Thursday, August 2, 2012

Best Job Ever!

Readers should probably be informed that this post was begun on Sunday, June 10. The reason for that disclaimer will be evident shortly.

Pat:  Guess what? I just again realized that I might possibly have the best job in the world. Sure, some kids are kinda’ stinkers, but they suddenly become amazing wonders of creation at the end of the year, usually in June. Not sure why, but every year, like magic, it happens! LOVE it!

Is your job like that?

Christian: Is this because you are a teacher and have the next couple of months off? Because what I’m hearing is that you really love your job the most when you’re not doing it.

Pat:  Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Well, not really, actually. I do love my job. It’s just that I love it more now, when I’m not doing it.

Is your job like that?

Christian: Yes it is. I do like my job but I like not doing my job even more.

I would guess a lot of people like their job more when they’re not doing it. And I would even venture to say that most people would find their job even more appealing if they didn’t have to do it as much. In fact, I’m pretty sure that my job would be the absolutely best job in the world for me if I never had to do it.

So maybe not doing your job isn’t any more special than not doing any other job. Have you ever thought about that?

Pat:   What are the laws governing the use of triple negatives?

I think you’re onto something...our love for things is inversely related to the amount of time we have to spend doing it. That sounds like math or physics. Therefore, while I do love teaching WHILE I am actually teaching, I love the IDEA of teaching more, especially when I don’t have to do it.

Whew! This is grammatically taxing!

Christian: Yes. And I can’t tell you how much I absolutely love not working as a Sewage Treatment Worker or Elephant Semen Extractor. I truly love not having to do those jobs. Probably even more than you love not teaching.

Hi.

So if the point of this post was to determine what that best job not to ever do is, I think we can do a lot better than teacher.

Pat:  Wait! What?

No...but I LIKE my job, much more than I like not doing other jobs. See what happens when I try to start a post?! You mix up words ‘til I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. It’s not fair!

And it’s not really that I like my job, it’s just that I wanted to rub it in your face that you’re probably working while you write all this out while I’m enjoying my seventh cup of coffee and my second breakfast while still in my bedclothes and it’s already 2 p.m.  

But I was trying to be nice about it and just talk about how I liked my job. Why do you have to ruin EVERYTHING, Christian?

You know what job would SUCK, though? Hot Dog on a Stick! That uniform is dehumanizing!


I hate my life. I hate you. Fuck off.

Christian: But just think of all the free corn dogs! And with those uniforms it’s got to be non-stop fun on a stick!

Unless you’re a dude. Then yes those uniforms would really really suck. Do they let dudes work at Hot Dog on a Stick? Or is it one of those Hooters type places? I wouldn’t want to work at Hooters either. Those uniforms would also look terrible on me.

Pat:  Apparently, yes. Who knew?

Just LOOK at our lemons!

Christian: First Hot Dog on a Stick. Then Hooters. You really seem to have a thing for places that seem to degrade women. And before you go all arguing that you were actually criticizing Hot Dog on a Stick and that it was actually me that brought up Hooters, let’s just take a moment of silence to remember those that have been forgotten.

*Silence*

OK, now where was I before I had to give you a lesson on women’s liberation? Oh yeah, me mixing up your words. What? Where? What are you talking about? You’re the one who is now changing your tune about the purpose of this post. Remember? You just said, and I quote:

“And I don’t really like my job, it’s just that I wanted to rub it in your face that you’re probably working really hard to benefit society while you write all this out while I’m enjoying my seventeenth cup of bailey’s/whiskey and a constant stream of breakfast sausages while naked and it’s already well into the afternoon/late evening.”

Mixing up words? Pshhh.

Pat: Y’know, I’m really sorry. Sometimes having someone repeat your words back to you really helps you see what a jerk you’ve been. And by “your”, “you”, “you” and “you’ve” I really mean “my”, “me”, “me” and “I’ve”. Sorry man...I’ll work on being less of a dick. I’m also going to work on practicing better dietary habits, ‘cause that alcohol and sausage breakfast you reminded me I ate sounds really revolting!

