Thursday, August 30, 2012

It's Worse Than We Thought!

Hey Christian...I don’t even know if this one counts as a post or a warning!

Remember back when I talked about that squirrel falling out of a tree (here), and how that might have could have possibly been a harbinger of some great big animal takeover?

Well, get this! In the last week I’ve had TWO inexplicable experiences again related to animals being where they shouldn’t be.

First...I was leading a workshop teaching about 35 other teachers about...aw, shit, you don’t care what I was teaching them. Anyway, I was in a room with 35 other adult educators when I completely lost their attention to a llama that came from the hallway outside and paraded itself through our meeting space. It was weird! People either rushed to get their picture taken with it, or they continued with their table discussions as though everything was normal...and I’m not sure which response was weirder!

Then...yesterday while on a run (kinda’ near to your neighborhood, just so you know!), I turned down a side road, and saw three huge peacocks standing on a fence railing, just staring at me, with a thuggish glint in their eyes! Their heads just turned, following me slowly, as I passed by. Nothing since has come of it (that I KNOW of), but it was just darn creepy!

More and more, animals are appearing where they are NOT supposed to be! What the hell is going on here, man?

Christian: Did you get prescribed some new medications recently? If so I think you might be reading the dosage amounts wrong.

Pat:  NO! This is not a joke, and I am not high or bonkers! And just so you know, I have a feeling that’s EXACTLY the kind of response they’re planning on my fellow humans having when I sound the alarm, thus making their takeover that much easier.

And in the time since you wrote, guess what? Skunk in the neighborhood setting up shop! How cavalier do they think they can be?!

Oh...and crows? Don’t even get me started on crows. I think they might be the masterminds behind the whole thing!

Christian: OK, maybe you are onto something here - although I still think you should have someone check your dosage readings - because the other day I experienced one of these “situations” that you seem to be having all the time.

Here’s what went down.

I was taking the garbage out to the curb and I suddenly noticed a flurry of something out of the corner of my eye above me on the telephone wire. I assumed it was a bird landing on the wire but when I looked up I saw that it was two squirrels fighting each other.

About a second after it registered with me what I was seeing they both fell. I gasped as I watched the two of them plummet to the ground. But the weird thing was that they continued to fight as they fell through the air. It was kind of like the Matrix.

As they were about to hit the ground, just a few feet away from me, I cringed, bracing myself for  their impact. But to my surprise they landed rather softly and continued fighting, not missing a beat. They formed one big blurry ball of squirrel fury.

At this point I took a step forward and said, rather sternly, “Knock it off, you two.”

Once I said this I realized how ridiculous I must sound to anyone who might be currently watching the situation. I quickly looked around to make sure none of my neighbors were out and about, or at least within earshot.

The squirrels at this point must have also realized how ridiculous I sounded because they both took off running. One chasing the other, obviously not ready to give up the fight quite yet.

I resisted all temptations to chase off after them and headed back inside.

Is this episode the kind of thing you are talking about?


There’s something about squirrels I just don’t trust.

Pat: Yes, exactly. They are definitely getting more and more bold about letting us see the things that have heretofore been only visible in the animal realm. I think it’s their way of giving us a subtle warning...as though they’re saying, “Hey, if they don’t get the clues from THESE antics, then they deserve to be dominated by us!”

The kids and I just took advantage of one of our fair cities’ public ventures--movies in the park. They’re free, so I had no qualms about going. I say that because the film that night was “Zookeeper” starring Kevin James and, I think, the city of New York. It might be the worst film in the world. It involves talking animals, and the premise is that the main character is such a tool that the animals have to help him, so they agree to override the animal world agreement that they let humans know that not only can they understand our language (only English, I presume) AND that they can speak it too.

And it just occurred to me that maybe ANIMALS made it...as yet another warning. That could at least explain why it was so bad.


Is this our future?

Christian: I haven’t seen the movie but the previews were so bad they made my IQ hurt. Wait a second...  I think you actually might be onto something here. But it might be worse. What if instead of the movie being a warning it’s actually the beginning of them taking over?

Maybe they intentionally made it so bad that it would actually makes us dumber from having watched it. I know I felt dumber after watching the previews. I can’t even imagine how dumb you and your kids are now after watching the whole movie.

I think they are planning on dumbing us down so that they can take over as rulers of the world.

What do you think? Hopefully you still have enough wits about you to read and comprehend what I am writing here. PAT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS I’M SAYING?

Pat:  Huh? Can you write shorter sentences, please? I’ll re-read what you wrote and try harder to understand the words, but I need to go feed my cats right now. They’re driving me nuts, and they don’t stop until I do what they want.

46 comments:

  1. I think you've confirmed that the apocalypse is taking place in Oregon. Is it too late to pack my bags and start driving north?

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    1. Or would I want to drive South, away from the apocalypse? Or is nowhere safe? What exactly is proper protocol during an apocalypse?

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    2. It depends. If you are good at negotiating with animals then head North. We'll need your help. Otherwise run south as fast as you can!!!

      You're in California right? That also effects my answer as to whether you should head north or south.

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    3. No! come on up...we're having a ball!

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  2. First of all squirrel fury is the best phrase ever and I am going to have it printed on something. Possibly my business cards.

    Secondly, I need more information on the llama prancing in the hallway. Pat were you by chance teaching teachers of llamas? Because if you were in a llama school then it really isn't all that weird. Also, why do they need to L's, teacher man? *That* junk is weird.

    Even though no one has asked me to, I'm going to call Pat the winner on this one because I'm worried about what his medication might make him do if I don't.

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    1. On your business cards, are you going to add "Squirrel Fury" to the existing info about yourself or will that be the only info that you offer?

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    2. Maybe she is changing her *name* to "Squirrel Fury" or that would be "Ms. Fury" to people who don't know her very well.

