Thursday, April 11, 2013

Which Historical Event to Visit?

Pat, if you could go back in time and witness any historical event you wanted and then come right back to current time which would it be? Keeping in mind you wouldn’t be able to change the event at all. You would just be an invisible ghost observing the situation.

Pat:  Can’t we go forward? I’d kinda’ like to do that. Less troublesome. I just sort of want to know more about the ground rules before we play this game. That okay?

Although...as a little teaser, I’m thinking it’d be cool to witness something BIG, and I’m kinda’ thinking the wheel is where it’s at. Whoever did that must have been REALLY psyched at the progress they’d made. And I bet they sounded a lot like this guy:

Listen to my sheer bliss here

Christian:  I guess you could go forward but how will you know ahead of time if the event is historical or not, since it hasn’t happened yet?

Pat:  Ooh! Good one. Umm...I think it’s more like I’d be leaving near-history and venturing forth into history-yet-to-be. Y’know...like when Scrooge got visited by all those ghosts. It’d be like that.

Christian: Can you give me an example event?

Pat:  Duh! No...hasn’t happened yet.

Oh, wait...do I get to invent an event to go to? Is this like that “actualization” stuff they do at new-age retreats? Okay...I’ll play!

I want to go forward to that time when, my body having become perfectly toned, I’m elected “Prime Model of the Human Specimen” by every citizen on earth.

Christian: OK, you are completely missing the point of this so I’ll go.

I think I would want to witness the discovery of fire. Imagine how excited they must have been. Although most likely they immediately tried to eat it but I bet they were still pretty excited.

It would be interesting to see if they discovered it by accident or was there some thought put into it. Was it a man or a woman that discovered it?  And how many people were involved? Was it one person or a group effort? If it was a group, I bet they all had a blast celebrating afterwards. Except for maybe that one guy that tried to eat it.

Plus they probably thought wizards were involved or something so it would be fun to laugh and point at them because of that.

The invention of the wheel is an OK choice but that probably just consisted of some dude tripping over a log and noticing it rolled. Big whoop-de-doo.

Pat:  Okay, now I think I get it. And I kinda’ want to play. Is it too late? It was always too late when I finally wanted to play whatever was going down on the playground. That is, until someone told me about the game, “Throw-The-Ball-At-Pat”.

Umm...along the lines of your wheel event, I think I’d like to be a witness to the precise moment when the first ever SHOE was invented. I like the idea of someone saying, “Oh, I just never thought to put anything THERE! It feels so much nicer now!”

Christian: That seems like it couldn’t be any more boring.

You realize the first shoe was probably even more primitive than this:


The person that “discovered” it probably just got their feet tangled up in some vines and decided to leave them on their feet instead of going through the effort to untangle them. It was probably the same dude that tripped over a log and “discovered” the wheel.

I think you need to pick another event.

Pat:  Well, I think that shoe looks kinda’ cool...like something I might wear to Burning Man. Totally carbon neutral, yeah? Leaves no footprint, yeah? Well...aside from the actual footprint.

Fine. Another one? Okay...how about going back to when porn was invented? But not if it was first found sketched roughly on the inside of caves. I bet those drawings weren’t very precise. I think I mean porn that was painted on canvas or drawn on paper.

Christian: And what exactly are you expecting to see during this historical moment? I think best case scenario all you’re going to see is some guy sitting at a table drawing. The worst case scenarios are probably going to be pretty bad.

Pat: Such a dude, Christian. So limiting. Don’t you think it COULD have been a woman who invented porn? I doubt it too, but at least I haven’t written it out as a possibility. Geez.  

But you make a good point. Porn-invention could get kinda’ icky.

Indoor plumbing? I bet that was a pretty exciting time in history.

Christian: But that probably includes them testing it out. Nope. Try again.

Pat:  Yeah? What’s wrong with that? I think testing all sorts of indoor plumbing prototypes sounds pretty fun.


Hey--thinking back, did you and I have trouble finding common interests in high school? I didn’t think so, but now I’m kinda’ wondering if maybe we had absolutely nothing in common.

Christian: I do recall not being nearly as interested in toilets as you were in high school so that might explain some things here.

I guess we could just agree to disagree but I disagree with that. We’ll let our dearest cherished readers decide. Which would be the best historical event to visit? The invention of fire or the invention of indoor plumbing. Or perhaps another event? Hmmmm?

28 comments:

  1. I'd kinda like to see the invention of porn, but I think it'd also be incredibly awkward. Especially if it was a painting. "Okay, now just stay completely still in that sexual position... for the next 12 hours."

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    1. When you describe it that way it actually sounds more appealing.

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  2. If I had the chance, I'd finally get to the bottom of the whole "chicken or the egg?" debate once & for all.

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    1. Oooh good one. I bet it's some sort of hybrid Egg-chicken creature thing that got it all started.

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  3. I'd like to go to the moment when any past US president was initiated into Skull and Bones at Harvard. It would just be relaxing to see any of those political tools endure a gauntlet of humiliation.

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    1. Or the invention of air conditioning, whichever.

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    2. Yeah tough to decide between those two. On one hand you have famous politicians being embarrassed but on the other hand you have nice cool air.

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  4. I wish you would take pictures of the "Prime model of human specimen" contest. I might be interested in looking at those. Alone.

    (Thanks for following, I'll follow you anywhere!)

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    1. Thank you for following. If either of us reach the level of prime model of human specimen you'll be the first to know. Keep in mind though, that will never happen.

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  5. This was great imagining the two of you joining forces with Bill & Ted on an excellent adventure!

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    1. Please tell me I'm not Keanu Reeves. Pat is Keanu Reeves right? Not me.

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  6. I would like to be present before the last unicorn died, so I could save it. Unicorns were real, right? If not, then maybe before the last dinosaur died. Pretty sure they were real.

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    1. Did you know there is a dinosaur that was kind of like a unicorn? http://www.dinosaur-world.com/weird_dinosaurs/tsintaosaurus_spinorhinus.htm

      If you went back and saved that guy you could kill two birds with one stone.

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  7. Milking! Why, when and how...seriously!

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    1. While indeed interesting I don't know if I want to see the firs attempts at it though.

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  8. I want to see who figured out how to bake a loaf of bread because that shit is crazy.

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  9. I want to go back to this morning so I could see where the baby hid the remote.

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    1. If you would just buy her her own TV you wouldn't have this problem.

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  10. "The person that “discovered” it probably just got their feet tangled up in some vines and decided to leave them on their feet instead of going through the effort to untangle them. It was probably the same dude that tripped over a log and “discovered” the wheel."

    Genius. Pure FREAKIN Genius!!! I laughted so hard I spit out my wine!

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    1. Oh dear god! I'm so sorry. If we had know this post was going to cause the spillage of perfectly good wine we would have destroyed it well before it could spread its evil destruction upon this world.

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  11. I want to see the first guy that took to the ocean in a boat.

    Cuz THAT's nuts.

    Pearl

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    1. The first guy that took to the ocean or the first one that made it back alive?

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  12. How about the time when aliens built the pyramids? That would be pretty wild. I heard about it on the History Channel, so it must be a valid historical event.

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  13. I choose neither. Everybody was stinky way back and I'm afraid my nose would explode.

    Plus, I'd hate to go back in time and be a representitive of the future. I don't know anything! What if they want me to explain electricity or democracy or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?? Too much pressure, no thank you.

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    1. If they ask you to explain something you don't know just say midichlorians make it work. They won't know the difference they're from the past, and thus stupid.

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  14. I'd like to see what Adam and Eve were doing prancing around their little garden. And if there was no such thing, I know where our local minister can stick it.

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