Thursday, December 13, 2012

One at a Time, Please!

So, in the high school where I teach, students were just half a day past wearing their “sexy _____ “ costumes or prom dresses (the Halloween costumes of choice for high school girls and boys, respectively) when there was an announcement encouraging students to participate in this years “Holiday Sharing” program, whereby we provide toys to kids in need for the holidays. I assumed they were referring to Veteran’s Day presents for less fortunate kids, but NO! They were talking about Christmas (or Hanukkah, or the non-existent, December gift giving holidays for Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists and Zoroastrians).

I love holidays a lot. They make the other days bearable. And I am certainly NOT one of those curmudgeons who says that because we live in a wonderfully diverse country, with many ethnic and religious cultures, we should not celebrate any one particular holiday out of fear of leaving someone out. I say celebrate ALL of them!

But, there’s gotta’ be a line somewhere! I would like to offer a suggestion that we limit ourselves to focusing on only one holiday at a time, whatever that holiday is. And along those lines, to acknowledge or pre-lebrate any holiday before an earlier holiday has passed (such as Christmas before Thanksgiving), would be considered a social crime punishable by ostracization and utter banishment from the larger culture. Seems harsh, but I really can’t take listening to carols before I’ve even finished my hand turkey or extinguished my Diwali lights.

Christian, might a beg a farthing of your thoughts on this one?

Christian: I see your point but don’t Hanukkah and Christmas overlap one another? How are you supposed to only focus on one at a time if they are occurring at the same time? Same goes for my birthday month and Valentine’s day. If everyone is just focused on celebrating my birthday month then you can pretty much kiss Valentine’s day goodbye.

Seems like this plan of yours is full of holes.

Pat:  Oh, Christian. I think you’re suffering from “goylexia”. It’s okay...apparently a lot of us gentiles are ill-informed ignoramuses!

Christian: So Hanukkah and the 12 days of Christmas aren’t the same thing. Who knew.

Pat: But you raise a good point, and I should have clarified. IF two or more holidays overlap, then I think it is just fine to celebrate BOTH simultaneously. For example, when Ramadan extends over Columbus Day, then I think it is perfectly appropriate to eat food we stole from Native Americans before sunrise or after sundown. See? Multi-brations can be easy!

And with regards to February? Well, I think it stands to reason that a certain fellow blogger of mine should be receiving kisses all through the month! Are all you ladies out there ready for that?

Christian: OK, but what about Canadian Thanksgiving? It is in October and since they don’t celebrate American Thanksgiving, that means they could start celebrating Christmas in November but Americans wouldn’t be allowed to do so until December. 

I don’t know how Canadian Thanksgiving is traditionally
celebrated but I’m assuming it’s something like this.

This plan of yours seems kind of racist.

Pat:  I thought we’ve covered this in earlier blogs. I have no problems with Canadians, other than them as people, their oddly valued currency, and their latitudes. They don’t count in this discussion.

If you’d like to pose another question I would be happy to answer it.

Christian: Oh yeah. I forgot about your unnatural uneasiness towards Canadians (don’t forget, our glorious Canadian readers, I still love you. So direct all hateful comments towards Pat, eh).

Don’t get me wrong. I do like this concept of yours of only celebrating one holiday at a time. But it’s just one of those ideas that seems too good to actually work without any negative side effects. Like Cat Stevens.

Let me Google something really quick.

*several weeks later*

Aha! OK, what about Arbor Day? In my extensive research to prove your idea bad, I learned that Arbor Day can be celebrated on different dates depending on which state you are in. Typically they are in April.

So Mr. Big Shot Idea man, let’s say hypothetically Easter falls on April 20th for a given year.  What about people who live in a state where Arbor Day isn’t until, say  April 24th but are traveling to visit family for Easter in a neighboring state that had already celebrated Arbor Day. Under your rules they should all be killed. Oh wait, you said banished didn’t you? Not killed. Either way, with your rules this family can’t spend easter with their relatives.

This plan of yours seems very anti-family.