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    3. I think they will just say Squirrel Fury. And maybe my phone number.

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    4. These comments are cracking me up. I can't imagine a better business card. I totally want one.

      It also makes me think that maybe this is just the tip of the iceberg for this Squirrel Fury concept. I think this just might be the beginning of something huge. Or maybe I've eaten too much licorice today.

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    5. I say go with whatever mammalian name you feel fits!

      I wish I could say that there were special circumstances to the Llama (no idea why they merit two 'L's by the way) incident, but it was just a regular gaggle of teacher gathered to learn about assessing with standards (FUN!), when who should appear but Romo the therapt Llama!?!

      Does that not happen in the corporate world?

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  3. Pat, I don't want to alarm you, but did these peacocks make any sounds while you ran past them?
    The reason I bring it up is that I'm pretty sure that a peacock's cry is an omen on your impending death. That being said, I'd avoid Christian for a while either way.

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    1. Listen to her Pat. I don't want your impending death getting all over my new shoes.

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    2. No sounds from them at all, which was even creepier than a cry of impending death. Just a cold, cold stare.

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  4. This could just mean that the animals have finally accepted us as here to stay and decided to stop putting up pretenses. You know? Like when you've reached that stage of a relationship with someone when it's okay to fart in their presence.

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    1. Interesting theory, but I don't think I'm ready fart in front of animals yet.

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  5. A LLAMA?????? where are you teaching your seminar, in Peru? Is Paddington Bear one of your students?

    I would have wanted my photo taken with the llama too. My hair always looks much better in pictures when I am standing next to a llama.

    best,
    MOV

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    1. Oh yeah, llamas always make everything look great. We had all of our wedding pictures taken with llamas.

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    2. I bet it does--I certainly don't want to argue with you on that one--but this llama did have some pretty majestic hair. Mighta' been a tough one to judge!

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  6. Ooh, watch out for the peacocks, those guys are bastards!

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    1. I've heard that. They're kind of show offs too aren't they? "Hey look at me I have plumage" is what they are saying and also happens to be a pick up line that totally doesn't work no matter how many times I try it.

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    2. I always feel a little sorry for the pea-hens. They've got nothing!

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  7. I would also like to learn more about this Llama.

    We were at the zoo recently and they SAID the polar bears weren't out because their habitat was being refurbished but now I'm worried that they were on some kind of spy mission.

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  8. Um, yeah. The Llama has got me stumped. Were you teaching people how to drop acid?

    Oh, and I accidentally watched Zookeeper and found it pretty delightful for a mindless, half drunk saturday afternoon movie... much to my horror.

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    1. Was it an accident? Or perhaps you sat down to pet your cat or dog or something and it just happened to be on and the next thing you know you watched the whole thing.

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  9. Hmmm...I assume for the most part that animals are nefarious creatures with their own take on where the evolution of various species are headed (we are not winning the race in their minds) but mostly what I learned from this post is not to read your blog in bed at 5 in the morning when Dude is still sleeping because believe it or not he will not find it charming to be awoken by the dulcet tones of my laughter...um, do I get points for longest run-on comment ever?

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    1. I'm concerned we aren't winning the evolution race either.

      Also, you don't get points for longest run-on comment but you do get points for the phrase "dulcet tones of my laughter"

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    2. I actually just love that you're in a sleeping relationship with someone known as "the dude"!

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  10. Okay, since we've ruled out the use of hallucinatory substances, I'm definitely going to have to go with Revenge of the Beasts on this one. Here is my concern: how close to home are we talking about? As in, is my dog (hitherto believed to be happily domesticated) getting in on the action? He's giving me the evil eye as I type, so get back to me quickly on this one.

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    1. Oh no! Sorry we didn't get back to you sooner but Pat and I headed out to the middle of the woods to build a bunker to hold up in in case the animals attack, but we then realized there are a god awful amount of animals out in the woods so maybe that wasn't the best idea. Hopefully you aren't under the rule of your dog?

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    2. Kill him. Kill your dog. Now.

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    3. Crap. Went on vacation for a week, and I only just now came back to check in on your advice. I think it's too late--we went the bone-headed route and took him with us to the beach, which only further ingratiated him into the family. I think he now officially dominates...

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    4. How do we know it's you leaving this comment and not your dog?

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  11. I will not rest until I see The Matrix with an all-squirrel cast.

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    1. I remember when my wife and I went and saw that movie. We both came out of the theater thinking it was surprisingly good but could have used some squirrels.

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  12. Crows and squirrels are the craftiest of critters. I share an apartment complex with squirrels, crows, wild turkeys, and ducks. I had a duck walk in through my back door and try to settle herself under my couch. I didn't think it was anything but a fluke until I stumbled upon your blog.

    We might all consult Animal Farm in preparation for the takeover.

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    1. Yes, if Animal Farm taught me anything it's that farm animals are the worst. I mean with regards to organizing and taking over. Definitely not in taste.

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  13. I think "thuggish glint" might be the best way I've ever heard someone describe a peacock's glare. Ever.

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    1. Thank you! I appreciate that. But to be honest Pat deserves some of the credit too since he came up with it and actually wrote it. But he did mention the peacocks were somewhat near my house so I should probably take at least some of the credit.

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  14. You know who has crows for henchmen? Crows named 'Thought' and 'Memory'? Of which poor Pat seems to be suffering pains of both. ODIN! All I'm saying is stay away from 6-legged horses.

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    1. The father of Thor? Oh no! I hope the Avengers know about this.

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  15. Totally awesome! You were one of the most-clicked links at last week's #findingthefunny. Featuring you tomorrow and pinning this. Thanks for linking up!
    Anna @ My Life and Kids

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  16. That explains the chipmunk trying to body-slam my calf. Thanks.

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