It has come to my attention that some members of our loyal blaudience have started posting comments that question whether or not I exist. No...that’s not right. It’s more like they just don’t acknowledge me.
I think they think I’m a literary alter-ego used by Christian to engage in conversations or arguments with himself. That seems weird, but...whatever.
Having spent some time thinking on it, I’ve realized that it’s a really weird feeling to have people not aware of your actual existence.
Pat: Christian, before I slip into a deep, dark existential fit of angst-ridden malaise, would you mind assuring our friends and followers that I do in fact exist?
Christian: Well to be honest with you I hadn’t put much thought into it before, but you bring up some pretty good points here. How do I know that you aren’t just a figment of my imagination? I have a pretty strong imagination. For example: Laser-shooting butterflies soaring through heaps of asteroid dust. See? I totally just made that up.
Pat: Hmm. Well, that’s a good question. Let me think on it...
Got it! If I were a figment of your imagination, then I should be able to come up with some weird-ass sentence like you did above.
Let me try:
“Peanut butter sandwiches on wheat bread”
Is that comparable? If so, then I might just in fact be a figment of your imagination. If not, then I am likely my own self, right? My own dull, unimaginative, boring self.
Christian: I don’t know, that seems unnecessarily confusing. Which is totally something I would do, so that doesn’t really help your case. What else ya got?
Pat: I pinched myself and it hurt (not real bad...don’t worry--just a little twinge), and I doubt you felt it. If I were a figment of your imagination, I think you might have gotten a headache or something.
Christian: But I do have a headache. Granted I’ve only eaten cheez-its and scotch for the past five meals but how do I know the headache isn’t from you pinching ourselves?
Pat: You EAT scotch? How? Does it involve gelatin? I’ve heard of frat boys doing that. Hmm....interesting.
Hey...did you have any gas today? I ate WAY too many roasted veggies last night--y’know, like broccoli and cauliflower and beets and stuff--and they haven’t been too friendly to me. Anyway, assuming we are the same person now, I just wanted to apologize for any inconvenience--or embarrassment--I mighta’ caused you.
Christian: OK, you’ve convinced me. I hate cauliflower to no end therefore would never have eaten it. Well done.
But now how do we convince our dearest cherished readers that you are real? Sure there’s pictures of two different guys up there in our banner but I’m guessing a lot of our readers just assume we stole a couple of photos of some underwear models and threw them up there.
Pat: You don’t think they’re getting me confused with Maya Angelou, do you? I know it sounds funny, but I actually get that alot.
Should we put name tags on our pictures? That always makes a person look more official. Y’know, like at professional conferences.
Christian: We could but does that really prove that you are real? I mean don’t get me wrong, you have convinced me, but I could slap a name tag on a picture of anybody and call it Pat. How do we convince our dearest cherished readers that you are real?
This is a tough one.
What about posting a picture of you holding today’s newspaper?
Pat: Please? I can hold it in the right spot. (and by “the right spot”, I think you and I both know what I’m talking about, yeah?)
Christian: Dammit Pat, but I don’t want to know what you’re talking about! That’s the point.
Fine. If the only way you are willing to post a picture of yourself with today’s newspaper is to be naked then go ahead. I guess it would be fine since it’s for the benefit of our readers.
Pat: Should it be a newspaper with color pictures or should we just stick with the classic black-and-white?
Christian: Ugh... I don’t care.
Pat: ‘K...here we go...
What do you think? Proof enough?
Christian: Hmmm... I guess so. I appreciate how it’s lacking in nudity but there is something off with the picture that I just can’t put my finger on. I guess it’s up to our readers to decide if you really exist or not. And I’m going to be upfront with you, I plan on just going with whatever they decide.