Pat:  Do we have a day honoring Cat Stevens? If not...that’s a really good idea. Before daybreak we could all gather together to watch morning break, and then sing out together (because we WANT to), and the big finale to the day would be when the Tillerman visits your house and deposits magical tea in your pot. Don’t read too far into that last idea.

I’m all for family, by the way. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for families to split apart and live in different states. And if they do they should not be able to celebrate holidays together. That’s all.

Christian: OK, I’ll concede. For now. We can go with your plan of only celebrating one holiday at a time, but I still feel like it’s too good to be true and will eventually lead to impending doom. In the meantime I’m just going to light up my Cat Stevens tree and enjoy the holidays.

21 comments:

  1. What about Jehovah's Witnesses who don't celebrate any holiday, are they just screwed or would we force them to celebrate the predominant holiday of the time? Also, Canadian is a race? Where the hell have I been?

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    1. You're right, I probably should have said Pat's plan was hateful towards a minority group, not racists. Canadians are a minority group right? I mean compared to the entire world? But I guess then so are almost all countries, so I don't know. Man, being racists is hard.

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  2. That is *exactly* how I pictured Canadian Thanksgiving as well (minus the chicken costumes and plus hockey sticks and French accents, though).

    And to answer Pickelope above, yes, Canadian IS a race. Ooops, I meant Californian. Californian is a race, and that means we pay less taxes and get more sunshine and pretty ocean. Win/win.

    MOV

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    1. I was born in California so I must be a winner. At least that's what I'm getting from your comment.

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  3. I though they had gotten rid of Valentine's day because it was Christian's birthday month? I'll go check my calendar again, but I'm pretty sure on this...if not, so good to know it's okay to celebrate both. Go enjoy the Cat Stevens tree.

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    1. Some calendars didn't get updated correctly. If yours is wrong go ahead and return it for one that properly recognizes my birthday month. If they act like they don't know what you are talking about I would just take your business elsewhere.

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    2. I also celebrate my birthday month, but my birthday is in December, so I allow other holidays to be acknowledged. But no one is allowed to mention (or even think about) Christmas until *after* my birthday, which is December 16th.

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  4. I've been looking for a reason to stop celebrating Valentines Day, so I love this idea. I'm not sure what they'd do in Indiana though, because unless things have changed drastically since my childhood, they celebrate the Indy 500 as a year-round, non-stop holiday. By law we had to put checkered flags on our Christmas trees.

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    1. Oh man that reminds me. I really need to take down my Indy 500 tree. That thing probably died weeks ago.

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  5. I just wanted to comment that this is the funniest post by you guys that I have read so far, seriously hilarious. The Ramadan/Columbus day crossover and the Cat Stevens references were comedic gold, gentlemen, well done...

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    1. I think someone is going to be making Santa's nice list this year for sure. Thank you so much for the kind words.

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  6. A day to celebrate Cat Stevens? You mean a day to celebrate Yusuf Islam? I think that might send the wrong message.

    Person: "Happy Yusuf Islam day!"
    Random redneck, cocking his shotgun: "You sum kinda terrorist, boy?"

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    1. Yeah there are still some logistical issues that need to be figured out with regards to Cat Stevens day.

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    2. Is he still hell-bent on finding Salman Rushdie? Maybe a Rushdie piñata could be part of the celebration.

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  7. How about celebrating every holiday every day, so there is a constant cacophony of witches hexing Santa riding the Easter Bunny in a tree made of hearts? With holiday meals of chocolate turkeys and candy corn on the cob dipped in cranberry sauce.

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  8. This is a pretty brilliant idea, but I'm pretty curious as to how we're supposed to celebrate your birth month? I'm assuming there are themed costume days. I need to know more so I don't look like a jack-ass this year!

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    1. Oh yes, themed costumes daily. You get to pick the themes. And sending cash my way is another great way to celebrate it. Happy me-month everybody! Oh, wait it's still only December.

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  9. I don't know how I missed this post. It probably has to do with all of Pat's hippy talk; my communist subconcious mind would'nt let it through. But regardless, I agree with you both.

    Kill everyone who tries to celebrate a holiday before its appropriate time.

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