Thursday, January 10, 2013

Who Doesn't Like a Parade? I Mean Besides Me.

I hate to rain on everyone’s-liking-parades parade, but I have never really cared for parades. Not even as a kid. I just don’t see what’s to like about watching a bunch of slow moving vehicles covered in paper mache drive by, followed by a marching band playing songs from the catalog of most overplayed radio songs of all time. But maybe I’m in the minority here.


Pat, how do you feel about Parades?

Pat:  Nope, I don’t like parades. Too many people.  

Christian: To me it has nothing to do with the too many people (Although I’m not a fan of that either). It’s the standing there watching unexciting things slowly move by you that I’m not a fan of.

If you were to remove the “too many people” factor, then how would you feel about parades?

Pat:  Hmm...no “too many people”? Not sure. I think I’d opt to criticize the too-slow-moving aspect of parades!

Christian: So what could we change about them that would make them more appealing?

Pat:  Running bulls?

Christian: Pat. I seem to always be able to count on you to come up with same absurd idea that makes no sense logistically and is so far out there that one wonders if you are even putting any thought into it, but then you come up with an idea like adding running bulls to parades and all of sudden you’re a genius!

Yes, running bulls! I am totally down with this.

The marching band people, who we would make dress all in red, would have to run around avoiding the bulls. They could jump onto the floats for safety but man alive I bet those bulls would really tear through that paper mache! The floats would be like giant slow moving piñatas.  

We would probably need to set up some walls around the parade route to prevent the bulls from charging into the crowd. But that’s just a minor detail.

My only concern is that bulls are much faster than parade floats so, as a spectator, once the bulls finished running by all I’m left with to watch are some slow moving vehicles covered in shredded paper mache and a bunch of maimed marching band members.

Any thoughts?

Pat: That’s a perfect description. So...I don’t get it. What’s the problem?  

I could be talked into going to a parade like that.  Not sure it would be appropriate for the kids, but it’s so hard to tell these days, what with the wars and the news and the TVs and such.

By the way, it’s technically “papier mâché”. I wouldn’t be the kind of dick-head who says that, but now that we have international followers, I think it’s important to be sensitive to the finer points of the languages our fans might speak.

Christian: Are you sure? “Papier mache” sounds pretty French to me. You’re not suggesting that the French invented parades are you? And how did you put all of those squiggle and dash things over the letters? I thought I was the computer expert here.  

Pat:  Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you that I got a francophile computer. It specializes in queer linguistic symbols. It also requires a daily break for espresso and a cigarette.

And how dare you insinuate that I would disparage our friends in France by suggesting that they invented the intolerable parade?! We all know that was done by the Dutch!

Christian: Damnit! Stupid Dutch. I don’t want to over generalize here but they are continuously ruining everything in existence.  

*quickly checks blog stats and notices some hits coming from the Netherlands*

Wait! I mean the Dutch are awesome! I love their windmills and their overall Dutchyness. Did they really invent the parade?

Pat: I assumed so. Why else would they have those abundant “coffeeshops” lining all the streets in Amsterdam? I just assumed it was to help while away the hours spent watching parades. I could be wrong.

Maybe it was the Belgians.

Christian: Damn those stupid Belgians. Again, I don’t want to over generalize here but they are a major contributing factor to anything and everything that is wrong or has ever been wrong in everyone’s lives.

*quickly checks blog stats and notices no hits coming from Belgium*

And I stand by that opinion 100%. It makes complete sense that they invented the parade. How typical.

Anyways, back to our new parade format. I think we should also attach some fireworks to the bulls that are triggered to periodically go off and maybe some priests also running around performing exorcisms on the bulls. The bulls wouldn’t really be possessed, that part would just mostly be for show. What do you think?

Pat:  Moving exorcisms? On fast-moving, flesh-goring, firework-shooting bulls? Oh dude! Throw in some scary-ass clown throwing out free, partially unwrapped candy and you’ve got me front and center on the sidelines!

Christian: I think we pretty much hit this touchdown out of the park. With these modifications everyone will love parades, adults and kids. 

Just look at the excitement on that little tyke's face!
Don’t forget to get some candy, champ.

See, when we put our two minds together there’s no problem created by the Belgians that we can’t solve.

41 comments:

  1. That sounds like a fantastic parade! Maybe one of the bulls can also be wearing a jetpack to zoom around the traveling exorcism-fest on speed.

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  2. I bet Brazilians invented the parade and it basically started as one long sex train. Then dumb, Puritanical Americans got ahold of it and turned it into low-level local government officials waving from cars. Your parade sounds awesome, though. Roll it into a gay pride parade and now we're having fun.

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    1. To clarify, it's because I've only had fun at a parade when it's a gay pride parade.

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    2. I'm glad you clarified because for a second there I thought you were suggesting a gay parade because you were hoping the gays would cause harm to the bulls making you bullophobic.

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  3. Wow. That parade escalated quickly. I mean, it really got out of hand.

    It could be even more exciting if you added those Shriner guys driving around on those tiny motorcycles herding the bulls TOWARD the marching band.

    I'd totally go watch one of those. But only if it was held in the Netherlands so I could take cover in one of the coffee shops.

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    1. Another great suggestion!
      *writes down in notes to add bull in jetpack on speed and Shriners driving tiny motorcycles to list of parade improvements*

      Parades are looking better and better every second.

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  4. I think a more useful improvement would be if we (the parade bystanders) could RIDE the bulls in the parade. I would totally pay money for that!

