Thursday, March 21, 2013

I'm Real! (really!)

It has come to my attention that some members of our loyal blaudience have started posting comments that question whether or not I exist. No...that’s not right. It’s more like they just don’t acknowledge me.  

I think they think I’m a literary alter-ego used by Christian to engage in conversations or arguments with himself. That seems weird, but...whatever.

Having spent some time thinking on it, I’ve realized that it’s a really weird feeling to have people not aware of your actual existence.

Pat:  Christian, before I slip into a deep, dark existential fit of angst-ridden malaise, would you mind assuring our friends and followers that I do in fact exist?

Christian: Well to be honest with you I hadn’t put much thought into it before, but you bring up some pretty good points here. How do I know that you aren’t just a figment of my imagination? I have a pretty strong imagination. For example: Laser-shooting butterflies soaring through heaps of asteroid dust. See? I totally just made that up.

Pat: Hmm. Well, that’s a good question. Let me think on it...

Got it! If I were a figment of your imagination, then I should be able to come up with some weird-ass sentence like you did above.

Let me try:

“Peanut butter sandwiches on wheat bread”

Is that comparable? If so, then I might just in fact be a figment of your imagination. If not, then I am likely my own self, right? My own dull, unimaginative, boring self.

Christian: I don’t know, that seems unnecessarily confusing. Which is totally something I would do, so that doesn’t really help your case. What else ya got?

Pat:  I pinched myself and it hurt (not real bad...don’t worry--just a little twinge), and I doubt you felt it. If I were a figment of your imagination, I think you might have gotten a headache or something.

Convinced?

Christian: But I do have a headache. Granted I’ve only eaten cheez-its and scotch for the past five meals but how do I know the headache isn’t from you pinching ourselves?

Pat: You EAT scotch? How? Does it involve gelatin? I’ve heard of frat boys doing that. Hmm....interesting.

Hey...did you have any gas today? I ate WAY too many roasted veggies last night--y’know, like broccoli and cauliflower and beets and stuff--and they haven’t been too friendly to me. Anyway, assuming we are the same person now, I just wanted to apologize for any inconvenience--or embarrassment--I mighta’ caused you.

Christian: OK, you’ve convinced me. I hate cauliflower to no end therefore would never have eaten it. Well done.

But now how do we convince our dearest cherished readers that you are real? Sure there’s pictures of two different guys up there in our banner but I’m guessing a lot of our readers just assume we stole a couple of photos of some underwear models and threw them up there.

Pat: You don’t think they’re getting me confused with Maya Angelou, do you? I know it sounds funny, but I actually get that alot.  

Should we put name tags on our pictures? That always makes a person look more official. Y’know, like at professional conferences.

Christian: We could but does that really prove that you are real? I mean don’t get me wrong, you have convinced me, but I could slap a name tag on a picture of anybody and call it Pat. How do we convince our dearest cherished readers that you are real?

This is a tough one.

What about posting a picture of you holding today’s newspaper?

Pat: Naked?

Christian: No.

Pat: Please? I can hold it in the right spot. (and by “the right spot”, I think you and I both know what I’m talking about, yeah?)

Christian: Dammit Pat, but I don’t want to know what you’re talking about! That’s the point.

Fine. If the only way you are willing to post a picture of yourself with today’s newspaper is to be naked then go ahead. I guess it would be fine since it’s for the benefit of our readers.

Pat:  Should it be a newspaper with color pictures or should we just stick with the classic black-and-white?

Christian: Ugh... I don’t care.

Pat:  ‘K...here we go...


What do you think? Proof enough?

Christian: Hmmm... I guess so. I appreciate how it’s lacking in nudity but there is something off with the picture that I just can’t put my finger on. I guess it’s up to our readers to decide if you really exist or not. And I’m going to be upfront with you, I plan on just going with whatever they decide.

57 comments:

  1. The human in that picture is clearly photoshopped!

    Also you are all figments of my imagination, let's just get this right.

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    Replies
    1. Uh oh. I hadn't considered that I too might not be real. I better go take a picture of myself with a newspaper to make sure. Thanks!

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  2. I'd be less worried about whether you're real and more about the fact that you seem to be trapped in the past.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is probably another thing we can blame the Dharma Initiative for.

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  3. WHAT!?! Pat's real!?! Are you sure? You're absolutely coming out and telling us this isn't some Calvin and Hobbes situation here? Although, I still haven't seen you both in the same place at the same time. This could still be a schizophrenia, Fight Club thing we're involved with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Calvin and Hobbes.

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  4. The Hindenburg exploded??? Why did I not read about this on Twitter?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can only imagine how flooded twitter must have been when the Hindenburg really did crash.

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  5. Wait -- I was told there would be nudity!

    Pearl

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  6. Hey, way to ruin this morning's newspaper for me. I wanted to read about this tragedy and its death toll while on the toilet, not while proving someone's existence.

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  7. I still think Pat is Maya Angelou. The resemblance is uncanny.

    I'm still wondering what is up with that unicorn....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The unicorn (we like to call it a pegicorn) is actually not real... yet.

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  8. I knew you were real all the time. It’s like I was totally telling that to the Easter Bunny when I wrote him that letter the other day, telling to bring me a basket full of Cadbury crème eggs, because I was really good all year. I said in my letter,

    “…That Pat’s a real cool guy and he even speaks Japanese and everything, so you can send him some too. Oh, and don’t forget Christian. I guess he’s alright too. Say “Hi,” to Santa for me.

