Who Doesn't Like a Parade? I Mean Besides Me.

I hate to rain on everyone’s-liking-parades parade, but I have never really cared for parades. Not even as a kid. I just don’t see what’s to like about watching a bunch of slow moving vehicles covered in paper mache drive by, followed by a marching band playing songs from the catalog of most overplayed radio songs of all time. But maybe I’m in the minority here.

Pat, how do you feel about Parades?

Pat:  Nope, I don’t like parades. Too many people.  

Christian: To me it has nothing to do with the too many people (Although I’m not a fan of that either). It’s the standing there watching unexciting things slowly move by you that I’m not a fan of.

If you were to remove the “too many people” factor, then how would you feel about parades?

Pat:  Hmm...no “too many people”? Not sure. I think I’d opt to criticize the too-slow-moving aspect of parades!

Christian: So what could we change about them that would make them more appealing?

Pat:  Running bulls?

Christian: Pat. I seem to always be able to count on you to come up with same absurd idea that makes no sense logistically and is so far out there that one wonders if you are even putting any thought into it, but then you come up with an idea like adding running bulls to parades and all of sudden you’re a genius!

Yes, running bulls! I am totally down with this.

The marching band people, who we would make dress all in red, would have to run around avoiding the bulls. They could jump onto the floats for safety but man alive I bet those bulls would really tear through that paper mache! The floats would be like giant slow moving piñatas.  

We would probably need to set up some walls around the parade route to prevent the bulls from charging into the crowd. But that’s just a minor detail.

My only concern is that bulls are much faster than parade floats so, as a spectator, once the bulls finished running by all I’m left with to watch are some slow moving vehicles covered in shredded paper mache and a bunch of maimed marching band members.

Any thoughts?

Pat: That’s a perfect description. So...I don’t get it. What’s the problem?  

I could be talked into going to a parade like that.  Not sure it would be appropriate for the kids, but it’s so hard to tell these days, what with the wars and the news and the TVs and such.

By the way, it’s technically “papier mâché”. I wouldn’t be the kind of dick-head who says that, but now that we have international followers, I think it’s important to be sensitive to the finer points of the languages our fans might speak.

Christian: Are you sure? “Papier mache” sounds pretty French to me. You’re not suggesting that the French invented parades are you? And how did you put all of those squiggle and dash things over the letters? I thought I was the computer expert here.  

Pat:  Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you that I got a francophile computer. It specializes in queer linguistic symbols. It also requires a daily break for espresso and a cigarette.

And how dare you insinuate that I would disparage our friends in France by suggesting that they invented the intolerable parade?! We all know that was done by the Dutch!

Christian: Damnit! Stupid Dutch. I don’t want to over generalize here but they are continuously ruining everything in existence.  

*quickly checks blog stats and notices some hits coming from the Netherlands*

Wait! I mean the Dutch are awesome! I love their windmills and their overall Dutchyness. Did they really invent the parade?

Pat: I assumed so. Why else would they have those abundant “coffeeshops” lining all the streets in Amsterdam? I just assumed it was to help while away the hours spent watching parades. I could be wrong.

Maybe it was the Belgians.

Christian: Damn those stupid Belgians. Again, I don’t want to over generalize here but they are a major contributing factor to anything and everything that is wrong or has ever been wrong in everyone’s lives.

*quickly checks blog stats and notices no hits coming from Belgium*

And I stand by that opinion 100%. It makes complete sense that they invented the parade. How typical.

Anyways, back to our new parade format. I think we should also attach some fireworks to the bulls that are triggered to periodically go off and maybe some priests also running around performing exorcisms on the bulls. The bulls wouldn’t really be possessed, that part would just mostly be for show. What do you think?

Pat:  Moving exorcisms? On fast-moving, flesh-goring, firework-shooting bulls? Oh dude! Throw in some scary-ass clown throwing out free, partially unwrapped candy and you’ve got me front and center on the sidelines!

Christian: I think we pretty much hit this touchdown out of the park. With these modifications everyone will love parades, adults and kids. 

Just look at the excitement on that little tyke's face!

Don’t forget to get some candy, champ.

(source)

See, when we put our two minds together there’s no problem created by the Belgians that we can’t solve.