    And don't be too hard on the Belgians-- I think they invented waffles. Waffles makes you forgive a lot of bad ideas, especially if they are chocolate waffles. Just sayin'.

    best,
    MOV

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    1. Chocolate waffle dinner! Hey Christian, did you see Ms. Chocolate Waffle Dinner on 30 Rock recently? She had a cameo.

      On the subject of parades, I used to be in them, either in a marching band or jumping rope with my jump rope team, Talented Feet. How would a jump rope team figure into your parade? I'm imagining lassos...though the jump ropes we used back then would've worked better as whips.

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    2. Why does Ms. Chocolate Waffle Dinner seem so familiar? I feel like I should know this. Was it a Lost thing?

      P.S. Definitely whips.

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    3. Yeah, sorry, I figured you'd remember the red-haired British lady on Lost who died (remember how the time traveling was killing people off and it started with bloody noses?) and her last words were "I'm not allowed to have chocolate before dinner," (because she had known Faraday as a child when he time-traveled and she'd said that phrase to him as a child when he pushed her on the swings) and someone (Eva? Jen? I can't remember now) thought she said "Chocolate waffle dinner." Then of course we had to have a night of chocolate waffle dinner casserole potluck. Is it coming back to you now?

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    4. Once you said red-haired British lady it all came back to me. I miss Lost nights. And casseroles.

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    5. If it all came back to you, do you remember who thought she said "chocolate waffle dinner"? That created a wonderful night of chocolate waffles. I miss it too, the Lost and the casseroles. Remember Sad Casserole? So many memories.

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    6. I don't remember. All I know is that it wasn't me. I'm guessing Jen.

      And yes so many happy sad casserole memories.

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  5. Can you please explain what is happening in the top parade photo? It is baffling on so many levels.

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    1. That's a scene from the movie Animal House. That "eat me" float was created by the Delta House fraternity and they crashed the parade, literally, by ramming the other floats and causing general mayhem.

      Fun fact: Animal House was filmed in the city Pat and I grew up in.

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  6. The only time I ever enjoyed a parade was one in Baton Rogue during Mardi Gras, because there were shiny things and vaguely inappropriate floats. And socially acceptable beer consumption in the afternoon is always fun.

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    1. Never been to Mardi Gras but have always felt like if I was to ever enjoy a parade it would be that one. I have a feeling they can pull it off without the need for rampant bulls.

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  7. You are so hilarious! Why aren't you more famous yet? Maybe it's the unicorn. I'm not sure if it's one person or multiples that run this blog, but you guys should join the bloppy bloggers on Facebook. You'll fit in with some of the others there. Lots of great writers.

    I really like your blog...not really the unicorn. But I can get over it!

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    1. How can you not love the unicorn?! Such great schtick! But people may or may not refer to me as "weird" on occasion. Whatevs.

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    2. Technically, it's a Pegacorn/Pegicorn. The spelling depends one you ask.

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    3. Megiweg is technically correct. And these two heroes had a good discussion on the proper way to spell it:

      http://pointcounterpointpointpoint.blogspot.com/2012/10/pegacorn-vs-pegicorn.html

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  8. Since I'm one of "those people" who thinks "oh, those poor bulls" when I see footage of the running of the bulls, I will wholeheartedly sign on as long as the bulls aren't hurt. I put no such limit on the maiming of humans.

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    1. Oh I totally agree. Definitely all precautions would be made to ensure the safety of the bulls. But one should expect a lot of human casualties.

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  9. Haha, running bulls would be great - that WOULD be the end of the boring parade. Fun post!

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    1. Thanks! I'm also thinking that maybe the bulls should be racing towards the end of the parade route and then we could open up a hole gambling system so people could bet on the bulls.

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  10. I'm pretty sure that the post-bull floats would be poop covered as well as in tatters. And I bet that some of the marching band would be poop covered too. They probably won't look where they're going when they're running from the bulls. They're totally going to slip in poo. It's going to be gross. I don't know if I'm on board for the addition of bulls. What about fire? Fire is almost always fun.

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  11. While I appreciated all your great ideas, I am most appreciative that you integrated the word dickhead so nicely.

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  12. I can't stand parades, either. So boring! I'm not much of a fan of violence, though, either, so how about a minor adjustment to your plan? How about we coat all the marchers in peanut butter, and then set loose a sea of squirrels? No bloodshed, but still lots of running and swatting, perhaps screaming. Definitely exciting.

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    1. We have an age old saying in my family: "Anything can be made better by simply adding squirrels to it". Super idea!

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  13. The Belgians may have ruined everyone's lives but you know what they did to make up for it? Belgian beer. Drink one of those and try not to smile. I dare you. A Belgian beer's so good it makes watching a bunch of adults in costumes walking through the street to terrible band music almost bearable. Almost.

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    1. But I always assumed it was the Dutch that made Belgian beer?

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  14. Good efforts. All the best for future posts. I have bookmarked you. Well done. I read and like this post. Thanks.
    burun estetigi

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  15. Here's to taking down the Belgians! Knew you guys could do awesome things when you come together. And praise God for that handy stat-checking.

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    1. Yeah, maybe if the Belgians visited our blog more often they wouldn't be so bad.

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  16. I've never liked parades either. There are so many other things I could be doing with my time! Like: chasing my kids around the house with a sock puppet that has slime dripping out of it's nose, plotting to take over the world, or staring at the wall while breathing through my mouth.
    However, if parades were full of mobile exorcisms on firework shooting bulls, I would be more inclined to go. Even if it were just for the free candy.

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