    Love always,

    Vinny”


    See? I totally believe you’re real.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So that's one vote each for Pat, The Easter Bunny, and Santa all being real. Got it. Thanks!

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  9. People can do amazing things with photoshop these days. Still not conclusive evidence of your existence.

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    Replies
    1. Good point. Maybe a video of Pat holding a newspaper would be more convincing.

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  10. Why did you post a picture of Maya Angelou holding an old newspaper?

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    Replies
    1. Mostly because we wanted to show that Maya Angelou is also just an everyday type person and knows how to read just like you and me.

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  11. I never doubted you for a minute...I was laughing too hard most of the time!

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    Replies
    1. I'm interpreting this as you were laughing so hard AT Pat that he must be real. Gotcha.

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  12. How dare you reveal the secret of blogging duos. You are out of the club. Don't be alarmed when the paratroopers descend from the sky.
    Ellen
    (or is it Erin?)

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    Replies
    1. I'm now assuming the Sisterhood is just one person named Erell.

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  13. Dude. I'm with Ellen. If you start talking about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too, I'm out. ; ) Erin

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  14. All I know about Pat is that he thinks I might be a man and is wrong 87% of time. Does that make him unreal?

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    Replies
    1. If those aren't the qualifications for unreal then I don't know what are.

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    2. MIGHT be? Nice try, Megiweg!

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  15. If Pat is real then how come he almost never replies to the comments? Also, I really don't think Maya Angelou would have made through prep school. So that's two strikes.

    However, I would like to believe in Pat. So I vote that he is real. But I was really hoping to see Maya Angelou naked.

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    Replies
    1. Great. Now are blog is going to be found by all those people searching for naked prep school Maya Angelou pictures. Ugh.

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    2. Here I am! Replying. With clothes on.

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  16. Well obviously *somebody* in this situation isn't real, and I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was starting to wonder that too. I'm also wondering if your family knows.

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  17. I've always believed Pat was real. I just think all of your readers are figments of your imagination.

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    Replies
    1. Now there is a theory I hadn't thought of. I guess we should implement some captcha type deal that requires all commenters to submit a picture of themselves with a newspaper before their comment is published.

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  18. P.S. I totally got the roasted veggies/gas/hindenburg explosion tie-in? What? It wasn't? Just like your fake readers to turn everything into a fart joke...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow I knew we were good but I didn't know we had reached the point where we were making smart flatulence jokes subconsciously.

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  19. the color coordinated background, replete with wicker basket and painting of bird, with everything symmetrically aligned is leading me to believe that someone put a wax dummy in the middle of an ikea floor display...i want to believe in pat as much as i want to believe in tinkerbell, but after the non-follow-through-nudity-promise, i fear i'll never believe in anything again ~sniffle~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pat actually lives in an Ikea so that might explain some of it.

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  20. Who is Hindenburg? Is he the guy that keeps eating too much? I think I know him. Well, I guess you must be real then. Obviously. ;)

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    1. I thought Hindenburg was that guy that invented that maneuver for dislodging food from someone's windpipe when they are choking.

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  21. You might be right. Let's just say he was busy a lot of the time.

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  22. Well I have to make a confession here. For a long time - I couldn't tell if Pat was a girl or a boy! Your names are so gender- neutral...but it doesn't matter because I love you both and your blog...and I want to meet you in real life!

    By the way, that picture is freaky!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's probably why a lot of people mistake him for Maya Angelou.

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    2. Yep. That's exactly why.

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  23. And now my husband is a loyal follower. Sigh. You can thank me later. :)

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    Replies
    1. Sweet! It's because I agreed with him about the condom depot giveaway isn't it?

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  24. I want a reply from Pat. That's the only way I'll be convinced that he's not really Christian. The dude in the photo looks a lot like a schizophrenic homeless guy I've seen in the park. I'll ask him if he had any friends on the Hindeberg. Or any of the other voices in his head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmmmm, there are a lot parks near Pat's house. You might be on to something here.

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    2. Hi veryverybusymom...'tis I, Pat, of the blog you're reading. And I assure you I am not currently homeless, and I only visit parks for recreational purposes.

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    3. I don't know, that sounds like something a homeless schizophrenic would say.

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  25. I think a photo with the two of you together would be the only way to solve the mystery! You're not fooling anyone with that photoshopped pic!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah right. How are we supposed to take a picture of both of us? One of us has to actually take the picture so how is that person supposed to be also in the picture at the same time?

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  26. 1) If Pat was imaginary then that would make my sophomore high school philosphy class even more confusing bc I am quite sure I remember him teaching it. (Though seriously it was so long ago...Omg 14 years??!!! that I barely remember it anyway.
    2) Thank you, thank you, thank you for being clothed in your photo.
    3) Um, there is an uncanny resemblence to Maya. Except I haven't seen her wear glasses.

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    Replies
    1. Wait, you mean that story Pat keeps telling about being a high school teacher is true?

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  27. I sometimes wonder if all the blog authors I follow are figments. Not of my imagination but of their own. Sure they post pictures of themselves looking all 'Normal Mommy' looking, but really I could be commenting on some grotesque porn watching, overweight sleaze bag who has been wearing the same white tank top with Cheetos and beer stains all over the front. As I comment 'Wow Suzy, lol, your kiddos seem adorable' He could be burping up his Miller Genuine Draft and commenting back to me. So now you not only have to prove you exist, but that you aren't wearing a Cheeto stained tank top.
    Although one could confuse Cheezit and Scotch stains for Cheetos and beer. I'm just gonna believe you both exist, and you are nice, and normal.Simple! It just makes things easier for me.

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