Thanks for being such a friend!

Christian: Apology accepted.

For now.

And maybe I am a little jealous that you have the entire summer off, to drink alcohol, eat sausages, and go around being a dick. Yes, I wish I could do that too. In fact I have always thought that your job would be the most perfect job to have if it wasn’t for the teaching part of it.  

20 comments:

  1. Why is it that the employees in the dorkiest uniforms always seem the happiest? Have you ever seen a frowny Hot Dog on a Stick girl? Then there are those looser outfits that In 'n' Out employees have to wear. I swear they are Stepford employees.

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    1. That is an excellent observation that I had never thought of and has now made me afraid of corn dogs.

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  2. This one made me not-think about my life and the direction that it isn't going in. Thanks guys! You've really helped me turn my life a full 360.

    In fact, I don't have to wear a uniform to work, but I think I might start doing that tomorrow. I think it'll really help me focus.

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    1. I suggest either a pilot's uniform or a Civil War Union Army soldier.

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  3. Marian, I don't know that I frequent said uniformed workplaces enough to make a judgement. I'll do my best to do so as much as possible in the remaining month I have of not doing my job!

    Megiweg...rock it! Wear that uniform with gusto and just watch as your fellow employees start following suit--err, uniform--when they see how cool it is. Or isn't. Are we still working in negative speak?

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  4. Pat, congratulations on the several months of not having to do your job. That just gives you more time to argue with Christian, which is a great benefit to us all.

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    1. I'll do by best to best that bastard!

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  5. There's a place called "Hot Dog on a Stick?" they must have spent a whole minute coming up with that name... apparently in 1946 (thanks google). Well... I guess people were mostly drunk then. I've seen Mad Men.

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    1. Yes, if Mad Men has taught me anything it's that people drank like fish during that time period. That and everyone was incredibly good looking.

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  6. You two get funnier with every post!

    For some reason I picture a person wearing bedclothes to look like Doris Day. Are you really Doris Day, Pat? Because she is not a teacher, she's a virgin.

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    1. That's funny...I picture Hugh Hefner. Maybe that's a smoking jacket, and not bedclothes. I actually wear neither.

      And no, I'm not Doris, or that other thing you mentioned.

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  7. I thought people in bedclothes got up in the middle of the night to investigate a noise while carrying a candlestick in one hand and shielding the flame from drafts with the other hand, thus leaving them approximately zero hands free to defend themselves when they find obviously rabid and insane Hot Dog On A Stick employees rifling through their maps of the Territories and cross stitch samplers. Wait, what were we talking about?

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    1. That's EXACTLY what transpired in my house the other night. Weird!

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  8. I'm still wrapping my brain around that triple negative.

    I feel sorry for the Hot Dog on a Stick girls. Somehow that costume is more degrading than the Hooters outfit. I don't know how or why, but it is.

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    1. I think it's a bit more degrading because of the hat. They're like "Not only are we going to make you wear this skimpy outfit, but you're also going to have to wear this dunce cap."

      The fact that they are specializing in the sale of corn dogs doesn't help either.

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    2. The most degrading thing, Christian, is that the HDOAS 'girls' have to bounce up and down while they're making the lemonade. For real.

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    3. @Vanta C - Oh man, really? Talk about a never ending horror story.

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  9. People who have their writing partners twist their words unite! Although at this point I don't know with whom I'm uniting, but I stand firm that I will not be wearing a Hot Dog On a Stick (WTF?) uniform while doing it. Ellen

    (P.S.- I see what you mean about the timeliness.)

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    1. So what I'm hearing is that you agree that Pat is just crazy for thinking I twisted his words around and that you eventually want to get a job at Hot Dog On a Stick. The WTF in your comment stands for Want To Ferociously.

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