own smell anymore.

I would make loud barking sounds anytime someone said something annoying or something I disagreed with.

I would run people over every now and then. With my car (I don’t think I ride my bike fast enough to both knock them down AND roll over them).

There might be more, but that’s good for now.

Christian: So putting aside the vehicular manslaughter attempts and perverse leering, it sounds like you might behave in a fashion that suggests you wouldn’t necessarily care what others thought of you anymore. Therefore my philosophical question becomes, why not live that way now? Again, minus the vehicular manslaughter and perverse leering.

Pat: Too risky.

Christian: You’re such a Peter Brady.


  1. Wow, this is all so thinky and deep. Just like that time Bobby and Peter got lost in the Grand Canyon and had to put hot dogs in their flashlight, for some reason. I never could figure that out.

    Also, Pat, you might should cut out the NOVA for awhile.

    1. We have hot dogs in all of our flashlights at home in case of an emergency.

  2. Hey a dude from our town ran over and old woman on his bike and killed her so I think that if you really want to get get in on this vehicular manslaughter thing, you can. Just sayin.

  3. I'm cracking up that you mentioned "The Gilbert Gang" to throw him off about his reality. Haha!! Oh, man, that's good. This alternate reality stuff is making my head hurt. It's too complex. Too complex. I'm going to take a nap now.

    1. Oooh, a nap does sound good. I just hope all of my coworkers don't keep asking me why I am laying on my desk like they always do.

  4. Maybe this is just MY reality, but I'm pretty sure there's a Pat Brady in the Brady Bunch I watched.

  5. Oh no! Sounds like you and Pat are having reality crossover.