Thursday, September 13, 2012

German Purity...What's Not to Love?

Christian and I, being consenting responsible adults, can be grouped among that small demographic of American males who like beer. That said...

Pat:  Hey buddy...what do you think about the Reinheitsgebot?

Christian: Oh... uh, yeah I love that stuff. So tasty and smooth. Goes great with just about any food. Mmmmm.... Reinheitsgebot. Yum.

Pat:   No...THE Reinheitsgebot, silly. It’s not a foodstuff. It’s the German purity law of 1516 that strictly dictates what may go into German beer (if it is to still be called “German” beer). Ringing any bells?




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Christian: Oh that law of 1516. I see.

Actually, I don’t.

I don’t think I have ever heard of this law. It’s German you say? What’s the punishment if you break it? Because at some point in my life I may have stated that “This is the greatest German beer I have ever had!” while holding a bowl of rice krispies. Am I in some kind of trouble now?

Pat:  Yup, you’re toast! But only if you set foot on German soil.

I think about the Reinheitsgebot at least thrice annually, and this last time I had a couple of accompanying thoughts. First, you’d think the German nation would be a little wary of any laws containing the word “purity”. Whatever. Kudos to them, I suppose, for overcoming historical stigmas.

Secondly, though, I got a little jealous. The Germans have a law distinguishing their beer. The French have baguette and champagne. Italy has the DOC designation. Mexico has taco vans. What do we have? Wouldn’t it be kinda’ cool if we had a chicken nugget purity law?

Christian: Well, I’ve got some good news for you. The other day I was doing some research on Bourbon, for uh... science, and learned that to legally be called a Bourbon it has to have been made in the United States. So does that make you feel better?

And as an extra bonus, Bourbon goes great with chicken nuggets. At least according to my science.


Aaaah, Bourbon. So awe-inspiring and majestic.
It’s like a bald eagle made of alcohol.


Pat:  Yeah, I suppose that helps...bourbon and chicken nuggets? That’s what we’ve got? Perhaps not as steeped in tradition and national pride as the Reinheitsgebot, but I could get behind it. Imagine if every kid’s meal came with a seal ensuring that the nuggets they were about to eat were formed in accordance with the American Nugget Purity Law of 1979?


Mmm...government assured purity!

Christian:  Yeah that would be cool. We could model it after the legal requirements for Bourbon. For example, the nuggets would have to have an alcohol content of at least 40%. Oh wait, you were talking with regards to kid’s meals. Maybe 15% then. What else?

Pat:  No, I was thinking that the actual nuggets would have a stamp embossed in them. That way the fast food joints wouldn’t be able to sneak an imposter nugget in there. And I bet the alcohol would burn off in the frying, leaving only the delightful flavor and aroma of pure American bourbon for the kids to enjoy in their pure American nuggets! This is sounding really good!

Christian:  Pat, when you have a great idea you have a great idea. Now what kind of sauces are we talking about? I think there should also be some purity with regards to the sauce too.

Obviously it will also be made up of 15% bourbon, but should we go with BBQ? Sweet n’ sour? (I know sweet n’ sour is typically an Asian thing but I really like it).

Honey mustard? Or were you thinking we would just use bourbon as a sauce?

Pat:  Bourbon sauce sounds awesome! But you know what sounds awesomer? What about a Cherry-Orange sauce for an Old Fashioned nugget experience? Or a Vermouth-Bitters sauce for a Manhattan nugget explosion in your mouth? I am REALLY liking where this is going...”drinks you can eat”! People could gorge themselves, and what could be more American than combining a drinking problem with an eating disorder?

Christian: Nothing is the answer to that question. So are we thinking our nugget purity law will just require the sauce to be alcoholic? Doesn’t matter which alcohol as along as it contains alcohol?

What are we going to call this great nugget purity law of 2012? Reinheitsgebot is an OK name for the beer one but if you ask me it sounds a little too German.

Pat:  I’m no expert in deep fat frying, but I don’t know if there is a way to simultaneously cook the nugget AND maintain the alcohol in the bourbon. Maybe if we used some of that technology like in Freshen-up Gum™, where we could encapsulate a little shot of bourbon inside a digestible polymer inside the nugget meat...maybe then we could do it! Imagine shoving a whole nugget in your mouth, enjoying a few chews, and then--KAPOW!!!--a shot of flamin’ hot bourbon bursts down your gullet!


Uh-oh...someone might have beaten us to the concept!

Now it’s like we’ve combined a drinking problem with an eating disorder with a fraternity-derived means for dangerous living!

God I love our country!

A name, though? Hmm...how about the “Keeping It Gross and American Ordinance of 2012”?

Christian: Hmm... The KIGAO of 2012 huh? How about the “Keeping It Certifiably Killer, American Style, Statute”. Or KICKASS!

38 comments:

  1. I vote for the KICKASS of 2012. I'm not even American & I love this idea! Go! Make this happen.

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    1. We're working on it. Apparently the US patent office is busy with some health and technology related patents from Merck. Whatever.

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    2. Vinny, may I ask what you are if not American? This is the first time I've heard of such beings.

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  2. This was a little to collaborative and getting-along-y to be a point-counter-point-point-point. Although I'm glad to see you all working together for the greater good.

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    1. I know what you mean. I felt slightly uneasy when I pressed that publish button. I'm actually starting to feel slightly queasy too. But that might be because of all the bourbon and chicken nuggets I've recently consumed.

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    2. Ooh...I think a hug might be in order, Christian!

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  3. We have a law about Vegemite that makes it mandatory for each teaspoon to contain, at a minimum, seventeen times the daily recommended salt intake.

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    1. Kellie, are you Australian? Oh my god! This whole blog thing just got SO much more exciting! I didn't know we went international!

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    2. Kellie, just ignore Pat, he's never been to Australia so he gets kind of excited about these things. I on the other hand spent a week and a half there once so, as I'm sure you would agree, I'm pretty much an Aussie. Down with those Kiwis, right?

      P.S. They should look into adding some bourbon into that Vegemite stuff.

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  4. Remember: America also gave us American flags, French fries, and Japanese sports cars. Or most of those things.

    best,
    MOV

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    1. Excellent points. We can probably also claim unhealthy food that ends in 'os' (Oreos, Cheetos, Dorritos, etc) and diabetes.

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  5. Will you PLEASE come to my Oktoberfest party on Sept. 29th? No, seriously. I mean it. It's ridiculous. You're ridiculous. Kind of a match made in heaven. Ja?

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    1. Well...where do you live? I have some frequent flyer miles built up. Hey! Did we invent those too?

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    2. We're totally there! All we need is air fair and some beer once we get there. Of course there's also the issue of our public appearance fee. Which is beer so I guess you already have that covered since I mentioned it in the previous sentence.

      Oakton has a lot of local micro-breweries right? If not just replace all the above beer references with a local Oakton bourbon.

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  6. I think tequila chicken nuggets. With margarita sauce. Or is that too Mexican? Americans like tequila, too. And we do like to appropriate things so maybe this would work.

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  7. ...and she wanders off to put bourbon in her coffee... ah well. I made a valiant effort to drink it straight.

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    1. Are you talking about drinking the coffee or the bourbon straight?

      I too love putting bourbon in things. Especially my mouth.

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  8. I really like the international possibilities; tequila nuggets with lime sauce, maybe saki nuggets with teriyaki sauce, or even ouzo nuggets with hummus. This could be as American as a McDonal's in Tokyo.
    KICKASS guys!

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    1. The ouzo nuggets with hummus might be the greatest idea I have ever heard.

      You know how everyone has that one alcohol or drink that really did them in at one point or another in their lives? Ouzo is that drink for me. But I'm still a big fan.

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  9. You don't drink Ouzo anymore...what's your drink now? Milk and whiskey?

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    1. I still drink Ouzo! Just in moderation. And yes a milk and whiskey does sound good right about now. Thanks!

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    2. I have not sipped or smelled ouzo since September of 1993. Makes my body want to un-eat.

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  10. Hey...I think I was there when you parted ways with Ouzo. I think I parted the same ways. Didn't we do that in the same hostel bunk room? Or was it the Adriatic Sea?

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    1. You were actually there for the first time I parted ways with Ouzo, Pat. It was the Adriatic Sea. Megiweg was there for the second parting. Eugene, OR.

      But you know that saying If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it was truly meant to be.

      Ouzo and I were meant to be.

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  11. Listen, if you guys can figure out some way for it to be mainstream acceptable for me to slip my kiddos a "little something" to take the edge of their psychotic energy, I'm on board. Don't care what brew you go with or what you call it. Oh wait, now I've officially gone public with being the worst mother EVER.

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    1. No no. This is a great idea. It can be called something like "Little Tommy's Little Something Calming Juice". We'll let you know when it goes to market.

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  12. And my mind is officially blown double time with "encapsulate a little shot of bourbon inside a digestible polymer inside the nugget meat" and Meatball Bubblegum.
    The Bourbon Rule is pretty good. It's at least as good a rule as the "Champagne must be from the Champagne region of France to be called Champagne" rule. And THAT was included in the Treaty of Madrid.

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    1. Included in the Treaty of Madrid? Really? We need to get our chicken nugget law included in some treaty.

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  13. You two need to get yourselves in front of Congress somehow and get this thing going. I'm not sure where Congress is or if they even exist but that's not my problem; y'all are the ones with the snazzy acronym.

    (that may have sounded a little snarky but my in-laws are here and I have to take it out on someone.)

    Also, bald eagle juice should be a thing.

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    1. We'll also mention bald eagle juice when we're in front of Congress. Now we just need to find them. To the yellow pages!!!

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  14. All this information, and just in time for Oktoberfest!

    Pearl

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    1. Oh yeah. I would like to say that that was intentional but I don't think anyone would believe we successfully planned something.

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  15. Count me in... I would totally get behind a bourbon/nugget American movement. Also, I'm pimping this post on Twitter--you guys are awesome. How do you not have 8975649 google followers yet?!?!?

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    1. We ask ourselves that everyday. With that exact number too. Thanks for the support!

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  16. I'm sure that McDonald's is quickly but quietly siphoning this idea away from you. You should get a patent lawyer. And quickly.

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    1. Noooo! I'll contact our patent lawyer right away. His name is Ronald McLawyer. Should I be worried?

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